Should i bring my daughter to her dad If the dad has not seen the baby for over 6 months and lives an hr away and only want you to bring the child to him but not visiting himself and not providing any support

Leanne - posted on 05/19/2012

No. You're the full time parent, you shouldn't have to bend your life and hers just because he feels like acting like he cares. If he hasn't seen her for 6 months, that's his problem. He's the one who made his bed by living that far from his daughter and not making sure he can see her when he wants. And besides - not seeing her father for 6 months, then all of a sudden he wants to see her? The only thing worse than having no father is having a father who bounces in and out. That's going to be the worst thing you can do for her is let someone bounce in and out. Like I said, it's better having no father than one who only shows he cares about her when he feels like it. Trust me, I know how it feels - it's not a good feeling.

Threenorns - posted on 05/18/2012

yep - i did the same thing. told my youngest daughter's father that if he could not behave in an appropriate manner (which included not insulting me in my own home right in front of her and encouraging her to speak and act disrespectfully toward me), then he could not be around her.

he got the message and he did man up as much as he was able to - can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and sometimes there is no prince charming, it's just a frog.

Mary - posted on 05/18/2012

@Threenorns:
In my experience, the court has done nothing more than drain me of what little resources I've managed to work my fingers to the bone for in my ongoing effort to provide for two children by myself. The court doesn't care unless you're on welfare. Thousands of dollars later in lawyer, mediator, guardian-ad-litem fees and missed time at work, he's still out partying and not paying support, and I'm still here working myself to death trying to hold it all together. Sometimes I wonder why I bother-- all I need to do is quit my job and go on welfare and the courts will finally do something. After all, as long as I'm footing the bill and not the state, what do the courts care?
Regardless, I've never denied him access for not paying support. I only started denying access when I repeatedly caught him in the act of saying inappropriate things to a child who is not emotionally mature enough to handle it and then undermining my authority when I interjected. I can and will deny access to a man who is emotionally destroying my child in a pathetic effort to extract her sympathy for his self-inflicted situation. I used to think the way you do, until I saw the kind of emotional destruction that results when encouraging a child to maintain a relationship with a mentally unhealthy man who cares for nothing and no one besides himself.
At least I can honestly tell my daughters that I did everything I could.
I tend to wonder if he loves them. His actions speak otherwise.

Threenorns - posted on 05/17/2012

whether or not he pays child support is irrelevant as to whether or not he gets to see the child. access is access, support is support. if he's not paying support, take him to court but you cannot deny him to see his child.



did he choose to move an hour away or did you? if it was him, then you could go to court and have the visitation order amended to either require him to figure something out one way (ie, you each have to drop her off) or, if you're the one with a car and he's not, he has to reimburse you for gas money, kinda thing). if you're the one that moved, then it's a possibility that the court would rule you are responsible for enabling him to see his daughter since you're the one that created the difficulty.





ETA: i really wish ppl would stop expecting the other parent to be this model of propriety and perfection. honestly, you're creating a no-win situation because clearly you are expecting qualities that weren't there during your relationship (which is why he's "ex", right?). having a child, no matter what cutesie little movies and books-of-the-month claim, does NOT miraculously turn sinners into saints.



children do not need "perfection" - they need "human" and it's perfectly okay for them to know that dad's an unreliable idiot but he still loves them.

Kristin - posted on 05/17/2012

My ex lives 3 hours away and makes no effort to drive to see the kids, and he has not paid any child support. It is important for a child to have a relationship with their fathers, however I believe that effort should be made on both parents part and if he cant make the effort than why should you? I used to drive the children down to see their father and pick them up, until I reached a point where it was expected of me and he still made no effort. Once i quit making the effort for him to see the children he wants nothing to do with them and he never phones to speak to them or ask what they may need, and unfortunately sometimes the children are better off not knowing their father. I believe that your daughters father should be able to make the effort to drive and pick up his daughter.

Mary - posted on 05/16/2012

I believe that taking on all the responsibility for the relationship between the non-resident parent and the child, up to and including compensating for that parent's failure to exercise responsibility and accountability as a parent, is referred to as enabling the irresponsible party to continue misbehaving.

Should I be expected to fork out the gas money to take my children to see their father two hours away when I am working full time and struggling to keep food on the table for them without any child support, while his priorities include where the next party is and what drugs will be available? I think not.

Allyison - posted on 05/14/2012

Yes. It's not about you and him. If you have the transportationthen you should take her to see him. Then you can discuss the arrangements for the next visit. We "have" to be the better person, no matter how we feel or what they have or are not doing. I had to learn this and it wasn't easy.
Much love.

Mary - posted on 04/20/2012

Pay no attention to words; they mean nothing without actions to back them up. Take it from a woman who strove to ensure her daughters' father was part of their lives at all costs and is now struggling to help her eldest (9-year-old) with the low self-esteem and depression that has resulted. It turns out that she is the one paying a dear price that I incurred by giving into his selfish demands (like driving her to him, etc.) and allowing him to flit in and out of her life when it was convenient for him. Cut him off before your girl becomes emotionally attached to him-- you'll save her and yourself a whole lot of heartache in the years to come. If she asks to see him when she is older, then by all means allow her to have a relationship with him if she so chooses-- at least then it will be on her terms and not yours or his.

Amanda - posted on 04/19/2012

And you CANT force someone be a Dad when they clearly don't want to be.... Some people would rather not see other people being walked all over or being used. To each their own. Encouraging and relationship and building for someone are two different things. I am sure you have heard it "you never learn to appreciate something that was just handed to you. Why should she be the one spending money on gas wear and tear on her vehicle and time from her day to play taxi? There is no court that would say the custodial parent transports the child to and from.

Amanda - posted on 04/19/2012

Jen Kowtalo it is irrelevant whether he is a gangbanger or just an asshole right is right and wrong is wrong and there were TWO people present to create that child there should be TWO people pulling their OWN weight to support AND have a relationship with that child. It is NOT NOT NOT her job to transport this child to and from her dad because he is being a lazy ass and his child isn't a priority. Giving in only allows him to continue to use her to do less than his part.

Jen - posted on 04/19/2012

Jen Kowtalo, The "right" thing would be for the dad to do his part. At first I was taking my son to and from all his visits. Mom does not mean taxi and it is NOT our responsibility to make everything easier for them.
--

You can't control what he does can you? But you can always control what you do. Unless he's a psycho (see my other previous post), then yes, you shoudl do what you can so your child can try and build that relationship.

If the OP didn't want that answer, she shoudln't have posted her situation as question of "Should I bring..."

Sorry no one likes my answer. I stand by it.

Jen - posted on 04/19/2012

Is it still the right thing to do if the father is a complete dead beat and potentially hazardous to the relationship with the child? Is it still the right thing to do if he is unstable, unsafe and unpredictable? Is it still the right thing?!
--
Of course not, don't be silly.

None of those negatives were presented in the OP hence why I called it the right thing to do.

Now if he was a gangbanger on crack who was in the habit of drive-by shootings, I would not only encourage to never allow him near a child but strongly question her reasons for having sex with him in the first place.

My 2nd ex-husband was unstable, violent and unpredictable which is why i didn't have a child with him. I was so determined to not do that, that I got myself sterilized.

Lisa - posted on 04/19/2012

No it he wants to be a father tell him to grow up and staring acting like one.

Amanda - posted on 04/18/2012

Jen Kowtalo, The "right" thing would be for the dad to do his part. At first I was taking my son to and from all his visits. Mom does not mean taxi and it is NOT our responsibility to make everything easier for them. When I stopped taking DS to his dad's he didn't have a choice but to drive himself.
Every child should ideally have a relationship with both parents but it is BOTH parents responsibility to maintain that relationship by doing their part. That DOES NOT fall on one person.

Robin - posted on 04/18/2012

NO! If you can do it on your own with out his financial help do iton your own! Give your child security in life knowing you will always be there. Get a good support system! My dad was like my son's father figure. When he was in 2nd grade we joined the big brother program. I prayed for a great guy for him....and prayers were answered! My son is 22 now and he is still in contact with his big brother, who now has a family of his own. I have a well adjusted great kid! Please don't think it was a bowl of cherries....it was hard. My supporty system helped me thru and my son as well!

Paula - posted on 04/18/2012

Hello



A lot of the books I have read has said the children should spend as much time with the other parent as possible. But in the case of abuse that is something different. The kids adjust better over all. I am a single parent who is going through a lot of the same things you are. Sometimes I think he just wanted shared custody so I couldn't get full custody. It doesn't matter how bad our exe's are the children will always love both parents because it is just the way God made them. Hope this helps.

Debi - posted on 04/18/2012

NO!!!!! If he's so busy with work he should be sending you some money!

Jennifer - posted on 04/18/2012

Jen Kowtalo, I believe you and I are going to fundamentally disagree on this question. :) I don't believe that it IS the right thing to do. Personally, I only want people in my own child's life that WANT to be there and I will not go out of my way to take her to people that talk a good line but don't back it up with their actions and I don't think that anyone else should either. Kids are very smart creatures and they know when someone isn't really interested in being around them and I see no reason to put them through that sort of emotional upheaval.

Napoya - posted on 04/15/2012

You should not. I have the same problem. My daughters father has not seen her since she was 18mo she is five now and that is not because I would not let him. At some point the father needs to take some responsibility and try to build a relationship. You can only do so much. My ex only calls when he wants something.

Jane - posted on 04/15/2012

If he wants to see him then he should make the effort - otherwise he doesn't have the right to see his daughter. I had the same with my son when he was young, but I stated that his 'sperm donor' (he doesn't deserve the title 'dad') would have to see him at my house at the time I stated or not at all. He didn't turn up, my son hasn't had contact and it's been great! My son is now almost 13 and has not missed his father at all!

Don't get me wrong, if an absent father is willing to put in the effort and is a good dad, I'm all for upholding their rights to see their children, but if they won't take their responsibilities seriously then they forfeit those rights.

Don't feel guilty - it's all on him and nothing on you!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 04/10/2012

He can take a cab. If he isn't interested in paying child support or helping out in any other ways then you don't need to help him out.



Now being nice, you could just meet him half way somewhere.



I would also suggest setting up a court date soon to get child support and work out visitation.

Samantha - posted on 04/10/2012

Jen I just had to chime in. Too many women are bending over backwards and taking responsibility for the things guys should be doing. I hate to see this behavior being recycled in the next generation. It's time to do things differently...

Jen - posted on 04/10/2012

Samantha, well said! Thanks for sharing. Couldn't agree more.

Samantha - posted on 04/10/2012

Hi I'm new here but I'm a single mom and would like to jump in to answer this question. I don't think you should take the time and expense to drive an hour away so he can see his own child. He is an adult and has to be responsible for getting to her. If you do this once he will expect it again and again. Then you would be teaching your daughter that she has to be the one to go to him in the future. You are only responsible for your child and her well-being. You are only obligated to make sacrifice for her alone.



Please do not get caught up in a cycle that will end up crushing you and making you bitter. If he wants to see her that badly he will find a way to get there. I remember a quote I read a few years ago that is perfect for this situation; I'm paraphrasing..."People make choices and you cannot make them do what they don't want to do". He's making a choice (and excuses) for not coming to you and you have a right to make the choice to take care of yourself and your child first.

Jen - posted on 04/10/2012

It is so interesting to hear all these different opinions. Is it still the right thing to do if the father is a complete dead beat and potentially hazardous to the relationship with the child? Is it still the right thing to do if he is unstable, unsafe and unpredictable? Is it still the right thing?! Everyone's situations are different. If the father is a normal, average guy who just doesn't put forth much effort...fine. Choose what works best for both of your schedules and bring your child to him, if you think it is in the best interest of your child...if it will benefit your child. But if there are reasons deeper, follow your heart and protect your child (and yourself) instead of busting your ass (and pocketbook) just to "do the right thing."

Jen - posted on 04/10/2012

Why put your daughter through the back and forth for someone that doesn't really seem to want to see her but is just talking a lot of talk?



Because it is the right thing to do.

Jen - posted on 04/09/2012

I agree with Jennifer!! Your post (Angela?) is exactly what I am going through right now! My son is six months old. I was together with his father until the baby was 2 months old. The last time we saw him was before Thanksgiving. He lives 4-5 hours away from us, in the neighboring state. I left that day because he held a gun in his throat and told me I would remember that moment for the rest of my life. Longer story there, but to get back to your main question, I would say stay strong and wait until he comes to you AT LEAST ONCE! Don't you think that's fair? You're the working single mother, providing and caring and doing everything in your power to raise your child. If he isn't providing support or visiting, why is it YOUR responsibility to go out of YOUR way, spend YOUR money, take YOUR time, to do something for him, when he is perfectly capable as well. I agree too that there is public transportation or a friend could easily take him. Also, an hour really isn't very far. He could surely borrow someone's car to visit for an afternoon on a weekend, right?! RIGHT. My son's father has proposed to me, calls me everyday begging to take him back, wants to move to our state to be with us and all live together...it sounds dandy and I of course would love to live this fantasy family life but he is not proving himself to me, he is just all talk. In the past five months I have received NO money or gifts from him for his son. He sent a gift card at Christmas (which had his name on it but was purchased by his mother.) He has not visited once, because he "doesn't have a car", "can't find a ride", "doesn't want it to be awkward since we're not together", "doesn't have the money", yadda yadda yadda. There is ALWAYS an excuse!! I am willing to meet him halfway but he needs to come here at least once. Throughout our relationship (once I had moved away) I was ALWAYS the one to drive there. And I would pay for EVERYTHING because he was always so broke. Since the baby has been born, he constantly blames me that he has not seen his son and NOTHING is ever his fault. He has an excuse for everything and tries to sweet talk me into buying his bullshit but I can see right through it, even though I sometimes give him the benefit of the doubt. Please do yourself the favor and do not visit him. Do not bring your daughter too him. She doesn't understand it yet. If she were a few years older, fine. But...if he cares enough and TRULY wants to see her, he WOULD FIND A WAY. Believe me. One hour distance is NOTHING. He truly can find a way and YOU DO NOT NEED TO STEP IN. You do enough yourself and you wear the pants. Keep it that way and do not give in. Best of luck to you- please keep in touch on this forum!!!!!

Jennifer - posted on 04/09/2012

No. If he wanted to see her he would make the effort to show up and he would be paying whatever the court mandates that he should be paying. You're not his taxi, seeing his child is his responsibility. Actions speak a heck of a lot louder than words and his show a distinct LACK of interest. Why put your daughter through the back and forth for someone that doesn't really seem to want to see her but is just talking a lot of talk?

Jen - posted on 04/08/2012

Yes, you should still bring your daughter to her father

April - posted on 04/08/2012

One of the reasons I am not bringing her bc there are public transportation that can bring him to my place and he can figure out ways to get there if he really interested in being in her life.

Jen - posted on 04/08/2012

Yes.