Should I contact my daughter's paternal grandma?

Kristi - posted on 04/14/2013

I hope you didn't make contact with the paternal grandmother! I have been in a custody battle with my childs (wanna-be) father because his mother wanted her grandparent "RIGHTS"! He wanted nothing to do with my child until his mother pushed him to get his "rights". If he is a loser then be careful of the one who raised him! He pays state required child support but only because there is child support enforcement and my child pays emotionally in having court ordered visitation all for the witch grandma.

Bwsmom - posted on 10/24/2012

I also am currently in this position. Truely I am scared to death of her reaction. I am trying to find the words to write her a letter. Her son wrote her granddaughter from the day I found out I was pregnant and has not been their since. My daughter is 8 months old and even though he has been hiding so I cant serve him with papers, I believe she has a right to know. I just joined this site because of all of the advice everyone has. I should have joined a long time ago.

Klarissa - posted on 05/07/2012

Angie,

I would say in your situation that I would go ahead and make contact with your daughter's partnernal grandmother, the choices that her father made in not wanting to have anything to do with her are just that his choices, and the grandmother could be the exact opposite and I know if I were a grandparent I would want to know if I had a grandchild out there, at the end of the day you are doing what is best for your daughter. And who knows all three of you might end up building a great bond.

Vanessa - posted on 05/05/2012

YES, maybe then you can get this test out the way.

Melissa - posted on 05/04/2012

Back when my mom had my sister 28 years ago, my grandmother made my mom write a letter to my sister's paternal grandparents. My mom and sister's biological dad broke up shortly after she found out she was pregnant and she had no contact with him after, she didn't even want child support. Anyway, my mom sent his parents a picture of my sister along with the letter and she has yet to hear a word from any of them, including my sister's dad in 28 years.

I say if you want to make an attempt to contact his family, go ahead. That way you can at say that you tried, but if they don't acknowledge your daughter afterwards, just keep moving because she's obviously better without them.

Jeanie - posted on 05/01/2012

I am sorry for your ex choices...and he will be too one day...your girls will know you did what you could to maintain communications for the girls...they will be able to make the choice soon enough and by then it may be too late for dad in their eyes! all my support! its a difficult situation, you only want happiness for your children, I know ;)

Jeanie - posted on 05/01/2012

I am a mother of bi-racial children (their father is black) I have 3 boys and my daughter is the youngest. I cant speak for all mothers or possible grandmothers, however I do have 2 boys with children of their own and I would want to know if I had or if I have grandchildren out there. I myself respect the fact that in one case my grandson mom and my son do not communicate very much, she is married and just recently had a little girl. However she and I are able to text and FB and I get updates and pics on my grandson. I have another grandson with a different mother and they are able to communicate and I do also with her, my natural grandson and her first son which I also consider my grandson (he has been in my life since before he was a year old, and I love him dearly) I think it is very important for you to attempt contact for the sake of your daughter and give his mom the opportunity to participate in her life if she so decides. This may not be an easy situation for you or his mother so just make sure you are doing it for your daughter and it has no connection with the child support case. (Mom will discuss the situation with her son, I have no doubt) It is my opinion that it is important for any child to have as much family in their lives for love and support, and in the case of an inter-racial child there are other factors that are important too...culture, outlooks, additional emotional support and such...however you decide I wish you all the luck and blessings in the worlds and commend you for even being open to the idea of allowing his family into her life as so many moms just want to cause chaos and drama for the babies daddys of their lives...much luck and love

Beth - posted on 05/01/2012

@Chrissyomari I know what my ex is like. He is in a world of his own - still believes certain things about the ending of our relationship and the girls. There are one or two things that he still claims, especially about the paternity of one of the girls (which is untrue).

There was abuse in the relationship my ex towards me (physical and emotionally) and towards the two eldest (emotional). To the best of my knowledge his family don't know about it. I have informed them of most of the reasons why I've treat them slightly differently than my ex, except for the abuse.

My ex father in law's thinking that whatever concerns I have about my ex, isn't beyound working past to establish contact between my ex and my girls. Saying that the ex had a chance to write letters and work on gradually working up contact. As my girls were taking their time in responding, it wasn't going as quickly as he would have liked. When he wrote letters to them, I said that it was their choice if they wanted to write back. I was OK if they did and OK if they didn't.

As for my girls' paternal grandparents, the girls don't know that I've been in contact. I wasn't going to raise any expectations of their other grandparents making any effort to have contact in the near future.

For the girls' sake, I'm now working on the principle that their Dad and all his family are 'Missing in action, can't be bothered, so assumed dead until they can make an effort'. I have left the door open for contact in the future, but assuming that certainly their paternal grandparents will actually be dead before their Dad makes any effort to establish long term contact and maintains it.

Christian - posted on 04/30/2012

@Beth: It's really good that you don't hold that against them. But when I read your post, all I could think was that some people are simply devoid of moral character. It's thier (grandparents & bio dad's) loss, but it still quite bothersome!

Christian - posted on 04/30/2012

I was in the EXACT same situation as you. I wrote a letter to my child's paternal grandmother when he was four months old. I actually expected the grandmother to ignore the letter because I thought, anyone who raised a son as cold, selfish & stubborn as my child's father, wouldn't care about a grandchild. Long story short, the biological father, was avoiding taking an dna test. I told her simply because I didn't want to be the "bad" guy in the future. I had no expectations and I told her I was just telling her because I would want to know if I were in her situation.

I won't go into the "RIDICULOUSNESS" that this man told her when she called to ask him about it and I will admit that my feelings were hurt by some of her statements, but I took my son to visit her when he was about 7 months. When he grows up, I want to be able to tell him that I did everything I could, without degrading myself, hurting him or diminishing his value, to facilitate a relationship with his paternal family. She seems excited, but she sort of tries to hide it because she's torn between her son being of low moral character and not taking the DNA test and knowing deep down instinctively that my son is her grandson.

It worked out for me. She's pretty nice and she calls to check on me from time to time. She also consistently sends the cutest little outfits and toys in the mail to me. Oh, and she did "THE MOST" for Christmas and Easter.

From my experience, I will say it can't hurt. The worst that can happen is that the lady will not respond and all that does is let you know that her and her son are cut from the same unsavory cloth, which is no reflection on you or your kids.

Ginger - posted on 04/29/2012

You know, my Aunt lives many states away, but her phone calls and letters mean the world to my Son. Just the fact that someone lives far away doesn't mean that the once in a while letters, pictures, or phone calls don't mean anything to a kid, because they do. If you do decide to contact her, I wish you the best of luck. Please protect your child from a broken heart by not giving your child expectations of a wonderland of acceptance. Probably best to not even tell your child anything at all until you know the Granparent recipercates.

Beth - posted on 04/29/2012

My ex's parents are aware that they have three granddaughters living with me, but they choose not to acknowledge/ have a relationship with them, because my ex doesn't see them. I had a letter off them three years ago expressing a wish to have contact, which I said they could. About 6 months after that, my ex (their son) wanted contact with the girls, which I said he could (against my better judgement), but it only lasted with my ex barely 5/6 months.



The girls' paternal grandparents are now only prepared to have contact with my girls when their Dad sees them on a regular basis (at least once a month). That's before they (grandparents) will consider having contact. As my ex is currently choosing to ignore my girls, I don't think that his parents will get to see my girls again. They have said that they would dearly want to get to know my girls, but don't want to be seen as being used as a weapon against my ex.



For you - mixed bag. You could write a brief letter saying who you are, why you have written etc.. Make sure that you put on a selection of contact details (probably stick to email and your address to begin with). After writing the letter - set your expectations low - meaning don't expect her to answer and/or be willing to have a relationship with your child. If she chooses not to get back to you, then it shows that you have tried to establish contact. Respect her wishes to be involved (or not) in your child's life.



another point is that it may mean that your ex may come back into your life, so may result in some backlash from him.



Certainly my ex's family live several hours away by car, but choose not to be in my girls' life at the moment. I don't hold it against them, I just think they have lost the opportunity to be in my girls' lives because the lack of ability on their son's part. He did have a chance to be in my girls' lives, but because my girls took their time in responding to his letters, he choose to stop, just as they were starting to take an interest when they could see that he was going to maintain contact for more than a few letters and presents.

Louise - posted on 04/29/2012

If her grandparent is miles away what is the point? I think if the family were local and a relationship between grandparent and child could be maintained then yes go for it. But if it is unlikely for the child to know this grandparent what is the point. A christmas card, a birthday card! My mum found hereself in this position 25 years ago when my brother had a child he had no contact with. The mother contacted her but she felt she could not have a relationship with the child because of her son. It was easier to sever all ties, so to speak. Now all these years later my brother is part of the childs life and they speak on Facebook regularly. My mother is now a great grandma, but there is no relationship there.

It is entirely up to you what you do, just be ready for rejection. If the father has not acknowledged the child it is unlikely the mother will. But you can try!

Ginger - posted on 04/28/2012

Well, I guess it wouldn't be to bad to contact her respectfully and tell her in a way in which if she was not interested she did not feel obligated. Just so long as you are prepared for her to curse you out or whatever else the worst case scenerio could be. If it were me, I would want to know, but you never can be to sure about what a different person may feel. Writting a letter/email would give you the opportunity to explain how you aren't asking for anything, but you thought she deserved to know. However you would never know if she got the letter. So why not. One phone call isn't harassment, but if she says no and you keep calling then, that would be harrassment. Just make sure you clearly let her know that you are not asking for anything and that while you are sure he is the father, there is no dna test. That way she doesn't feel duped and what not. I would advise you to give her contact information that allows you the opportunity to not be harrassed in return if you gos nutballz on you. If it turns out better then you can share things more freely.