Sad single mom, advice please ladies!

Maya - posted on 07/18/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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BEWARE OF A VERY LONG POST! I didnt have my father around and i grew up like this. A teen mom who had 2 possiblities for a father of my daughter. I was going through rough times in my life, I was 16 hanging out with the wrong crowd. My mom had a boyfriend, and she never had one since my dad... She was totally in love with this guy. I was a bad kid, id admit. I felt alone sad, i wanted to be loved. This guy didnt want me around, said hed break up with my mom if i was around. So she kicked me out, to live with my 22 year old sister. My permiscous days began. I had gotton drunk and had sex with some guy I barly knew, while I was dating a much older guy who was 23. I had protected sex with the older guy. So when i found out i was pregnant i immediantly thought it was the guy i had a one night stand with. The older guy said the condom broke took it back saying he lied. So i chased after the guy i had a one night stand with to be in my daughters life. When she was about 8 months he started being there she was 12 months when the older guy called from jail saying the condom did indeed break. So i get the test and the older guy whos in jail for 24 years is her father. Most days im okay & content with it. My daughter loves me so much, and she is my everything! I dont go out, i dont date, i dont have sex, iv spent every day with her since i had her, besides working. Im terrified of when she gets older, i dont have any good guys around that i would allow to be a male figure or will actually invest the time with her. I dont want her to be how i WAS. im scared to tell her this story. I promise to whoevers reading this, I love her so much and am doing my best with her. Im just scared my best wont be enough. Im not gonna let her visit her imprisoned father! Ill give her that option when shes older. I know that ill never choose anyone on this earth over her. I have never felt a love so strong, never even knew this type of love was possible. I really just need some words of encouragment, or some advice please. i know that you all wont judge me on my past thats why im so foward. I should probably speak to a consoler but i need other single moms advice too!

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Suzie - posted on 07/31/2012

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I think you are really hard on yourself. And I feel for you... you deserved a mother who really cared and a childhood for that matter. So you have made some mistakes along the way... who hasn't?! I was once told that its 10% of what happens to you in this world and 90% in how you respond to what has happend to you... and that has always stuck with me. You can't control who your daughter's father is... unfortunately for her, her dad made some really bad choices and won't be a part of her life. But what a lesson to learn from and grow from. It sounds like you are a great mom and you have learned what not to do from the experiences you had with your own mom. I think the best thing you can do for you daughter is to be committed. Be committed to her development, her growth as a person, encourage her to succeed, encourage her to always do the right thing... and most importantly share your experiences. Make sure she understands all of what you had to overcome, all of the bad choices you made in your life and would never want her to repeat.

Having a male figure in your daughter's life is really important for her self esteem. But no male figure is better than a poor male figure. Your young... Give it time... Perhaps you meet Mr. Right someday and he fills that need for your daughter.... perhaps you don't. But either way you alone, can encourage your daughter and provide the self-esteem she needs through life to make positive choices and not fall into the same trap you did.

Marie-Christina - posted on 07/19/2012

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Your best is good enough because it comes from love. You made some bad choices as a kid (and who didn't) but yours had a visible consequence. When she is older, you can explain to her what happened without scaring her but it is an excellent way to communicate to her that choices have consequences and not always the ones we expect. I think what Beth said about role models is so true, it can be her pediatrician etc. Good examples are all around. Now that you are looking to be on a better path, better people will come into your life and you will find what you need.

Kristin - posted on 07/19/2012

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Dont be scared that your best isnt going to be good enough, it will be good enough because all we can do as parents is the best we can. I think you should look into some mommy/ toddler groups and agree with Louise that maybe school should be an otion for you as well. As for a male role model for your daughter maybe look into big brothers, or if you have a male friend that can be around her. I think you should also look into counselling to help boost your self esteem especially since you have been hurt a lot in life by those closest to you (ie your mother choosing a man over you) I think you are doing a good job and I believe that if you get rid of the negative in you, you will find a lot of positive things happen to you. You are a strong independent beautiful mother and you and your daughter deserve the best.

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Amanda - posted on 08/30/2012

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Oh honey. I just wanna give you a hug. I know how it feels to be alone and sad. :( It is an awful feeling. After my ex, who physically and mentally abused me, I was single for over 3 years. I kept me and my daughter holed up in our house and rarely left. I did not want to interact with anyone and just wanted my daughter, 24/7. I finally opened the door. Not literally, but figuratively speaking. I moved out of that hellhole and into a city that opened the door (again) to many possibilities. I moved and got an education and am currently continuing my education at a VERY prestigious public school and will graduate with my Bachelor's in 2014. I may be a bit older (25) but I was 19 when I had my daughter.



Your mother, well, she should have been there for you. I always had unwavering support from my mother. My dad has never been in the picture. But, I am sorry you did not have the support from your parents.



I am glad you have bonded with your daughter and I can tell that you will take the best care of her, but you have to take care of yourself, too!



I fell in love over a year ago, with an amazing guy. He's not perfect, but he is everything that I've ever wanted and someone I've loved for a very long time. :) It will happen. The future has unlimited possibilities, but you have to let them happen.



As far as therapy goes, you DO need to see someone. I sense depression and perhaps anxiety. There are therapies and medication that can help you get better, depending on your age and other factors.



I, for one, see nothing to judge you on. The past is the past and you seem to have left it there. You are making smart decisions as to not involving your daughter with her father until she is of age to choose on her own whether or not she wants that. You can message me and I will give you my contact info if you want to talk.



No judgement. Ever. Stay strong, sweetie.

Loma - posted on 08/21/2012

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First off, you will be fine, hold your head up high and always tell your child you love them EVERYDAY!!! Be patient and understanding, encouraging and most of all loving. LISTEN when it is needed and never judge. Remember what has happened to you and when she gets older explain to her what happened and tell her you trust her to do what is right. If you have set a good example from here on out and try not to worry about every little thing, you will be fine. I raised my son on my own for 21 years. His father was NEVER around. My son doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. He can cook, clean house, wash clothes, take care of a child (not his but my goddaughter's) and he is in his third year of college. He still lives with my while he attends school, he has a job and is very responsible. He goes out with his friends whenever he wants. Even when he was growing up, I did exactly what I told you above and think he has turned alright. I raised him to be a perfect gentleman and I am proud. I know in my heart of hearts that you are going to be a terrific mom and do not, under any circumstance, sell yourself short. I am by no means perfect, I made plenty of mistakes while raising him. I have to say, I did have a wonderful relationship with my parents and they taught me well. But they by no means, pampered me in any way. They taught me to stand on my own two feet. From what I read, you didn't have much of that growing up and I am sorry. No child should EVER have a parent turn their back on you like that. Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are, faults and all. I do not know if you are religious or not, but remembering that there is one person that loves you regardless of what you do and been the best help for me through the years. A little prayer to help you along the way.
http://www.beliefnet.com/Prayers/Protest...
Even if you are not religious, it helps. Hang in there and take one day at a time.

User - posted on 08/16/2012

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Thank you all so much! your posts were very nice & made me feel so much better and honestly so much more content, thanks again (:

Jenny - posted on 08/01/2012

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Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing a great job in realizing your daughter is your everything. You need to remember that you are doing everything you can for your daughter and she will see it and know that you are her rock when she is old enough. Keep plugging away, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders despite your past.

I agree with Sarah, you deserved a mother who really cared. One thing you should be extremely proud of is that you realized how your past hurt you and you do not want to raise your child to feel the same hurt.

Hang in there and always remember that Circle of Moms is a great way to communicate with people who will help you get through anything!

Brandy - posted on 07/30/2012

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Its funny to read your post... I used to stress about the very something... lets just say my mother was less than perfect and passed away when i was 18... I am 30 years old now and had my daughter at 26. I was petrified that I was "ill equipped" to even be a mother. I would stress about it a lot in fact when she was young. I would get the usual encouragement from friends who had already had children(s) But it took one of my closest MALE friends to set my mind at ease... he looked at me one day and said "do you know how I know your going to be an awesome mom?...... because your worried that you won't be" Believe it or not that was kinda all it took one simple statement... Now believe I am no where near perfect and my daughter is only 4.5 years old but I have found strength in myself that i would have never know if she had never come along... She was the greatest gift I have ever received. Period. I Now try very hard to BE the person I want my daughter to be... By the sounds of your post your going to do the very best that you possibly can... sometimes it IS enough.

User - posted on 07/25/2012

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Thank you all! Im happy you all understand and are giving me great advice and @proud mommy im sorry to hear that, I understand alot of what your going through and feel the exact same way about my lo thank you! Im starting to become more content with the situation and have hope and move forward, that's all I can do

Mother Of Pearls - posted on 07/25/2012

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well hun its fine things will work out fine im singe the guy i dated was a married and had 2 kids and i never knew that but when i found out i left him and ended up pregnant he was my first and i cant get over the fact i was so stupid but you know what i moved on i love my lil girl hes not involved in her life but its by choice but shes beautiful and i love her and shes all i have and all i need just have faith and hope and you will find someone this is my moms page but i thought i would write u cause its a similar situation when there old enough to understand and make there own decision then so be it but foe now its up to us to raise strong respectful lovely ladies so hope i was helpful and if u need to talk more just message me again or join my moms circle ok good luck hun

Krista - posted on 07/24/2012

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During the lowest points in our lives, we grow the most. Find a church support group and God will do the rest. Have faith and you will be surprised at what comes your way.

Gina - posted on 07/24/2012

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we all have a past of which we are not proud of but it has made you the woman you are today!! dont be scared...teach her the correct way she will be fine and appreciate you for it in the long run. my daugher is now 13 and she is a very good well rounded female which i am VERY proud of!! she knows of my past history and i am honest about it. she also has a father whom has been in and out of jail...you will do fine!!! be honest and upfront and make sure to advise of the consequences of your actions!!! cheer up this is your daughter this is your life. children live what they learn...always remember that!!

User - posted on 07/21/2012

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Crystal it really did! That's a great way for me to look at the situation. Thanks alot (:

Crystal - posted on 07/19/2012

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Reading this breaks my heart that you feel like its not enough. You are doing a great job, and when she gets older do tell her so that she knows not to make the same misstakes. But please know this children are not dumb. She knows you love her and she will never be able to question that. You have stopped what you use to do and that is wonderful and speaks for itself. I understand the male figure, and all I can say is that when he comes and you get to know him for yourself first, if he is truely a man considering making you his future he will invest in your childs life. She is very blessed to have a mother that cares so much for her. I hope this makes you smile.

Maya - posted on 07/19/2012

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Thank you all, your comments made me feel so much better. I just really need to stop getting discouraged and remember that im capable of doing this! I start college in the fall, and i turn 18 next month so I can put her in daycare & be able to do more things! I also plan on finding one of those groups. Im sure it would help me and potentially help my daughter! Really, thank you all so much, seriously love circleofmoms(:

Arin - posted on 07/19/2012

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Maya - You are a wonderful mother. Don't worry about not being good enough because I guarantee that you are everything to your daughter. In her eyes, you will see everything that you want/need to be. Just keep on loving her and doing your best and she will learn by your example. I already know that you are a strong person to come through all the pain and stress of your life experiences at a such a young age. The fact that you kept your daughter and are striving to provide her a better life shows how much you have grown as a woman from the naive teenager that you were. We all make mistakes in our life. I was 28 when I found out I was pregnant from a man that I thought that I loved and loved me... I don't even have the excuse of the condom breaking. Suffice it to say, I am now a single mom with regrets and moments of depression and anxiety about what I will tell my daughter when the time comes. I believe that the truth is always the best route to take. Being open and honest with your daughter will only bring you closer together. My advice would be to just enjoy every moment with your daughter and don't worry about what you are doing wrong. What worries me about your post is the part that says that you don't go out, don't date, don't have sex... you need to do stuff for yourself every now and then... I work out and occasionally go out with friends. As single moms, our children only have us to look to for an example of how they should be when they grow up (or an example of how not to be in some cases). Live your life as the strong, independent, beautiful woman that you are... lead your daughter to the life that you want for her through your actions. We can't change the past but we can change our actions and hopefully our futures. Keep your head up, sister! Things will get better and who knows maybe she will have a positive male role model in the future. Don't close yourself off to life because of bad decisions you have made in the past. Instead learn from those mistakes and give yourself the opportunity to live the life that you dream of.

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Role models - they are the people around us. As for positive male role models for your daughter - it can be her friend's Dads, male teachers in school, out of school club leaders.

It is worth finding out about Mum and baby/toddler groups local to you and start attending at least one. It will help you socialise, get more friends and boost your self confidence/esteem. Also for yourself look at doing courses that are either free and/or low cost. Again another socialising experience for you, building up your friend group.

My girls' don't have any contact with their Dad. In the last 5 (or so) years they've had about 4.5 months of contact. Me and my ex separated 8 years ago this September. They have my Dad (their Grandpa) as a male role model, as well as the Dads of their friends. Eldest was quite lucky that she was taught by a man in her last year of primary school and now that she's in the secondary school, she has more male teachers - which again is another good source of male role models. As for my younger two, at the moment it's male relatives of friends (Dads, uncles) and the headmaster in the primary school. Also all three have role models (male and female) in a wider circle - friends of mine and also where I do voluntary work.

As for your daughter's Dad, there will have to be a time where she may ask you about him. It is better to be truthful about him and your 'relationship' with him. Remember to keep it factual, but also age/development appropriate for her. It could be worth considering, of writing down some information that you know about him and his family, regardless of how much (or little) you know about them. That way she has the option of when she grows up to find her Dad and his family, if she does decide to try and trace them, then she's got some information about them.

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