Should I break the news to my son's father parent that they have a grandchild?

Vilavanh - posted on 03/20/2010 ( 44 moms have responded )

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My son is about eight months old and his father's parent does not know he exist. As a mother I want to give my son the opportunity to know his family and if they choose not to know him then I know I did my parent as a mother. The problem is they do not know me. They do not know that he have a child. My son's father does not want him to know is grandparent at all. He think paying child support is fair enough for a child he don't want after he found a new girlfriend now his wife.

What should I do? Should I tell them and accept whatever is going to happen? Should I let it go? If I tell them, how should I approach them with them.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I had the same problem and so glad you started this conversation. Unlike your situation, I am still pregnant and the father of my son (& my ex fiancée) left us via telephone in November a month before we were due to get married. I was shocked and devastated as I didn't plan on having children or getting married and I changed all that for him. His father is a minister for the NG Kerk and he was not told about the pregnancy. I think my fiancée wanted to marry me as soon as possible so that he didn't have to tell his father. I refused to get married until his father knew as I wasn't going to deprive my family by getting a shotgun wedding and having them lie to his family at the wedding about my pregnancy. So I guess around November he decided that telling his father was not an option. It was my father who then did some research to find his dad. So we scoured the internet for days trying to track down his father. My dad decided it was best for him to contact my ex's father to let him know so that I wouldn't have to go through the stress. His father has now coming to my hometown with my ex for the birth of our son. He wants paternity tests done before anything else gets decided. However, since we contacted his father my ex has stopped all communication with me and now only speaks to my father. I am not happy about that as we need to communicate for our son's sake but now his family know and he has to take account of his decisions.

The father of your son can't just wish away a child and keep it like a 'dirty little secret'. He deserves more than that and as his mother you need to rally in support from your family and at least when your son is older he knows you had his corner and tried your very best for him. At the end of the day your son is THE most important thing right now. You can't change his father's attitude but you can at least be satisfied that you did everything in your power to support your son. This will count towards how your son will feel about himself in the future.

Kekua - posted on 03/20/2010

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I think they have a right to know and your child has a right to the opportunity of having a relationship with them.

I would tell them I am Vilavanh. Your son and I used to be together and we had a child. He does not want to be a part and I'm ok with that but I want to give my son a chance to know his grandparents. I would like to meet you and introduce you to my son, your grandson.

Sacha - posted on 03/24/2010

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I am in the exact same situation. My son is 10 weeks old and his paternal family had no clue he even existed. I read this thread and it gave me the courage to contact his auntie. That was two days ago. Not only did she respond but she told my son's grandparents about him and now the ball is rolling. My son is a person and he deserves respect, I will NOT raise him as someone's dirty little secret. Everything is out in the open now and I am waiting for my baby's dad to call to me.... I'm not going to lie, I still feel sick to my stomach with nerves but I am so happy I did this. Thanks to everyone who posted, it really helped me out as well! Good luck!

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44 Comments

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Kate - posted on 09/06/2011

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you may not have too, they might already know about him from gossip they heard. what they may not know is if the child is actually their sons or not, Go for a paternity test agianst the father, that proof will show the parents for sure they are grandparents, most don't want to accept a baby until they see those test results. except in my case...my daughter will be adopted by the man she calls daddy and his parents are aware she isn't his but love her anyway.

Jackie - posted on 09/01/2011

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my parents say being grandparents is the best part about having kids tell them!! write them a letter explaining that u would like them to no ur son! then its their choice n like u said u done ur part and make sure that u keep a copy of the letter so in a few years he can read it n understand that u tried! good luck!

Maricelis - posted on 08/27/2011

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That's a tough decision to make. on the one hand they could accept him openly from the get go and on the other hand they can deny him and be complete asses about it all. If you do decide on taking the chance and tell them then you need to be prepared for whatever comes good or bad.
wish you the best.

Vilavanh - posted on 03/28/2010

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After talking to my son grandparent I felt really relieved to know I did my best for my son and do not care if their going to judge me wrongly. I know myself that I am a good person, if a person is going to judge you their going to judge you regardless. My son is a person not a secret shameless item to be keeping him a secret. I should have the courage to do this sooner instead of waiting for nearly a year to tell them.

Elisabeth - posted on 03/28/2010

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I think it's only fair to them to let them know. My daughter's father was so angry with me when I told his parents but it's not up to the father to decide. maybe his parents will be so excited to have a grandchild but of course they could be upset. the point is to tell them before it's too late and let them enjoy their grandson if they want to. I probably approached my ex's parents in the wrong way by calling and telling them. they weren't too happy. but after a while they got used to the idea. It will be hard on them but hopefully for your son's sake they mello out and accept him. He is their grandchild

Lisa - posted on 03/27/2010

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My 17 year old daughter is in a similar situation. I did send the g parents on the other side a letter and an email and they told us that they do not want anything to do with this child and that we can expect little help from their son as he will be in University for several years. I think that the father does want to be involved but is listening to what his parents are saying. These are educated people too Mom is a nurse and dad is a high school teacher. We are going for paternity and child support however little it will be because he should be responsible for his actions....I doubt that in my daughters case they will come around so I wish you luck with your situation

Melyssa - posted on 03/27/2010

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If the family did not even know you and the father of your son is asking for you both to stay out of the picture I would honor that request. You are fortunate enough that he is paying child support. Bringing the attention to a baby that the family is unaware of could and would bring forth alot of negative feelings and possibly annimosity since they do not know you. I know you want your son to know his family. But "family" is not always defined through blood relations.

Nicole - posted on 03/27/2010

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TELL! They will probably love your child. Grandparents are important. Just call them & say, I have an 8 month old son. His father is your son. He pays child support but has informed me that you don't know that you have a grandchild. I think it's important for my son to know his grandparents. Would you like to meet him? Invite them to your place. If they have a bad reaction or deny it just say, well thank you for your time. I guess your son is right, child support has to be enough. Even if they don't want to be involved now, you have opened the door & are the bigger person for not getting all ghetto on them. Just focus on your son. Men like that are losers.

Vilavanh - posted on 03/26/2010

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I talked to my son grandfather today,he and his wife will give me and answer in a couple of weeks. I understand that they are digest things in right now and all a I could do now is wait. I am not expecting a good news though but I did try my best.

Carla - posted on 03/25/2010

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Hi, I am sort of in a similar position. What you need to ask yourself, is when your son grows up and the questions starts, what will you answer him if he asks you what did you do about it? My son's therapist (he has underdeveloped muscle tone) told me that the best to do is write a letter, or email, telling them that you would like them (grandparents and to father) to have an active part in your son's life as it is an extension to their family. If they do not respond, then so be it. But at least you can tell your son one day that you tried to build a bridge of friendship towards his grandparents and father, but that they were not forthcoming. You do not want your child ending up recenting you for not trying. Keep a copy of the correspondence, because, believe you me, it will come up. My son is turning 4 in June and I have just been through it. I could show him that daddy is not willing to be a part of his life and that daddy's parents does not want to either. He was a bit upset, but in the end he knows that I love him twice as much, as a mother/father all in one. Think about it. Good luck.

Amina - posted on 03/25/2010

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I think that u should give the grandparents a chance to see. Especially since they aren't aware. If they want a relationship go for it. If not forget them. At least u gave them an opportunity. If they reject this then that is their calling.

Vilavanh - posted on 03/25/2010

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Thanks you guys for all the support and options it really help me. So I wrote a letter to my son's grandparent explaining to that their son and I are no longer together and we had a child together. So now I am just waiting on their responds, if I do not hear back them by next week I am going to call them and talk to them.

Anita - posted on 03/25/2010

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Hi Vilavanh.

What a tricky question, has it's benefits and cons at the same time.

For your sons sake I think its a great idea, I would think it would be better coming from the father, not someone they don't know. The father seems to have no responsibility for his actions, other then pay child support, for a child that he obviously doesn't want to know or take responsibility for.

I think maybe if you wrote a letter to the parents and enclosed a photo and explain that they have a grandson, and they you and their son are no longer together, and inform that that you know that they are unaware that they have a grandson. Maybe in close that you don't expect them to financially help support their grandson, but think it would be important that they and your son had the chance to meet and later form a relationship. I think this way would be better and wouldn't be much as a shock if you contacted them by phone or person and put them on the spot . And that would give them the time to think things over and decide weather they want to get to know their grandson. If not then things stay the same as they are now and you gave them that opportuinty. Maybe another good thing would be to send the father a letter also that you will be informing him parents of you actions and maybe post it a day later, other then his parents calling him and then he call you and cause an almighty unnecessary argument. As he could feel threatened And just make it noted that this is about your son, regardless of your past.

The father may and will be annoyed by your actions but what can he do? Your the one who is thinking about your child's future not him
He may not pay child support, In that case get a lawyer and proceed from there on. He dose not have to have contact with the child, not that he has now and can continue to live with his wife.
In the process when your son gets to the age and is asking questions like, where is my daddy, the other kids at school have daddy's and staying over at grandparents houses etc. That's going to be one hard talk you will have with your son, but eventually as he grows up and understands that you have been their for him all his life and raised him the best you could without a male supportive figure in his life, he will appreciate it. maybe not right away but eventually.


I really hope that your son gets the chance to meet his grandparents and that they are will ing to accept him into their family.

Best of luck --

Helen - posted on 03/25/2010

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when i had my first child the babys grandad did not know about her intill she was 3 months old, babys father was to much of a corward to tell him, he only found out down the pub when a mutual friend asked him what it was like being a grandad! ,he was hurt and upset that he mist out on so much of her life, and he is a great grandad now and if i could go back i would have told him myself at lot sooner.
whats the worse that could happen if you just send him a photo with your name and address on the back?

Rachel - posted on 03/25/2010

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I would definitely tell them. No hesitation. I am the type of person to keep my mouth shut when it's none of my business. Well - I'm a mother, and I can't help but put my 2 cents in where maybe it's NOT needed.

However, I was pregnant at one point, and unfortunately had a miscarriage, but I was planning on tell the baby's grandmother on his side. That's not my place, but I know a little boy whom for 8 years never knew Daddy actually had a family!

EIGHT YEARS. One day when he did meet his grandparents; they were so upset with their son and it probably made the 8 yr old feel bad. It's hard for children to not take things personally, and when their world is shaken up but the unexpected it stays with them forever.

I simply think that is not fair. It is not about you, or the mom, or your son. It's about the little babe. They need an advocate more than anyone.

Hope this helps!

Tina - posted on 03/25/2010

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I think they have a right to no too it totaly up to them to decide if they want to have any part of your babies life if they dnt want to no then really it their lose not urs. men like give others a bad name if he didnt want kids then he sud ave worn something it just a shame for ur child to have to grow up with a father not wanting to know him! as thye say anyne can be a father but it takes someone special to be a daddy.x.x. hope you get something sorted soon.x.

Marion - posted on 03/25/2010

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the only thing the dad holds over your head is child support and the courts will help u with that.u already have a gut feeling the right thing to do is tell them and follow it i did the grand parents have never seen their grand parents and don't want to know about her but they know she exists funny every thime they see me they hide;0)

Evelyn - posted on 03/25/2010

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First have proof to show them as in did you submit to a paternity test? Did the father sign the birth certificate of sign an acknowledgement of paternity? The father is trying to hide something. All I can say is do a background check first on the grandparent. If all is good, then contact them and let them know all the facts pertaining to your child only. From there all you can do is show your proof and give them the contact info. and the ball is in their court. If goes well see how much they want to be a part of the child's life, one mistake many young mothers make is letting the child stay with new gparents, do not do this. Wait quite a while until you really know these people.

Linda - posted on 03/24/2010

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Well I agree with everyone else on here. We all agree that you should tell his grandparents about him. By the sounds of it, you do not have a good relationship with his Father, so I would not be worried about "hurting his feelings". By all rights this is his first born child and also his parents first born child by him, so that is an special thing to a grandparent. If you know their address I would send them a registered letter ( to ensure they recieve it) and include a picture of your son to show them what a beautiful child he is and explain that you felt it was their right to know he existed and to give them the oppertunity to get to know him. If they choose to great, if not - well you tried. Good luck....

Maria - posted on 03/24/2010

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Yes, tell them. Your child has every right to know who is family is. If the father wants no part of your child, then that is the father's loss. You can't stop to think about what the father wants. Your child comes first ALWAYS. If the father gets upset, oh well tough cookies. Do not deprive your child of the love of grandparents. Now if they choose not to be involved, then at least you would have made the effort. If that is the case, just ALWAYS reassure your child each and everyday that they are loved.

Maria - posted on 03/24/2010

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I think that you should tell them, just because he doesn't to be involved does not mean he can make that decision for the childs grandparents. He deserves to know his family.

Jessica - posted on 03/24/2010

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don't open a can of worms. if i could go back, i would have left my, now ex, husband and never told him i was pregnant. if you contact them, they might talk your ex into getting custody. please, just be careful what you wish for....

Jessica - posted on 03/24/2010

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I am in the same boat as you almost... his parents know about me but do not know that I am about to have a baby. When the baby is born I am going to write them a letter and send pictures. It will then be up to them to make that choice. I know the babys father is going to be pissed about that idea but he needs to grow up.

Holly - posted on 03/24/2010

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Its a complicated decision. It depends on if you are planning on finding someone else to fill your baby daddy shoes. I am. I dont want my daughter involved with her father at all ( long and complicated) so in my case it would be a no.

[deleted account]

I think they have a right to know there grandchild, in my case my daughters father isnt really around but his mother takes her almost every other weekend. And if they choose not to be there than like you said, you did your part as the mother. If the grandparents choose to be there thats great i think a child deserves to know exactly where they come from and who loves them. Just because his parents may choose to be around does not mean that he has too. I think you should just call/email them and say hey i have a baby with "so and so" and i just felt the need as a mother to let you know. Hope this helped.

Susan - posted on 03/24/2010

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He made his bed now let him lie in it.Let them know weather he like it or not.He's not a Man he's a BOY,he need to grow up and take care of his responsibility.I was in the same situation but it turned out well after about 6 months.I pray that things work out well for you.God bless and keep loving your child. :)

Bridgette - posted on 03/23/2010

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Yes this baby should know his grandparents outside of what the father says or has done. They deserve the right to know him just as he deserves the right to know them. This is a child that has done nothing to anybody and he needs to be loved by everybody that helped him to get here!!! Let them know!!! Let the choice be theirs if they want to be involved

[deleted account]

i was in your situation. i wanted the best for my son. ifinally realized what a jerk his dad was and i wrote them a letter. his mom called me and things were really good for awhile. but every new marriage or child he makes put them in the middle. my son is now 14 , his dads on his 4th marriage at least, and after feeling put in the middle for so long, they have baacked out of his life. so just be sure before you do it. explain to them if their wanting to be there its 100%. my son doesnt understand why they arent and wonders if hes worth being loved.best of luck!!

[deleted account]

Vilavanh,

I had a similar worry. As I mentioned my ex's father is a Minister and not only is he reserved but a respected member of his community and this could really tarnish his reputation if became known his son got a girl pregnant outside of wedlock (even though we were engaged). For me, I didn't really know how to explain via telephone as I feared I would get really emotional. I know that no matter how I put it, it would be a shock for him and he would need time to digest this information. So my dad and I opted for an email. Also I am not sure about their religious views so take this into consideration when deciding on how to write your letter.

I would suggest if you decide to send a letter or email keep it short and sweet and to the point. Don't bring in any personal resentment you have towards their son in the communication, but let them know that you feel it is the right thing to let them know about their grandson and have them make the decision about whether they want a relationship with him or not. Be prepared for both a positive and a negative reply to your letter.

With regards to your ex, I wouldn't worry about him or his new family. At the end of the day he has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with you or his son. Trying to get him to care is not going to happen but if you are financially in need, I would suggest getting maintenance from him.

Vilavanh - posted on 03/22/2010

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Thanks Julie and everyone for the comments. I really appreciate it from everyone and to hear yours story.....I will keep everyone update of my situation...You know this is the only place I could actually talk to people because my families does not understand, how much I want my son to get every opportunity that I could give him. Even a little chance to know his father's side of the family.

Julie - posted on 03/22/2010

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Well 1st off, get whatever you can out of him financially, and mentally for the child! As for the g-parents, screw your ex, that child and his g-parents deserve to have the joy of a grandchild in thier life. Your ex sounds like an ass. I've had quite a few of those bad choices in my life, but I do what I can as a single mom with 2 boys. Family is soo important (tell them that,) your ex just doesn't want the drama around his new woman. He laid down too, and he should be proud of his child, no matter what. Im sure his p's would be devistated to find out thier son doesn't want them to know. Put it on his ass. Make him look like the pathetic creature he and many others are. Good luck hun!

Vilavanh - posted on 03/22/2010

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Jeanine, my son's father started being a jerk when he found someone else he truly care about in the city that he went for work, Easton, PA. I found out that he was going to move to Easton, PA and he have a new girlfriend via text message about a month and half before I gave birth. He did not contact me about his son at all because I JUST found out she gave birth through a birth announcement from his HR that someone post on my father's lock at his workplace.
Since the time he meet his now wife, he been communicating with me only through email and since October he cut all contact off with me and his son. He won't even give me his home number because he is scare of the "baby mama drama". Which I kind of understand but no woman is going to give him drama if he is not an ass....

Yeah, I am going to tell them. But I don't know how to approach it through the phone. His grandmother seem very reserve. So should I write her instead or talk to her over the phone.

Katie - posted on 03/22/2010

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i think u shouldd tell them they got a grandchild thay need to know if they don't want to know jusrt leave it hun

Tiffany - posted on 03/22/2010

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I would say they have have the right to know who there grandson is! i have a 16 month old and he has a great relationship with his grandparents. he doesn't have a relationship with his father but he get to have his grandparents and his aunt in his life and i think that is important as the father being in the childs life! i wish you the best of luck i understand how hard this is for you.

Nicole - posted on 03/22/2010

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I would tell them. My son's father didn't want anything to do with my son until I went for child support when he was 15 months old. My son has now met his father's parents and the father's father asked me why I had not told him sooner.

Also, I have a friend who has a brother that was adopted. The brother's father wanted nothing to do with him, but his grandparents continued to be in his life even after the adoption. The father was no longer in the picture.

They have a right to know. :-)

[deleted account]

I had the same problem and so glad you started this conversation. Unlike your situation, I am still pregnant and the father of my son (& my ex fiancée) left us via telephone in November a month before we were due to get married. I was shocked and devastated as I didn't plan on having children or getting married and I changed all that for him. His father is a minister for the NG Kerk and he was not told about the pregnancy. I think my fiancée wanted to marry me as soon as possible so that he didn't have to tell his father. I refused to get married until his father knew as I wasn't going to deprive my family by getting a shotgun wedding and having them lie to his family at the wedding about my pregnancy. So I guess around November he decided that telling his father was not an option. It was my father who then did some research to find his dad. So we scoured the internet for days trying to track down his father. My dad decided it was best for him to contact my ex's father to let him know so that I wouldn't have to go through the stress. His father has now coming to my hometown with my ex for the birth of our son. He wants paternity tests done before anything else gets decided. However, since we contacted his father my ex has stopped all communication with me and now only speaks to my father. I am not happy about that as we need to communicate for our son's sake but now his family know and he has to take account of his decisions.

The father of your son can't just wish away a child and keep it like a 'dirty little secret'. He deserves more than that and as his mother you need to rally in support from your family and at least when your son is older he knows you had his corner and tried your very best for him. At the end of the day your son is THE most important thing right now. You can't change his father's attitude but you can at least be satisfied that you did everything in your power to support your son. This will count towards how your son will feel about himself in the future.

[deleted account]

éy deserve to know, bt u have to b prepared for wateva outcome....

i was so fortunate coz my baby's grandparents accepted & love her to bits bt her father has neva spoken to her or even seen her.

weigh ur options, he can't stop é child support can he? if he can't u have nothn to lose, u cld gain lovely grandparents for ur son & wth time é father will come round.

all é best ~

Crystal - posted on 03/21/2010

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I would say absolutly! IF you want them to be part of your son's life. If they could be a danger to him, or physically hurt him or anything like that then I would say no. If they choose to be in his life then-GREAT!! If not, then I am sorry. That is sad when grandparents don't want to be a part of their grandchildren lives. I have two boys-one has a father who has him every other weekend and once during the week. His parents, siblings and extended family spend time with him too. But my youngest son does not know his father, his grandparents or anyone on his fathers side. That is the choice that they have made. I feel bad for my baby because he won't understand why his big brother gets to leave with his dad and hear about the people he sees. At the same time I will make sure that he understands that the family that he does have loves him and wants to be a part of his life no matter what. Really, it's all how you feel about them.

Darnisha - posted on 03/21/2010

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they have a right to know its his fault he shouldn't have done the deed to get him. Now if their marriage is strong it will survive this and life will go on. You should most definetly give them a chance to be in your son's life. There is no right way to apporoach this but to simply tell them and hope for the best. its best to let them kno because they have a right to know. keep in touch xoxo:)

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