No call no show by dad. What is the right thing to do?

Faye - posted on 09/17/2012

Keep up NOT telling your child what day dad is supposed to show.



My SIL did that with her kids and ex. Whenever her ex would tell her that he would be by on Friday night to get the boys, she never told the boys but had their bags ready "just in case". Finally it took my brother to be involoved in their lives and them telling dad that "Mom's friend David, took us and we went to the park.", "Mom's friend David, took us to see his dad's horse." before their dad showed any interest in them on a more regular basis. The boys were 3 and 8 when my brother and SIL started dating. They are now 21 and 26 and the younger one calls my brother DAD, and his own dad by his first name.



Kids understand even at the age of 3 who is there for them and who is not.

Maryellen - posted on 09/16/2012

I was 18 when I had my son. His dad was 19. We didn't get along and went our own ways. At first he did see him, but depending on the girlfriend at the time, he would or wouldn't see him. After many no shows and broken promises and picking my crying son up off the step cause Daddy didn't come (5), I made the call. I told him I was NOT going to allow him to keep doing this to my son anymore. I told him that if he wants a relationship with him, it was his responsibility. If not then just leave us be. I told him that if he continued to allow the woman in his life to come between him and his son, do not call to see his son until he was old enough to make up his own mind. I never bad talked his dad to him, I just made sure he knew he was loved. He spent time with this dad's family and even sat across the table and ate and never spoke two words to his dad. I finally received the call when my son was 15. Of course he was crying and realized how much of his life he missed. My son does see him now, but not often. He does keep in touch. But he knows who took care of him and loves him.

I am currently going through a horrible divorce and my soon to be ex has basically done the same thing. My daughter is 15 and he decided to take my daughter to a family function he had told her that the girlfriend would not be at and she was. My daughter sat in the corner the entire time and would not talk to anyone.

When she came home, we sat and talked about what happened. He and his family crushed her by allowing this woman to attend. I explained to her that she has to make up her own decision and I would stand by the decision she makes. She has not talked or seen her father or her family since that day! Her birthday came and went and no one she has not received even a card from any of them. He has missed her first job, sport functions. He was not there for my son who had major surgery in May. Doesn't call or text to ask about her or his step son. He is living with his girlfriend (who he ran around with before we separated, oh and I must say it is his best friends wife. So my kids know this and hate her) and he is helping with her raise her little girl that is 1.

My son is now 26 and graduated high school top 25, went to college and graduated. First in his fathers side of the family. He has a wonderful job and helps me with my financial responsibilities at home. My daughters grades have returned to honor roll after she was failing from dealing with all the stress and heartache last year at this time.

If he does try to heal his relationship with his kids, I don't think it will ever be what it was, and it was his decision..

All I can say again, is document everything, go file the paperwork for support and take him for every penny you can get! Don't gloat on the fact the father doesn't come around! Just love your child and do the best you can! In the long run it will come back to haunt him! I have a wonderful son that is proof - DO NOT LET ANYONE HAVE YOUR CHILDREN ON STRINGS!

Melissa - posted on 09/11/2012

Alexis, this is not a totally uncommon problem I guess. After 4 years of dealing with the disappearances and no shows (yes holidays and birthdays too) I have stopped planning on him being in my girls' lives. If he wants to see them he has to make the effort, Im not going to babysit him and remind him. My girls are 8 and 5 now. The 5year old has never known him as an actual father, just someone she visits once or twice a year. The 8yr old has just gotten used to it all. Sad, but ultimately it is his loss. My children are being raised in a loving home with a mother who they can always count on. I guess my feelings are if he really wants to be a part of their lives, then he will be there and make the effort. No reminders needed. Good luck, I know it is hard.

Marian - posted on 09/05/2012

Maybe next time you talk say "I must have made a mistake on my calendar, because I had down that you were coming by to hang out with..." Don't accuse, don't blame, find a simple way of asking that takes the emotional sting out of it. Don't start an unnecessary fit, which could lead to Dad not showing up again. I realize that is easier said than done sometimes.

No show parents are hard to deal with for the other parent, and especially the kids. But you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. When Dad is ready to step up, will. Until then, focus on your son. If your son didn't notice, than don't make a big deal of it. As long as you little guy is happy and healthy, you got it made.

Jo - posted on 08/30/2012

Keep a log. Don't let your son see it. Do not force the visits. Let it go. Your son is better off not seeing a man who is so insensitive and negligent. Just live your life with your son in the best way you can and be thankful the boy's father isn't making a pest of himself. Move on and be happy and make your son happy.

Tanya - posted on 08/26/2012

lose all contact

Sylvia - posted on 08/25/2012

My daughter is now a teenager and I had the same problem. But you learn from after 3 months of doing it, that things don't change. If he says he is coming, you don't say anything to your child because most likely he is going to forget again. You just go on with your life and learn to plan your life and child's life. If you are busy and not waiting around for him, he will find ways to start coming when he says he is. Its a game to him and he doesn't care. If he really wanted to see his child he would without the reminders and etc. Just keep track of every time he does it. As my daughter got older, she decided she didn't want to wait around, so we just went on with our life. My daughter hasn't seen her father in four years. We have a large family and lots of friends. Lots of male role models in her life. They fill in where her father should but doesn't.

Best of luck, but you have to just move on and not wait around for him to not show or not call.

Ash - posted on 08/18/2012

Dad's know they have kids and need to be in there life,no matter how much we call to remind them,they still going to do what they wanne do. At first I couldnt belive a man could live this earth with a child,and not wanne come around...I learned the hard way. It made me much more stronger.truth is its been single mothers for centuries...I know its rough but You can do it.Me personally I would have it any other way,I have too much things going on to deal with that drama...Best luck to you

Rachael - posted on 08/09/2012

I agree Shawna!

Shawna - posted on 08/08/2012

quit calling him. he only wants to be daddy when he is bored! hes a loser. i bet if u stop calling him he wont bother to call u guys in a while and when he does he will start begging and getting mad. these men are losers and scumbags. leave him alone quit calling him even if u love him b/c he doesnt care about u and ur son

Rachael - posted on 08/08/2012

BEcarful about keeping the baby unavailable for visits.. I know it TX if you refuse visits you can go to jail. With my x he was in and out for the first six yrs of my kids life, it either try to force visits, which just made him upset with the kids or he just wouldnt see them. Now that hes remarried hes been coming around alot more but my oldest doesnt want to see him anymore From being disappointed so much in the past... Its a horrorable fight to get them ready for visits. It sux to see them miserable but my x has already told them if they dont go he will put me in jail. All kids eventually see as they get older what going on... And its not always pretty. Just try to make it as easy as possible. Make him follow a schedule and get proper papers asap.... If he doesnt see him like hes suposed to them you can go to court and lessen or take away visits if he not putting forth the effort.. But yes DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Keep a note book of every missed visit... And every excuse! Be strong momma! Your baby will remember everything

Alisha - posted on 08/06/2012

Document Document Document. If you two ever go to court or anything, you will need dates and times written down of his 'forgetfulness.' As you know, there is no room for forgetfulness to see your child when you are an actual parent. I would tell him if he doesn't want to see his child then please stop setting times up to see him because you plan around that.

Dora - posted on 08/06/2012

I know exactly what you mean. I have this issue as well. The split with my ex is only a few months old and we don't have a set schedule, but there have been a lot of times when my ex says he will come to get our daughter (4) the next day and I don't hear a thing from him, so I just assume he is not going to pick her up from daycare and I do it myself. This past weekend he said he would take her Friday, Sunday and Monday (I had plans with her on Saturday). He took her Friday night and when I picked her up Saturday morning he suddenly decided he would take her Saturday night and take her back to me on Sunday. I told him that he didn't tell me this before, but I was ok with it as long as she was back the next day. I called him when we were finished our plans on Saturday but he said since she had been with me all day to keep her overnight and he would get her Sunday. I heard nothing from him Sunday or Monday.

I am furious that he couldn't even have the courtesy to call to tell me he changed his mind, but at the same time I am happy because it means she is with me. I never know whether to make a big deal about it or whether to let it go. So far I have said nothing, But my daughter is smart and is starting to realize he isn't following through; that is what hurts the most.

Alexis - posted on 08/02/2012

I spoke with him briefly, calmly reminded him that he did another no call no show. Dad of course had an excuse and says he had forgot and that he was 'sorry'. I simply told him that it doesnt affect me but in the long run it will affect his relationship with his son and left it at that. I was fairly surprised with myself because I usually don't stay so calm and let it lead into a fight. I guess I need to realize I can't force him, but I can let him know he missed a date with his son and let it play out that way. It just breaks my heart for my sons sake.

Jennifer - posted on 08/01/2012

simply tell him that you understand things happen that will change plans - but that his son needs to come first.

I have this issue with my 5yr olds father - they only speak by webcam once a week due to living in different countries and chats are forgotten with no word, sometimes up until the next chat a week later. your son's father needs to understand that children are VERY bright...he will figure out a lot quicker then most would think that his father is not giving him the attention he should be and that this will risk the future relationship. also tell the father that if something comes up - to let you know asap...its not a hard thing to do.

Alexis - posted on 08/01/2012

Jade: That is part of the issue, I have always been upfront with him and have never treaded on eggshells around him, and all that seemed to come of it was a fight. If I remind him he comes, but I am done being his time keeper, I agree if he cared enough he would not forget. He doesnt seem to forget hanging out with his friends. Im tired of the fights and trying to 'force' him into being a dad 100% but I also didnt want to take away from my son just because I am tired of telling or reminding his dad. I have taken note of it to apply it to a 'history' of no shows so that putting my foot down about not being in and out when he wants won't go unwarranted.

A friend advised I do nothing, say nothing and simply make note of it. If it continues to be a pattern then stop planning around it, just be pleasantly surprised when he comes through. It just pisses me off that they (the dads) seem to have the option to just come and go as they please while no matter what, as mom I am the one who has to take care of everything, including his sons feelings about dad not being around. I am sure many of you can relate.

Sarah - posted on 08/01/2012

my daughter was 6 in march n when i said to her day 3days before her birthday it was some one specials birthday in 3 days time he had to ask who ? - so i said ur only daughter through gritted teeth! then he didnt show up or call for 3months!!!!!!!!

harsh but when my daughter asked if daddy had been busy i calmy asked her if daddy had said happy birthday to her or sent a card and she went quiet n said no.

She sadly is starting to understand that daddy isnt a night in shinning armour but i always tell her that daddy loves her very much but cant alway see her when she wants him to.

I did the whole court, mediation thing n it didnt work so now i take her to his mothers and grandmothers so she doesnt miss out on seeing her family then its up to him to show up and see her.

Put the ball in his court , never stop ur child from having contact but make contact to suit u and ur child - tell the father what days , what time and when he can have contact.

you may have the upset of him not turning up and beeing left to pick up the peaces but that what mothers do best and at lest when ur child grows up they can make there own mind up about contact with there dad.

stay strong :)

Jade-Michelle - posted on 08/01/2012

You say 'again' so this is obviously already an issue. You write down every single time he has done this, you call him up and calmly explain that this is not acceptable. How exactly does someone forget to visit their child unless they don't care about the kid in the first place? You don't offer him to come round whilst he still has time, that only reinforces he is free to waltz in and out as he pleases. You need to get tough, either he shows up on time for scheduled visits or contact is cut. One more no show or turning up late and that's it. Your son does not need a father who clearly cares very little about him. Maybe you still have feelings for this guy and that's the reason why you haven't stood up to him over this. Honestly, you are letting him get away with it and whilst your son may not understand at the moment, one day he will. Then it'll be too late and he'll feel rejected and you'll have enabled your ex to make him feel that way. I get it, it's hard because you want him to have a relationship with his son, but it's pretty obvious he's not interested in putting your son first. Be bitchy if you have to. Just stop treading on eggshells around him - tell him to be 100% committed to being a dad. If he can't do that then it's hardly worth your son being subjected to that kind of rejection time and time again. Good luck.