Should I give the baby my last name or the father's last name?

Nicole - posted on 01/07/2009 ( 170 moms have responded )

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I am 21 weeks pregnant, and recently left the father of the baby. The father goes to the few appointments that have been scheduled but has nothing else to do with the baby. He doesnt ask question, doesn't know that the baby is kicking... basically he is NOT involved except in Public. I have a low paying job, but still manage to buy the crib and other furniture. I know that my family is there to help me in any way they can, so why isnt the father! He makes comments saying he is going to be the BEST dad ever. So when does fatherhood begin. So far he is not a dad in my eyes. So my question is, should I name the baby with MY last name or the Fathers? If the father isnt involved now, then how do I know he ever will be?

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Sheree - posted on 01/08/2009

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i was a single mum for 7 years my first daughter has my last name only because her dad didt want nothing 2 do with her.but my 2nd daughter has mine and her dads last name so we both r happy.

Jennifer - posted on 01/08/2009

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For sure give the baby Your last name. My son has mine and I would never change his name to his "dad's". And it takes most guys awhile before stepping up and acting like a dad. my son's dad still hasn't and my son is now 17 months.

Andrea - posted on 01/08/2009

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I did not give my son my last name and I now regret it because his dad who is not around much at all is aruging with me if i want to change it to another name once i get married



Use yours .... you'll regret it later ... Since the child is going to reside with you it makes more sense ...



i wish i had listened to my family and choosen mine over his dad's ...but i was trying to be nice ...

Tricia - posted on 01/08/2009

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Truthfully, I was in the same position you were at one time. However, decided to give my children their fathers name. Know we are no longer together and going through a nasty custody battle. I was told by my attorney that I would have had more rights to the children had I given them my name. Something to think about.

Kari - posted on 01/08/2009

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I was actually in your same situation.  My daughter's father and I were no longer together during my pregnancy.  He did tell me that he was going to be involved in our lives.  The first and only time he's seen my daughter was when he signed the birth certifcate, which was over 12 years ago.  I some how knew deep down that he wasn't going to be around, and I was ok with that.  For that reason, I chose to give my daughter my last name.  I felt it would be easier for her growing up.  Knowing that he would probably be an absentee father, this would at least give her an identity that she could relate to.  It hasn't been easy for her.  She's had days where she's frustrated because kids won't leave it alone about her not having a dad.  And now that she's older, she has a lot more questions.  But overall I think she is handling it remarkably well.



You mention that your family is willing to help you out.  Believe me, single parenting is a tough job, so take your family up on any help and support that they are willing to offer.  Surround yourself with people who love and genuinely care about you.  You and your baby can't have too many positive people in your lives.



I wish you the best in your pregnancy and your new journey into motherhood.  It's a wonderful life changing event.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.  All my best!

April - posted on 01/08/2009

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hi,, my best friend just had her little biy and was in the same sort of situation as yourself, and she has named the baby with her last name,, if the father cant be bothered from the started then i would guess not going to..... and if the babys father does last name doesnt mean a thing... my two children have my last name and i was married for my first but even married i get my own name,,, it is alot easier as well when they grow up to ahve the same name as you, cause if not they ask why they are different. hope your able to make your own mind up in the end and dont be pressured into anything,,, to wats right for you.

april.x

Annie - posted on 01/08/2009

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Wow I just read through these responses - holy cow.  I don't know if it makes a difference if where in the world you are......



I was married at the time I fell pregnant and so my 4yo has her Dad's last name but my maiden name as one of her middle names (confused????) Anyway, for nearly 2 years of her life Dad lived with us.  One of the responses mentions the father not really being a daddy cause he didn't know the paediatricians name etc.... My ex didn't know squat, including in 2 years only changed 2 nappies (that's it) never fed or bathed her, did put her to bed on occasion when she was strung out cause she was feeding off me (I was strung out due to his problems, but anyway) but basically played daddy but wasnt a true daddy, more of just her father......  Um, these days I would still say the same.  He says he misses her when he is not with her, he says he loves her and wants to spend more time with her, he says i stop him from seeing her when he wants to....yeah right, he works up the road (literally, I could walk there) and sometimes sees her once a week for dinner, he asked on Wednesday night if he could take her to the park for an hour or so on Saturday, I told him she already had plans,  He wants to take her away for a weekend but won't comit to a weekend and then says i have her booked up with birthday parties.  I told him he needed to set a date.



After all that rant, basically you are the only one that can make the decision, but I think you have already made it and are just looking for confirmation.  Suggestions have been made to seek legal advice and I would second, third and fourth that. 



A friend of mine once told me when my ex was threatening all sorts of legal ramifications, "forewarned is forearmed".  Now he comes at me with things he can do legally and I know what is right and what is wrong.



Follow your heart, it will ALWAYS lead you in the right direction ... as long as your eyes are shut so you are not looking through rose coloured glasses.



Good luck and keep smiling - life is going to get better once your angel comes into your life and changes it forever !!

Kelly - posted on 01/08/2009

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Quoting Nicole:

Should I give the baby my last name or the father's last name?

I am 21 weeks pregnant, and recently left the father of the baby. The father goes to the few appointments that have been scheduled but has nothing else to do with the baby. He doesnt ask question, doesn't know that the baby is kicking... basically he is NOT involved except in Public. I have a low paying job, but still manage to buy the crib and other furniture. I know that my family is there to help me in any way they can, so why isnt the father! He makes comments saying he is going to be the BEST dad ever. So when does fatherhood begin. So far he is not a dad in my eyes. So my question is, should I name the baby with MY last name or the Fathers? If the father isnt involved now, then how do I know he ever will be?


In all honesty i would use your last name as im having this problem now ith my twins as i used there dads last name and we are no longer together and if you ever want to take your child to the states or anything they now require a letter from the father if the child has a different last name then yours and its a hudge hastle.

Sue - posted on 01/08/2009

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I had the same issue with my babies dad to some degree and now he is completely out of the picture and he has a new girlfriend he started going out with three weeks after he found out i was pregnant with his kid.



Let's just say without telling you all of the nasty things he said, did and did not do - i have no intentions to have our son have his last name. This gives his rights he does not even deserve. Plus to mention he did not think it was proper the lil guy get his last name as we were never married.



Think the last name issue over carefully!

[deleted account]

I say go with your name with out a doubt. My son's "sperm donor" begged me to give my son his last name and come to find out the name wasn't even his name! Luckily I used mine because the once seemingly Mr Right has proved to be nothing more than Mr. wrong for both me and my son. Good luck

Jen - posted on 01/07/2009

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I have a 1 year old daughter, and was basically left by her dad the day she was born. I just gave her my last name, if he wants to be involved in the future, then you can always change the last name, but, it's always up to you.

Brittany - posted on 01/07/2009

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Wow your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine was. My daughter's dad did the same things! He is crazy about her to this day, but in my eyes he is not "involved." He never asks questions, and he doesn't even know who her pediatrician is. He things being a good dad is teaching her how to swim and telling her how pretty she is. He has NO IDEA what its like to be a parent. Anyway, I gave her my last name and to this day I'm sooo happy I did. You are her primary caregiver, you will take her to the doctor and to school, and since you are not with the dad, why would you want your babys last name to be different from yours? If things work out with him down the road, you can change the name. But I say give the baby your last name...

In California, its just her name. If he signs paternity papers at the hospital, he is still the FATHER, and is responsible no matter what the last name is. Its established paternity that is needed for child support and custody, not the name.

[deleted account]

ps: I also had that same guilt "doing wrong" to my son for having his birthcertificate under father blank...giving him my last name..... but you know what at the end of the day you know what is best for your child and you will know what to do!



im guilt free now cause I know I did what was best for him and him never seeing his dad prived to me that I made the right choice

[deleted account]

From my experiance you should give YOUR child your last name. It makes everything easier as far as paperwork is concerned. 2nd your not married and if by chance you do get back together and marry the dad you can always have his and your last name changed. My son is now about to be 4 months and has yet to see his dad..... he also fed me that BS that he was going to be Mr perfect dad lol.... who was he kidding. I have and will always provide everything for my son with only the help of my great famliy.... hang in there girly it gets tough for a while but that blessing of a child is the light at the end of the tunnel. No one knows the heartache and struggle like another songle mom so if you ever want to vent or have a question ask.... I have been a single mom since I was 16 weeks pregnant BEEN THERE DONE THAT =) mlei81r@hotmail.com   Melissa

Deanna - posted on 01/07/2009

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We did DNA and sperm donor was then listed on the birth certificate. When I was asked about changing my baby's last name... I told the prosecuting attorney very frankly that it would be a cold day in hell before I gave MY baby her sperm donor's last name. You need serious legal advice about this. I don't see how the baby having your last name is going to impact anything to do with child support... Just get a DNA test and the rest will be history and it really won't matter what your baby's last name is as long as you have the DNA results in black and white.

[deleted account]

I went through the same situation. I ended up not listing the father on the birth certificate. For me in Texas, it didn't cause any trouble with the Attorney General to get child support. With us, they just require a paternity test. I would suggest finding a legal aid line that is eitherfree and see what happens if you try to file for child support if the baby doesn't have the father's last name.

Nicole - posted on 01/07/2009

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I really want to give the baby MY last name, but my family has struggled to get custody of my nephew for my brother. My brother has been the best dad to his son, but the system still struggles to see him as a fit father because of accusations the mother has made against him. My mom thinks that I should give the baby the father's name. But she doesnt see how the 2 situations are different. I know what I want to do, but I just dont want to feel like Im doing wrong by my child.

Deanna - posted on 01/07/2009

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It depends on where you live. In some states (like Florida) you can give your baby any last name you choose... My daughter was born in Florida and rather than give her my ex husband's last name (I still carry the ex's last name) or give her her sperm donor's last name I gave my baby MY maiden name. Florida is also one of those states that unless the birth father is there to sign the birth certificate then you can NOT give the baby the birth father's last name. So my advice is to check with the hospital... They would know all about that kinda of stuff.



I, personally, would not ever give my baby her sperm donor's last name as he was never there for us and still isn't. He's never even seen his daughter and just now started paying his child support.

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