should i just move on?? would love some advice!!

Kathleen - posted on 10/24/2009 ( 58 moms have responded )

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ok so... im 19 years old. i have a 20 month old son and im about 5 1/2 months pregnant again.. both children are to the same father.. we were together almost 5 years but about 3 months ago i found out he was cheating on me and i broke up with him.. and he stayed with the other girl. but he was still coming round my house telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me and the kids and yet he was still sleeping with her.. i ended up just packing up and moving i left about 3 days after i decieded to go and i moved to another state to go live with my parents.. i didnt hear from him for about a month even tho i was sending him letters in the mail telling him about his son and sending pictures and ultra sound pictures i still didnt hear anything from him.. about a month after i moved he started txting me and calling me telling me how much he missed me and wanted me to come back.. saying that he does want to get married to me and im the only person he loves.. he told me he had broken up with the other girl and she confirmed it for me so i waited another month and then came back.. once i got back he came to my house to visit but wouldnt talk to me he only paid attention to his son.. once my son was in bed i asked him what was wrong and he said he couldnt look at me because he knew i had been sleeping with other people.. which i haddnt been. then he told me he wasnt in love with me anymore and he was happyer now than he had ever been with me. but he kept saying he wanted to be there for the kids.. even tho it really hurt my feelings i said ok and let it be.. the next time i saw him he told me he wanted to try and work on our relationship and he wanted us to go to councelling together and he said he would love me again because i was the only person he could trust and he wanted to be with me.. i then found out that exact same night he went to the other girls house and had sex with her and said all the same things to her.. the next time he came over he ended up staying for a week saying he wanted to move with me when i moved back to my parents and that we would work everything out.. everything was going fine..but then i told him to go home and if being with the other girl will make him happy that thats what he should do.. he went home and that same day he found out she had been cheating on him.. now he is calling me all the time.. askng me to come over because he doesent want to be alone..he told one of my friends that he loved this other girl and thought she was the one.. but i just dont understand that if he was saying all that why was he also telling people he loved me and that he was going to make everything work out and he would be there for the kids... so basicly what i am trying to figure out right now is.. im moving back to live close to my parents in less than a month..and he wants to come to.. should i tell him he cant come. should i trust him again. should i try and make things work.. i want to be with him but im scared he doesent love me and is just trying to use me because he is lonely.. how do i know if he actually does still love me and isnt just hurt by what this other girl did to him.. he said to me lastnight that he has realized that im the only person that has ever really loved him and been there for him and treated him right.. but is he going to use that just so he can get love and ill get none in return.. will i just get hurt again.. i honestly have no idea what to do.. i dont want to stop him from seeing his kids so i want him to move with me.. but i also know that i wont move on and be with anyone else while hes still around.. any suggestions or similar storys would help me.

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Summer - posted on 10/28/2009

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Move on!!! I think you had another post about his girlfriend wanting to be a part of you childrens life and he did to. It's time to separte yourself emotionally from this guy. Yes he IS your childrens father, no one can change that and if he is willing to be a father figure for them then don't take that away from them. But you have to be strong for yourself and your children. He is going to keep hurting you because he knows he can. He won't ever stop cheating on you, and one day he will find someone else to give him attention and he won't come crying to you when he is "lonely". I know it is hard when you love someone but this hasnt nothing to do with love for him. He doesnt love you. He wants his cake and eat it to. Let him be there for his kids, but don't let him be there or get to you. You do need to work on your selfesteem, he wont have respect ( and he doesnt) if you don't have respect for your self. I almost let a guy treat me almost like your ex treats you but I took control and let him go. I hope one day you will wake up and realize that what he is doing is only HURTING you and non of this is healthy.You are young you have so much to live for now, your children and one day you will find a guy who will love you. So yes move on. Sorry if i'm coming of harsh but theres no other way for me to put this.

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Lauren - posted on 10/30/2009

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He's a bad egg chick and you don't need us to tell you you're worth more than that, you know you don't want your children to see that it's ok for Daddy to upset Mummy and that's how you have to think now! Having moved on from the relationship/emotional tie I had with my daughter's father, it would be easy to say move on but I also know how long the transition from 'partner and father of my child' to 'father of my child' takes! And it took me a year to see him in a different light (and even then possibly because I met someone else), even though he cheated and left me pregnant at home with my parents at 24, cost me a lot of money and doesn't really pay anything for her now... It's only when you go through that transition that you'll stop feeling the pain towards him! You need to let his actions not effect you anymore and be there for your children, I worry he'll do the same to her as he did to me but somewhere in me there's a faith in him! Don't you think we gave them children, the least we deserve is respect! x

Isobel - posted on 10/30/2009

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Living with him and letting him see his children are two entirely different things. You should absolutely let him see them as often as he can, it's good for them and him and you. However, you do not need him in your life...once a cheater always a cheater. I left one, thinking I would never be able to trust or love another man...but I did, and I do... life goes on, and it can only get better from here, right?

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Well i think that you should not let him live with you and not let him back in your life..But let him be a father 2 your kids. Me and my sons father are not together, and he calls me from time to time with that i love you and want to get back together crap but i dont fall for it because, ihave become a stonger woman and have realized everytime ive let him back in he does the same thing and i was tired of be used and abused.So now when he talks that crap it goes in one ear and out the other..and also i let him come and see his son and i never say he cant be a father to his child,(when he does come around-never), but he knows that there is no longer a chance that we wil be together again. Remember this if you let him walk over you all the time it will never stop. you have to be a stong woman for you and your child. and plus i didnt want my child to see his mommy gettin treated like crap and to think that men should treat females like that. THE DECISION IS YOURS, BUT i would leave,hope you decide the right path for you and children

CRYSTAL - posted on 10/30/2009

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baby girl...i went through pretty much the same thing except i only have a daughter...all i have to say is you CAN do it w/o him...yeah the saying goes "it takes a village to raise a child"...but you know what ... your kids are going to be the only reason that you get up everyday...my daughter will be three here come around xmas...yeah its hard...i understand that, but just realize you dont need a man to love you, so you can feel like your being loved...you have family and friends who are willing to HELP...take it promise you that...b/c karma is something else...and he sure received what was coming to him...trust me when i say this being miserable is not a great state of mind...WORRY ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BABIES...

Kristen - posted on 10/30/2009

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I was in the same exact relationship as you 2 years ago.. June of 2008 when we were planning to move in together and get married, i caught him cheating again, and honey let me tell you, that was the last time. Something in me just said he is not worth it and i said goodbye to him. He tried until May of this year to come back but still playin these little games and i held my own and kept pushing him away. A lot of it had to do with the realization that my daughter was sitting there watching me cry and so upset over her dad and i knew that it was not heathly for her or myself. But i will admit it did take another guy to show me that i am worth so much more than being treated the way he treated me. You are beautiful and one day you will find someone who treats you the way you should be treated.. it will take some time to get to that point but you do not deserve this, and neither do your precious innocent children. I hope this helps you and if you need to talk anymore about it you can email me and i will try to help you as best i can!! Good luck! :)

TeKarian - posted on 10/30/2009

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Kathleen, I am married and have been married for 2.5 yrs. We have been thru ups and downs together. We have had our disagreements. But we have been separated for 2 months now. i just found out my husband has a girlfriend as of Sunday. He is upset b/c i will not let the kids come around...I have my reasons and cant no one change my mind on that. i dont trust everyone. I was devastated when i found out and hurt as well. I felt betrayed,deceived and so much more...But you know what I thank GOD for my close friends and my pastor. These are the people that keep me going. Dont get me wrong i still love my husband,but Im not gonna be his fool. he does not appreciate me. So i am doing what my pastor told me to do and that is too move out of the way and let god handle him...Its alot more too my situatio, but i am teeling u this b/c YOU need to MOVE out of the was and let GOD take care of him,its not gonna b easy. GET ON UR KNEES AND PRAY for strength and gudiance and healing!!! As long as you believe and have faith,GOD can fix it. Do not be his fool and let his treat you like that...THE MORE YOU LET HIM MISTREAT YOU AND DISRESPET YOU , THE MORE HE WILL DO IT...I had to learn that and I can guarantee you that I am moving out of the way...He has not called to check on our kids since monday...So I am a very strong woman and I have god as the leader in my life, who fights all of my battles...So keep your head up and love yourself first,before you can love him...Focus on you and your kids... He is not ready to be in a commited relationship,yet alone a MARRIAGE!!! Hope this helps you...

Katie - posted on 10/30/2009

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Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice Shame on me!!!

Sorry love but you are the only one who can make the choice, i was with my ex for 9 years & he had full custody of his son when i meet him (who is now 16) but once we had our own it all changed (2 girls one 5 in Dec & the other 3 in Feb).

The bottom line is they never realize what they had till its gone & they will do anything to get it back. However you are a mum now & will always be. The only thing you need to think about is your own health. You are the one who shows your kids what is exceptable behaviour & do you really wont them turning out like that?

Don't wait till its to late as i did.

He sounds like he is just manipulating you whenever he wonts (like mine still try's) However for my own health & piece of mine (so i can give my kids the best i can) i have to take him to court as he to changes with the weather.

I wish you all the best with your future & you know yourself & what you can & can't handle.

Nannette - posted on 10/29/2009

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honey, move on. sorry to say, u cant be happy and ur children cannot be happy if he isnt faithful. He obviously isnt the one for u. I was a single mom for 11yrs. I learned to love myself, and enjoyed seeing my daughter go up. I was lucky, he gave up all rights to her, it hurt at first. But i didnt have to share her, or worry about child support or visitation. I finally found someone who loves me and my daughter. I hope u will see u deserve better, and so do your kids. I hope u find someone faster than i did, but it all worked out in the end. I wish u the best, but its best to move on and start a new.

Meredith - posted on 10/29/2009

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ok, so i may be going against the grain here. sorry everyone. the way i see it, you had children with this man. i know, now a days it is easy to jump ship and leave your "baby's daddy" because he is a cheater. after reading all of these replies it looks as though every man cheats. i can be pretty sure of that because men are pigs. you need to look at the BIG picture. other than him cheating, what is it that he brings to the table? you love him for some reason or another, right? what are those reasons? does he have a good job? does he make you laugh? is he your friend? if the good out weight the bad, then give him a chance. you guys are soooooooo young. it's amazing that you are going through this and you aren't old enough to go to a bar. i think that you need to work on this, seriously. it is not easy raising children on your own, even with a family support system. at some point your parents are going to get sick of watching your kids. just wait until you can go out and they tell you they aren't there to watch your kids so you can go get drunk with your girlfriends. you can still have self esteem and be with him. don't beat yourself up becasue you think that taking him back will make you look bad. forget what people might think. it's not their life, it's yours. the fact that you are still debating on whether or not to take him back, means you still love him. so go with your heart. understand that he will cheat, but he will grow out of it. at that age guys have sex with anything and everything. he says that he "loved" that girl. haha. he doesn't have any concept of what that means yet. you guys need to focus on raising those kids. if you don't give a shit if he cheats or not it takes away from the thrill of doing so. do what your heart wants. if you want him, take him. he is yours. and if people give you crap about it, tell them to come and raise the kids with you and pay half the bills. i bet their tone will change.-Meredith

MIchelle - posted on 10/29/2009

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NO NO NO!!!! RUN as fast as you can. He doesnt want to be with you. If he did he would. This is a mind game that you dont need while you are pregnant or anytime for that matter. I have had guys like this. You can and will do better. Head uop and move on. Get over that loser. That is all he is if he is going to play games with the mother of his children...

Marie - posted on 10/29/2009

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Listen sweetie, Love is not hard in fact it's obvious, u know u love ur kids, u love ur parents and u love this guy. We (human beings) show love for one another in the things we do. Just from what u've said u've shown much love for this guy. Ppl are funny and swlfish which is what this guy is. I cant tell u to leave or stay cause only u know what u feel and what ur willing to put up with. Matters of the heart can b difficult, but we can work through them. U need to look inside of u, re-evaluate the person u r, the things u need, the security and safety of ur babies. I'm a single mother nd raised two boys and working on raising a daughter by myself. It can b done. This guy needs to do the same thing. U most love ur self first b for u can love this guy. U've been blinded for so long. Search ur soul babygirl, trust ur instincts. Whn a woman's gut tells her this is not right u gotta listen to it. Again not tellin u to leave or stay, just saying look inside of u, if this guy cheats again can u handle it? Will u end up on a talk show behind thekdwrong he's done to u and ur babies? Will u end up traumatized by the junk he's done? Will u end up calling ur self stupid cause u didn't listen to ur gut? B careful and smart. Look back over the years u've shared, relive some of the events, c if it's worth it based on what u've already been through with him. U must listen to ur gut, not ur friends or family but ur gut and the history u have shared with this guy. I'm sure there are some discrepencies that u may have over looked. B smart baby, make ur decision wisely b true to ur self.

Mary - posted on 10/29/2009

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No guy, babys dad, husband, boyfriend... He is not worth risking your health with a cheater, there are way too many diseases out there that are in curable and that would take you away from you kids. dont stick around for him to continue to treat you like that. your kids deserve a mother who is not being cheated on. He knows he can treat you like that and you will come back, why keep doing that too your son and new baby. They deserve a role model not a cheating pig. One saying i heard was "fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me" Sometimes you just gotta let it go bc once a cheater always a cheater. especially after you took him back the 1st time he did it.

Georgene - posted on 10/29/2009

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this prob sounds abit harsh but i think you need to concentrate on your children, you obviously cant rely on this bloke and do you honestly want some one like that around your kids. give him the opertunity to see them whenever he likes but think its time to move on and find some one who will love you and treat you like a princess. i have just got out of a simular situation and feel 10 times better for moving on.

Roni - posted on 10/29/2009

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sweetheart, love is not a switch that you can turn on and off and that is what it sounds like with him. i think he is the one with the problem and he most likely will never grow up. as long as he knows he can do anything that hw wants to and can still go running back to you, he will continuw to use you and break your heart. also what is this going to teach your children as they get older and he is still doing you this way. all i can tell you is prey for guidence and you'll get your answer even though i think you already know what you should do

Lisa - posted on 10/29/2009

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Leave and don't look back. Your children deserve a better life than he will ever be able to provide for them. I don't care how much money he has, he will never give them what they really need, his LOVE for their mother. I am old enough to be your mother and have raised my son since the day I found out I was pregnant without his sperm donor being in either of our lives. My son doesn't have his father in his life, but he has a mother who refused to settle. Please, hon, don't settle for being his emotional punching bag.

Cassie - posted on 10/29/2009

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He really is a game player,soon after you give birth and have two wonderful children that love you and look up to you and you understand that you are a good role model and mother you will then see for yourself that this situation is over.Take control,try not to allow him to confuse you with words and promises and instead look at what he has shown you.His true self is not what he says but what he does,that is the only way you ever really know anyone.by their actions.He has not been kind to you and therefore he cannot love you.i doubt you would ever treat anyone like he has treated you,so already you know you are a better person than he is and will be alone for a while but sometimes being alone allows you to heal.it is not in your families best interest to give it another go,i understand you are pregnant and it is hard decision to make when all you want is a happy ending with him,but really after everything,do you believe that he can make you happy long term?or is it that because only he has wounded you only he can make it better short term? truth is it will be sad for you for a while but ounce that has gone,well you wont believe you ever even considered getting back with him!!..it will get better in small steps but if you listen to him its just going to get you confused and you dont deserve it,be strong and the ending will be worth it,dont give yourself a hard time and trust your feelings and instincts,you do know what is best for you when you have time understand what it is you really need...all that love you give to your children instead they deserve it more than he will,your not his mother and you do not owe him anything xxx

Angela - posted on 10/29/2009

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I have a similar story, if it will help you...
I was in a 10 year relationship... we would have been married except for certain legalities we didn't want to face. We had a set of twins together almost 3 years ago now, and he started drinking excessively, lying to and stealing from me, and shattered my trust as thoroughly as your man did yours. Finally, one day, my mom came to visit and found the kids in the living room alone, while he was upstairs in the attic drinking. He was out of voice range, she called and looked, and didn't come back in a reasonable time. I was at work at the time. All through this, he kept telling me he loved me, he only wanted me, I had given him something he never thought he could have (kids). I dropped him like a hot potato and live at my mom's now.
But like you, I have to face the fact that he will be part of my life forever, because of the kids. On the other hand, I just found a guy that treats me right, wants to come home from work to me and the kids, damn near worships the ground I walk on. And I feel the same about him.... Take my advice: MOVE ON!!!! you will not regret it!

Brittany - posted on 10/29/2009

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My daughters father does the same thing. He'll come to me and say he loves me, wants to be with me and work things out. Not just for the baby but, because he really loves me, and then at the same time hes messing with all these other females and telling them he loves them, and that me and him just have a baby together. At the same time who am i to say he doesnt love me, maybe hes just not mature enough to only be with me or even admit he only wants to be with me. We are both young, i assume your babies father is around your age to. And most young men, black or white, try to play that whole cool pimp, player role, just because they see their friends doing it. When in reality they really wanna settle down and have that tv family life. I cant and wont tell you what you should do, i cant pretend i really know what his motives are. So ill just say if i were in your shoes, i would move and let him come with. I recently told my daughters father that i was moving to a different area, which would be several hrs from were we are now. He didnt even care. Which lets me know he doesnt really care for me or my child. So for your dude to wanna go with you says more than enough. After a couple mths if he doesnt change and you find yourself unhappy, not for the children but, for yourself you should send him back to were ever it is he came from. Because if he really cares for you children he'll be there whether you guys are living together, with other people or not. The children are the only thing that really matters in the end. Good luck, and i will definately keep up on your progress.

Tamzin~Rose - posted on 10/29/2009

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he sounds like he is just playing head games and just treating you like a door mat and messing with you, most likely he doesn't even know what he wants, he is a guy, most are usually thinking with the wrong head, you get the odd one that is genuine and when you do don't let em go but in this case he is defiantly not genuine so i say just move back to your parents and forget about him, find someone that will treat you like an angel because that is what you deserve.

Krista - posted on 10/28/2009

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I am also in some what the same situation as you but maybe not as difficult. I married last year he is not the children of my kids. He always thought I was cheating and would call me names. Then he would say he was sorry and he loved me. This went back and forth along time and finally I had enough and told him to get out. I took him back but he said he would change and knew he was wrong but not even a week later he was doing it all over again and it hurt. All I did was work and take care of him and the kids. He never trusted me and had a jealous issue and was controlling. I love him but I wanted to be happy. So, here I am in the same boat I was before I met him moving back to my parents but this way I have more support and less worries.



In my opinion it was all about him no different then you. Its time you think of you and the kids and trust me its the hardest thing you will have to do and the toughest. If he wants this relationship he should go to councilling not you if atmost you join him after he has gone to figure out what his issues are. All your doing is trying to have a life and have support and someone that loves you and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe just maybe he will change but he won't change if he knows that you will always be there to pick him up. Just move on and be were you have the support you need. This is about you and your kids and how you can make your life easier and less complicated.

Veeva - posted on 10/28/2009

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i have been in the same situation,only no kids were involved.i stayed with a man after he cheated on me with a girl he had met at a bus stop.he lied to me about it after a friend told me had hickies on his neck.he admitted it only after i told him i would have a lie detector test done on him.so he was going to lie.believe me, the best thing to do is to leave him.let him be there for the kids,but he showed you how much he loves u by cheating on u.once a cheater,always a cheater!

Brandi - posted on 10/28/2009

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RUN...... RUN LIKE HELL AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!!!!! If you keep this up you will be like me. Im in my late 30s I let a man take 12 yrs of my life w/ a bunch of bs!!!!! he took my 20s I was NOT going to let him take my 30s. Not saying u dont love him i did too. But RUN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 3 kids by this man. the 2 lil ones will never know who he is. Took his sorry @ss to court and he got life w/o. RUN....

Shay - posted on 10/28/2009

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wow,girl this is a seriuos situation...He is def telling u what u want to hear to get what he wants. He knows u love him and want to be w/ him so he feels he can do whatever to you and u will still be there waiting on him. I know u love him, its obvious, but come on he is playing you and u know it!!You are still young you will find somebody else that will not go back and forth and play w/ your emotions like he has done u deserve so much better. Yes u have two kids together but that is no reason to continue to deal with his BS. If the other girl hadn't cheated on him would he be willing to move w/ you? And even if he does move w/ you, whos to say he wont meet a girl there and cheat on you? He's never going to be what u want him to be,I'm sorry but u should move on. You should try to concentrate on yourself and your kids even tho it will be the hardest thing u have ever done.good luck and god bless

Klarissa - posted on 10/28/2009

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Hi, so I am currently in the boat that you are in, I am 20 weeks pregnant with my first child, and my boyfriend or ex at this point is doing the same type of thing in a since, the only difference is we dated long distance and he is pulling the same thing, he is saying that he doesn't want to be with me, but then he changes his story,and then to top it off said the same thing i am sleeping with someone else when i am clearly not doing that, my suggestion would be at this time to just move back to where your parents are, and that he is going to have to prove to you that he is worth even taking back, because you can't keep going through these emotions and your children don't deserve that either, yes i would say if he wants to keep in contact because of the kids and only the kids then that is fine, i would keep it just at that. I hope this helps

Me'Osha - posted on 10/28/2009

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He doesn't deserve you. point blank. I know EXACTLY what you're going through I had the same problem. It's best to just let him go. He doesn't have to stop seeing his kids but he doesn't deserve your love, that's obvious. He's shown you how the rest of your lives together would be. Just let go and move on, it'll be the best thing you ever did, promise. True love will find you one day and he will love you and your two beautiful kids.

Karmen - posted on 10/28/2009

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First I want to commend you.. the hardest part is moving away. As bad as it seems right now and hard you put the distance there and That can make it easier. I just recently went through the same thing. My daughter is 18mos and I'm 5 months preggo and at the end of the day your babies come first an you have to think of the man you are trying to raise and if he's the man you want as his role model.



It hurts and it sucks and pregnancy hormones NEVER help but you are your babies come before him. And he sounds more back and forth than widsheild wipers! You dont need that!

Anne - posted on 10/28/2009

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Seems to me he wants to stay single and play the field. If I were u I would stay put with my parents and just consentrate on being a mom. Do not let this guy run your life. By all means send him letters about the children and photos but keep it short and only about the kids. Do not tell him wether u are single or seeing someone new its none of his buisness really he betrayed u and I dont think he will change.

But do whatever makes u happy as what makes u happy will make the kids happy and being a mom easier. Children 1st, U 2nd and family and friends will be good for u now and keep them close.

Sandra - posted on 10/28/2009

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hey im a 35 year old mum ok from ireland.i had 2 kids by 2 different fathers and not 1 of them were interested in being a father.now im not saying that every guy is like that ok but it seems to me that this guy only wants u for the 1 thing.u are a great woman to rear 1 kid and another on the way.im proud of u ok but get rid of this guy as u will in time but maybe not tomorow find some one for u and please take ur time.get ur paerents involved in ur situatrion and talk more about things please x

LaDonna - posted on 10/28/2009

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Honey, the bottom line is not what he thinks about you, but what do you feel about yourself...It's funny the day I gave up on "accepting" what other people think I should be is the day I was freed from being abused emotionally, mentally, spiritually and in body by those that had no idea what love was or how to love someone much less. You know the right choice...it's just my opinion, but a sincere warning of "been there and done that"...THIS CAN NEVER BE ABOUT THE KIDS...why? because the relationship starts between two adults. Take a moment and reflect on this question...how many times or how much effort have you put into him that only took away from you giving to your child and the health of you and your unborn child? These two precious beings will love you, and I strongly encourage you to love yourself enough to tell him to make his own way...whatever that might be. Consider making him responsible for his part...I hope you have a great day=)

Mitch - posted on 10/28/2009

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The reason that you are going to be fine,is because you do what I did, kind of let his cheating on you slide and pretend that anyone can make a mistake, well you like me found out that it wasn't a mistake it is a character flaw, but the fact he wants you to console him, is cruel and unusual punishment, and I don't want to sound mean but I think him and my ex wife may be related. She also wanted me to accept the fact that she was with someone else and actually moved him in our house, that is when I left. Never looking back but allways hurt. I have never stopped her from seeing the kids and I would not expect you to stop him from seeing his child. When he tells you how hurt he was because his new girl cheated on him,don't say now you know how it feels, because even though that is what you are feeling, it will not help your situation at all. AS bad as it sounds being the bigger person has allways carried me through, and when I look in a mirror I love what I see, because i took the high road. Just remember what I said to you about love being blind, you will allways have a place in your heart for him, no matter what has happened in the past or you would not have had kids with him, But remember you did not make any mistakes and are the backbone of your family now, do not just get back with him because he is lonely and sad. You were lonely and sad, and are surviving, he will survive, and usually the ones who cheat do not take long to rebound, so don't be his rebound. I have seen your picture and you are beautiful, and deserve someone who treats you as if you are precious, and being without you is something he would not even think of. Remember this too, even when you find the one who wants you forever, everyday isn't going to be great and we all fight from time to time, but It makes the great days that much better...Trust me when I say to you, all your sadness now will turn to happiness, when you find the true love of your life.....mitch

Christina - posted on 10/28/2009

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He isn't being honest with you, plain and simple. When there is love, there is supposed to be total trust in each other 100%. Love doesn't mean going back and forth. He will never be honest with you, I believe he is just using you because he knows that you love him. You don't need him, or anyone like him for that matter. You are a strong woman, and you can move past this. I know he will always be in your life because of your children, but don't let him ever think he can treat you this way. You deserve so much better!

Patricia - posted on 10/28/2009

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You need to MOVE on!! You have to surround yourself with people who love you. You need family and friends to help you through this. This man will never change. By the way, how old is he?

Jessica - posted on 10/28/2009

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Don't let him move with you! By all means allow him to keep access to his children but you need to move on! This man will just keep doing this to you for the rest of your life! My friend is currently with her boyfriend of 4 years and every 4 or 5 months he will dump her, she will cry go through all the motions just to take him back 2 months down the line when he discovers he can't get another girlfriend who takes care of him and provides for him! Maybe not the same situation but he is basically doing to you what this guy is doing to my friend. Your a back-up to him, security if you will. Don't be a doormat!

[deleted account]

Do not let him go with you, he will do the same thing. Sometimes boys don't change, only real men do. Don't end up getting hurt but if it makes you happy being with him, be careful & be ready to face anything.

Shantelle - posted on 10/27/2009

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Your life needs to be about your children now and he is just going to make things complicated! You are still young and if you guys are meant to be, when he grows up, it will be. He is going to keep on cheating until he figures out why he is doing it. And he is saying he loves you, but if he did he WOULDN'T cheat. Counselling sounds like a good idea for you both even if you aren't getting back together because it will help to build up your trust in him again, and teach you both how to work together to raise your children.

Bernadette - posted on 10/27/2009

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Look lifes a gamble, u have the one thing he can never have, ur children. focus on them, and every thing else will fall into place. Think of the future, they will always be with you. AND dont go down the hate road. it will u nothing but grief. ur a strong person, otherwise u would not have made it this far. xxx

Mindy - posted on 10/27/2009

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wow way to much info. You are young and probably do not know what you want. I can tell you that he doesn't really want to be with you and you should just take him to court for child support. You will be much happier when you don't have attachments. Since you have to deal with only talk to him when you have to and only about the kids. Do not try and re-live the past you have to keep your kids in mind.

Sarina - posted on 10/27/2009

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My ex Hubby had an affair ...I went through hell...and I let him back for a few weeks and I went through hell again...checking his phone all the time...no trust...couldnt sleep...finally I told him to go as I found out he was still in contact with the woman..He made promises he couldnt keep...I told him to go...and regained my sanity and four years on I dont regret my decision..We still have contact because of our girls...I dont trust alot of men because of what happened..but I am working on myself and very independant...You have to decide what is good for you and your children...Take care of yourself..

Krystal - posted on 10/27/2009

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I was in the same situation i have a 11month old son and I found out his father was cheating on me when i was about 4monthes pregnant and he always told me he love me and wanted to be with me But I told him I wasnt going to deal with all the stress being pregnant and all. I just know that when i told him that, that he didnt even try to be around for his son. and never has. but if the father of ur children wants to be around for the children that let him but if ur afraid he is going to cheat on u again i wouldnt take the chance.

Janice - posted on 10/27/2009

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OMG I'm sorry to say this but this guy is flake. Trouble is only you will know when you have had enough of his antics. I can give you all the advice but until you reach your breaking point you will just keep going around in circles. You both need counseling but seperatly at first so that you are both free to talk things through and work out what you want. Then maybe you can sit down together and work out whats best for all of you. good luck

Teresa - posted on 10/27/2009

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sorry to tell you but you are living my life 20 yrs ago. he only asked you back to see how much control he has over you.I had 2 kids and was pregnant again before i realised my ex was controling me. my advice is to go back to your parents as fast as possible and only have contact with him via childsupport and court proceedings.you can apply for the spousal maintance as well as childsupport. he only treated you as you have slept with outhers as he could not face you about still cheating on you. dont be fooled by him and make sure he pays for his kids. good luck.contact me if you need more help

Teresa - posted on 10/27/2009

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Quoting Kathleen:

should i just move on?? would love some advice!!

ok so... im 19 years old. i have a 20 month old son and im about 5 1/2 months pregnant again.. both children are to the same father.. we were together almost 5 years but about 3 months ago i found out he was cheating on me and i broke up with him.. and he stayed with the other girl. but he was still coming round my house telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me and the kids and yet he was still sleeping with her.. i ended up just packing up and moving i left about 3 days after i decieded to go and i moved to another state to go live with my parents.. i didnt hear from him for about a month even tho i was sending him letters in the mail telling him about his son and sending pictures and ultra sound pictures i still didnt hear anything from him.. about a month after i moved he started txting me and calling me telling me how much he missed me and wanted me to come back.. saying that he does want to get married to me and im the only person he loves.. he told me he had broken up with the other girl and she confirmed it for me so i waited another month and then came back.. once i got back he came to my house to visit but wouldnt talk to me he only paid attention to his son.. once my son was in bed i asked him what was wrong and he said he couldnt look at me because he knew i had been sleeping with other people.. which i haddnt been. then he told me he wasnt in love with me anymore and he was happyer now than he had ever been with me. but he kept saying he wanted to be there for the kids.. even tho it really hurt my feelings i said ok and let it be.. the next time i saw him he told me he wanted to try and work on our relationship and he wanted us to go to councelling together and he said he would love me again because i was the only person he could trust and he wanted to be with me.. i then found out that exact same night he went to the other girls house and had sex with her and said all the same things to her.. the next time he came over he ended up staying for a week saying he wanted to move with me when i moved back to my parents and that we would work everything out.. everything was going fine..but then i told him to go home and if being with the other girl will make him happy that thats what he should do.. he went home and that same day he found out she had been cheating on him.. now he is calling me all the time.. askng me to come over because he doesent want to be alone..he told one of my friends that he loved this other girl and thought she was the one.. but i just dont understand that if he was saying all that why was he also telling people he loved me and that he was going to make everything work out and he would be there for the kids... so basicly what i am trying to figure out right now is.. im moving back to live close to my parents in less than a month..and he wants to come to.. should i tell him he cant come. should i trust him again. should i try and make things work.. i want to be with him but im scared he doesent love me and is just trying to use me because he is lonely.. how do i know if he actually does still love me and isnt just hurt by what this other girl did to him.. he said to me lastnight that he has realized that im the only person that has ever really loved him and been there for him and treated him right.. but is he going to use that just so he can get love and ill get none in return.. will i just get hurt again.. i honestly have no idea what to do.. i dont want to stop him from seeing his kids so i want him to move with me.. but i also know that i wont move on and be with anyone else while hes still around.. any suggestions or similar storys would help me.


 

Andrea - posted on 10/26/2009

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The big question is Kathleen, are you "in love" with him or do you just "love" him. There is a big difference. Take a step back and take a real good look at your relationship with him. He's treating you like you are nothing but the babysitter!
You have to be strong. Make a decision you are ready to live with and stick to it. He definately sounds like the type who cannot make a serious commitment to somebody. I don't think he even knows what he wants - he needs to do a lot of growing up himself. Children come before any relationship. They are the most important thing you have besides your family. Be strong and best wishes.

Rosa - posted on 10/26/2009

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I'd say that the first thing you need to work on i your self esteem. Sweetie how can he respect you if you're not respecting your self. don't let him step all over you like if you were a piece of rug. Think about it ..... is he saying he loves you and wants to be with his kids because its true or is he just trying to keep his lil' ass from paying child support? I can bet you that if you send him to where the sun don't shine and ask for child support his I love yous are not going to last. Face it if his sorry excuse is that he wants to be a father to his kids then tell him to prove how much he cares for them go to court get visitation and child support to see. This time you put the terms and conditions and you'll soon realize how much you and his kids mean to him. Sorry for the rude awakening but it just makes me upset to see a young single mom who does not know what shes worth. You already have a child and are expecting another one you need to star setting an example. Just think if this were your daughter in this situation how would nyou want her to react? I'd think you would want to raise a child who is confident in himself and that won't take crap from nobody.Trust me sweetie I have 7 and it's no walk in the park. But if I can do it I know you can. GOOD LUCK!

MCHELLE - posted on 10/26/2009

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i think that you are a very strong person. he may love you, but it doesnt seem as if it is enough for him to stay permanently. if he didnt find out that the other girl cheated on him. would he have been with you? he sounds like a very selfish guy and knows that you will always be there for him. that is wrong. he isnt allowing you to move on. the decision would have to be yours, if anyone makes the decision for you and it doesnt work out,you will blame someone else. this is your life, which means you have to make your own choices. i hung aroung for 17 years and nothing changed except that my father's son moved on with his life. i waited, he kept coming back with promises and he knew that i would be there. i let a lot of really guys walk away, dont make the same mistake. moving to your family would be good, you can have that support that you are most definitely going to need. it doesnt mean that you are going to start a relationship immediately, it means that you are going to get your life on track. think about you, then the kids and then him. he is thinking about him first.

when you get hurt, the more it happens, the more difficult it becomes to walk away.

i wish you luck, it cant be easy, i know where you are coming from.

michelle

Dawn - posted on 10/26/2009

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Gosh,
I have to say once a cheater always a cheater. There is no way you could ever trust him. I just know he will keep doing it. Ive seen this too many times even in my life. If he is a good Dad then give him the option to spend the time with his children but he needs to make the effort. You need to be close to your family so they can help you. I know this from having a baby with my ex husband not around. My family support got me thru it. Stay strong.Pray a lot

Sarahlynn - posted on 10/26/2009

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My story has nothing to do with my kids. But I was in love with the same guy from the time that I was 15 up until a few months ago. He took my love for granted for years. Leaving me for other girls when he got bored and coming back when he realized what he left behind. He is the only father that my children have really ever known, so he used that alot. Always telling me how he wanted out family back together. He had never cheated on me he would just leave when he was bored and find some other girl to break her heart when he came back home. I got fed up. And you will reach that point too. My advice is to move and leave him behind. But I know how hard that is to do when you lovw someone. Think of the effect his coming and going is having on your children. You need to provide them with a stable home life. Letting him come and go does not do anything but confuse them. I am not saying that he doesnt love you bc I dont know him nor your relationship, but no one deserves to be treated like a yo-yo. You dont deserve to be constantly wondering when hes going to cheat and leave you again!!!!!

Kajsa - posted on 10/26/2009

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I no that I don't know you but when I read your post it reminds me so much of what I'm going through. My son's father has cheated on me three times and I have taken him back every time since he tells me he has changed but now I'm not sure if I should really be with him anymore since he wants to be with me but he doesn't every want to talk about what he wants in life. Though he says he always wants to be there for his 6 month son he's hardly around so if anyone really knows what should be done I would really love to know as well. I'll always love him but I'm just not sure if I can trust him anymore. Its just so hard to know what to do.

Cassandra - posted on 10/26/2009

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Honestly? If I were you, I wouldnt even look back on his ass. I read in one of ur replies that this isnt the first time he cheated, this has happened to you several times. The game might look like it changed, but its still the same. Ive been where youve been, and loving someone who doesnt love you is one of the hardest things you can go through. ESPECIALLY when you have a child with that person, in your case, two. You want to be able to give your children a family, and you want to be happy. I totally get that. It sucks that he is a douche and doesnt realize how good he really has it with you. I made the decision to move back home to my parents, and honestly, it was the best decision I could had made. It hurts, I wont lie, and it takes a long time to get over it (Im still not). But now Im back in school, my parents are extremely supportive and help me alot with my daughter, and Im making new friends and finding MYSELF again. I think if you have the option to be near your parents and to put distance between you and this guy, that would inevitably be the best decision you can make for your babies and yourself. Its great 4 him that he wants to be near his kids, but you have to live YOUR life and do whats best for YOU and your kids. Hes obviously not doing anything to help you emotionally or otherwise, and you need to be somewhere where u can heal and have lots of loving support. If he wants to be near his kids so badly, HE can find his own place near you if its so important to him. Otherwise, you guys can figure something out down the road. Its not fair to you that he can go do whatever he wants with whoever but expects you to sit around and be at his every beck and call, and thats what hes doing to you. I say, forget about him and focus on YOU. If he wants to be there so bad, he will be. and if you ever need someone to vent to, look me up. Your too good for that crap, and it might take awhile, but ull move on, trust me.

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