should i get custody of my son ?

Sarah - posted on 07/13/2010 ( 48 moms have responded )

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i want to get on with my life and move away from this small country town my ex hardley done anything with out son and when he visits he picks him up and sits on the couch to watch tv then leaves 5 mins later i confunted him and explained that i wanted to move to qld with my parents but he said no your not taking my son away, he told his mum my plans and she told him to start picking him up and taking him to her place so that if i do get custody he can say he spends every afternoon with him but realy he sleeps on her couch while she baby sits, i am 16 my son is 6 months and my baby daddy is 19 should i take custody so i can get on with my life

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Heather - posted on 07/22/2010

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so i just went back and read your one post about him hitting your 6 month old. Are you crazy!!! never ever let him or his family see that child until the court makes it!!!! Who in their right mind would hit a 6 month old. They do not understand at that age. He is abusing your son and if you continue to allow these visitations you are neglecting him by allowing the abuse to happen. I realize you are only 16 but you are a mother to that child and need to be responsible. Tell the police what is happening and DO NOT LET HIM SEE THE BABY. What a jerk!!! My sons father is an asshole too but thankfully he has never hit my son. He would never see him again if he did. good luck...please get your baby out of that situation....if he hits a 6 month old baby imagine what he would do to a 3 year old....or 10 year old. This makes me so mad!!!

Heather - posted on 07/22/2010

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UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED...U ALREADY HAVE CUSTODY. HE HAS TO GO TO COURT TO GET RIGHTS TO SEE YOUR SON. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TILL THEN. IF YOU ARE MOVING FOR GOOD REASONS LIKE A PROFITABLE JOB....ECT THEN THE COURT WILL UNDERSTAND WHY YOU LEFT. YOU NEED TO DOCUMENT HIM COMING FOR 5 MIN AND LEAVING. SET UP A VIDEO CAMERA OR A TAPE RECORDER. ANYTHING YOU CAN GET WILL HELP YOU IF HE FIGHTS U FOR LEAVING TOWN....AND I WOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD HIM

Andrea - posted on 07/22/2010

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If he did not sign the birth certificate, he has no real rights. If you want to make it official, you can petition the courts for formal full custody. But really go ahead and move, there really isnt anything he can do.

Vanessa - posted on 07/18/2010

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Oh Sarah - you've seen him for his true colors - PLEASE don't go down that path again!
In Australia chicky - the court doesn't care if he's a lousy father they see everyone as having the right to access. Call Relationships Australia - they offer a free parenting plan service and mediation if needed. If you do move (and YES you can) this parenting plan will be invaluable. You can also include things like he pays for nappies and one day per week childcare etc. ontop of the CSA nominated amount of child support.
Have you contacted CSA? They will determine how much child support he pays and ensure that he does.
Babe - it's not a simple matter of taking custody in this country we live in. Call LEGALAID and they'll help you for free if you need it - but steer clear for now.

Rhonda - posted on 07/16/2010

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Changing a diaper doesn't make him a good father... is the child support court ordered? If it isn't then I would recommend getting that done. My ex does nothing and made claims of paying mnoey he never actually paidbut now that it goes through the courts he has a set amount he's required to pay every month whether or not he wants to because you can go to jail for not paying court ordered child support. It's always beeter to go through the courts with these things when the parents aren't together because then it's all done by the law and in writing so there's no backing out for him. Also if he is hitting your child you need to have him charged with child abuse. He can lose his parental rights for that sort of thing and even get banned from seeing the child. If he is harming the child you need to stop taking him over there and make a police report to justify your actions. As for being lonely and all that, I know how you feel but ovbiously he is a jerk and you do not want him to use the sex against you. Some courts will find in faovr of him on the basis that if you had a problem with him then you wouldn't have slept with him so be careful about that. Also he seems like a pretty crappy father so you don't want to put yourself in the position of having another child with him. From what you are saying I think moving would be a good idea. Removing yourself from the dad made be in the best interest of the father. However if you do and he tries anything or makes any threats be sure to go to the police about it. It's good to have it all documented so he can't lie and deny it. I wish you the best of luck for you and your little one. : )

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Jessica - posted on 02/26/2011

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don't tell him you are moving either until after you do it. and i seriously don't think a judge can say anything about a minor moving with their parents. your parents have a say about where you live. they are your parents. if you parents want to move, no judge is going to say you have to stay. your parents have control over you until you are an adult. i just would not tell him until after you move. and if he hasn't filed a custody order, move before he can. you need to get away from him as fast as you can. you need to stop letting him see your son when ever he wants.

Christina - posted on 02/26/2011

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If you do not have a custody order, then just move. He can't stop you. Once you do get custody, it will state that you have to stay in the area you currently live unless you have permission through the courts to move.

Jessica - posted on 02/25/2011

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you are also considered a minor. if you move with your family, i think that would be okay because you are a minor and you are living with your parents. i really don't think the court can say anything about a minor moving with their parents. i am sure any judge would accept that if he tried to take you to court over it.



also, if he has not been granted visitation, don't let him see the child. it isn't set until he takes you to court and sets up visitation. also, if he has a problem with you moving and you move... he would have to set a court hearing... you would just have to show up and explain. but the chances are, he won't and he is just trying to control you. he is threatening you. that is abuse. don't listen to him. all he does is want to put you in your place and he is holding your son over you to do it... it isn't that he cares about his son. he just wants to tell you what to do because it gives him power. don't let him have it... leave. because it will affect your son sooner or later and you will have worse problems with your ex later on if you don't leave.



can he really take the child and not give him back? i keep reading that... that scares me. where i live, if the father takes the child outside of visitation, that is called kidnapping and he can be charged with it because the mom has full legal and physical custody automatically at birth.

Jessica - posted on 02/25/2011

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in my state the mom has automatic custody of the child. full legal and physical. if the dad kidnaps the kid, the cops will come and get the child and bring it back to the mother... unless it is during a court ordered visitation and the supposed kidnapping is happening at that time, then the cops will say that the child is going to stay until the visit is over. also the dad is not declared the father and has no rights at all until he signs the birth certificate and is adjudicated the father of the child in court. until that happens he has not rights what so ever and can't say where you should live. i don't know what the laws are for your state are. i think you should find out. you could call for a free lawyer advice or look it up on the internet to find out.



i would just go anyway. it does not sound like he will do anything to you. the most that you would get is leaving the state and you would have to move back. you can move anywhere in the state that you want without permission even if you share custody. also different states have different laws. my friend let her children go visit their dad in a different state and because the laws were different, she could not get them back unless he willingly gave them to her. he had them for six months i believe. she finally earned enough money and snatched them back. i think that was Arkansas, but i can't be sure. i live in MN.



you need to do what is best for you and your child. not do what he wants you to do. if you want to move, move. he sounds really unhealthy for you and your child.

Sarah - posted on 02/16/2011

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Well I'm still 16 and my son is 13 months now he is happy living with me alone I never moved but my parents moved to me. A month ago my sins dad came in and took my son from his babysitter while I was out he refused for me to see him and that went on for a week apsalutley killed me they rang docs (My son father and his mother) and told them I'm an alcoholic druggo and that I have all different men around my son... I rang police solicitors legal aide under 18s help line and got advice the cops didn't but did give me the all clear to take him back.. So I finally got my sons nans trust and she let me see him for half hour and I slowly made my way out the front door my baby daddy was watching me but was more interested in playing darts and he just let me go.. I took off to my auntie place and hid there for 5 hours while the cops came looking for me but my sons nan told the cops a stranger took my son when they found out it was his mother they let it go and told lukes nan there's nothing they can do and since that day Brodie( lukes dad) hasn't bothered to see his son again told me he dnt care way I do where I go but his mother will make him go to court so I got legal aid and I'm just waiting to hear from my solicitor..!

Heather - posted on 07/24/2010

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How have you been getting on so far with finding out about moving to another part of the country and what you need to do to get full custody? Keep on trying and good luck to you!

Danielle - posted on 07/23/2010

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just move, he seriously can't stop you from moving, especially when you're moving to be closer to your family. i moved to be closer to my mum when i split from my sons dad, and he moaned that he'd have to get a certain mumber of buses to come see my son (like he'd have wanted me to move 2 mins round the corner) but he had no choice where i moved. as long as you're going to allow certain visits its then up to him and whether he bothers, but in your position he's a rubbish excuse for a male and you'd be better off moving as far away from him as possible. only you know whats happened between the two of you, and you know him better than anyone which makes you the best person to say whats best for your child over anyone else. i'm dealing with someone almost the same so if you ever want to chat, send me a message. sometimes a good rant is all you need to lift the weight off your shoulders x

Crystal - posted on 07/23/2010

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Do your research. You will need a lawyer and it will not be easy. For a parent to get custody is not easy. You need to have a very very good reason why the babys father is unfit to have custody. There are two types of custodies that can happen, but I forgot what they were. So my advice is do your research and get a lawyer if you plan to go that route.

Heather - posted on 07/22/2010

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actually if the camera is in your own home you are not required to tell anyone about it....like those cameras that catch babysitters abusing the kids....its all legal...AND in some states...like mine...if you are a part of the conversation being recorded OR the conversation is in public, u do not have to tell ANYONE you are recording. Also....in ohio if you are not married, the baby is automatically yours....u have full custody. I know this for a fact because I have been in and out of court and I still have full custody just like I did from day one. Check your laws. Best thing to do is get a lawyer and stop talking to/sleeping with him. FURTHERMORE...u are 16...have a 6 month old baby and he is 19??? Does where you live have a statutory rape law??? Aka---he was legally wrong in even having sex with you in the first place. You were 15 when you got pregnant...out here that is a legal situation when the guy is as old as he is. Like I said....check with a local lawyer, most will give free consultations. I basically know about Ohio and thats it...it is different everywhere. But keep that baby safe...no matter if u leave or not. He is the most importnat thing in your life....no man could ever come close.

Alisha - posted on 07/22/2010

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Maybe call the court and explain the situation so you have legal knowledge and can tell him something in case he gets ahold of you.

Alisha - posted on 07/22/2010

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I don't think the mom's have automatic custody of the child, you both would have had to agree on that with a mediator when you decided who would claim your son on their taxes every or every other year (at least that's how it is in the United States). I didn't know that the father was abusive to your son and verbally/sexually abusive to you it sounds like. Don't fall for his lies dear! Get out of town!

Andrea - posted on 07/22/2010

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If you set up a video recorder or tape recorder, you are required by law to let him know that he is being recorded.

Alisha - posted on 07/22/2010

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I think that you should go through the courts to have specified visitation. You can move with your son and if the dad only gets him once a month and the courts agree then you will be fine. He can't stop you from moving, but if he's interested in taking your son sometimes I wouldn't stop him or discourage him because it will hurt your baby in the long run if he thinks his dad disowned him. Maybe tell his dad a few things your son likes to do, he probably just doesn't know what babies like or he could just be lazy! Don't hold it against him because your baby will change into a little boy and maybe his dad would be able to relate to him more. Men are not like women at all especially in how they feel about kids. Some guys just don't know how to show they care about someone and some don't know how to love another person. It will take time, be patient!

Tara - posted on 07/22/2010

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Wow!! Was meant for me to come on here today! I am in a similar situation..I meet with my lawyer at noon...last week was served papers at my mom's house about custody and visitation..my son's father has seen him twice since he was 10 months old and he will be 5 this February...he doesn't pay child support and hasn't complied with the support order to have full coverage insurance on my son...yet, after all this time, he is claiming now he wants to be included in all medical decisions and to have him every other weekend..he doesn't even know my son..it is very frustrating to deal with this situation..i just pray that God will move through this lawyer today..it scares me to even think of my son spending every other weekend with his absent father..and to make it worse..my worst fear is that if I let him go..that I will be the one fighting to get my son back...will be praying for self and all others going thru this type of issue..have a blessed day!

Vanessa - posted on 07/21/2010

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Valerie - here in Aust unfortunately a father cannot relinquish his parental rights til 3 years have passed and there is someone else to adopt in a fathers role. The courts will not allow a man not to pay child support - regardless wether he's been an active participant or not.
Bugger eh

Valerie - posted on 07/21/2010

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Yes. Your young with your parents help you've become a mom at a young age. If he doesn't want to be in your son life ask that he signs his rights over. I'm asking and begging you to keep being the strong woman and mom that you are and not drop out of school. Trust me in the long run it will be worth it. I know your family feels the same way finish school and go to college and make me proud and do something I still want to accomplish. Keeping being you and don't worry about him and put him on child support if he doesn't wanna do it volunterely.do what you gotta do and finish school. Much love and respect in Louisiana. Keep in touch and let me know what happens.

Victoria - posted on 07/21/2010

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sweety i raised both of my kids on my own. i have custody of both of them. i telling you go for custody it will easy your mind.he probly can prove that he been helping you any ways on taking care of baby. go for custody.

Shawna - posted on 07/21/2010

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Most definitely...At this age your son needs you...If he really wants quality time with your son he will have to make the effort...You need to do what is best for you...If that is moving away then do it...You are 16 and need your family as well...The courts will see that...Make sure you document all the time times he came and went...With that the courts will see how uninvolved he is...Hope this helps...From one single mom to another...

Nicole - posted on 07/21/2010

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for sure ring legal aid as i know someone that moved 12 hours (in qld) so same state away from the kids dad and he hadnt seen them for months or even tried to call them and he took it to court and they were made to relocate back.

Tracy - posted on 07/20/2010

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Do what is best for your child and growing up with a bad and dysfunctional relationship between his parents is not best. I left my husband and now raise our three kids by myself (he takes them once a year for an overnight visit) and they are much better off. Especially if you will have the support of your parents if you move, that will be good for your son and for you to find a good path for your own future and your sons. The best thing all of us single moms can do is be happy and fulfilled and our kids benefit from that. Figure out how to create the best life for you and your son and just go for it.

Stephanie - posted on 07/20/2010

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i would say thats where im moving. you can visit whenever u like. when he's older he can stay with u sometimes but im starting a life for us

Jurnee - posted on 07/20/2010

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First check the laws where you live. I live in the us, and I moved from NY to Fl(about 1000 miles)when my son was 5. I had full custody and his father saw him about once a month at the time, I went to the courts beforehand, and they oked my move(since it was for a job relocation for my husband), but I did have to pay for all travel expenses twice a year, for my son to visit his dad. you should try to get legal custody of your child anyway, or as I have with my other ex, joint custody with primary living at my home. This makes it very clear where the child lives and lays out waht the visitation schedule will be. Check the laws in your country and get some kind of legal agreement before you move. It can save you much hassle and attorney costs, and usuaally the mother always gets primary custody.

Julie - posted on 07/20/2010

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The ideal family situation is just that - a family. He has been placed in the middle of a situation that he is new at ... in your home with his child.
Possibly arrange for him to take his son out to do fun things.. and make a list of ideas. It would be great if his folks pitched in also.
Fathers ARE NOT mothers... and you know more about your son than does a vistiing Dad, right? Don't be hard on him AND DO keep the lines of communication open. That is SO important!

Charlotte - posted on 07/20/2010

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your very young you need the support of your family plus it will look better to a court if you have family support round you.

[deleted account]

Run, baby run pack up and leave, your heart will catch up with you. when you get near to your mom go and see a solicitor and get everything written down, here is the hard bit , change your number and do no ring him. let your solicitor do the work for you. oh, find a good mothers and baby group you will soon make new mates and forget the twat. your solicitor can go to court for you if he really wants to, but, i bet the min that the dust settles you want hear from him again. all the best

Susan - posted on 07/20/2010

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Remember Your son is watching what you do and if you make it ok for his dad to treat you and him with out respect than he will grow up and treat woman without respect. You are his only chance to break the pattern of abuse that cycles down through families. Show that you both deserve respect and to be treated with integrity no matter what and you will be raising a son you can be proud of. I was in a abusive marriage and it took watching my kids starting to emulate there father for me to get the heck out! and show them what is acceptable behavior and what isn't My prayers are with you, it is not easy but the freedom you feel when you get your power back is indescribable !!!!!

Vanessa - posted on 07/18/2010

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Oh and thirdly - do you really wanna accept being used and subjected to such sub-standard lovemaking?! Hell No! Hold out for the real deal!

Michelle - posted on 07/18/2010

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So basically, it is his mom's support vs your parent's support. If you can show the patter was established late then you'll still have a better view to the court. Show what you'll be able to do if you can move closer to your parents (go back to school? get better job?) that would ultimately be better for your child.

Sarah - posted on 07/16/2010

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thanks guys last night i went and saw him and things went the wrong way i mean sexually i was lonley and he was being real nice and cuddley he started trying stuff i freaked a bit and he calmed me next thing u know his in and out in less then 2 mins i gave him a strange look and said im not done its been like 30 sec he said to bad for u then i mite as well take u home, i felt so crushed and i felt like a hore he picked off the street, then his mate came round as we were leaving and said wat are use back togeather my x said nope just getting my rocks off she can fuck off now... i feel so dirty and wrong im done with his shit he thinks its ok to hit a 6 month old because its his son, he has payed 50 for the month for child support, i confronted his mum and talked about it with her and she said his a great dad i dont know what im on about she said he changes nappies feeds him and plays with him when he takes him to her place APPARENTLY!!! i told her his never fed bathed changed or played with our son the whole time we were togeather why change now? she said so that when the time comes u have no rite to tell the court that his a lousy father!!!!

Rhonda - posted on 07/15/2010

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Usually being at such a young age and being single most courts consider the mother as full guardian so the dad, unless he is paying child support, really has no say in the matter but if you are feeling threatened by him then I would say you need to seek legal counsel about that. If your child's father really wants to see his son he will figure a way to do so. My daughter's father tried that with me but I moved while I was pregnant and so far he's only seen her once when I took her down there and even then he didn't want much to do with her. He cannot force you to stay there or leave your son with him unless the court ordered him to have visitation. I'd say if there's anything you aren't sure about on what your legal rights are you should seek legal advice and find out for sure. Every area has their own laws but 99% of the time if two people have a child out of wedlock the mother is automatically considered to primary custodian of the child unless the father goes to court and they decide otherwise. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

Allie - posted on 07/15/2010

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What you do is take your son where ever it is you want to take him. Sounds like baby daddy is a loser. You are the mother and you have baby and it is your job to do what is best for baby, if that means moving...DO IT. Then if he wants to take you to court, let him. You are already the primary custodian. You do not need his permission, just go, and if you have to do it in a sneaky way then so be it. Best of luck to you.

Ellen - posted on 07/14/2010

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check your laws. where i live, without custody set by court, 1)the parent who has the child in their possession at the time of filing has custody until court decides 2) without custody you have nothing to fall back on when it comes to visitation 3) if he takes the child away there may be nothing you can do. most places will allow you to move as long as they are notified of new location. getting custody of my daughter was the best thing i ever did even though i have never needed it ( he hasnt seen her in 8 years but i have the law on MY side if he would ever try anything). and since he didnt show for court i was granted full & sole legal and physical custody, he can only see her when,where and for how long i say.

Tina - posted on 07/14/2010

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i was going through that same problem my ex take to court explain to the judge wants going on that he not spending anytime with his son and go from there

Tiffany - posted on 07/14/2010

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girl just move!... no one can stop you... i moved a 1000 miles way from my childs father... If he wants to take you to court he will not win!... Custody almost always goes to the mother!... They cant do anything to you if you decide to move especially if it is making your childs life better!!

Stephanie - posted on 07/13/2010

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They would have to show proof that the father is in a stable enivronment with a stable job and that he can provide things for your son in order to have full custody of the child.

My son is on the Autism Specturm and I went through a lot with my ex and his new wife (married two months not even after our divorced was finalized ). Of course since I had a 3rd shift job and he was 1st shift we had share parenting. It was hard on my son for his behavior increased. Finally when I got the money to take ex back to get full custody...him and his wife were trying to make it look like I was an unfit mother by saying I had all these guys coming over in front of my son (which I haven't dated much and they did not come around my kids at all) and that I had 12 jobs and so on. Him and his wife make it look like they are such a perfect couple and they do no wrong in overall his wife was calling my number saying nasty things on my machine and threaten me and it was played in court ( I recorded all the messages). I got full custody, because my ex failed to tell everyone about those 12 jobs is when I was working two jobs at a time while he worked one and played in bands (while we were married). Plus I have been in the same housing for the past 4 years, while he has moved around quite a bit.He did not care too much about what happens with our son at school and I did. He couldn't even remember the names of the teachers that work with our son.
So overall he has to have proof that he can provide a more stable routine for your son and envrionment.

Vanessa - posted on 07/13/2010

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Sarah- my hubby moved from Canberra to Brisbane with his daughter and in order to have that work, relationships Australia help you negotiate a parenting plan (later on this can be turned into an order)
He can still have visitation - if you take bub 86% of the time, this allows him plenty of time for visitation. You can negotiate all sorts of things, like you might travel with bub back to NSW if he pays the fare - there are many options.
Here we can't go for 100% custody - that's false and no such thing really unless he's a proven crack head junkie - and even then for a court to not allow visitation, he'd have to be shooting up infront of bub or something like that!
Private message me if you'd like - I've got 100% of my son and I can help. Just avoid lawyers and try mediation first - its free!

Chalita - posted on 07/13/2010

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I would strongly suggest that you find out what your rights are as far as moving from one part of the country to the other. While you are finding out that information, you should also find out how to go about getting full custody of your son. I have no clue what the laws are in Australia as far as custody, so you should call where ever it is you need to, to find out the answers to your questions. While you are finding out the answers to your questions, also ask what recourse he and his family have as far as taking your son away from you. Good luck and stay strong. Doing what's best for your child is the beginning of getting on with your life.

Sarah - posted on 07/13/2010

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but i would be going from australia nsw to australia qld thats a fair way and he would prob only see him once a year on holidays

Loriann - posted on 07/13/2010

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LISTEN I MOVED FROM VERMONT TO KENTUCKY, HE SAW HER EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. NOBODY CAN TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN LIVE. HIM OR THE COURTS. NOT IN VERMONT OR KENTUCKY ANYWAY. DO WHATS BEST FOR YOU BOTH AND IT WILL ALL WORK OUT

Lika - posted on 07/13/2010

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yes i was told if your rights are not established the father can take the child

Sarah - posted on 07/13/2010

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he got in my face and told me that he wont let me go and that him and his family will go to all hights to get full custody if i try anything he said if i wanna be a bitch well he can be a cunt....
his family never go out of there way to see him i dont have a liscence to take him to them they can come see him or take him for the day but no1 bothers my ex's father has seen him twice and his 6 months now

Kawaiiana - posted on 07/13/2010

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sweetie can move on with your life anyway. in a court he will have to show that he is providing for the baby and even then he will just get arranged visitation he can not stop you from moving somewhere else.

Amelia - posted on 07/13/2010

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heya im 18 years old i had my son at 16 a week b4 i had my son his father left he has no form ofv contact which is reali good due to him mainly not wanting to and me never pushing it but im sure if he did hed act tha same way as the father ofv ur child is, so my opinion would be yes ifv hes not really acting like a father then why bother with him your obivosly doing ur best to make sure ur child is raised with postive lovling people in his life soo good luck to u :)
mia

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