No emotional support!!

Jennifer - posted on 05/04/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I don't know what else to do. I have gone for a VERY long time now not talking to any adult besides coworkers and the babysitter. My daughter's father lives on the opposite coast, my family that lives near me has not helped me at all, not even when I had a c-section, lived next door, and was living alone with a newborn. I had a couple friends who were there for about the first 6 months, but they have since moved on with their lives and forgotten about us. The last several times I have asked people to watch her so I could get a break they never got back to me with answers. I created a group on meetup, people have joined but no one participates. I don't know what else to do. For the most part I love being a single mom, I love that I get to make all of the decisions, I love watching her grow and reach new milestones. But I can't take being so alone anymore, I need adult companionship too. A hug would be nice

Is there anyone else out there with as little emotional support as me? I am so tired of people saying they know how hard it is, no they don't. They DO have help, they DO get breaks once in awhile, they DO have people to talk to. If there is, how do you get through it? I know this is bothering me even more right now because she has been sick 5 times in the lst 3-4 months, last weekend I got puked and pooped on, and I am just tired.

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Hi Jennifer - wow - part of me is laughing, not at you, at all of us - this wonderful big world and we are treated like we have a sickness called "love" because we love our children!!! I too am isolated at times, I have friends, most are single moms, too and they work all day, day cares until 7 pm, and in bed early. I don't work those hours, so getting together is rough. Even on weekends. to tell you the truth - my dreams have kept me going - my blogs, books and learning. I teach my children tricks on the web, get involved in music with them and we have basically a family Tribe. It's the best thing for us - so many kids at school treat them differently - because of our family status, and sooooo many parents treat me like dirt - even if they are nice to my face, they don't call for picnics, baseball games, anything - we are left out in the cold. I decided - F this. And wrote a book called F Bombs 4 Single Moms because we have to do it ourselves, and we deserve it. I'm here for you, too - all of my work is focused on the arting lifestyle for single moms - that we can craft the most amazing lives for ourselves and our kids and if people want to show up and join the fun - great - but if they want to leave us high and dry - we don't count on them anyway. It's worked so so well for us. Anything you want to ask - from kitchen KrAZineSS to bad ass blanket crafts, web comics, eBooks by kids - we just flat out live out loud. We are treated like crap in "the world" but i don't need the world to relate to us to know how incredible we are. Look at just this post by you!!!! It's everywhere, but you're one post has brought all of these moms together to share that truth: people teach us to be "woe is Me" but we're not going along with it - no way!!!!

Jennifer - posted on 05/04/2011

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YES!!!! I know what you're going through....although I did have the babysitter (who is also sorta like my ex bil although they were never married lol I still consider him as such), but my dad lives on the other side of the island and hardly has seen my 5 yr. old in her lifetime, my sister has her own kids and what not, my mom lives in the mainland, and the friends I have pretty much have families and lives of their own lol. Her father has not even met her. I have another daughter who will be 20 months on the 18th. Her father has never helped at night, lives on a different island, and hasn't really had a hand in raising her at all. The few times he would see her he would hardly spend time with her and the most he's done for her is feed her a bottle when she was an infant and change her daiper every now and then (not because he offered, but because I handed him the daiper) and now that I finally decided to call it quits with him? Hasn't seen her at all! In addition to that, he hasn't given me a dime since then, either, and he was only giving me 200 which I was only allowing because we were supposed to be "together." I waited until my taxes came and then I filed for child support. Recently got the proposed administrative order and I couldn't stop laughing when I saw that they were suggesting he pay $742....my best friends, well one lives on the other side of the island (and she's got two kids, too) and the other lives in Minnesota (and she's got three kids and is a single parent, too!). I know all too well what you're going through. I raised my oldest daughter pretty much by myself, did all the midnight feedings, etc. My ex that she calls daddy isn't really her father, but was there since she was born. That doesn't mean he helped out all that much. And now that I have the second one, I've not had too much help. Well, there is one thing with the second one, though. The neighbors love her and like to take her, but that's not something I usually take advantage of often because the wife smokes as well as other reasons. But if I don't have one I usually have the other, so....yeah. I know more so what you're going through because of my first one, though. When I was working it wasn't a break from her because, well, I was working, and when I was off I had her.
If you need someone to talk to, though, I'm here.

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Sara - posted on 02/07/2014

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I'm very alone also. Ppl say reach out! I hate this! Im not good at it. I came on here because it seems like the most emotional support I can get right now. My family is 4 hours away. Baby daddy is not in the pic and I have a 1 year old and a 5 year old. Does anyone else feel hopeless right now?

Vivian - posted on 11/07/2013

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Hi there, I totally understand what are you talking about, becoz I am the same, besides that all my family its dysfunction never call me since I move to united states, and my Ex is still emotionally abusing me, bullying me at the same time. Taking me to the court and giving up his visitation here and there, just to fits his life style. But still puts me down whenever he feels like it. I am dealing with a personality disorder EX.
I hate family holiday, because I don’t have one beside my son. Tired of not talking to any adult day to day, and dealing with my EX abusive emails, text and no emotional support from my family and very limit friends, because I have just moved to this country. I tried every thing I can to have my head up and both feet on the grand. Most of my friends have family, hubby, kids so it is so hard to cop when it comes to weekend and holidays, even my single mom friend has family around… I don’t know how to cop the loneliness any more, even I am very good at being with myself. It has been over 1 year and 3 months now… I really sees no hope of getting any good support, I tried to created a single mom group but only 2 moms that its not really single mom showed up then no more meetup. Maybe we can spend our thanksgiving together :) where do you live?

User - posted on 05/12/2011

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I wont say i fully undestand you but in a way i do i get support help from my parent i have a roof over my head i have food to eat and my mother who takes care of my child while i attend school but its not emotional help everyone makes it seem like im crazy by what i say alot of my friends kinda diss me i guess or they just have their own world i know moms but most of them have bfs and me i single and its hard cuz its been almost half a yr since my bbdaddy left me... its sad when u feel so tired from life you love ur child and all but if you sound like im tired and such people wanna say oh she or i did it so why cant you do it alone well everyone deals with stuff differently and people need to understand that it sucks people say they will take care of her and bail i would never do that i keep my word with stuff cuz i dont want bad stuff to go with me i believe in karma so yeah hopefully you get the emotional help you need cuz we all do if u need anyone to talk to im here

Amanda - posted on 05/11/2011

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I've been in the same situation. I finished my last 18 months of college raising my son alone. My friends that I saw regularly for the years before dropped off because I wasn't able to go out with them. I had no family and no money for a babysitter. I worked two jobs, went to school full time, and had my baby. There was no time for myself, let alone friends or dating. I didn't try making friends because many times as soon as people heard I had a baby they brushed me off for others they had more in common with - drinking, clubs, etc.
By nature I am not one to strike up a conversation with strangers so it has taken me a long time to make friends. I am finally starting to talk to my neighbors and I've lived where I am now for two years. Here is the one thing I would recommend: if you are speaking to someone, anyone, listen. Don't talk about yourself, or how hard you feel like you have it, don't talk about your interests or your job or your house or your anything. Listen. Ask them about their interests, house, children, job, whatever. Find those common things and start there. Build a friendship through experiences, get together for coffee once a month or something else. In your post you explain that everyone has left you. You lived next door to relatives who didn't help, your friends have forgotten about you. When you reached out to them, was it for help because you were lonely, or was it for friendship? Were the first words out of your mouth about how you were doing? Or did you ask them how they were doing? Do you bother to remember details about them and their lives? Sometimes it is easy for others to want to move on and disinvolve you in their lives because all you talk about is yourself, and how hard you have it. If they leave each interaction feeling depressed because your vibe has rubbed off on them, then they may not want to be around you. It took me a long time to be able to let go enough to leave my son with someone so I could have "me" time. Now he is in school and many of my friends are moms from his class. It took a long time to get to know them too because I am much younger than most of them. I felt like I was going to be judged because there is a 10 to 15 year difference and I figured we wouldn't have anything in common, that I'd be judged for not having the money they do, for my child being one of the few mix-race kids in the town, etc. etc. etc.

I guess my point is that sometimes being isolated is a result of who you are as a person and the actions you take. It was in my case anyway. Starting a meetup group is a great idea, sometimes it just takes a little while to get those things off the ground! Just concentrate on the positives instead of the negatives and it'll go far. Good luck!

User - posted on 05/11/2011

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Oh my...you just wrote MY story! I feel the exact same way. I'm an only child, so my kids don't have aunts/uncles/cousins to visit so it's ALL ME, ALL THE TIME, and I'm tired.

Masae - posted on 05/11/2011

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Same here!!! Your story and feelings sound identical to mine!!! ;) My daughter is 15 months old, and it's just us all the time. Since I'm the kinda person to have only really close friends(which most are single) and our lifestyles are so different, I barely see them anymore. I'm feeling lonely and isolated. I try reaching out all the time, but yeah, I feel like people really don't give a crap or more accurately, can't sympathize because they'd never experienced what it's like. My family lives in the different country and is not supportive at all, either. ...Anyway, you are not alone!!!! In fact, it's amazing and important that we are listening to one another here because honestly, I sometimes feel like I want to die(I wouldn't, but I sure feel like it...), but I now know that I'm not alone by letting you know that you're not alone:) Let's keep our heads up and striving to be a stronger person!!!! We can do it!!!!!!!!

Jennifer - posted on 05/06/2011

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Kristina--this thread is so weird to me because everytime someone starts with, "Hi, Jennifer," I have to remember that the person who started the thread is also named Jennifer haha (: But, what I wanted to let you know is that there are way more out there that can relate than you can imagine! It's finding them that seems to be the trickier part lol. (;

Kristina - posted on 05/06/2011

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Hi Jennifer,
I just barely signed up on circle of moms today because I am feeling exactly the way you feel. I am a single mom of 3 boys 8,7,4 and I do everything myself. Their Dad hasn't been in there lives for going on 4 years now and he rarely helps out financially. I don't have any family because They bring more drama to the table then what I can handle and are all caught up in their own lives. My youngest brother is willing to baby sit them on the 1 Saturday a month that I have to work other then that my life is working, kids, homework, and soccer. I have one good friend but she is engaged and has a toddler so we don't get to spend much time together. so yes I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have been so isolated for so long I don't know how to socialize with people. I hope being here will help me find ways to make friends and has just at leas a little bit of adult time. So although its not great we are in the same boat its nice to know that there's someone out there that knows how I am feeling :)

Jennifer - posted on 05/06/2011

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Get 'em where it hurts....their wallet! Hahahaha....oh, wait, sorry, my bad. I was still thinking about what Aryen's dad's face must have looked like when he saw how much they wanted to take from him....lol
HEY THERE!....I'm glad that some things have given a silver lining to the clouds, and I hope that it works out with those people who finally RSVP'd, too. If you ever need someone to talk to, though, I am here! And I mean, literally. If you need someone to talk to? We can exchange numbers if you want to. My best friend raising the three kids by herself in the mainland and I have talked a lot, especially when we had our firstborns, and it helped to have an adult to talk to LOL I'm just offering, I don't expect you to take me up on it and if you don't I won't be offended :D I just thought I'd offer simply because I'm just that kind of person.
OH! And I hope your daughter feels better soon (:

Jennifer - posted on 05/05/2011

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Thank you everyone for your comments. As for the mommies network, like everything else it isn't in this city. I live in a strange place, our population says we are a city but the people act like we are a small old fashioned town. Everything that they do have here for kids is geared towards stay at home moms :( I did however find a class that I can do with my daughter on Saturdays, so if she kicks this cold she will have her first toddler gymnastics class, that lifted my spirits a little bit. Also, after I posted this some people finally RSVP'd to go to some meetups in my group I created, hopefully they do show up this time.



Someone commented on a friend saying that they were isolating themselves. I had a friend do that to me too a few weeks ago. I contacted her and told her that I was beginning to get depressed because I never hear from anyone anymore. She told me that over the last few years she has seen a big change in me. That I used to be the type to hop on a plane at last minute notice and go somewhere fun. She couldn't understand that over these last few years I was pregnant, got dumped, and am now raising a toddler all by myself, which means those kind of trips aren't really options anymore. I also pointed out that when I used to do that kind of stuff, I was doing that alone too and the always being alone has finally taken its toll. I haven't heard from her since and am at a point where I am willing to let all of those past friendships of convenience go.



Again, thank you for the replies. Hopefully some of these new developments work out for me and I make at least one new friend to talk to that also understands how difficult parenting can be at times.

Mabebe - posted on 05/05/2011

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At some point i came to a conclusion that friends and some family members would rather have me single without a child because then when i did not have a child i could do things with them, go on outings, stay on a phone for hours but everything changed after i had my daughter. I live with her just the two of us, im a single mom and living far from family and most of my friends but in this year i managed to make friends with some of my colleagues and during tea time i would share my experiences with one or two of them and believe me i find that you are never alone in these kind of experiences and you will pull through it all. your baby is going to grow and you will claim your life back, one thing i have learnt out of my experience it is to talk about it and it does feel better afterwards because you may seek for emotional support where u may never find. to top it all i had one friend who thought i was the one isolating myself and hardly have time to chat on the phone and what she did not understand was that i have to answer to every cry of my baby, every diaper change, every puke, every feed and house hold chores including preparing food for myself and i recall eating scramble eggs almost everyday as it was the fastest thing i could prepare and i cannot neglect my baby's need over a chat. it is really hard and not so many people understand, i doubt if i understand myself but i got myself a helper now so at least i can make some me-time and concentrate on other things i find interest in besides minding the baby, it feels better now and i have people like u in circle of moms to also share my frustrations with. wish that you do not feel worse than what you are right now should you not get the emotional support. all the best

Alisha - posted on 05/04/2011

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Wow this sounds tough! Do you have a local church you would like to try and go to? Or some support group or mom's meeting a few times a month to meet people?

Stephanie - posted on 05/04/2011

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you should join the mommies network. Whatever city you are in Im sure they have a chapter in your area that you can participate in. They have them in several cities. They have helped me get through my post partum depression, being a single mother I know EXACTLY how you feel. So google The Mommies Network and see if they have a chapter in your area. They have playdates, Mommies night out, groupwide events, and stuff where you are bound to meet people and gain long lasting friendships to help you through this time. They have a no drama rule and they are genuine women. You would love it, I promise. I know I am a single mommie too. Go check it out.

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