should I give my baby her dad's last name if he doesnt wanna come around?

Janet - posted on 06/04/2010

you do know its easier with a girl than a boy, a boy will carry on the family name, when I had my son, his dad got upset I didnt give him his last name, but he had alres]ady sgowed he wasnt gonna be there, in and out through the pregnancy. where my parents were always there. they had 4 girls no boys, so I gave my son our family name, a boy to carry on the last name. when I got married, my daughter was 17, and my she and my husband kepi ieasing that he was going to adopt her, and he really wanted to. But at least girls will get married and their names get changed anyway!

Vivian - posted on 06/04/2010

I was in the same boat, and opted to put my daughter on my surname. I felt that my daughter would 1 day start asking why she has a different surname to me. How (as painlessly as possible...?) do you explain to a little child that she has her father's surname, when she doesn't even know who he is or what he looks like. Part-time/convenience fathering does not entitle him to such an honour. Well, that's my opinion. But, like Wanda said... As much as I (as an adult) detest my daughter's father, I have never & I will never badmouth him in front of her. My opinion is mine, she can form her own as she grows and learns. But for the moment, she is all mine (he's moved to another country & wants nothing to do with his child..), and so the life decisions are mine to make...whether they are easy or difficult.

Chin up, it will all work out for the best in the end.

Janet - posted on 06/03/2010

I didnt with my kids, with ner dad he wasnt around at 17 we went to court, and he was proved her father, his name was getting put on her birth certificate but it didnt change on her birth certificate. my grandsons. my daughter put her last name and their dads last name, and now they are splitting up, so if he doesnt step up, his name can be dropped!!

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2010

I absolutely think that you are NOT wrong. My daughter has my last name and will always have my last name. You can explain to her later if she asks why you made whatever decision you made. A father is someone who is there and who raises the child, not just makes the baby. If there comes a time when he decides to participate, and not just when it is convenient, you can always have her name legally changed on the birth certificate. I hope this helps you out in some way. A lot of single mothers go through the same thoughts, some go one way and some another. Always check your own motives, though, and definitely have a sounding board (which it is obvious by the number of responses that you do here).

Aurora - posted on 06/03/2010

I think we sometimes think of things too much. Its just a name, eventually wethere we like it or not, our kids will want to know about their father, and they might even go out and look for them, doesnt really matter on the last name to me. If he's not there then she will know on her own. If hes there part time, she will also know. Doesnt matter how we try to keep it from them, kids now days know more than we do. Its best to just think about it really good and make the decision that only you know will be the best for the both of you.

Sharon - posted on 06/03/2010

i didnt even hesitate to give her my families surname, my daughters father has seen her once, and shows no interest at all. i would strongly suggest you rather give your child your surname, bearing in mind at anytime you can change the surname if you feel fit - hope you find closure to this matter

Wanda - posted on 06/03/2010

as a child who grew up with out her father wanting to be there (my mother and gave our father a chane to be arolund), im going to give you the advice that out mother gave us... give him the chance to be there. dont bad mouth him around your child. it might be hard. it might seem piontless, but give your chiud the freedom and the choice to develop their own oppinion about his/ her father... this is one of those things that truely work themselves out... example... my brother and i found out that he really doesnt want us to be around... it might be hard and painful to watch, but my father pushed me away a(literally). he will be the one to pay forf his mistakes in the long run... it hurts and theres alot of questions. but he is the one who has to live with his mistakes...

Nicoscia - posted on 06/03/2010

I also wanted to say that if the father is not going to be around then you should do as you feel with the last name issue. Your last name may be better for the both of you.

Erica - posted on 06/03/2010

NO NO NO NO NO , i would not do that ever i never thought about my daughter 'spern doner' last name i call him that because he was never around what so ever he was there when he didnt know i was pregnant than when he found he was there for like 2 weeks than we broke up.so i would not your the motehr you make the decissions of your child.

Nicoscia - posted on 06/03/2010

I agree with Hannah. Making decisions about the baby on your on will probably make the situation worse. But you should talk to him and see where he stands on being a part of your daughter's life. Just talk it out and with in that conversation, you may be able to tell if he is going to be there or not, especally if you really no him.

Annalee - posted on 06/03/2010

If he is absolutely is not planning on being around then no. And if he would ever change his mind then you could always have her last name changed

Lorena - posted on 06/03/2010

After divorcing the father of my kids, and him not being around or paying a dime in support , I took it to court to ADD my last name legally. Now they will have a choice on which to use, you don't have to hyphenate, you can just add both, so legally they can use either. If you know he's not going to be around, there is NO reason to use his last name... Good luck!

Rochelle - posted on 06/03/2010

i am in the same boat. my daughter has my last name because her dad is not in the picture. and i know that he is never going to be. you have to do what you feel is right. my daughter will be keeping my last name. it makes it easier on me and when i told her dad that was what i was going to do he didnt care either way. i dont think you are wrong for doing what you are doing

Stacy - posted on 06/03/2010

i would suggest maybe a hyphen between yours and his last name. I wish i had done that with my kids as they now have his last name and not mine. I would change their names but the father wont give permission and it is very expensive. Also as your daughter grows up she knows who and where she came from and her name is unique and specially hers.

Holly - posted on 06/03/2010

i dont think you should give her his name, you will most likely regrate it later. if he doesnt want to be apart of her life than he shouldnt get the privelege of her name. i had the same issue and i was lucky enough that the dad didnt care enough that he never signed the birth certificate, and im thankful for that as he is no longer in my sons life and i hope it stays that way. children are a gift and if they dont want that then its there loss, maybe if he decides to grow up and be a man and see what a great honor it is to be a father than you can always have the birth certificate changed.

Heather - posted on 06/03/2010

I wouldnt, it should be a honor for the baby to get his last name, if he doesnt want to be around or help than he doesnt get the honor.

Heather - posted on 06/03/2010

I am goin thru this RIGHT NOW. I beg u to NOT give his last name. I regretfully did and he's not around so now I'm paying a lawyer hard earned cash to have my son under my name. If he's not around there's no reason y he should have his last name. ANYTHING could happen. Don't do it til ur married .... Whether its to the father or any other man. My lawyer said it would be better to have the moms last name for school but also less confusion if he will never b around. I can't tell u how much I regret puttin his last name instead of mine. Hope this helps!!

Stephanie - posted on 06/03/2010

i just had a little girl back in dec 2009 and i gave her his last name and now i wish i had not done it because now he doesnt want anything to do with her and now i have to go thue this long thing to change all of her stuff to my last name it is a bunch of crap so dont do it unless you know for sure he wont leave you and not want anything to do with her

Ashley - posted on 06/03/2010

Don't give your baby girl his last name. The number on reason because you will be the one raising her the most, taking her to school, dealing with Dr's, ect..... My friend and her mom had different last names and it caused problems. AND DO NOT hyphenate her name... i did that with my son... stupidest idea ever! Good luck with your baby girl! they are presshhh

Elizabeth - posted on 06/03/2010

In the end it is your decision but I can say that I gave my son his father's last name and he is not even in the picture. Do I regret it no, because to me it is just a name. Even though alot of you will say that a name says a lot about a person. Will it make you not love your child any less if you gave your daughter her father's last name, no it won't. Will it make her a bad person because she has her father last name, no it won't. What I am saying is whether she has your last name or his last name she will still be loved, whether he is there or not. Base your decision on what is in your heart, not on what is in everybody else's heart. See we as moms, when we get angry at the father, should stop using our children as an anchor. My son does not understand what difference it makes that he has his dad last name, he is only a child and we need to stop using our children and take out the anger on their fathers.

Chelsea - posted on 06/03/2010

I gave my son his fathers last name, even though we are not married, and I was in fact expecting him to be around and he hardly was for some time. Now he is, a tad bit, but it is minor visitation and I completely dislike having given him his last name. I am the one taking care of him mostly, and he is a part of my "family." I have even begun looking into how to change his last name because I want to share mine with him.

Hillary - posted on 06/03/2010

Do not give her his last name.. She will wonder why you two have different names, and if you are not sure if he will be in the picture I would not do it at all...

Larrycesa - posted on 06/03/2010

I can totally relate where you are coming from. I put a lot of thought into my daughter's name and I thought it was so special, and it still is. I mean even though her daddy is not in her life. He does call to check in on her every once and awhile. He unfortunately, never grew up during us and he thinks that it's ok to be in and out as he pleases which is NOT healthy in my book not just for my child but any child's life like that. Although sometimes I am disappointed and think about changing MY last name to match hers so that she doesn't have issues in school I think I did the right thing and gave him some part of our daughter because his sperm didn't do anything! She is my clone hands down!

Laura - posted on 06/03/2010

You don't have to give the baby his name at all. None of my kids have their fathers name. If he's not gonna be around then there is no need for her to have his name. In-and-out parents are the worst.

Heather - posted on 06/03/2010

I am not with my daughters father. My lawyer told me not to give her his last name. That gives him automatic rights to her. That doesn't have anything to do with child support, but for some reason if he ran off with her, you would have to fight for her back, as you and him will have the same rights as the other by giving her his last name. That's not even half of what all giving her his last name intitles him.

Lisa - posted on 06/03/2010

no stand your ground . if he don't come around forget him . the baby should have a last name that they will be proud to have .not a name that says hey i got a name from some one that don't care about me

Denise - posted on 06/03/2010

in the same boat right now! well i stop thinking about me. think about ur baby and later on would she want to have her dad name or not. i didnt befor but now that he step up he helps but i being waitng to give her his name over 4 months now he hasnt give me the papers that i need so if he dont by this month for get it

Leesa - posted on 06/03/2010

I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do. Whether you decide to do it or not, does not change the fact that he is the father. I debated with that myself and decided to give my son his father's last name..he is after all, his father. something else to think about...my son always wanted to have my last name because his brother and I share the same last name. I guess he did not want to be left out. Good luck on your decision.

Alexia - posted on 06/03/2010

I wouldn't. I did knowing he was flaky and sure enough he disappeared when she was 3 months (she's now going on 10 y/o). Now I'm left to explain why her last name is what it is and no one there to validate why. Give the baby your last name and keep it moving...screw him!

Tracy - posted on 06/03/2010

I gave my daughter her dad's last name and regret it. I hyphenated it with my maiden name. Wish I would have just used my maiden because I am now going to change my name back to my maiden. My name was never her father's last name. Long story....Use your last name or your maiden name if it is different.
Sarahsmom

Lori - posted on 06/03/2010

I gave my daughter her dads last name, then he left town & doesn't call, visit or anything. She just turned 2 & now I am stuck trying to change her name back. My advice would be "don't do it"

Amy - posted on 06/03/2010

i gave my daughters last name and i wished id ata least had my last name with it... so with my son thats exactly what i did... my son's last name is his fathers and mine...

i would do that, your last name and his, othereiwse JUST yours

Rachel - posted on 06/03/2010

My advise would be no, don't give her his last name. I did when my daughter was born and it ended up being a big mistake. She related to me and thought my last name was her's so when she started school she couldn't understand why she had to go by his last name. I ended up getting her last name changed, but it ended up costing me quite a bit of money, because he wanted to fight it, even though he didn't see her. Much easier to just give her your last name to start with!

Lisa - posted on 06/03/2010

Children who are brought up without there dad around can have many questions and feelings especially when it comes to names. Having the same last name as the parent who is raising you gives the child a sense of belonging so if he is not going to be around I would give your last name to her. Just makes it easier all around.

NormaLinda - posted on 06/03/2010

Consider this.... If you give her his last name, and claim him as her father on the birth certificate, then should you die in some sort of accident, the court will turn her over to him. If you dont, then you need to make a Will and make sure someone you trust will be taking care of her if you pass away.
just a thought......

Tammy - posted on 06/03/2010

in some states the father has to be there to give his permission. in my opinion if your not sure he will be around i would not give the child his last name

Yhomaira - posted on 06/03/2010

I advice you that if he isn't going to be around I say no dont give her his last name. Do put him in child support though. I am with my daughter's father and because I am with him I decided to put his and mine last name Tovar-Matos. ;)

Tara - posted on 06/03/2010

I do agree with you on that. He has a track record and everything. However, I would hope you have a will and that in it you list the name of your child's biological father so when they are older if they choose to seek him out they can. Also, your situation is different then the one here as it appears he already knows that this child is in existence.

Carina - posted on 06/03/2010

i'm with Jessica on this one, its not selfish at all to 'not' give the child the fathers name. I have friends who are single dad's and single mum's, so I am not about to beat up on the dad's, as I know some awesome dads. U can have the fathers last name and still not get child support if they know how to get out of it [personal experience] - so dont worry about the money at all when it comes to the name. Which family is raising the child? Thats the name.

Sheri - posted on 06/03/2010

I have twin boys, they are now 6. I have never been married...and their father is not a big part of their lives. They have his last name, because I felt they had the right to that legacy. I would not do that differently. As they get older, should they choose to change it, it will be their choice...it is eaiser to change it to my name than to their father's later on.
I also have a younger boy...3...he does not have his father's name...he is all mine. His father has never seen him...by choice. I have no remorse or guilt their either...I made both choice based on the respect I had for the father of my children...what feels right?? Life is less confusing when you and your child have the same last name...a lot less confusing.

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2010

Child support is not an issue for me, its mothers rights, which you seem to have very little concern over. The custodial parent, in most cases, the mother, should have more rights, as their responsibility is greater, their burden of cost is greater, and their love for their child is greater.
A man is REQUIRED BY LAW to pay child support. No one can force him to be a father, but he is REQUIRED BY LAW TO PAY FOR THE LIFE HE HELPED CONCEIVE.
However, I am a big supporter of cutting the man out of your life if you can afford to. I don't believe men who don't want their children deserve any rights.
I cut the father of my child out entirely, and I will NEVER regret it. I have secured my rights and thus ensured the safety of my child.
Giving a child its father's last name makes it susceptible to paternal kidnapping and makes it more difficult for a mother to travel with her own child and move with her own child. If your child has your last name, you will be asked a lot less questions.
Furthermore, a man who does not willingly accept the duties of a parent does not deserve to have his named passed on. That man is nothing short of a child abandoner, and courts forcing him to pay child support does not make him a good man who deserves to have his name live on. Give me a break. Men who abandon their children should be sterilized (in all fairness, I would impose the same rule on women, but it happens far less often with women), they should count themselves lucky if the worst they get is to not have the child they abandoned share their last name.

Tara - posted on 06/03/2010

Where I live, it is just as easy if the child has a different last name. I do agree with your statement about commitment and marriage. However, it goes both ways. Women shouldn't be having babies when they are not in a committed or marital relationship and if they do they should be fully prepared to reap what they sow. Part of the reason I receive no child support as part of my divorce. I don't need a man to take care of me or my child. I can do it 100% on my own.

Erin - posted on 06/03/2010

I chose not to give my son his father's last name because I knew that his father is a dead beat dad. he has 2 other children with 2 other women. I was with him and did not think I could have children because the doctors had told me so. If i knew that was a possibility, i would not have been with him. his father is also a drug addict and an alcoholic. Not notifying him that i was pregnant was the best thing that I ever did.

Tara - posted on 06/03/2010

This question had to do with the child's last name, not child support. I can definitely tell what kind of parent you are when all you seem to care about is how much money you can get for you kids.

Murrae, talk to an attorney in your state and see what they say. In some states the judge will rule for a change of name to the father's last name if the father requests it.

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2010

It is not selfish to "deny" a child his father's name. Why would a child want the name of a dead beat who doesn't take care of him?
Give your baby your last name. It is disrespectful to your family and yourself, and the work you will be doing to raise this child without the help of the father, to give a child a dead beat dad's last name.
It is disrespectful to the child to give him the name of someone who didn't want him and doesn't love him. Why not just give the child a made up last name? It will mean as much to the child as the name of some dead beat who didn't want him.

Bente - posted on 06/03/2010

my reasoning is if the child is living with you its easier to have your last name and if the fella wants her to have his last name there's a little thing called commitment and marriage then you can change her last name to be the same otherwise there really is no rule saying the child must take the fathers name we are strong independant women these days our names are just as important as theirs

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2010

You still have to do a DNA test no matter what last name you give your child. Unless, of course, the father does not dispute paternity. If he does dispute paternity (if he says "I don't think this baby is mine") HE has to pay for the paternity test, not you.
Let me repeat YOU CAN STILL GET CHILD SUPPORT IF YOUR CHILD HAS YOUR LAST NAME!!! In some states, in fact, it is illegal to give your child his last name unless you are married to him. You can still get child support in every state and territory of the United States.
Please, please, please, check out the site www.SinglePregnancy.com for more info on this matter. It will help to clarify all your rights.

Tara - posted on 06/03/2010

I forgot to add that the last name does not give or deny a parent their rights. A parent has rights just because they are the child's legal parents, irregardless of the child's name.

Tara - posted on 06/03/2010

Anyone who chooses not to give their child the father's last name for any reason besides the father's rights have been terminated is selfish. It is the child's right to have their father's last name and carry on that name. I know all about child support. I have worked in family law cases for the past 4 1/2 years (I am NOT an attorney) and know that child support is a joke. The issue of the last name has nothing to do with child support. But both child support and last name issues seem to never be decided based upon the best interests fo the children but that of the mother instead. It is selfish and wrong. Period.

Emily - posted on 06/03/2010

If he's not going to be around, and you will be her only parent, give her a name that reflects that. Your daughter will be happier sharing the last name of the only parent it sounds like she will know. She will be less confused if she shares the name of the parent who wants her instead of the one who doesn't. I just went through a divorce and my kids (all teenagers) want to change their name with me because their dad is no longer around and they don't want to share a name with someone who hurt them so badly and won't ever come to see them. I hope this helps.