Should i ask for child support? Can i get in trouble if i dont?

[deleted account] ( 28 moms have responded )

The father and his family are all complete ass holes the father drinks alot and has done drugs.. im scared to let him be a part of my sons life. He hasnt tried to talk to me since he found out i was pregnant and last i heard he wanted me to have an abortion.. i have alot of support from my family and everything. i dont want his name on the birth certificate and i dont want my son to have his last name.. if i die or something happens to me i do not want this guy having custody of my baby. but if i just ignore him is their any trouble i can get in for not letting him know when his son is born if by any chance he wanted to know? or if he comes after me?

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[deleted account]

Well your story sounds pretty scary, it's just like mine!! My daughter's father, or as I call him, the "sperm donor" is not involved. He knows of her but has no involvement. In a moment of weakness I called him to tell him she was born. Which was dumb of me. But as for Birth certificates, and anything else, he is not named. I spoke with my lawyer and you would not get into trouble. I made sure though, that any money, legal papers, such as a Will specifically say my parents and my brother have custody. As well, I wrote a letter stating his drug and alcohol abuse for a Lawyer if he chose to fight anything. Hope this helps. You have to do what is right for your child, don't feel guilty, you are keeping him safe. :)

Malinda - posted on 03/30/2009

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Just some background info:

I'm 40 years old, have 4 children: 19 y/o, down to a 10 y/o, married to the first twos father. And not married to the second two. I've paid Ch Supp, and had Ch Supp paid, and am owed thousand in arrears. I also have the name on the Birth Cert, w/out the biologicals last name, and don't have the name on one of them w/ biologicals last name listed.



First: let me say Child Support isn't a determining factor in whether or not an absent parent can have visitation or not. The court will not relinquish a parents visitation rights just because they don't pay child support, they will frown upon a deadbeat mother/dad, but they won't stop visitation for it. Second, just because it's claimed (please don't take this wrong) a parent does drugs and drinks alcohol will not determine if a parent has supervised visits or not. If you claim that a parent does these things you'll need proof in court (ex: police records, jail time). It's their word against yours. Please don't listen to anyone that tells you that it's your child your say. That's not the case. It's the courts say in visitation matters. That being said back to your question:



First, I'd listen very much to what Rachael Lawerentz wrote, she pretty much knows what she's talking about. Your first step to take to protect your child is to file for custody as soon as you get home from the hospital. This can be done by downloading the files directly from the court in your state. You don't even have to go to the court to get them, and if needed request that the filing fee be waived. You can also request an emergency hearing. If you have ANY thought whatsoever that the father might take your child, DO NOT let him have visitation unsupervised, until you have a Signed JUDGES order giving you legal body custody. Not a Magistrate signed copy. There is a difference.



Also, don't go with the notion that if he should take your child that the cops will intervene. This is NOT the case. The police will not intervene in a domestic (custody) issue. They will tell you this is a court issue.



As for the birth certificate, you don't need to list him as the father. That's a personal choice only you can make. I didn't with my youngest son, and I'm glad he has my last name. It would tick me off knowing he had has dad's name and I'm solely raising him. As for my daughter, it hurts looking at her certificate and seeing "NOT STATED" in the place of the fathers name knowing she has a wonderful relationship with her dad. Just know that when your child is older and they need a copy of their certificate it'll have to be explained. If you have a close relationship with your child, then this won't be a problem.



As for you letting him visit, if he wants to and you don't want him to: well that's court determined but after awhile (my son is 13 now) and his dad doesn't come on a reg. basis, that's pretty much your call. If he's not visiting regularly, then I highly doubt that he's going to haul you to court for a reworking of the court agreement.



Lastly (sorry this has been really long), as someone else noted, if you receive any assistance from the state, they will automatically go after the father for Ch Supp. Whether his name is on the cert or not. The only way they won't is if you have "Good Cause", and you need to make sure it's a good one (such as proof of domestic violence).

Mariza L. - posted on 03/20/2009

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Legally a child born without the parents being married  doesn't have a legal father.  Unitl the father signs the Declaration of Paternity at the hospital or later in front of a notary or hospital representative you are under no obligation to have his name placed in the birth certificate.  I'm going throuh a similar situation.  I had my son in December 2008 and the father didn't want to show-up or even acknowledge our son, so as of yet my son only has my info on his birth certificate, but I gave him his father's name, and am currently trying to seek child support.  See until his name is legally placed on the certificate after establishing paternity, you are the only legal parent to your child.  The father will have no rights until paternity is extablished through the courts.  You baby's father would have to petition to have paternity established and until he does that then your child is your sole responsibilty.  See in my case, the father is trying to dodge child support, so I've already filed the paperwork with the child support services to have paternity established and then child support next.  Remember without his signature on the Declaraction of Paternity, you are under no obligation to the father to give him his last name, he would have to try and go through the court to see your child, and "no" you will not get in trouble for not placing his name anywhere on your son's documents.  He would have to make the effort to try and gain access to your son through the child support services or custody departments, and if you don't tell him anything, then you're good to go.

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Bonnie - posted on 03/07/2012

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Honestly just stay away from him in regards to your child. You dont want ur child seeing them drink. You wont have to share your child or anything. The money in child support isnt worth it. Id rather have my son 365 days a year then listen tonhis dad bitch that he pays me "a mortgage payment". Because his shitty life that he chose is all my fault. I read one of the replies and the said thats what god parents are for. That is absolutely false. That is an old saying. God parents are to guide your child thru life w religious views and other ways in life. Make a will up asap. Especially to protect ur child. If u choose to put ur parents take there age into concideration. My uncles 56 widowedand know has full lega custody of his 4 grand kids all under 9yo. You have a lot to concider. Good luck hun best wishes

Bonnie - posted on 03/07/2012

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Honestly just stay away from him in regards to your child. You dont want ur child seeing them drink. You wont have to share your child or anything. The money in child support isnt worth it. Id rather have my son 365 days a year then listen tonhis dad bitch that he pays me "a mortgage payment". Because his shitty life that he chose is all my fault. I read one of the replies and the said thats what god parents are for. That is absolutely false. That is an old saying. God parents are to guide your child thru life w religious views and other ways in life. Make a will up asap. Especially to protect ur child. If u choose to put ur parents take there age into concideration. My uncles 56 widowedand know has full lega custody of his 4 grand kids all under 9yo. You have a lot to concider. Good luck hun best wishes

Jessie - posted on 08/12/2011

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You must get a paternity test OR the father has to sign paternity papers to get child support. I went through it with my daughter. Yet, I've raised her for 12 years without him, with the help of my mother, so I don't think he really has any rights. He would have to go to court just for visitation, but he hasn't. My daughter still has MY last name, by the way. I'm not giving her the last name of someone who is a stranger to her.

Kelly - posted on 08/01/2011

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If this were me I would not tell him, nor would I give my child his last name. I would go without child support to keep my child safe. Your family is there for you. Thats all you and your child need. If he comes after you call 911, then get a PPO. All the police will tell him is this is a civil matter take it up with the court. Then he has to prove himself and pay for it. You will not be in any trouble

Patricia - posted on 06/27/2011

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i think it's time to try to get all his parental rights removed. that way you don't have to deal w him, the law can. you have to protect yourself! your child won't have a mother either if you put yourself in danger. although we are the victim of abuse there r certain issues we need to discover before we can stop that cycle like being "attracted to the bad boys." lol! lots of luck and mom's love...

[deleted account]

There is nothing he can do to you if you do not name him. It is your choice.. If you choose to you can go into court b4 the child is born and have him proven unfit and have a court ordered drug and alchol test preformed and child support ordered. The baby does not have to have him listed as the father. However this has reprecusions. ie... He can fight to be named as the father once proven to be his,if he still pops positive and we all know he will after the baby is born the court will terminate all of his perental rights. Choose carefully how you choose to listen to others advise and consult a lawyer from your town to get all your legal rights. Good Luck

Michelle - posted on 03/28/2009

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absolutely not my sons father wanted the same thing my son is now 3 years old we dont talk at all his name is on nothing if it is it limits ur ability to do things for example go on vacation w/ out notifying him getting a passport and if u want to leave the state like move u cannot go unless the court allows u too so leave his a@@ alone and keep his name off the birth certificate and dont go for child support you'll lose more money taking off of work i hoped i helped if u need anything else ill be more than willing to help

Bec - posted on 03/28/2009

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the father of my child and his family were exactly the same i put his name on the birth certificate and asked for child support i havnt seen 5 cents he wants to see his son but i refuse as he will not support him and i really dont want him around my child. i regret putting his name on the birth crertificate as i need his permission to change his surname which he will not do. or to get a passport to take overseas and other stuff as well. my advice is dont put him on the birth certificate and if he wants to be part of the childs life which it sounds like he wont then he has to pay for a blood test he then gets recorded as the father and has to pay child support. u dont get in trouble u just say u wernt sure i really dont believe he will be bothered to fight u for anything

Heather - posted on 03/28/2009

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your first step is to get full custody. I didn't do it right away and now i am going through it. i don't get child support because it isn't worth my time. i've done it this long without him...i don't need his petty money. and i don't want him to be able to see my son. getting custody isn't hard. especially if he doesnt want anything to do with your child. it's hard. believe me i feel ya. and it gets harder before it gets easier but that baby gives you soo much strength you don't even realize you had. good luck!!

Kirsty - posted on 03/27/2009

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My son is now 2 and i never put the fathers details on the birth ceritifcate.



i wrote and signed at stat dec to say i didnt know who the father was.



my x is the same- too hell bent on doing drugs and booze for the rest of his life-he has just had a 4th child with his current partner and is still around for this child-mind u 2 out of the 4 he has ZERO to do with-if u dont provide details who is gonna know?
jyour son is better off without him in his life-its a hard sit but ive been there and done that-my x left when i was 3mnths pregs, hes only ever asked once about the baby-he knows i have a son, has no idea how old he is or even his name-we shate mututal friends and hes only ever once asked "does the baby look like me?" he doesnt care and he never will, you gotta do whats right by your child-if nothings written in black and white then he has NO grounds to stand on!!





Paula - posted on 03/23/2009

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let me start by saying i have been there. i wish i could say it is easy, but I am a christian and won't lie. about 14 years ago i had a son with my at the time husband. he was a drinker and also a jerk, but i thought i loved him..eeww... well my very wise mother told me to forget him and to not even put him an the birth certificate. well...i didn't listen and really wished i would have. we went through a living hell for years! he would jump in and out of his life, he would see him then go 7-8 months without seeing him. he talked horribly around him and his wife tried to take over...changing the medication that the doctor had put him on and everything. i had to go to my attorney more times than i wanted to. well the final straw was when i told him that my son needed braces. he said that he would not pay for them....by this time my son didn't want to go on visits with him. he was 12 and was tired of being lied to and sick of the way they talked and they are also not very clean and my son is use to clean things. well anyway. my sons :father"...well step-mom wrote a letter to the judge and asked to give up all parental rights to my precious son......who just turned 13 when his "dad: did this. Well it has now been 15 months since my son has seen him....he don't even send him a birthday card or Christmas card. but i will tell you this......my son is better off and i wish i would have listened to my mom years ago...it would have saved alot of tears and heartache. God Bless you and i hope everything works out for you.
if you ask for child support, he has the right to visits...unless he will pay and agree to no contact, but in the cases i know of, the men won't give their money without something in return. pray about it and then go from there. think about you and your sons future and how much you can handle.i would have rather have had a peaceful like then to ever have had to go through all that all those years.

Amanda - posted on 03/23/2009

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I just put "Info Not Provided" in the "father's information" spaces of the Birth Registration forms.  If you are worried he will try to get custody/access to the infant once he's born, contact Legal Aid and file for sole custody asap.  Be sure you are able to prove he would not make sound decisions and is disinterested in being a father, though, in preparation for the filing.

Jen - posted on 03/22/2009

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If he's not interested, and in order to really keep him away from your child, you can have him sign a waiver of parental rights. This will legally absolve him from any responsibility for your child- in ANY way- and protect your rights as well.

Dagne - posted on 03/21/2009

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Actually this all depends on you.  You are not abligated to tell a 'father' that he has a child.  You can decide if you want child support.  In my case, I did not get child support and now that my sone is 19 1/2 years old, I am so glad I did not go after the support.  It is a very personal decision.  The support does not make a man a 'father', and it also opens you up to having to let visits occur etc...   will you want all of that?  I'll be praying as you make your decision.

Daphne - posted on 03/21/2009

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Here's another thing to think about. You can name him on the birth certificate, make sure that there is a paternity test in place, establish custody in court and make sure that you have full legal and physical custody and that he has only closely supervised visits under your conditions. You can do this relatively easily through a custody pro se action at the court house. You explain why you don't want him to have contact and have this documented legally.

Then, you establish child support. Your child is entitled to monetary support from the jerk even if he won't provide physical or emotional support.

Make sure you have a will (and a power of attorney document) in place and that you name someone specifically to assume legal guardianship and take custody of your child if something happens to you. It's better if it is an established couple that you name because the court will consider them over a single, unstable and uninterested father most times.They want stability for a child.

Make sure you document any attempts at contact that he makes and when he doesn't pay his child support (which he probably won't), this supports your case for him not having custody. Who knows, he may actually develop some responsibility and do the right thing though.

If he makes any inappropriate contact with you or your son, you call the police and get a PFA.

You can get legal help though legal aid programs in your area if you are hurting for money and I really think that you should consider making sure that everything is legally covered. If you don't, he could make things miserable later.

[deleted account]

no you wont get in to trouble, you dont have to tell anyone his name if you dont want to.



i had my girl 9 years ago the csa have only just got him to help pay

Jane - posted on 03/20/2009

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I am in a similar situation...I actually do not want child support, but because I am getting aid through the state, the STATE is going after him for child support.  If you go the route of applying for any type of state aid, be aware that your benefits can/will be reduced or dropped if you do not cooperate with the child support agency.  The exception to this is if going after him for support puts either you or the child in jeopardy (you have to provide compelling evidence to this, however,) then child support won't be actively sought.  In what you describe above, you could have a case for that.  But Bridget, know that child support is a RIGHT for your child...that is why I'm going forward with pursuing it, even though I could care less about getting anything from my child's father.  One other thing to consider is going ahead and having your baby's father's name ON the birth certificate in the event that if something happens to the father, you will be able to get survivor benefits through social security for your child.  The state I live in does not allow the father's name on the birth certificate because we weren't married and he did not declare paternity.  I am having to go through channels to rectify that for not only the reason of social security benefits, but because my son deserves to have his father on his birth certificate, even if his father doesn't deserve to have my son in his life.  Good luck to you, and enjoy every precious minute with your baby : )

April - posted on 03/20/2009

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The responses all seem to be based on the US and it's not that much different north of the border.



I have 2 children and neither has a father mentioned on their birth certificate because the father has to be there to fill it out.  The mother is not allowed to fill in the father's info.  Unfortunately, a few years after I had my daughter I found out that if her father found out I had left the province with her he could have me chatged with kidnapping because I didn't have his permission.  He has never seen her... has never tried to contact her, but I still need to have his permission to leave the city.  I can't even get her a social insurance number without his signature.  Why?  Because I was told that although I gave birth to her & raised her... I did not have custody of her.  I was shocked!!



 As for child support... it's not tied to custody or visitation rights.  However, if you access a gov't program like daycare subsidy then the gov't automatically goes after him.



When my son was born I had learnt my lesson and applied for custody the moment I was able to walk after giving birth!  However, because I was reasonable and granted him limited access the judge granted me full custody.  Does he take advantage of his access?  Not at all.



Consider applying for full custody to protect your rights and your children.

Natasha - posted on 03/20/2009

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everything is going to be all right you would not get into any trouble.My daughter's father is not in her life and she is doing just fine because i have the support and love of my family. his name is not on her birth certificate, my daughter is 5 now and she is doing fine she knows about him but he choose to stay out of her life so it is his lost because i met someone else that adores her and is a father to her in every way.good luck in whatever you choose to do but first and formost follow your heart.



 

Lynda - posted on 03/19/2009

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What a familiar perdicament. He doesn't sound like anyone that u should want your child around wether he's the father or not. First of all, u can't get into any trouble at all for not letting him know when the baby is born or anything else concerning the child. His name does not have to be on the birth certificate, and u certainly do not have to give your son this man's last name. If your worried about what will happen if something should happen to u, make out a will ASAP saying that sole custody of the child will go to whomever u choose. It doesn't even have to be a relative, that's what God parents r for. If he wants anything to do with the child he will have to take matters into his own hands and that will cost him money that I'm betting he's not willing to part with. U may even be able to get him to sign away all rights to your son. The only draw back to that is that u will not be entitled to support. I guess it all just depends on how badly u need the money and how much u hate this prick. Goodluck! Been there, done that.....

[deleted account]

You wouldnt get into trouble at all by not letting him know when your son is born or anthing. if he hasnt been there for you throughout your pregnancy i can pretty much garentee you that he wont be there at all, and if he is into t he drugs and alcohol theres a very very slim chance that he's gonna quit.  
I was kinda in that same situation when i was pregnant.  the father of my daughter is a druggie and a boozer, and he told me time and time again that he was gonna change and make himself better for my daughter.. but that still has yet to happen, and she is 2 now.  i stayed with him until she was about 9 months old, and then i just got sick of it of everything, the drugs, him not calling for days on end, and it got to the point where he didnt even ask about her, so i said screw it and left.  he didnt help me out when we were together so it wasnt that much difference when i left.
anyways, i havent seen a cent from him at all throughout my pregnancy and even now. i was debating if i wanted to take him to court for child support and stuff but they said they would only make him give me like 100$ a month, which in my opinion wasnt worth the stress and everything. so i didnt. and i dont need him.  we dont need his money or him or anything.  His family is still around, but hes not. 
hmm i'm pretty sure that here that if his name is on the birth certificate and or hes giving you child support that he can try to get some kind of custody, dont quote me on that but i believe that thats what it is here.  so if you really dont want nothing to do with him, just dont put his name on anything, dont do anything that has anything to do with him. you said that  you have lots of support from your family and everything, and i mean thats all that you need in the end, their gonna be the ones that are gonna be there no matter what. believe me i was a single mom going thru all this when i was 18.  if you need to talk about anything you can always message me... take care.

Rachael - posted on 03/19/2009

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You wont get in trouble for anything. But if you are on any form of state aide the agencies will go after him for up to 90% of the medical expenses, he doesnt need to be named on the Birth Certificate either for this to happen. If i were you I would honestly put together a type of Last will and testement of sorts so that if anything does happen to you, your childs best interests are taken care of. I am in the military and not married i have a daughter and i have it all written out what should happen to my children in the event something happens to me. my daughters dad left us for drugs and alcohol when i was 3 months pregnant (she is now 10years old). so i can understand where you are coming from. At the moment you can have a GAL (guardian at litem) assigned when the child is born. this would be a person that looks out for the best interest of the child. also go to child support and make him help you pay for the baby. he is responsible for 1/2 the medical expenses and will need to carry medical/dental insurance for the child. even has to help pay for the daycare that your child will need.  you can ask the judge for sole custody sole placement for the child because of drug and alcohol abuse on the fathers side. or you can ask for a termination of all parental rights (this would mean you are not able to collect child support). it is a lot to think about and if you have any other questions i would love to help. just remember you can do anything you want to in life!!! i put myself  through school ( i graduated with a masters in Nursing and Forensic Criminology in 2006), have a strong military career and raised my daughter on my own.  keep your head up and stay positive!!!



 

User - posted on 03/19/2009

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Its not up to you to call him  when your son is borne.. if he want to be part of his sons life he has to make the effort and find out what is going on and he MUST support you and provide you with what you need for when the baby arives .. If he does call and ask to see his son then all you need to do is call Child services and get them involved, let them know what an A@@ he is and they will make thing easer for you trust me i did it and it makes me feel so safe knowing they will be at my door in seconds if my ex tries anything crazy. But you will have to get a lawyer as well so that you can get child support, it is your child’s right to have support form both parents , go see legal aid they will get you a lawyer for free, but you will have to wait till you have the child first before applying.



Hope that helps i know what your going through i have the same problem havent seen a penny from my ex.

Ida - posted on 03/19/2009

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iam a single parent of 3 girls and there father's names are on the birth certificates and if something wa to happen to me they would go to my parents they dont come and see there children i do get child support i do have full custody of them and i do not allow there dead beat dads see them due to the same the drugs and drinking so i know how you feel alone and scared but you would have all the say so so it is all up to you in what you would want to do

User - posted on 03/19/2009

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Ah my darling what a pickle, never be scared of doing the right thing.



I have just contacted the CSA for my daughter if you know he is working they will help you if he is not working it could be hard on you but to contact the Child Surport Agencie they can give you all the information you may need with out him being a part of you sons life if he is not no the birth certificate you have all rights and what you say goes.



If you know there are drugs involed you as a mother and a good 1 know your child can not be around this enviroment. and that is why you wont let him see him without supervied visits.but if he starts to pay for him after blood test to confirm for csa reasons he would be intitled to see him but under your terms take no pressure it's yours and your baby that matter.



but personally a man that has not stepped forward when he knew everything you must have gone though and money is not everything to a child



 



CSA number 0845 713 3133 if your ready be brave it takes two too



 



Good luck let me know how you get on x



Tracey xx



 



but for the record csa were very helpful i now get 15% of his wages and he sees my daughter every 2 weeks supervised i hate it  but i know its the right thing to do. but he didn't run away at the start he beat me infront of my daughter and i had to leave and i contacted the csa a year later and i regret not doing it sooner the money helps me so much but it's your choice YOURS x

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