Should I give the baby my last name or the father's last name?

Nicole - posted on 01/07/2009 ( 170 moms have responded )

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I am 21 weeks pregnant, and recently left the father of the baby. The father goes to the few appointments that have been scheduled but has nothing else to do with the baby. He doesnt ask question, doesn't know that the baby is kicking... basically he is NOT involved except in Public. I have a low paying job, but still manage to buy the crib and other furniture. I know that my family is there to help me in any way they can, so why isnt the father! He makes comments saying he is going to be the BEST dad ever. So when does fatherhood begin. So far he is not a dad in my eyes. So my question is, should I name the baby with MY last name or the Fathers? If the father isnt involved now, then how do I know he ever will be?

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Holly - posted on 08/22/2011

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I guess I am old fashioned. I gave my kids their father's last name. I had my first two boys and gave them his last name, but my third, my daughter, was a big suprise. My husband and I were separated and he wasn't there when she was born and when she was 5 months old, he moved across the country. I still gave her his last name even though she has never met her dad. She is now 14. He died when she was 5, which I guess makes it easier to talk about him in a positive light. I hear people talk about how father's don't take responsibility for their children and it is very true. Especially in my situation, but even though I am mad and know he would have been a horrible father had he decided to continue living, he is their dad. And my children will always love him forever. It is now the only thing they have connecting them to their father. I am glad I made the decision for them to have his last name.

Terri - posted on 09/05/2011

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Give the baby your last name!!!! No question!! I didn't....and now that I have a 5 yr permanent restraining order on him and he's out of the country.... His family that lives less than 5 miles away refuse to have any contact with my child... I have no idea why...they will not return emails or calls! So this past 6 months, I went through the legal system to change her name to my last name. It's a pain in the butt..... And if you should ever get back with the father, you can change last name to his...but to be safe..... give the baby yours!!!

Dawn - posted on 08/24/2011

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The baby should always have the mother's last name. Which means whatever your last name is at his birth that is the baby's too.

Annie - posted on 09/12/2011

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i was married at the time i had my daughter. she has my maiden name as one of her middle names and her father's last name. THIS DOES NOT MAKE HER PATERNAL FATHER ACTUALLY BEHAVE LIKE A FATHER. There is nothing in a name. if you want to give your child your maiden name and the Dad isn't around - DO IT. if he comes back into the child's life at a later point the name will make no difference - i just realised this post is from 2009.... i wonder how you named your child ??

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Carol - posted on 09/12/2011

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i agree with deanna... depending on your situation, if you need help, sometimes its easier when the baby has the mothers name... i went through a big mess when my son was born.. my mom always told me i shouldve given my son my name.. but, as it turned out, the dad is a wonderful father.. honostly.. when things arent working while your pregnant, they most likely end up messy after the baby comes... with the baby comes new stresses and responsibility, which sad to say, some guys arent ready for..

Terri - posted on 09/05/2011

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Give the baby your last name!!!! No question!! I didn't....and now that I have a 5 yr permanent restraining order on him and he's out of the country.... His family that lives less than 5 miles away refuse to have any contact with my child... I have no idea why...they will not return emails or calls! So this past 6 months, I went through the legal system to change her name to my last name. It's a pain in the butt..... And if you should ever get back with the father, you can change last name to his...but to be safe..... give the baby yours!!!

Tarniah - posted on 08/21/2011

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YOUR NAME hands down!! All of my kids have my surname and I don't regret it one bit... Unless he is there to support you and your bub 100% and there is a ring on your finger then don't give him the privledge.

Jaclyn - posted on 08/19/2011

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I think your child should have your last name, you will be the only one who knows her/him and you will be the one taking care of your child at least most of the time if he does come around. That way if you get married someday your childs name can follow you. If you use your name it can get changed without issues if you use his it will be very hard to change your childs name from the fathers it would be very hard to do so the father then would have to agree with it and if he did not you have to then get a judge to agree again i say YOUR LAST NAME

Brittany - posted on 08/18/2011

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My mother gave me her last name-- and before my father passed away, I never met him. He didn't know my name, or if I had even been born yet. I never got problems for having my mother's last name-- your child will not have any problems if you decide to give him/her your last name.

Holly - posted on 08/15/2011

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well i was in your shoes with both my kids my first son's "sperm donor" as i like to call him he and i split up when i was just a few months along and well i went through the whole preg. no help from him and then about a year and a half after my son was born he popped back up and all he wanted was some ass sorry to say that but any way i did not give my son that jerks last name because that man did not desearve to have his last name on my sons name and my first son had my madien name then my second son's father was there the whole preg. did not really do much for me or the baby,he did not go to any of the doc. visits and then when i went in labor he did not show up until i was in full fledge labor ok that did not help i was so mad at this guy he just was not supportive of my preg. so yeah when it came time to name my son i told him that my son was going to have my last name he was ok with that and then when my son was 4 months old he and i split up and well he blamed me for my sons last name he said it was my fault that my son did not have his last name and he said he was never going to pay child support for a child that did not have his last name i looked at him said "screw you" and go away and well i also told him i did not want or need his money and then he tried to tell me come hell or high water he was going to take my son from me and i told him good luck on trying to take my kid because he was not supportive during or after my kid was born and i told him he would never have any custody rights and well that was over 4 years ago and well all i can say if you do not plan on staying with this un-born childs father then i say do not give that child that mans last name because if you do then that may give him a leahway on getting some type of custody rights to the child because i was told it was a good thing i did not giveeither of my son's either one of my ex boyfriends last names because they can not have any custody rights to the kids because they have my madien name (last name) and they do not have the biological fathers last name so yeah i have full custody and they have no rights to my kids i hope that helps you somehow on making a choice just remember if you do not plan on staying with the man then you might not want to give the kid his last name just saying

Athena - posted on 07/10/2011

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for some fatherhood starts the moment they hold there child and for others not till they grow up. I had the same problem. You have to look deep inside of your heart, for me i give my daughter her fathers last name bc i wanted her to have a part of him with her always. At most you can do both it worked for my cousin and her sons last name. Good luck and ur only at 21wks so you have some time to see how he does maybe as he gets closer you"ll see a change.

[deleted account]

Give your baby your last name. I made the misteake of giving my daughter her fathers last name and regret it every day! I really thought it was the right thing to do and that he would remain involved in her life.... but now that she is 17 months old he hasnt seen her in 6 months.



You will never know if he will remain in your childs life and continue to love him/her.... but what you do know is that you will always be there for your child and that you will always love your child.

[deleted account]

i was in the same situation.  i am no longer with his father and therefore since i was going to be the main confirmed parent of my son i gave him my last name.  Less confusion for him and myself and anyone else dealing with us.  It was my choice though and if you choose his last name that is your choice.  Decide what would be the easiest legal/emotional choice. 

Lisa - posted on 01/31/2009

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Quoting Elisa:

YOURS!!!


Yours



 



I split from my partner i left it a few weeks and i went to change my daughters name by solciotors xx

[deleted account]



Quoting Teresa:

 I think that regardless whether the father is or is not physically in the baby's life you should give them the name of the father. This way it is some sort of symbol that they were made out of love and it affirms their existence.



 





Really.  So it's just dad's name that makes the kids feel loved and affirmed?  Give me a break.  Are you even female?  Do you see how that sells you out? 



First of all, names don't make children feel loved.  Parents do.  Grandparents do.  Aunties, uncles, cousins, teachers, friends, etc...  Relationships make people feel loved, not names.



Second of all - marriage is a peice of paper.  You don't have to be married to be a good parent and you don't have to be married to have a true even life long committment with someone.  If it is a true life long commitment it existed without the paper in the first place, right?



I did get married, after my children were born (with my maiden name thank you very much) and it was the biggest queen of stupid moment I ever had.  It changed and improved nothing, didn't last very long, and  I'm now in the process of divorce and my kids will have a hyphenated last name.



They know their dad and despite his many many poor choices and carelessness with his health, freedom, finances, and family - they love him and I know that he does love them.  He's just sick.



I don't think "God" wanted us to get married, or stay married, nope, I don't believe god wanted me to live that way.  God would have had to have been a pretty uncaring god to want three people to live on that rollercoaster indefinitely.  How do you know by the way?  Did he call you?  Email you?  Did he personally hand you that book and tell you that you need to adhere?  Did God send you a text message telling you that it's your responsibility to post online lectures to single moms about how they really should be married and a how a mans name validates a child? 



I think that my name is just as valid as their fathers name and that my kids can be blessed with both and I will continue to hope that whatever entity is up there takes care of their dad and hope that they do someday have a loving consistent and stable relationship with the father that they love.  What I won't think is that my kids or family is less valid without a marriage certificate and I will also continue to not allow people like you to tell me what my higher power wants from or for me. 



If I were the orginal poster (or if I could do it all again) I would just hypenate their names from the start.  He may be a great dad the fact is he has the opportunity to prove that once the baby is born.  Hopefully he will but even if he doesn't you'll be okay.  Even if he doesn't meet your standard of what a dad should be, and trust me I know how frustrating that can be, he still may have something very special and loving with your child.  I work my heart out for my kids I work full time, go to online college full time, and I provide for them and I'm here when they're sick and I'm providing health insurance, and childcare, and packing lunches, and going to dr's appointments, and reading stories, and hearing about their day and while I'm doing the lion's share of the work, I'm getting the lion's share of the blessing too.  They do love their dad though, his being a less than a weekend dad doesn't change it.  And I want to respect and be supportive of their relationship with him, it's important to them and they're important to me. 

Nicole - posted on 01/27/2009

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Take my advice...been there, done it.  Here is the best advice I can give you.  The father is more than likely not going to chage, but you never know, so....give the baby your name and if thigns change, or even you marry him you can always change the babies name.  I did give my daughter MY last name, and then after 3 years, all I heard about was the name thing...I was DUMB and changed it hoping that was the olive branch to have a peaceful family life...NOT!

Nicole - posted on 01/27/2009

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Take my advice...been there, done it.  Here is the best advice I can give you.  The father is more than likely not going to chage, but you never know, so....give the baby your name and if thigns change, or even you marry him you can always change the babies name.  I did give my daughter MY last name, and then after 3 years, all I heard about was the name thing...I was DUMB and changed it hoping that was the olive branch to have a peaceful family life...NOT!

[deleted account]

With my own exspience my children r under my name as i thought about the furture as school etc and the children dont have to ask questions why r surnames different and it depends if u want to be reminded every day of the fathers name as i didnt, just think of the furture and how u feel about being reminded everytime u say they name.



with him being a father he should be they from day one helping u now so to be honest wot ive read he properly wont be intrested but he might be u just got to think if u trust him when he says he will be there as men r boys until proved otherwise love.



And just remember its up to u wot the babys surname is ok,

take care and look after urself.xx

Carla - posted on 01/27/2009

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hi there i had the same issue a long time ago . i did not want my little girl 2 have a different name from me but i also knew the proper thing to do was have her dads name me and my ex partner would oftern row over it so in the end we came 2 a compremise and gave her my name first and her dads second so it was a double barrol name and it did not sound 2 bazar but since then we split up and she does not use her dads name only 4 legal stuff as it is on her birth cert so i am so pleased now that she did not take his name and she is carrying my late dads name through the family

[deleted account]

The father should have pride in his child(ren). Thie whole reason that they reproduce is to have someone to carry their name down. In a way it's a point of pride, or status in life. In my opinion, and I put it into practice with my own child, if the father isn't going to be in the child's life, than he should not have the "honor" of having his name passed down. Even if things do work out with the father, you could always have it changed...

Andrea - posted on 01/26/2009

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When my oldest son was born I was 17 and thought his father, who was 18, would be apart of his life. Now 11 years later his biological father has only seen him 3 times. I gave in to his fathers pressures of giving him his last name. Now I have been in a relationship for 8 years and have 2 more boys. They have their fathers last name. My 11 year old is the only one in the family with his last name. I have wanted to change it to mine but my son declined for years. Now he wants it changed because he doesn't want the last name of a man who has nothing to do with him. He wants it changed to my last name. I say give the baby you last name. If the father is a real father then you can always think of changing it before the baby starts school.

Jane - posted on 01/26/2009

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Give your child your last name. Men have to prove they are worthy of being a dad and a child being given their name, and your baby's sperm donor has done about as much as a test tube so far!! As others have said, it's a whole lot easier to change it to their name later if they prove themselves, but a world of hassle to get it changed from their name.

Samantha - posted on 01/26/2009

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HEY I MADE THE MISTAKE OD GIVING MY FIRST SON HIS DADS LAST NAME WE SPLIT AND NOW HE IS IN SCHOOL SO I GET CALLS LIKE HI MRS GIBSON AND ALSO MY SON CALLS HIMSELF MY LAST NAME....NOW MY BABIES LAST NAME IS MINE BUT AS A COMPRIMISE TO HIS DAD I USED HIS LAST NAME AS A MIDDLE NAME!! SO THERE IS A SUGGESTION USE YOUR EXES LAST NAME AS A SECOND MIDDLE NAME?

User - posted on 01/25/2009

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I would say unless you are planning to marry the father, give your child your last name. Then that way if you ever get married to someone else, you won't have to worry about your child having your ex's name. Also, if he's not involved you'll regret giving the "sperm donor's" last name for your beautiful child...you want them to grow up with a name they can be proud of...YOURS!

Tara - posted on 01/25/2009

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I was married when I had my two boys so naturally they received their fathers last name. If I had been in your situation, I would have at least listed the father on the birth certificate, but I would have used my last name. If in the future the father wanted to take a more active role in the childs life I would have made sure that he was going to follow through and be a real DAD first then and only then would I consider changing my child's last name. I would always let my child know who their father was and when they are ready, give them an opportunity to pursue a relationship if they choose! It's great that your family is there for you and that you have reached out for advice, but only you can make this decision. Deep down in your heart, you know what is best for you and your child, don't let anyony tell you different. God bless!

[deleted account]

I already posted, but I thought I would further what I was saying. I started referring to my little girl, by my last name when she was 5 months old, even though she legally has her father's last name. Its kinda like when you get married and go by your husband's last name but don't go through with legally changing it. My daughter actually thinks her last name is my last name. At pre-school her cubby and everything say "Ryann Millisor" and at the doctor's office it says "Ryann Noelle (Stirling) Millisor" on her forms. I will be getting her name legally changed before she starts Kindergarten (so I've got 2 and a half more years), so that all her official school records will have my last name on them. It helps that her father's location is unknown, we live 2500 miles apart and that he is a complete waste of a person, who can't keep his life together. I think the judge will be more on my side because of all this. I didn't think of the big picture when I named my daughter and you are so make the best choice for now and for the future.

Gillian - posted on 01/25/2009

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Speaking from Experience...I gave my daughter her father's last name as he came around right before the birth.  Since then he has completely disappeared, and if it wasn't hard enough that she looks just like him, she keeps asking me now (at the ripe age of 3) why her last name is different.  So if I could go back and do this again... she would have MY last name.  Not his.  

Wendy - posted on 01/25/2009

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Hi. I'm a single parent of two girls & they haven't got there father's names. because if there not there when you register the birth of your child then they will only put your name. But they do add the fathers name etc, but not the birth Certificate. it just notes for there records. My advice is to put your name not the father who to say his going to be there for you & the baby in yrs to come.



Ashley - posted on 01/24/2009

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YOURS!! dont make the same mistake i did.. now i am in the process of going to court and trying to get the father to agree which hje wont so it will go before a judge... i dont want to keep it his because his dad isnt in his life so when hes 5 and asks where this last name came from and why he dont have mine that will get us on the subject of his deadbeat father who walkedout and dont support him w/ a thing and all i ask fr is diapers! give him yours and in he future if u get marrief you can give him the fathers last name then or even if u dont marry and are yogether and in a stable relationship u can change it to his but dont judt give him/her his lastname cuz it seems like the right thing to do... i made that mistake... now im paying for ir... good luck sweetheart! ASHLEY

Molly - posted on 01/24/2009

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I gave my daughter my last name even though I know her dad wasn't exactly thrilled about my decision. He is involved but very much so a part-time dad. I am so happy we share the same name. She is my family. We are the Maguire Girls!

Larissa - posted on 01/24/2009

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I gave my kids their fathers last name. I now wish I could change it. I am actually considering legally changing their last names. He isn't a part of their life and doesn't care about them he is too busy getting jobs and losing them, taking care of his girlfriends twins and their baby together, and drinking to care about these two. I eventually plan to go after terminating his rights and plan to change their last name to mine. My kids father said he wasn't going to be like his dad (a bum and not active) and that he was going to be a good dad.... I guess a good dad is all a matter of their opinion. I would say go with your gut and give the kid your last name. If he is being a good dad you can always change the last name or hyphenate the last name at some point or even to begin with you could hyphenate it and put yours first (they are more likely to use the first part when they get older).

Kimberly - posted on 01/24/2009

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I was wih he faher of my child and we werent married. I gave her boh of our names. It's kinda long so most places like school or dr go by he first of last names. which is mine. It honors the father and keeps your name aswell. Im happy with my decision. Her father passed away now.

[deleted account]

I was in a situation almost just like this one. Father wasnt around at all, not even to talk to. I suggest using your last name, and not putting his name on the birth certificate at all.  He may not, but later on in the childs life, he could come after that baby and try and take it from you. With his name not on the birth certificate, and not having the fathers last name the child is truely yours. If he wants any rights, as far as the court is concerned, without the name on the birth certif...he will have to proove that is his child and i highly doubt he will bother you with all of those obsticles in the way...Good luck and keep that child to yourself.



 

Alicia - posted on 01/24/2009

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its easiest to give the baby your last name, you can always change it when ever you want. I was 17 when i had my son and he had my last name, further down the line in court we changed it to his fathers last name, it was part of a court agreement. do what you think is right, dont care what other people tell you.

Colleen - posted on 01/24/2009

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Hi, I am a single mom of 3, and a grandma of 1.



My oldest had a baby at 17, the baby is now 6 months and she is still 17.



My advice to you which was the same that I gave my daughter was if you feel the baby needs her dads name, use both. My oldest daughter had her dads only and I changed it to both, once he left us.



More so also.



Will he be there when the baby is born.



If he is not going to be around, 2 things to consider



1. Once the child is in school Do you want to be referred to as Mrs. (dads) name. It is an assumption a lot of people make. If the childs last name is Smith, the mom must be Mrs. Smith. I know personally I would rather be refered to as Mrs. (my name)



2. If you ever want to travel with your child, you will need a consent letter from the father, that would be pretty hard to do if he is who knows where.



Good luck with your decision. My daughter named her baby with my last name only even though her is hyptnated with both mine and her dads. He is a dead beat dad.

Ashley - posted on 01/23/2009

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I went through something similar to this…. You give the baby YOUR last name. If the father decides to stand up and be a real father you can always change the babies name later when he pays to legitimize the child…. I looked at it like this….If he doesn’t treat me well while I’m carrying his child then how will he treat the child when it arrives… I’m not sure what state you live in but in the state of Georgia if you give the baby the fathers name then he would have to give you permission to change it to your last name if you decide or he decides he doesn’t want to be apart of the picture anymore. Also in Georgia you can still receive child support even if the child carry’s your last name. My daughter has my last name and her dad is in the picture now. She is 6 will be 7 in March. However, her last name is still the same. If she chooses to change her name then I will allow that but, sometimes fathers need to step up to the plate and prove themselves before you allow them to be a part when they don’t act like it during the pregnancy.



Mikki - posted on 01/23/2009

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I had the exact same problem, and we ended up hyphenating both last names and I so badly regret it! Use your last name, and don't let him talk you into doing any differently.

[deleted account]

YOUR NAME for sure! I made the terrible mistake of thinking that my ex was gonna straighten up and be involved with my little girl. We had been broken up since I was a couple months pregnant, when he assumed I would get an abortion. So I left and let him think that is what happens. Unfortunately, during my last few weeks of being pregnant he found out and got back in touch with me. Said he wanted to be there for our child, because he didn't want to be like his own dad.

So in the emotional state that I was in after I had Ryann, I gave her his last name. 5 months later he was trying to control every aspect of my life and I decided to just leave. I told him I was going to move back to my dad's (2500 miles away) and that was it. Now I have to go through so much to get her name changed to mine and she will always have to fill in that little part on forms that asks if she was ever known by any other name.

So yeah... go with your name. Its always the safest choice.

Emmie - posted on 01/21/2009

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I hung onto hope and remained optimistic until the very end that my son's father would be active in his life. Because of this I actually opted to give my son his dad's last name.   Although this did not prove to be the case and my now seven year old has not seen his father in over 4 years....I  have no regrets. I am big on not allowing my son to hear the negative opinions i have or anyone else may have about his father and instead when questioned by my son regarding his father, I bring up the good (no matter how few there may actually be). For my son having the same last name as his absentee father is one of the few ties he has to his father...this has proved to be important to him.  If my sons opinion of his father changes and  he would prefer to share my last name I will happily support that then as well.  When it comes down to it... it is just a name. :)  But I must forwarn you... I will admit I do not like the assuption that I have the same last name as my child which sometimes occurs...LOL I am not Mrs. Deadbeat. :) Good luck!

[deleted account]

I was in the exact same situation as you. I however did give my son the father's last name instead of mine...hoping it would keep the jerk involved and hoping for our future. He left me a month after the baby was born. He went 7 months without giving me a dime. And he has now gone 5 months without seeing him. We have been in a custody battle in CA for the last 10 months. I had to garnish his wages and it has cost me $58K now. He's fighting me for 50/50 custody so he doesn't have to pay me a dime. I regret every single day that my son's last name is his deadbeat fathers. My attorney said its nearly impossible and expensive to change the baby's last name after the birth certificate and SS # is issued. They only allow changes to newly married women.

Margarita - posted on 01/21/2009

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its best to give ur baby ur last name, its less drama that way. i know.  if he wants nothing to do with the baby now, then why give him the previlige of having that.

Kim - posted on 01/20/2009

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I would give the baby your last name. I went through the same thing you are going through and I regret giving my oldest her dads last name. Now when I signed up for insurance through work I had to have a copy of her birth certificate just to prove she was mine. If he was interested in the baby then the time should start now!! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Jensey - posted on 01/20/2009

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This is a subject that I struggled with very much.  First of all I would like to say don't make the decision while your angry.  I don't know all of the circumstances of the breakup, but if their is anger or hostility you should wait until closer to your due date to decide.  I have 2 children with different fathers.  My son is 4 and has his father's last name.  I did this mainly because even though he and I were on rocky ground ( we weren't together, but weren't really split up)  I was very close to his family and they were very involved in my childs life and still are to this day.  I actually almost gave my daughter his last name as well so that both would have the same last name, but decided that would be unfair.  My second daughter is my miracle baby, the father and I weren't together, but I had just found out that I had cervical cancer and there was a possibility that I wouldn't be able to have any more kids, and before I had the procedure I found out that I was pregnant.  I tried with the father, but he was aggressive and potentially violent so it didn't work.  I knew nothing of his family and don't speak to him except about my daughter.  It is very possible that she will grow up and not know him, so I decided that she should have my last name.  It is a decision that I struggled with greatly, but I feel that I made the best choice for me.  I wish you the best of luck with this decision, in the end you will know what is best for your baby.  And congratulations!!

Emily - posted on 01/20/2009

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It's totally a personal choice. If you don't want to be called "Mrs. (father's last name here)" when your child's friends come over, then give the baby your last name. It's up to you. You're the one doing most or all of the raising, so don't let him try to talk you into anything. The only thing my son's father does is pay child support. I'm going through the process of setting up supervised visitation because the father comes over to visit hung over and smelling like booze. I let him talk me into giving our son his last name. I know I could change it now, but it seems like a lot of work. My son's only 1 now, so maybe some day I'll change it. But for now, it works. And I've already been called Mrs. Whoever by his doctor's office. It's kind of annoying.

Idah - posted on 01/20/2009

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Hang in there. He might be better. I gave my daughter my last name because her father didn't want anything to do with her. He is starting to come around, but who knows. My daughter will change her last name when she grows old. I love traveling in and out of the country. It will be hard for you to leave the country if the child has his last name. Just do what you think is right..

Christina - posted on 01/20/2009

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My daughter was a micro-preemie, born at 25 weeks. I went through the most horrific trauma etc. (and she is fine and beautiful and healthy now), all by myself, because her dad didn't want anything to do with me while I was pregnant.



I made the choice after her birth to contact him, and he came back into the picture. He, long story made short, was an idiot and didn't sign the paternity paperwork so is not on the birth certificate. THEN he had the audacity to ask me after everything my girl and I went through why, his exact message: "im her dad why dosnt she have my last name" in a text.



As you have discovered, the fact he can make sperm does not make him a father (just like a woman isn't instantly a mother when she gives birth.) It takes time and committment, and if he isn't willing to put it in then why honor that? There are people in your life who sound as if they will be more supportive than he ever will be (and I'm not talking just financially.)



Your baby is yours. YOU are growing him/her and providing everything. You are falling in love with this child on an extraordinary, intimate level. Honor your child and give him/her the precious gift of YOUR last name.



I wish you and your baby the best of luck!

Kelly - posted on 01/20/2009

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Giving my daughter her father's surname was the worst desision of my life. And now 2 years after that wrong decision, we have split up. I have had her name changed by deed poll which has helped lessen the constant reminder of the mistake that I made. I hated taking her to doctors a/dentist appointments and would cringe everytime they called her name

Annaleigh - posted on 01/20/2009

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#1, and most important...do what you want to do. you are the mother. you get to have it your way. now you do have to check on state regulations, although if you aren't married you have more freedom. i'm in MO and i had him sign off on the birth cert, we had a 2 day long stand-off, he finally agreed to hyphenate my son's name....he's long gone, but his family still doesn't acknowledge my half of my son's name. ugh. also check with your state's child support enforcement and talk to them. they can let you know what the states rules are, and if he or you want a dna test....if he wants a paternity test, but also wants control of your baby, don't put him on the birth cert, let the state do the paternity test, then they can add him on. (it also helps if you have any doubt about him trying to kidnap the baby etc.) not to scare you, but it's happened. guys can be weird about control and possesion, while not actually caring about the little person. good luck!

Ghyslaine - posted on 01/20/2009

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You know, I gave my son his father's last name and have regretted it ever since. While it is only a name, I feel that we are missing that sense of identity that comes along with sharing a family name. At the same time, even though the father is uninvolved right now I think that he will become more invovled as time goes on. If this seems a potential than I also think that the child should hold a sense of identity with the father too. It will make the child feel more secure in the long run. Hyphenate.

Karen - posted on 01/20/2009

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I wouldn't advise giving the father's surname unless he has already shown involvement in the pregnancy (there's a lot he could do, set up the nursery, shop for the baby, parenting classes, going to visits, etc). Having the father's surname means that you need to have his consent if you ever want to change that child's legal name in the future (Canada). He can withhold his consent even if he's had NOTHING to do with the child after the birth - and so your kids carry HIS name and not your name or your new partner's name. He still retains parental rights even if he does not have custody.

I'd suggest either: use his surname as a middle name or have two surnames - his listed first (and in common usage use only the last surname - your surname).

Good luck!

Kayleigh - posted on 01/19/2009

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I definatly think you should give him your last name. You are the one who is going to be raising him. I think its special that you and your baby share your last name. If the dad is being flaky then he doesn't deserve the honour of the baby having his last name.

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I am battling with the same decision myself and this is how I reasoned it. My whole family will be there for this baby and is excited to welcome her to the world. I would rather her share that special last name with all these people who love her, as well as myself. You can always change it, but I say put yours!

Kristi - posted on 01/19/2009

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I gave my son my last name and I have no regrets. His father would go in and out of my life the whole time I was pregnant and I couldnt deal with it. It is a very hard decision and I never made my decision until a month before he was born. If you plan on filing for child support, just make sure he either signs the birth certificate or get a paternity test to prove that he is the father, so you have nothing to worry about in the long run. My sons father has also went in and out of his life for the past nine months, and he is finally staying in his life and we are on good terms. You will never know what is going to happen whether or not he will be there that is just the chance you have to take, and I struggled with that for a long time!! Follow your heart and you will make the right decision, and I hope this helped.

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