"No over night visits of the opposite sex"

Miranda - posted on 01/04/2012 ( 21 moms have responded )

37

66

1

Im mine and my ex's custody agreement on our child it says "no over night visits of the opposite sex". Ok, I am wondering... Does that mean I cant even live with anyone? I have a boyfriend and we have been talking about marriage, but we dont want to get married until we know we can live with each other. Do we have to get married before we move in together because of this statement in the custody agreement? Thanks..

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Mindy - posted on 01/23/2012

15

19

0

Judges are notoriously conservative when it comes to relations outside of marriage. Chances are, if your ex is involved in your child's life at all, you will not be able to live with someone unless you are married. If you do so anyway and your ex takes you to court over it, you could lose custody.

Ayan - posted on 01/10/2012

6

0

0

Life will test you love, this is part of growing up. We thought our parents held back and we can go further but there are blocked roads all over...trying hard, crying or sadness will NOT break them. Humbleness, lesson learned, mercy, understanding, caring and sharing is way to breakthrough. You haven't examined closely of those you consider free, happy, successful and wealthy...everyone is complaining and no one is ever fully satisfied with their life with the exception of few who decided to have a laugh at their worse days...enjoy the blessings of the hard days n belief the good days are around the corner...better yet Go out of your way for a cause or someone and forget about your difficulties..I am telling you that's the home of happiness, go n visit
peace n love

Ayan - posted on 01/10/2012

6

0

0

You seem to be afraid to commit to this person but isn't moving in together commitment itself..marriage is nothing but announcing that you are with a person so if moving in together seems alright to you than in actual that is a marriage only He or you don't want to tell the world you are together.(married). if its piece of paper then why not sign it..Its funny we live in a society that shames marriage but accepts what originally use to be known as marriage.
A man who would live with you but won't marry you just wants to use you till he can find someone in his mind better or he can't get his life together without you and he finally settles..People sign for gym, jobs, schools or any worthy of commitment however you consider your self unworthy of that commitment and you're willing to be tested before commitment...why aren't we accepting this for all the cheap material things in-life but we are ok with ourselves though we consider to be the most important person/thing we should be worried about.
You are precious, life gives no guarantees and no one can be understood in any length of period of time in order to see what kind of a person they are...Age, time, place, situations and circumstances change us and others around us. Ask what you really want and where in life you want to go then grab yourself a partner that's headed your way. Have you ever caught a bus you didn't know where it was headed...You need to pick your partner like you pick everything important in life. Check info, where, when how and why and then get on wholeheartedly and hope for the best.
No reason to bring a looser in to your children's life who wants to use you, real men know what they want, when, how n why n no amount of free sex can make them stay.
Love ur self and enjoy life trust me in that way the right guy will came and you won't have to whisper to ur girls whether or not he will propose..
God bless the mother in you
Be strong, pick ur partner proudly n remember life is short so make ur self, kids n those near n dear loved, secure and safe.

Ashley - posted on 01/08/2012

7

0

0

i feel this is just a precauction to ensure you dont have random people coming and going from your childs life.
Im not trying to imply you are like that, so please dont get offended by that comment.
but if its to the point of yall talking marriage i would think its pretty serious and your kid has met him. so it shouldnt be a big deal

Tiffany - posted on 01/05/2012

76

0

6

Are you really sure you want to bring your boyfriend into your child's life in that close of a way without being sure he will be a permanent part of your child's life? I just ask from previous experience. I dated a man for 2 years that had a son. I was over there so much anyway and we had decided with certainty that we would get married, but we'd live together first. Since his mom was in another state and he had full custody I took on the role of mother. Well, as certain as we both were it ended and I would NEVER make the mistake of living with someone before marriage again especially with children involved.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

21 Comments

View replies by

Miranda - posted on 01/26/2012

37

66

1

Ok it's not that I don't trust him with anything. I don't trust anyone with my money and my belongings. If its mine... It's mine, no one else's! Even if I was to get married to him or just living with him... The house and bills would be in one of our names and we would just each pay half. That ways if we get divorced the house goes to the person who owns it. My deal is not planning on getting a devorive, but being prepared if it ever does. I don't want to buy anything together so that way I don't hurt my credit score... My credit score is excellent and I don't want one little think like a price of paper (marriage liscense) to mean that I have to share my money and my belongings. I may be a little selfish but I like to be careful with my money!!!! I think that it shouldn't matter if your married or not if you want to live w someone you love then that should not be against the law! I mean what If I NEVER wanted to get married because marriage to me is just a price of paper and two rings... You can be married with out the marriage license. It's called loving the person your with! That's how I believe. And it doesn't matter if I'm with the guy I'm with now or not, my daughter will k ow him because he is my cousins best friend/room mate. The has nothing to do with my past relationships/marriages. I've never been married. I've only had 2 teenage semi-serious boyfriends. It has to do with what I have seen in my mothers marriages (who by the way also beloved that marriage is just a peice of paper) and others marriages. I know someone who is stuck in her marriage cuz she has no money to leave and they have kids together. I don't want to end up like that either. So I thi k if I ever did get married we would NOT share a bank account at all. My money will be mine and his money will be his. That way if he runs out of money he can't take mine and I won't give him any. Hell be out of luck so to speak! Now do y'all get what I'm saying! It sucks that this says I have to married when really what if I never wanted to get married... So I have to be alone for the rest of my life?!!

[deleted account]

I agree with everything Ayan said. Also.. If you don't trust this man enough to commit to legally, I don't quite understand why you would even bother committing to him living with both you and your child (which I'm pretty sure has some legal constraints, too). That is a huge step. Unless I'm reading something wrong, this just doesn't make any sense why one commitment is okay and the other is not. You said you are worried about finances - that makes sense! But, at the same time... even if you are just living together and not even married, that problem or question would still come up. When someone lives with you, you in turn rely on them for their fair share. What happens if one of you does not contribute your fair share? Living with him, you are still trusting him enough to be around your finances and to share financially in your life. It sounds like you are heartbroken from the past, as is your boyfriend. But, to move forward with both of your lives you need to let go of the past and focus on your life as a family and what your goals are (because you are joining his life with the life of you and your child). If you go back to court to have your order changed, you will have to be comfortable with your ex playing by the same rules as you would like for yourself. I wish you and your family all the best!

[deleted account]

If you are already worried about divorce and more concerned about your material possesions than you are what your life would be without this man I'm inclined to say he's either not for you or you are not in a place in life to be married to anyone anyway. Those are just why thoughts by what you have expressed.

Katie - posted on 01/11/2012

1

18

0

On the topic of pre-nups: yes, non celebs can have them too. In the case of what you are talking about, itemize your assets in the pre-nup and his too, both of you sign in front of a notary and you don't have to worry about the items you enter with. But you will have to worry about the state laws where you are as to the items that you aquire once you are married. The wording of the original agreement does prohibit you from just living with someone. But you can also write an amendment to the agreement if you can get the other parent to sign it infront of a notary also and it will be binding too. Either way, you will have a small notary fee but you can get around the wording of the order. I do agree with many posters that stated that you should put a greater value on yourself, and get a commitment out of the man you bring into your precious daughter's life but that is totally your call and I personally have not placed such a value on myself so have no real room to talk on that point. As far as divorces ending in bankruptcy, that is not always the case and it would only happen if there is a great amount of debt that is built during the marriage. Divorce has a much higher price you should worry about, the emotional state of your daughter if the marriage breaks up is a much steeper price to pay than any fee for the filing could ever be. I have been through 2 divorces and have 4 beautiful children. I wish I could pay money to make their pain go away but it hasn't been an option. Hope some of this helps.

Miranda - posted on 01/10/2012

37

66

1

Ya that's my point. When I get married won't most my stuff be half his too? That stuff is mine and I don't want to share it! My car is mine and when I have my own house it will be mine. If I have to have a co signer it will be my
Mom! I don't want to co sign w any guy! I'm a trusting person but with my money I am careful! I love the guy I'm with and I'm sure he loves me too. And even if we weren't together he is around my daughter anyways because he is my cousins bestfriend. She would still she him. Ishe knew him before we decided to be together. I just don't want to put a price on love. Know what I mean?

Sherry - posted on 01/10/2012

117

2

30

I know what you mean. A lot of my friends got married very young (22-28 years old). Now that we are nearing 40 years old, many of them are going through some ugly divorces. I have never been married. I won't even consider dating or marriage until my daughter is an adult. I am also very cautious with my money, home, belongings, etc. No reason to let a man come and take it all away. Especially since one day it will all belong to my DD.

Sherry - posted on 01/10/2012

117

2

30

So, if it costs $50 for a court house wedding, And it costs $500 for a divorce? That really isn't much money to risk there? Are you sure he is worth it? Perhaps you are still newly divorced? I am guessing that it has been less than 5 years?

Miranda - posted on 01/10/2012

37

66

1

Ok I get what all y'all are saying but in this world it's like divorce is the new fab or something! Everyone's doing it. My deal is I don't want to spend money on getting married, maybe like 50 for a court house wedding and then have to pay 500!!! For a divorce, WHAT!! The boyfriend I have has told me he wants to marry me. He has been engaged before but the girl cheated on him. He went do years not wanting anyone but he is ready to settle down with me. I'm just not sure I want to throw away money on a marriage if you know it's the thing to get divorced somewhere done the road and pay all that dang money! That's my deal. I don't want to go bankrupt either! I was told bout a prenup. Can non- celebrities get those?

Tiffany - posted on 01/09/2012

76

0

6

This will sound harsh, but the court isn't concerned so much about your happiness and rather what is in the best intterest of your daughter. If all marriage is to you is a piece of paper and a couple rings I might caution against it. The reason it's less confusing is because true marriage is a covenant that cannot be broken...what God joins let no man seperate...Divorce is simply in the eyes of the law legal but not in the eyes of God. So if you view it that way you understand that you are joining with this other person permanently and your daughter will know that as well. Also, think about what you'd want for your daughter and TRY to be that model yourself...We all fail to live up to the ideal, but we have to do our best. Do you want her sleeping with men she's not married to? If not don't show her it's okay by living with a man you're not married to yourself. You didn't want your ex to bring a string of random women in and out of her life for a reason. You don't want to bring a man into her life that she's going to think is going to be there for her, develop a relationship with and then end up breaking her heart too. If you and your boyfriend break up your daughter will be ending her relationship with that man too.

Miranda - posted on 01/06/2012

37

66

1

Well when I actually had this put in our agreement because the dad had already brought like 3 girls with him to pick up our daughter from me. I didnt know that it would cause me to have to get married before I moved in with my boyfriend. My whole thing is yall are saying that if I got married it would be less confusing for the child. How does the kid even know? I mean, its not like our lives changed because I got married. Its a few rings and a peice of paper. My whole thing is I dont want to have to share money or put things in both our names. My crap is mine and his crap is his. Know what I mean? That way I dont have to worry bout if he does leave me I dont have to file bankruptcy. I am a very cautious person about my money (kinda). I dont want anyone else to be able to claim ANY of my stuff as theirs. Its mine, I paied for it, I earned it. I dont care if I am married. That money/stuff is mine and It will stay that way. I made up my mind when I was 13 that I didnt want to get married because I saw my mom and how my Ex-step dad left her his motorcycle that neither one of them could pay for by their selves and she had to file bankruptcy because of it.
Ive heard I can do a prenup or what ever just so I can get married, but really Do those really work? I thought they were only for Famous people? See my whole delima. Yes, me and my boy friend right now have talked about Marriage and we've thought about it. Both of us have said that we dont really want to marry anyone.

Jurnee - posted on 01/06/2012

3,790

22

110

I would think that meant not living with anyone or just having a boyfrind stay over. Marriage would most likely be allowed, but still I would check with your lawyer.Also, agreements can always be modified if both patents agree. so if in the future you meet someone who is going to be a permanent part of your lives, you could have the order changed, to allow you to live together. Although it sounds harsh, I wish the judge in my case had thought like this judge. My ex had numerous different women staying with him on occasions, sometimes just one night stands, and the judge said, even though his morals may be differnet, he has the right to them and unless he physically harms the kids, he can introduce them to as many women as he wants. So, I can see how the judge in your case was trying to put your daughters interests first, and thats their job.

Sherry - posted on 01/06/2012

117

2

30

It sounds to me like it means that you can not live with someone else (except in situations like marriage). I think that is probably best for any children involved. Less confusion for them.

Sabrina - posted on 01/05/2012

23

4

5

Wow I didnt even know that was legal... I would go to court and modify your custody agreement.

Miranda - posted on 01/05/2012

37

66

1

Yeah, but what if I NEVER wanted to get married. Ive seen to many divorces end in backruptcy and bad things. What if I never want to go thru that. I mean. Dont get me wrong I love my daughter.. but this court crap sucks! All my wishes go down the drain! Since I was 14 Ive wanted to move out of the state I live in and now I cant even move out of the town I live in!! Plus now I have to get married to be happy? Its just not even right! I mean dont we have freedom to speech or whatever? Dont we have freedom to our wishes we once had?

Denikka - posted on 01/04/2012

2,145

5

746

I would personally think so, but you'd really have to talk to a lawyer to be certain. You can always go back to mediation and amend the agreement or put in this exception.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms