Out shopping and ran into my baby's dad and his new wife when he's refused to have contact for the last 2yrs

Amy - posted on 01/09/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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The short version... I've known my sons father almost all my life ( we've not always been in contact all that time) and when I ran into him after a
Good few years, we had a wirl wind 3 months together where we decided we'd do ivf ( pco suffer) for a baby and get married ect..I arrived home from a work trip leaving him behind. I then find out a week later I was pregnant he took it well over the phone for a while but then made excuses to put off coming back, after 3 months of waiting with patchy contact he just cut all ties, despite e-mailing him and recording my efforts he refused all contact he got back in touch when my son was 5 m and hung around spongeing off me and messing with my head I asked him to leave he didn't show up for my little ones birthday when he said he would and we've had no contact for over 18 months. Due to small town talk Facebook and a news paper arctical I found out 6weeks after I'd asked him to leave he'd moved in with a woman and her 3 children they got married 6 months ago I applied for child support and have received £12.50 in total! This is the only contact I have made with him ( ido have a rocky relationship with his family)
so I'm out shopping with my dad and son and my son goes to look at some books, I look up to see my son stood next to his dad and his wife!!! He chose to ignor us all and we did the same... Has anyone experience this kind of situation or any advice??

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Jennifer - posted on 01/10/2011

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You are blessed! Even if it's hard to see right now. I listen to my friends complaining about visitation and joint custody and I wouldnt change my situation for anything. Especially with a man of debatable moral standards. Let him fail as a father, your son will know it was his father and not you who failed. At least this way you don't have to worry about your son...

Kathleen - posted on 01/10/2011

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I probably wouldnt have ignored him either, I have an aunt who was with her boyfriend for a long time they had a baby and he took off when my cousin was around 3 or 4 i believe, my cousin is 10 now and still has no contact with her dad he is now married with another child but still ignores his first child my aunt gives my cousin all the love in the world and it in turn makes up for the dad she doesnt have....I know that every child deserves 2 parents but if he isnt a good role model and isnt trying to be active in your sons life dont force it you son will be better off with out him and im sure you dad and other members of your family will be a good enough male role modle for him, as well as when he gets older if he plays sports he will have teachers and coachs. Im sorry your ex is a jerk, but I am sure that you love your son enough to cover that of 2 parents. Good luck!

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26 Comments

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Alisha - posted on 02/01/2011

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Wow his behavior and actions are disgusting! I probably would also have ignored him just because of not expecting to see him. I feel bad for his new wife (why did she marry him), but I feel even worse for you and your son. Some people have issues with accepting they have children and instead of embracing that fact, choose to run away. If he doens't want anything to do with your child that's his problem, but don't say mean things about him to your son and answer questions in a neutral way when your son asks you so that way you are not the bad guy and your son will realize how his dad is on his own. I would keep pushing for child support though!!

CHERANA - posted on 01/29/2011

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shame aya men are just dogs!!!!
its so easy for them just to move on and not to care that a part of them is out there.....

Ashley - posted on 01/28/2011

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I had a run in with my daughter's father during a festival my town locally has.. At the time she was less than a year old.. and he completely ignored us.. That didn't sit well with me.. considering alls he does is complain about how I never let him see her.. there she is in front of him and he ignores her so I called him out on it.. "too good for your own daughter eh? Have a nice life bud" and that was the last time we had a run in.. I can't stand men like that.. it's so disrespectful to their child.

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2011

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I have been in a similar situation, My son's father has never met him, he demanding a dna test 3 months in my pregnacy and once i left him he didn't have nothing to do with me or bother to ring and see if the baby was ok, i left him to it cuz quite frankly if he's going to act like a child then he's better off staying away instead of stressing me out. After my son was born it took his dad a week to contact me and saying he wants to see me..... yes i was a bitch and played on the words and made sure that my son would be out, the day b4 he was ment to come up he rang again saying he couldn't wait to see 'THE BABY' and went into one like a child when i told him he wasn't and if he wants to see him he'd have to make arangement which is what tomorrow was all about, the ohone went dead and i didn't hear from him again untill the day his sister was due 3 days b4 my son was 5 months. he demanded to see my son or he was taking me to court, i told him to go for ir and never heard from him again. my son is now 3 weeks of 5 and on newyears eve while shopping i spotted his father, I turn a stared at him waiting for him to come over and see his chilkd since he's never seen him, instead he ran down the ilse with his mate and waitinf for me to move, i did react as i was so annoyed at the fact that he didn't have a nose at his own flesh and blood, as he walked off i shout ' thats it run away never mind your son'. Now my son has never seen his dad but does know about him and his family, his grandad lives opposite his best mate and has also ignored him while out shopping and my son was stopod right next to him pulling at my coat to show me it was his grandad. i have never claimed anothing off him as when my son decides he wants to meet his dad, his farther eill not have a choice and i will claim every penny from the past how ever many years, if he cant be bothered with his child then i'll make him pay when my child is ready, my son is not affected by not knowing his dad, nore does he care he has had plenty of male rolemodles in his life and dont need a waste of space messing with his head. Your son will be fine and is probably better of and as you've already started claim carry on and get every penny you can get out of him.... its not about the money but must make you feel better

Katie - posted on 01/21/2011

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Amy Heild I agree with you. I have never kept my bd from my kids, but I have never pushed him to be a part of their life either. In the beginning I did, but all that did was frustrate me. I realize that although he's 32 years old and I expect him to be a man and take care of his responsibility he wont and there isn't anything I can do about it. My kids do deserve a dad, and I am blessed to say my boyfriend has been every bit of a father to my children since we've been together. Although right now they have no idea who their real father is I feel they're too young to try to explain it to now. They're only 2 and 3. They call my bf daddy, but they know he is not their father and they asked if they could call him daddy. When they are older I will explain it to them. Honestly, they are better off without him. He's turned into a drug addict, keeps popping out babies and not paying for them, and can't stand the thought of growing up.

Katie - posted on 01/21/2011

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Well I actually had the same experience minus the wife. My ex and I have two children they're 2 and 3 now. He has not been involved in their lives since my 2 year old was a little over a year. He was abusive with me and when he realized he didn't have a chance to be with me he cut the kids out of his life too. I was in Wal-Mart about a year ago right after my daughter turned 2 and I had my daughter in my arms. He walked right into facing me and my daughter and stopped dead in his tracks. I was shocked. He looked at me and her for a second and ran. I couldn't believe him. My mother had my son in the store and I found her and gave her my daughter and went on a warpath to find him. He's lucky I didn't find him because I was about to give him a piece of my mind. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to run away from my child his own child. Since then I have ignored him. That's his decision he's going to have to live with. I've never kept my children from him (no matter what happened between me and him) and I have never used them for leverage. I know that when my kids grow up I can tell them that their father was given every opportunity to be around for them and he's made his own decisions in life. It's a shame that that's the way it's gotta be, but it is what it is.

Ayanda - posted on 01/21/2011

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Oh Hell nooooo. I would have greeted im then tell my child, here's your daddy my bby..
I really get annoyed at these men who seem to get away with muder..

Amy - posted on 01/19/2011

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I won't bother you with my story but I will give you some advice based on what my family has been through. Obviously, you cannot change the relationship between you and him. All you can do is take some time to calm down and try to put yourself in your son's place. How do you think he will feel as he is growing up, not knowing who his father is? How do you think he would feel growing up if he knew who his father was but felt unwanted? We want our children to have every opportunity, including knowing where they came from. But in this situation, you may need to take a step back, remove YOUR emotions from the equation, and simply consider what is best for your child. My daughter loves her biological father, but looking back, I wish I hadn't pushed him to see her and pay child support. Yes, all children deserve to know who their parents are. But at what cost? I'm probably just confusing you, but I just want to emphasize that it's not all about your feelings and what you think is right. It's about your son, and how this will impact him as he grows into a young man.

Tammy - posted on 01/17/2011

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As difficult as it was you did the right thing. Yes you could have lashed out and embarrassed him but that could have been traumatizing for your son. You did everything you could to get him involved. You have every right to be pissed he is playing daddy with someone else's kids and ignoring his own son. But it sounds to me like your son is better off not knowing him. In a perfect world children would have both parents actively in their lives but in reality some people are no fit to be parents.
My 7 month old sons bio. father is a prime example. He has never met my son and never will. My son has Achondroplasia a form of dwarfism. His father upon finding this out suddenly did not want to be a dad anymore. I could push the issue but why should my son suffer because his father in a closed minded moron? I love my son with all my heart and would change nothing about him, he is perfect in my eyes. It's his father loss not my sons.
I have no doubt you love your son more than enough for both parents and there is no need for him to be subject to his fathers irresponsible attitude. Trust me one day his father will realize he just missed out on his little boy growing up and try to make contact. Most likely once he is in his teens or as a young adult. And your son will decide what he wants to do, but most importantly he will know who was there and loved him unconditionally all along... YOU!!! A child can not ask for more :)

Erica - posted on 01/17/2011

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Um, I've never had that situation but I am one of those left behind children. My opinion is you did the right thing. Go home and visit family, if he tries to talk to you or your son walk away (sounds like he won't).

For your sons sake, keep tabs on where this man lives. Maybe make a generic biography file on him such as siblings the father has as well as other family members. Birthday. High school career. Very generic info. This way when your son comes asking questions you can give him this file and then when he is old enough the address.

My father hid from me for years. When I finally found him he told me I wasn't his (which everyone in the family but him says I'm definitely his, look just like his mother). When I asked how he could just walk away from me when I was five and leave me with my nut job of a mother, his response was "You had your sister to help. And look you're still alive." Years later I realize what a piece of work he was, but the day he said that to me I cried (and I was a grown woman) for the little girl that was never loved. But atleast my mom didn't try to make him visit me which would have made it worse.

Nicole - posted on 01/13/2011

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Girl...it takes patience and prayer...This is a new year..he sounds like a bum anyway..if you every deny speaking to your child..Go ahead and live your life..and when you start...you will find out you are worth more than he can ever give you and that he is a bum needing a woman to live off of..ugh...but girl do you..have fun...enjoy yourself..and know you are worth more...~

Jessica - posted on 01/11/2011

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did the dad know that was his son right next to him? or does he have no idea what he looks like?

Nina - posted on 01/11/2011

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Hey Amy, I think its a waste of energy to show any sign of wanting anything from this man. If you can afford to, raise your child yourself and forget about the man. Things have a way of biting you inthe backside ( sounds cliche but its true: we all pay the piper eventually). Two stories for you. I know someone whose father left home and moved down the street a few houses away with a new wife and kids. Not one day did he visit his son, the mom never bothered him either. Five years on, he came back to wish his son a happy birthday, bought him a pencil as a gift and never came back. The child is now an accomplished engineer. His father has desperately tried to re-establish a secret relationship with his son but the son eventually told him he hardly had any respect for a man who ignored him for so long. When you look at the man you would wonder if its age or his conscience eating at him, but he's a sorry sight. I think he deserves what he is getting from his son, and even though it is unwise to be vengeful, i would do the same thing his son did. Second story is about a woman who had an affair with someone she considered a lowlife and bore a son out of that alliance.As soon as she discovered her pregnancy, she cried rape and sent the man to jail for two years. When the child's father one day showed up (he apparently hadn't been told about having a child) to meet his son he was again detained for a short while and threatened with more jail time. he is still not what she would want to be associated with but he is still the father. Imagine what torment it is for a child to see school friends who have dad's when he doesn't. And kids have an innocent way of bringing up painful realities. My point is be honest to your child and to yourself about what you are going through because of the man who is an absentee father. love and care for the child 10000% but eventually when they can get it, explain it to them what things were like and what your take is. Let them make their own minds about how they will relate to their dad. It sounds naive but really, if you dont need his support, there is a bright side which is that yopu can have total say about how to raise your child. Nothing really beats that. However, if you think he is deliberately holding out on you, breathe down his neck til he owns up to fatherhood (P.S it helps to keep all records especially financial concerning the child's raising). If his new family dont know what kind of man he is, dont worry if they find out or not. Its not your duty. Make up your mind about your child and go for what you decide. Bear in mind, there is no way of dignifying an encounter with an unrepentent spouse. He is likely to bring out sides of you that even you dont know you have, so you brace yourself if thats the path you want to take. If not, live your life as usual, if not better. Let it be known you are not down and out. Pamper yourself and feel good, you will definitely look good. (He may even regret his latest choice) Don't tailor your life around avoiding him either. Do him no favours. Last advice is make amends with your family for your child's sake. What becomes of him if God forbid something happens to you? He should ideally have nothing to do with any feuds with anyone, not even the sorry excuse of a father he has. Seriously last comment is give the man an opportunity one day to exculpate himself for his actions. he could be genuinely stuck in a rut and when he says something, you will hold him to his word for a while.

Amy - posted on 01/11/2011

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Nicol that awful your husband did that to u the day before Christmas eve u did well to act the way u did ignoring him is the right thing to do I recon, movig on is difficult but I think I did that a good while ago I'm just trying to learn how to deal with running into him again as it's bound to happen again at some point ! I guess ignoring him will get easier but part of me is horrified by the fact that I'm teaching my son to ignor his own father??!

Amy - posted on 01/11/2011

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I wish io could get child support of him even though I said I wouldnt as I dont believe he should be contributing to children that arn't his and not paying for his own! However he is dodging the child support agency pretty well and has run them round and round in circles and has got away with only paying £12.50 in 2 yrs as it seems there is nothing they can do about it! As he's swapping from being on benefits to being self employed and making the most of making them run round after him and then by the time they have the paperwork done he's swapped again!! Grrr it's so frustrating !

Amy - posted on 01/11/2011

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Thanks so much ladies for sharing your experiences and advice with me.... The thing that's playing on my mind I think is that at one poor when I told him I was pregnant he got in a strop and
Had a go at me as he said he'd never be able to go back tonour home town as everyone would think he's an arse hole, he was angry that I had done this to him... I said at the time that he was the only one making himself look like an arsehole as i was very open to making the situation as easy as possible.. 3 yrs on and he's living in our home town living happily with his wife and her 3 children and I'm living miles away ( my choice as I haven't lived in my home town for 16yrs) with no family around me feeling a bit lacking in support ( only cause I haven't had a night out in 7 months!!) and now I can't go and visit my family without being worried that I will run into him again and like jessica's first thought I'd be worried that I would loose it and make myself look like a nutter who's still in love with him!! I can assure u that I am not in love with this man and realised this when he came back into our lives hence why I asked him to leave.
And like u said Candice this will upset my son in the future I just want to do all I can to minimise that hurt and show him I wasn't bitter and obstructive..... And although he can't understand now I hope my actions are the best ones

Nicole - posted on 01/10/2011

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My husband hooked up with one of my friends and decided to leave me for her (on Dec 23rd) and one day, when I was out shopping when I ran into him, his girlfriend and her son. They were laughing and having a great time.

I froze, then I ran and found someplace safe and burst into tears.

It's hard and I am sorry you had to go through that.

My advice would be to spare yourself and your child the stress of that situation by moving on. I think ignoring him was a good idea.

Candice - posted on 01/10/2011

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I am going through something a little similar.. My son will be 10 next month and has no clue who his bio-logical father is.. he left us when he was 2 weeks old.. showed up once when he got the paternity test in the mail at age 2 and was more concerned about having to pay child support than actually being a father.. I told him that I wouldn't go after him for child support if he would just sign his rights over.. and he agreed... well that wasnt possible in the state we were living in.. your rights as a parent have to be terminated... I later met someone and we had a child together... my son believes this is his father as well.. my situation is a little different but similar in a lot of ways.. your son will know the truth someday just like mine.. we have no control over the actions that the non custodial parent chooses. As mothers we try to protect our children from the hurt that these situations cause.. they will find out.. they will hurt.. they will be mad.. but in the end .. they will know that we love them and we did what we though was best.. even if it wasn't. We give them our all.. to make up for the loss of having that bond with their father.. it sucks.. real bad.. but we do all we can do.. good luck to you.. your child deserves to know his father.. but your child deserves the best and maybe his father isn't what is best right now..

Jessica - posted on 01/10/2011

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i would continue to try to get child support. if he is working and hasn't reported it, i would report it. i would fight for child support because you and your son deserve that. it will build up and they will take it out of his taxes what he owes and you will get it.



as for not acknowledging your son? and moving in with someone else's kids? and taking care of them? over his own son? and then ignores his son when his son stands next to him??? wow, how did you not punch him in the face??? seriously? how did you manage to walk away??? that would have been so hard! i would have had both fists up and took a swing as hard as i could if that were me... no, i am kidding, but that thought would definitely cross my mind...



i am going through/went through the same thing. my son's dad has nothing to do with his son but he continues to go out with women that have children and live with them and treating their children like his own... yet, he will call my son once a year if that...he has never given my son a birthday card or a birthday/christmas present... actually he has given my son NOTHING, EVER... yet he will be there and raise someone else's kids and treat them super well and baby sit and wake up with them and be an all out great step dad. i have yelled, i have screamed, i have tried talking, i have written letters, i have called and left messages... but nothing helped and nothing has changed him or the situation... it took me a long time (eleven years) to figure out that i can't change things, i can't turn a duck into a dog... and no matter what, he isn't going to be a dad... the dad he should be. now that my son is older, i actually feel bad for his dad for missing out on what would have been the best days of his life and the most meaningful days and the most memorable days... one day he is going have to face what he did to his son... and that day will suck. it was really hard when he was young to not want to force my (i raised him so my never our) child on him because i needed him to be a dad.... but i realized that i was beating a dead horse trying to make him get up and no amount of time or effort was going to make him get up and change.



I would be very angry, but at the same time realize that you can't change things... the situation is very unfair, it is unfair to you to have to raise your child alone and it is unfair to your child to not have a dad. it is unfair that you son one day is going to wonder what he did to not have his dad around or why his dad can love other children over him... and one day, his father is going to have to answer to that... unfortunately, his dad is never going to wake up and realize any of this no matter what. and when and if he does, it will be too late...



some history: my son's dad did not meet his son until he was five. he never called once or contacted us in any way in those five years and refused to come to the hospital to meet him when he was born. since he was five he has seen him under ten times and has taken him once when he was 11 and failed at the visit completely. he is very mad that i even had a child and says i ruined his life.

Court - posted on 01/10/2011

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What a DICK!!!! Can I say that???



I've never been through it, but knowing me, I wouldn't approach him. If you have the nerve to physically ignore your child's presence, then you are not worth another moment of either of our lives. But you better believe I was having his paychecks garnished for child support.



I am so pissed for you sweetheart. That asshole.

Amy - posted on 01/10/2011

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I think I'm angry that he is playing dad to someone else's 3 children and ignoring his own! I think this is wrong in lots of ways ???

Amy - posted on 01/10/2011

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Thanks for the advice I guess at the time i panicked as it caught me off guard he's not the best role model however I have always wanted nothing more than for my son to have contact with his dad but after many attempts at trying to make this happen I soon realised I can't make him be a father and worrying about it wasn't helping me or my son I wish I had said something at the time and maybe if i run into him again I may be different but I don't know how to say something and keep my dignity and not cause a massive scene !?

Lynn - posted on 01/09/2011

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First of all I don't think that I would have ignored him. I would have made it very clear to everyone around that he needs to acknowledge his child and take some responsibility. That is me though and my opinion. Every child has the right to know the parents. Even if it's the worst thing that could happen. My daughter has never had her dad in her life and she knows him, but she also knows who does everything for her.

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