Should I continue to allow my daughter's father to be involved?

Allison - posted on 09/17/2011

Id say hes not showing any interest in her, unfortunately hes one in a million. My ex is the same way hed suddenly come out of the wood work and call acting interested but either he was silent or talking about something completely unrelated. Truth is he had no interest in knowing her. I booted him out. No way was i going to put my daughter through his selfishness.

Rachel - posted on 09/11/2011

my childs father is living in ireland so there for has to pay no maitinence. which i feel is so unfair. he speacks to our son on web cam once a week and then may not call for as long as 5 months. i know its not like he lives up the road but ryan air are p[retty cheap nowadays. im concidering weather to cut him out my sons life all together?

Jessica - posted on 02/23/2011

amy starkey: what planet are you from?



on earth, if you have a child with someone, you should be a parent to that child. if you can't be a parent, walk away. if you saw a woman on the street running around doing what ever she wanted, never taking care of her kids, never providing for her kids, never calling her kids, never seeing her kids, and half assing everything with them... and at the same time running around spending money, hanging out with friends, having the time of her life, sleeping in, doing what ever she wanted... WHAT WOULD YOU THINK??? you would think, lazy ass mom who needs a wake up call to reality. if you were friends with her or related to her, you would do everything in your power to get her to WAKE UP and get back on track and get her priorities straight. you would be thinking of the poor children who do not have a responsible mommy. i think the SAME standards should be placed on a FATHER! there is no uncertainty. there is no, i don't think i am ready. there is no i need to get my life back together. there is no anything... he is her dad. he should be there as a dad... if he can't be, then he should not be. there is no middle ground, no leeway, no halfway, no nothing! why would you give someone that much control? why would you let someone half ass something? why would you say, oh honey, if you want to be there when you feel like it even though it hurts our kids, that is okay... go ahead confuse them and disappoint them and hurt them. you are not ready and i am okay with that... take your time dear... NO WAY. why let them get off that easy?? he had sex just as much as you had sex. he took the same risk as you did to create a baby. he put himself in that situation willingly... why on earth would you let anyone get off from responsibility for helping create a child. it is not like he didn't know what he was doing!!!!!! he is just as responsible for that child being here as you are so he should be as responsible as you are to help take care of that child.



if he doesn't want to be a dad and isn't doing what he should, then he should not be there. if it is hurting her child, then he should be there. she should not make it easier for him to see his daughter either. if he really wanted to see her, he would take the effort. he doesn't, so he doesn't. there is no excuse on earth for that... NONE.



you should not pardon behavior like that for any reason... he is her father. he is her parent. that is a huge thing.

Sonali - posted on 02/15/2011

Hello! I think u should pray for his happiness.pray for the right/best thing to happen.Also pray for ur clarity,wisdom,compassion & courage.Don't give up! Enjoy the journey & I'm sure something better is waiting for u.....

Tiffany - posted on 02/02/2011

Well I am a single mother of two and my daughters dad is not as active in her life either. I say you need to do what is in the best interest of your daughter. And that is surround her with only people that love her and want to be in her life. It seems to me that he really does not want to be there for her. Maybe he is dealing with his own demons.... Who knows. But I say just lay off of the phone call a little and don't keep offering to make things easier for him to be a dad. He know what it takes and what he needs to do and if he wants to do them then he will. I know it will hurt a little but just be there for your daughter. All the offers in the world wont make him be a good dad. And besides if he is only being there in silence that is always going to disrupt your life. Just let him decide for himself, and tell him that he can not continue this behavior if he wants to be in her life at all (and mean it). If he does not step up then just leave him as a memory and do what you have to do for her. This will not be easy but it's always better for the child if you are not stressing over what you can not change.

Alisha - posted on 02/01/2011

That is sad, tell him that she needs more than a 5 minute phone call once a week and it was HIS choice that he moved so far away. Tell him how she acts after talking to him and that you are not seeing any positive points in the phone calls at this time. I wouldn't cut him out completely because then he may just stay out which would be sad for her but at this point I think you need to be direct with him but not angry due to the emotional nature of distress it causes on you. You have the right to say she can't talk right now but if that's all she has of her dad then I guess I would take it. Tell him she is going to grow up thinking a dad is just a voice on a phone. I for sure would not let him live at your place if that's what you were saying.

Victoria - posted on 02/01/2011

I'm not really sure what to say. It depends on what country you are in. You should speak to a family law lawyer,if you are in Canada and cannot afford a lawyer try talking to your local courthouse and see if you have a local duty counsel on. Duty counsel is a lawyer who attends at the court house and gives legal advice to people who cannot afford it on their own, it is funded through legal aid and is no cost to you other than through taxes that we all pay. That is an option for you. Your lawyer will be able to give you more options, sadly no one on here is qualified to give you advice on this subject. They can give you their opinion but that doesn't mean that it is legal. Whether he deserves them or not your child's father has a legal right to see his child as he pleases until you can get something done legally, even then there is no guarantees. Sorry, I know that is not what you would like to hear but sad truth is law trumps all whether we like it or not. (this is not legal advice, I am simply advising you to seek advice from a professional)

Amy - posted on 01/31/2011

Ok, there are alot of angry single moms here and I understand that, but it doesn't do your kids any favours in my opinion. I hear that it can be confusing and upsetting for children to have their dads come and go, but that is an unfortunate reality that we as single moms have to do our best to overcome with our own love and support. The key thing to minimizing the harm here is realistic expectations by everyone. To those of you saying Dads should do this and should do that - you're setting yourself and your kids up for hurt and disappointment. In my experience the less pressure I put on my daughter's father, the more he steps up to the plate. I have sat back and let him decide how much involvement he wanted and his bond with her has grown in it's own way, according to what he has been able to give. I've asked for very little, expected next to nothing and been overwhelmingly grateful for the involvement he has willingly chosen. All our experiences are different, and men are different; I've been very lucky, but I take credit in so much as I have been cooperative and compassionate in the 5 years since I decided to have a baby with a man who wasn't prepared to be a father. I urge you to keep the lines of communication positive, supportive and respect that he is figuring things out in his own time. Just because you decided to have a baby, doesn't mean that he should be a father. Let him decide that on his own, and he may come through for you. But it's a pretty safe bet that if you're demanding that he should be this and should do that, then he will resist you out of fear of not being able to live up to your expectations. If he doesn't want to be a father, then you can't make him be a good one. Make sure that your family unit is strong and surround yourself and your daughter with a community of loving people - friends, family - and let her father do what he can when he wants to. Don't cut him off, but don't wait around for him to be a part of your family either - make sure that your daughter has the family she needs so she doesn't miss him so much. Then whatever he can give will just be an added bonus. We are single moms, which means we have to create strong families in the absence of a full-time dad. If we are lucky enough to have him part-time, then count your blessings, but you can't force him. That is what it means to have choices as women.

Vicky - posted on 01/31/2011

Hi I am a single mum to a 4 year old. His dad decided while I was pregnant to disappear out of our lives. Best thing he ever did but he turned back up a week before his 2nd birthday and asked to see him. I let him so at least I showed willing to accomodate him in my sons life. He came for a few weeks then it turned to monthly and then every other month and so on we just had him visit this weekend for the first time since October. When he is here he has no idea what to say or do. my son doesn't like him after about 10 mins as he starts trying to annoy him by interrupting his tv and playtimes. I don't believe a dad should be restricted by a mum as they can restrict themselves all on there own. As long as a child is safe and happy their whole family should be available to the child when they need them. When it comes to chatting I don't help them in anyway as I feel that if they can't do it with me there then they are not ready to go it alone his dad wants solo access and I won't allow that until they are ready and can manage a full visit without arkward silences. He doesn't ring now because they stand in silence or he won't even come to the phone, a child knows when someone isn't interested in them and it is very sad to watch but I always try to keep evrything as normal as possible all the time. Lots of hugs, and I Love You's to keep him feeling safe, the rest will either come or go. I also have a ten year old daughter whos dad only visits 4 times a year she loves him to bits so I know that there is a chance for limited visits to work, so let them carry on with phonecalls without your help and they will start to chat when she wants to and he will hopefully realise he needs to work at relationships with children or they will disappear and it will be his own fault. My brother is a dad to 2 girls and he lives a long way from his children (mother moved to other end of country) he sees them monthly due to money but his kids adore him and don't want to leave when its time to go home. Again he gives lots of love and explains really well why he can't see them fortnightly anymore and they understand and don't feel any different towards him. I hope this helps just leave it to him to sort it out and he will either stay or go at least you are letting him and if he does go you can tell your daughter that you tried to get him to come. BEST WISHES xx

Karen - posted on 01/30/2011

I was in the same situation as you. I have a 3 year old son who doesn't know his biological father because my sons dad only wanted to be a father to him when it was most convenient to him which ended up being never. My advice to you is save you daughter the heart ache and get full custody of you daughter and if he doesn't want to pay child support say to him give me full custody of her and I will have the judge wave the child support. So you and your daughter can move on with your lives and not have the worry of him trying to take her from you.

Veronica - posted on 01/30/2011

I dont care too much for the fact that some of these moms that are commenting and telling you to leave him alone or cut him out of the picture, haven't even done this theirselves.. practice what u preach people especially if you might have a say in someone making a BIG decision in their life- a lot of single moms, like me, don't really have any one to talk to that understands their situation enough or even cares to give them un biased advice so we turn to forums like these to get it and then people give contradicting advice... you are not helping as much as you think you are, you are just making it more confusing.. tell it how you would do it.

Shun - posted on 01/29/2011

my personal opinion: i think you should tell him exactly what your concern is and go from there but truly in the long run he will be the one with the conscience and guilt of explaining why he didnt try hard enough and just ensure your daughter it isnt her fault .. stay pray'd up!!

Lacyn - posted on 01/28/2011

All of these girls know what they're talking about Hun! Men like that are a waste of time and are only going to cause more pain and heartache than anything else. My kids' daddy is a dead beat inadequate father. He plays the pity party card making everyone think he's the victim that he never gets to see his daughter (he has nothing to do with our son...bastard), that he loves her so much, and I'm just a b@&$! of an ex. However he won't make any attempt to call her, text asking how she is, nothing. Get this, on thanksgiving and Christmas the f&@$%# never called or even sent a text to the kids! Needless to say I wasn't surprised that he didn't even send anything for them for Christmas either. My dad keeps trying to have him involved but I'm still trying to get him to see that he's only gonna get the babies hurt. My ex sits around and waits for everybody to do everything for him, and hen waits for my dad to send him pics of the kids, give him updates, ect. But he won't do any of it himself. And when he's had the opportunities to come see em, does he? He'll no! Girl, it's his loss. He doesn't even deserve parental rights. I've been trying to keep my kids' dad involved and if he's had more than enough time to be there. The choice to be a parent and be in their lives is made when that child is concieved or born, not years down the road. We single moms have to stick together bc of buttholes like him and protect our kids.

Bryndís - posted on 01/28/2011

These phonecalls are just confusing her, cut him off. Either he visits, maybe once a month and gets to keep calling or he gets cut off. She is missing him more when she hears his voice on the phone so i would say that it's not doing her any good.

Rosie - posted on 01/28/2011

I am sorry that you are in this situation but, to be honest if the father of your child is only willing to spare 5 mins once a week to talk to her then I have to say does he really want to be in her life or, is it just a game he is playing.
I would suggest to him next time he calls that unless he is willing to get a web cam so that he can see he child and that his child sees him, then I would say to him that he cannot have anymore contact with her. I know this may seem really harsh and that you are trying to do the right thing by your little girl.
I think though that this relationship that she is having with him is making her life and your life more confusing. I am sorry to say but I would suggest nicely to him that unless he is willing to change the situation then he can't speak to her anymore. Good Luck....

Julie - posted on 01/27/2011

The fact that you are asking these type of questions tells us your answer... STAY AWAY FROM HIM and do not encourage visit OR let him stay with you (there are obviously emotional ties there, and that is normal...)
When he calls keep silent... but do put it on speaker phone just in case.
The majority of chidlren are from single parent homes... and they turn out fine.
Focus on being the best mom you can and love your precious gift from God, o.k.?

Kathlena - posted on 01/27/2011

I had a 3 year old, a one year old and I was 5 months pregnant when I left my daughters' dad. He JUST now started helping me with them and I left over 2 years ago. His parents were always there for my children so they can visit them (with me present for now) And he understands that he will be able to talk to them and see them AFTER he is caught up on child support and proves to be a father instead of a child himself. He is currently behind by over $5,0000.00. But I've stuck with my decisions because if you give in once and allow them to talk then you'll never have help. Everything is in order now and he checks on them through me right now..if he catches up and shows that he wants to be a part of their lives...THEN he will see them. Stay strong...And ALSO I have found with my oldest to be honest about things..."Your daddy isn't a bad person, but sometimes he does bad things and he doesn't deserve you at the moment." I don't try to make her not care about him, I know she loves him and I'll never try to change that. But she knows that what he's doing is wrong and that she deserves better. I allowed him to talk to them last summer and my oldest asked him "daddy why won't you help take care of us? I love you but what you're doing isn't right"...he got a job, paid off his "other" debts and reported himself to child support. Be honest with her and she'll be honest with him...she'd have more of an impact than you ever could.

Bridgette - posted on 01/27/2011

We are a great bunch of women, who am I to say but gee whizz, the responses support and information are awesome and have also helped me. I hope for Theresa that you and your child find some peace and happiness no matter which road you choose, I for one have NEVER found any of this easy, I made the mistake of meeting not 1 but 2 hopeless Dad's, the momentr the second guy placed his hands on my son, I left but by then I was over 3 months pregant, I constantly feel immense guilt to my boys for the problem's they will deal with because of MY poor decision's, BUT, I "step up", now and be the very best Mum I can be making every effort to support and surround my kids with love, At the end of the day LOVE conquers all, whether it's 1 parent or 2, resentment and anger, confuse our kids, love to all and your families, Bridgette, Jeremiah and Max

P.S Because I have issues to deal with in my choice of angry men, MY kids have never seen me with a man again, it's NOT a chore either, I am a happy women

Clare - posted on 01/27/2011

okay, im also a single mum and ive never stopped my sons father comming to see him, but he never rings he even refuses to accept his son is actually his and he only lives 15 mins away.

Antoinette - posted on 01/27/2011

ok all those saying he doesn't deserve to be a dad...I have met ppl who never had a chance to be in their father's life. Mostly bc the mother told them not to come around and u know what they don't blame the dad they blame the mother. Children deserve to have both parents in their life. She gets upset bc she is used to seeing him everyday so this is confusing for her. I went to court to make my kids father see my kids. He now gets them every week and they know when they r going to see them and it benefits them for the better. I would never keep my kids away from their father bc it doesn't hurt him it hurts ur child more than anyone in the long run.

Kelley - posted on 01/27/2011

I think you are reading too much into the 'money' aspect. As long as your daughter has interest in him and him with her, you should encourage the relationship. I have two children that only see their father a few weeks out of the year. They appreciate that I go out of my way, financially and emotionally to make sure that they remain in contact with their father. I know that he is not the best father nor is this the ideal situation; however, I firmly believe that they need their father in their lives. I know that it's not easy and even though I worry about their safety (both physical and mental) while they are with him, I can't bring myself to be the one who breaks their relationship. Hang in there, get some advice on the legal implications of not allowing him to be part of her life.

Ximena - posted on 01/27/2011

hi, I'm a single mom too and dealing with a very similar issue, my son is 3 and his dad has been on and off his life, finally he is making the effort, he comes to visit and calls everyday but I told him that if this wasn't going to be constant I rather he stops because I don't want gabriel to suffer because he is not a constant in his life...like you many times I was doing the effort for him, that's enabling and is wrong and at the end your chils suffers and so do we, set limits, talk to your daughter, explain that daddy is away but she can send him letters and talk to the father either he is there for her or not at all.

KELLIKAYZ - posted on 01/27/2011

YOU SHOULD HONESTLY CONSIDER THERAPY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER SO THAT SHE CAN GET HER FEELINGS OUT NOW AND CONTINUE TO GROW. MY BEAUTIFUL 18 YEAR OLD SON SHOWS SOME SIGNS OF ANGER AND I DID NOT GIVE THERAPY A FAIR TRY. I ALSO WAS VERY HONEST WITH MY SON AND TOLD HIM THAT HIS JOB WAS TO DO AND BE BETTER THAN NOT ONLY HIS FATHER, BUT ME ALSO. I REASSURE HIM THAT HIS FATHER'S CHOICES ARE A REFLECTION OF HIS FATHER AND NOT MY SON OR MY SON'S SELF WORTH. JUST ENCOURAGE YOUR DAUGHTER AND STAY ON THE HIGH ROAD. IT WILL GET EASIER AND BETTER, I PROMISE. OH, AND PLEASE DO NOT OBLIGATE YOURSELF BY ALLOWING HIM TO LIVE WITH YOU. THAT COULD CAUSE MORE HARM TO YOUR DAUGHTER. HE HAS TO WANT TO BE INVOLVED ON HIS OWN AND IF HE IS NOT THEN KEEP GIVING HER THE LOVE AND SUPPORT SHE NEEDS AND BE THERE FOR HER WHEN SHE DOES NEED TO TALK IT OUT. MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR BABY GIRL. GOD BLESS

Audrey - posted on 01/27/2011

Its not about the mothers feelings its about protecting our children and obviously your experience has been very different from others.

Amanda - posted on 01/26/2011

Its not your responsibility to make sure he has a relationship with his daughter. I say you should walk away as well...but make sure he knows the door is open, so you aren't denying him any of his rights...but its his choice to be there or not. From the sounds of it, he isn't too into it. If it came down to court, they would see he had made no effort to stay in her life, and when she gets older she will understand that it wasn't you keeping him away, it was his own faults. Its not fair for him to keep popping in and out of her life. All that will do is confuse and upset her. He either needs to be there for her all the time, or not at all. Its his choice. Protect your daughter, she's too young to decide for herself, and she will end up with a broken heart if he keeps going the way he's going.

Chamika - posted on 01/26/2011

let him do just what he is going to do, Be careful for safety purposes of course but allow her to from her own opinion of him. Just be really careful,that is not something anyone can tell you to do or not do just what ever you do stay positive in front of her. I wish you well!!

Alexis - posted on 01/26/2011

I am in the same boat. I guess keep your distance be strong for her but let him know your concerns , my son is the same age, Think about how disappointed he makes you. Explain to him you don't want your daughter to go through that and what you expect from him .

Kimberly - posted on 01/26/2011

Wow...Interesting responses. Many of us are in a similar boat. My son is five and I also came from a family where this happened.
Ultimately, it is not your choice. Yet, to an extent, it is. You see, as your daughter grows, she'll want to know more about her daddy and why he is not there. That is okay. Don't be afraid of that. When the tough questions come, I have simply learned to give my son truthful answers (without going into detail or putting down his father) When questions I feel should be directed at his father...ie "how come daddy didn't come see me and he said he would?" I ask him to talk to his daddy about it. One day your daughter will make the decision of whether or not she wants her father in her life. That could happen at a young age...it could happen when she is older. She'll start to decide whether the promises her father makes are solid or whether or not he is really interested inher well being. Either way, she'll look at you with love and respect becuae no matter what, you made sure that she had access to her dad. She'll never be able to say you prevented her from seeing him. I'm where you are at and as frustrated and downright pissed off as I get, (I even make the phone calls TO dad instead of him calling his son sometimes) I try to keep some small form of communication in place. That helps when court comes around if he should ever decide he wants visitng right and the like. She'll know the truth one day. She'll know how much you sacrifice and how much you worry to keep her safe and make sure she knows she is loved. And when it comes down to it, you'll probably always be the parent she comes to rely on. No matter what her future status is with her dad.

Jennifer - posted on 01/26/2011

my son (4) see's his father on weekly webcam chats due to his father living in another country. (a fact I am truly grateful for really!!! lol) I to am the one asking most of the questions to get my son to speak and such. Its been nearly 2 years now and his father has become much better but it is getting harder for my son to actully want to do it.

with knowing this side of it all - I am not sure trying to swap to webcam chats is the best thing - unless you know for sure it will continue. it is so hard when you have the child there ready and the father is a no show.

above all - you need to tell him to pick it up or cut it off...not imbetween. you are giving him the chance to be in his daughters life but you should not have to be the one doing everything to keep him there.

HUGS

Bridgette - posted on 01/24/2011

I hope for the sake of the children the situation works out well for all involved and to all single mums,,my hats off,,take a bow,,we are amazing women

Bridgette - posted on 01/24/2011

I agree to disagree....I think many Mums get angry,,,bring their feelings and hurt into it,,YES,,we only want to protect our child,,we want whats best,,sometimes the way I see it is,,one day my boys will find out the truth behind my being a single mum,,and one day Perhaps Ill be the hero as I was able to rise above all that and show compassion, Act with maturity and realise a child isnt MY possesion, I have found when Dad was just asked to be Dad and I left all my rubbish out of it,he has done ok,,my sons know they are loved by both of us and both families, I am only judging my situation with MY experience,,that is a fairly reliable contact. without any of MY feelings about him being involved,,

Alexandra - posted on 01/23/2011

I would suggest backing off of the phone conversations and let them fall as they will...don't coach her into speaking, that makes it awkward and lets him off the hook for carrying a conversation! Surely, if he wants to know about her, he can ask her about preschool or the weather or her toys. Doing that for him makes him lazy and probably confuses her. Face to face visits will either happen or not, don't fret too much about that...it doesn't sound like he is any great hurry to see her which I find very sad.

Tracey - posted on 01/21/2011

I agree w/ Audrey.. cut him out completly... hes a no good dad as she gets older she will know only mommy was there for me when i was younger take it from me im going threw the same thing good thing i have a good man to step in for my daughters dad... :)

Jessica - posted on 01/21/2011

latwanda: wow, he is playing games trying to see if he can manipulate you... i would not have him in her life. how can you say you want to quit being dad? no she does not deserve wishy washyness from her dad!! she is way better off without him!!

Latwanda - posted on 01/21/2011

I feel that I would like to have my daughter's father not to be involved. I haven't heard from him in 3wks, so I contacted him to know if he wanted to be in his daughter's life. He tell me he wanted to "quit" being a dad! I had never heard anyone say that, but I told him if that is how you feel, then have a good life and don't bother us again. All of a sudden, he changed his attitude and NOW he's trying to be "dad". My daughter is 3yrs old and she doesn't deserve someone like that in her life.

Jessica - posted on 01/20/2011

to Bridgette:



i am sorry but why give the man a chance? if he blew it or acts uninterested in HIS OWN CHILD why sit there and say well maybe this might work or maybe he might have to grow up a little or maybe the poor dear does not know what do when he talks to his daughter maybe he doesn't understand that he is hurting her maybe he just needs and extra push or some mediation or some extra help. BULL. THAT IS HIS KID. NO EXCUSES. NADDA. NONE. IF HE CAN'T DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO NOW FORGET HIM. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM BEING A LAME DAD. sorry. but if her daughter is hurting, why let her continue to hurt? he shows no signs of changing. he should want to be dad. he should want to care. he should want to be there. he should want to see her. he should want to better his life. he should want to listen and act like he cares about her day. he should want to change. he should want to be the best dad in the world. but he doesn't. he should have already done those things on his own free will... no amount of excuses or bull or help is going to change him. you can't turn a duck into a dog no matter how much you try. it is not the child's choice if it is not in the child's best interest. if he abused you he will abuse his child. if he has horrible morals he will inflict that on his child. it does not sound like to me that she is basing any of this on her personal feelings but only on how it is affecting her daughter. i think he blew it. no more chances. end of story. if he cared he would act like he cared. nothing and no one can or will change that and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. he should have done it already on his own because he cared. sorry, you can't make excuses for someone that refuses to grow up. and you can't make exceptions for them either. kids are only little once and they grow up so fast. everything is now or never. there are no second chances at their childhood and everything you do affects them.



making excuses for the dad's behavior is like justifying it into being okay. it is not okay. why is it when a father does not warm up to being a dad we make all these excuses for them? like oh they weren't ready or they aren't mature enough they will come around when they are ready or they didn't plan this or they have to get their lives together or they are scared or too young. it is okay. give them some time. BULL. NO EXCUSES. NONE. NADA. there is nothing in the world to justify not being a dad the moment you become a dad the way you should be a dad. NOTHING. ugh, society needs to frown on dad's more that don't take responsibility for their kids instead of just the moms who get looked down upon if they aren't doing their job as a mother. it is so hypocritical. it takes two to have a baby, not one. if he can't handle the choice he made to put himself in a situation where a child resulted because of his and her actions together then he should be out of the picture. he is equally responsible for creating a child. it does not just lie on the mother's shoulders. there is no excuse in the world for him to not be able to handle it and if he can't, then he should be out of the picture.



my son is 11. his dad did not want to be a dad when i became pregnant with him. he was very angry that i chose to not get an abortion. he walked away when i was 5 months pregnant. i called him from the hospital when i had him and he refused to come and see him. i did not hear from him for five years and after that once a year only and never once was any phone call about his son (nor did he attempt to see him and he admitted to me that he lied to people and told them he did not have a kid). now my son is 11 and he found some girl that told him he should see his kid more. he is trying to set something up... i said. NO. YOU BLEW YOUR CHANCE.

Bridgette - posted on 01/20/2011

ABSOLUTELY CORRECT VANESSA, We as Mum's DOnot have the right to say whether Dad can see the child,,Its THE CHILDS right to see both parents, I was stalked by this man (my sons father) BUT never did he hurt our child, or danger our child, I allowed contact under supervision and when I did attend court thta worked in my favour

Bridgette - posted on 01/20/2011

We must love the child more than we dislike or get mad at each other, Perhaps a mediation is needed, where he has commitments and a formal set up to discuss WHAT he actually wants, Yes it's distressing to you to see her upset but even if he were talking, she may still show signs of distress (just at her confusion), I have vast experience with this area, Its difficult to maintain contact with someone who is unreliable, but as long as you and your daughter are not in danger, I suggest keeping him in her life on some level, maybe he needs to grow up and sort through his own feelings and perhaps guilt to be a Dad. perhaps a third party could assist in helping both of you with these decision's so your own painful (warranted) feelings dont cloud your judgement and excpectation,All the very best, please be sure to contact a womens service to seek legal advice and or mediators, counsellors, support workers etc

Audrey - posted on 01/20/2011

An excellent reponse. Wise words. Good woman :)

Audrey - posted on 01/20/2011

Well i'm texting from Ireland. My childs dad is a complete muppet and a nutter to boot, he hasnt paid maintenance in over 2 years, so no he has no rights to see my daughter. And in the year she hasnt seen him she has blossomed into a very happy content and confident child :)

Jessica - posted on 01/19/2011

forget it. walk away. don't encourage it anymore. actions speak louder than words... he is not making an effort and he doesn't care about making an effort. if he cared, hew would see her, he would act interested, and he would be concerned about her life. he is not. and he will not change or get better. your daughter is confused and is being hurt by this. she does not understand and she is taking it very personal. that is not fair to your daughter and will hurt her self esteem in the long run. you have tried to voice your concerns and he has ignored you. you have tried to make it easier for him (by offering him a free place to stay) and he has turned you down. there is nothing more you can do. his message is so loud, it is screaming... he does not care. i would let it go and not encourage a relationship between your daughter and him anymore. it is not worth it and your daughter will be more hurt over this than if she never talked to him again (or until she is an adult). i would not give him any more chances, he blew them all.



as for the comment about not having a choice and he could take her to court?? he would have done that already over visitation if he cared!! and if he did take her to court over denying visitation, the most he would get is every other weekend. and he would complain about not being able to afford to pick her up and the judge would tell him tough luck! if you want to see her, you need to pay for gas to come and get her. and if he isn't interested in seeing her now, i highly doubt he would pay to go to court to get visitations. and she automatically has all rights to her child... he has none. so unless there is a court order saying otherwise, she is in charge and can say fully of what goes on and what doesn't go on, including visitations.

Vanessa - posted on 01/19/2011

ultimately its not your choice... its the courts. if he wants to have some involvement and u deny him he could take you to court and win. unless u have proof that he takes crack infront of children, a court will view him wanting to have some involvement as beneficial to the child.

Audrey - posted on 01/19/2011

I was in a very similar situation over a year ago. To be honest hun for you and your daughters sake cut cut cut him out of your life I did with my daughters father. I have to admit it was hard at the beginning but a year down the line and my life has never been better. Men like that will only bring you and your daughter down I know I've been there. She is young she just need to know that her mommy loves her, loads of love and cuddles and she'll soon forget that loser father, and her love will help you forget him too x :) be strong time is a great healer cornie but sooo true

Krystal - posted on 01/19/2011

my 6 year old dad is just not coming back in two her life after not wanteding to do anything with her. i am the same as you i dont think he has the right to see her. but i told him this was the last chance. if he goes out of her life one more time he out for good.