Should I pursue for sole custody?

Tatiana - posted on 09/11/2012

but i agree there ...children deserves more not only poor exuses like i cannot come to see u my son coz im very busy....i cannot buy for u nappies coz i havent got time for it....i cannot bath u coz u are naked and u can peed on me?im with my son 24/7 im giving him my love,care coz i want to coz i love him more as my life so why a father hasnt get a same attitued when he got all rights?some fathers talking have they got same rights as a mothers...why they cannot provide all this to them children?fathers what they abusing they children or some mothers is that right?i dont think so....children are deserves all from both parents and then we doesnt have take control of it but coz he is a father on birth certificate is not automaticly mean he can doing what he likes and he is a FATHER

Tatiana - posted on 09/11/2012

Hi sorry but probably i dont understand your answer....is that mean that me or his father can doing what we likes?coz we both got rights?is that mean than father doesnt have to provide his son basic care coz he is a father and he got rights???i said i want him be in contact with his son but not like that.....but your answer is like ...do what u what but your son has right be with both parents....your child has right be with his father but never mind when he cannot change his nappies,never mind that he cannot bath him coz he is not going to touch him when he is naked?never mind that his partner has violent behaviour , he is a father and that it?is mean then that i do not care about my child...father or mother can doing anything but child got rights to be with his parents...thank u for answer

Jessica - posted on 09/09/2012

Hi Tatiana

Well lets be blunt. You chose to sleep with this guy and he chose to sleep with you therefore you both created this child. Your child doesn't belong to you as something you can lend out when you see fit. You are looking at it as though your son's dad needs to prove or justify himself to you before you will chose to allow them to have contact. Why can't it be that you son has the rights? Your son has the rights (morally at least) to a full future with both you and his dad. Now your son's dad maybe less than a great example of manhood but to your son he is D.A.D. and no one other than the man you chose to sleep with (despite his faults that you now point out) will be that person. You are the M.U.M. and no one can replace you but your son needs an independent relationship with the both of you to fulfill his destiny. Mum's we do not own our children. We have no rights to 'control' their life with their dads. Such controling behaviour is a form of violence against our children. They deserve more.

Tatiana - posted on 09/09/2012

hi girls i have simular problem but father my son is on birth certificate.....we split up in march this year but i wanted him in his son life so i gave him a offer but everything written with silicitor just in case....that he can come and visit his son twice per week,he was ok about it but he started be interest in me not in son...he is married with other woman but im not in good relation with her and he started frighten me that he wants to take son there for couple hours...i refused coz he got a phobia of changing nappies and he cannot take proper care about son....then he missed 2 visits and 3 times he came late so i decided to stop him ....he took me to mediation where we made agreement that his visits will be twice per week and every other saturday but again he was coming late also he focused on our relationship...still married and he keept asking me to wait for him to leave his wife but i refused....his wife has no idea about his behaviour behind her back...he got 4 weeks to proof himself how interest he is and also that he his capable to give sons needs on first place but again he wasnt willing....he was only frighten me with court that he will make me very unhappy coz he got all right doing with son what he wants and also take him where he wants but i have strong concerns about his wife...she hates me,she had violent manner towards me when i was pregnant and also she is an agressive and she is fighting with him or daughter,in the past she was cutting herself and also overdose some pills ....i do not want my 18month old son arround her coz i know her behavior can affect him can someone advice me what to do?my ex taking me to court about contact order and also caffcass going be involved ...do i have to contact child service or is enough to deal with caffcass?lso i cannot really proof her behaviour :( thanks

Mary - posted on 08/25/2012

Even though he is not on the bc if he ever decided to be a father to her he would have the right to take you to court and get visitation. Because he has not had any contact with her it would be harder for him but he can still request visitation. Yes it would be in your and your daughter's best interest to go to court for sole custody. Keep in mind that every state is different but in the state that I'm in if the absent parent has not had any contact with the child for one year than he won't have any rights and you can put in a patition to have all rights removed. Good luck to you and your baby girl.

Jessica - posted on 08/24/2012

Hi lovely mommy

my daughter was born into similar circumstances, her dad and myself weren't a couple (other than the obvious!). but i always tried to look at it from my daughter's point of view. myself and her dad were neither saints nor axe murderers we are just her mum and dad so it is her right as a child of the two people to have both invovlved.

i hope he greos up and realises that what ever his shortcomings he can be the one and only DAD to your child. i hope that you can see giving your daughter every chance and opportunity to have the both of you involved is the best gift you can share with her.

Taffany - posted on 08/23/2012

My daughter father is not her bc and 15 years latter he came back in my life and I was told by the courts he has the same rights as I do neither one of us has custody you have to file for it through the courts it does not matter if he on the BC or not and if the baby has your last name or his if he wants to visit her there is nothing you can do unless you go and establish custody of your child call any lawyer they will tell you the same thing have been going through this with my sons father now as well so if you want custody go file for it now and do not wait till it is to late like I did. Yes custody laws very state to state but I live in Ohio her dad lives in Utah so if the laws are the same here in this state as Utah when it comes to wedded parents it most likely will be similar in any other state.

Heather - posted on 08/23/2012

did he sign the birth certificate

Joanne - posted on 08/23/2012

If the father is not ready to be apart then thats his choice and if you donot want the headache of pursuing him for support then walk away. But remember child support is for the child and she deserves that.... but if you are not financially strapped and willing able to do this alone then by all means do it. Yes, pursue full custody and later in life if/ when he decides to be apart you will still have the right to pursue childsupport.

Lisa - posted on 08/23/2012

He is not on birth certificate, then he has no rights till he files to have rights from the court and has a paternity test.

Alysha - posted on 08/20/2012

Right now, he doesn't have rights to her bc you two were never married. You have full custody over her.
I personlly would wait on the whole court thing, unless you two can't decide on something. Such as if he is willing to pitch in a bit for when she needs something, such as diapers, wipes, clothes, etc.
For me, my ex didn't want to be a dad from day one of my pregnancy. I have sole and physical sole custody over my daughter and he has to pay child support (which he doesn't always do)
It's 100% up to on what you decide to do.
I wish you the best of luck!

Elizabeth - posted on 08/17/2012

Everyone is being really nice to you about your situation, but really mean to me about mine which is the exact same situation. What the hell.... Come on people!!! IT IS NEVER GOOD FOR A MAN TO COME IN AND OUT OF A CHILD'S LIFE. SMART WOMEN KNOW THIS.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/16/2012

Chaya-

I will admit that unless you are not in one of those high ranking careers, it would be hard raising a baby on your own, however not impossible.

I am a college student and I am employed full time, not making very much money, but some how I manage to live comfortably and take care of my baby by myself, no child support. Lovely Mama can do it if she needs to, but if she doesn't have a problem having the father in her and her child's life she should definitely take him to court, the worst that could happen is she might get child support and he might actually see the child once a month (I doubt a man like that would abide by the every other weekend/ holiday blah blah blah crap).

Heather - posted on 08/01/2012

He has to prove he is the father by doing a paternity test if he is not on the BC well that is how it is in my state !!! KUDOS FOR YOU MAMA !!!! I should have done that !!! Did you give her his last name? I know where I am from if you go to the state for assistance they will go after the father so I would say I don't know who the father is so he is not in the picture if that is the road you choose to go! You can not have a man go in and out of your child's life that is not good for the child they don't understand! I would talk to an attorney to be on the safe side because if you let him have her for a day and he decides to file for custody who ever files first in my state that is usually who keeps the child until the judge decides who the child gets to stay with... I am a mother of a 6 yr old and my sons dad made numerous lies up in court recently and our visitation just got changed and a paternity was never established ever which is total BS and I have been pushing for it and been denied several times!! Now my sons hates his dad and he is so sad he can not be with his mom only on certain days and I dont drink or do drugs !!! His dad just made up lies and decided to have a family knowing I can't have any more kids and money talks where I live so please take my advice and talk to a attorney and take take of that baby !!! ♥

Chaya - posted on 07/30/2012

Unless you're a lawyer, doctor, or corporate executive, you probably can't afford to raise the baby alone. You still have the right to child support. The courts generally believe that if you can breed them, you can feed them. It's kind of crude, but a valid point.

Sarah - posted on 07/30/2012

You have sole custody at this point because he is not on the birth certificate. But all it takes is him to change his mind or his parents and file for paternity. After that, he will have the opportunity for visitation, etc.

Options:
1. Ask him to sign away his rights as a father... probably won't... but thats the only way to ensure you have sole custody without visitation for the next 18 years.
2. Wait it out and hope he doesn't get interested when she is 5... then file for visitation.
3. File sole custody now but you would have to do it through the courts system, they would request paternity testing to determine he is the father, and he would have to agree. If you go this route, do it quick before he does take an interest in her.

Lyn - posted on 07/30/2012

Is she carrying his name or yours? Is his name on the birth certificate? See a lawyer and learn what rights you have. Do it now, for her. I have 3 adopted girls that are my nephew's children. He never sees them, although DNA has proved they are his and he supposedly wants to be in their lives. I will not tell them who their father is and I do not say anything to get their hopes up. Your little girl will get hurt by this man because you don't want him just drifting in and out of her life. It's very, very painful. It would be better for her to grow up with a step father or just with you rather than having her feelings hurt by a man who is so non commital. But, really, go see a lawyer. You need to protect yourself AND her.

Lacye - posted on 07/27/2012

Lovely, where do you live? I know in the state of Mississippi, if the parents are not married, neither one has custody. If that is the case with where you live, then the father could come and get the child and would not be required to give her back. You need to find out as soon as you can what the laws in your state are. Once you have found out, you need to take him to court and have it settled. He needs to decide once and for all if he wants to be in your daughter's life. It's not good for her to have him playing this "Yes I want her/No she's not mine" petty bullshit. He may not have been ready to be a father, but he is. It's time for him to act like it.

Sylvia - posted on 07/27/2012

I wish I had gone for support when I decided that it would be easier just not dealing with him. Raising a child is not cheap. Plus it helps the child feel that the other half of herself helped in some way. It may be your ex but not hers.

Chaya - posted on 07/27/2012

Get sole custody now, don't wait until it becomes necessary. It will also protect you if social services wants to get involved.

Lovely - posted on 07/26/2012

Thank you everyone for your advise. Its greatly appreciated! I've heard so far as it seems that i do have sole so i am still going to speak with a lawyer but as it stands at this point and time im sure its ok. Even if he was to come around he wouldnt be the type to try and take me to court so we will see what the future holds. Thank you again ladies!

Katherine - posted on 07/26/2012

If he starts coming around, make it official before you make that too easy.

Since you weren't married, and he's not listed on the BC he would have to prove paternity to have parental rights, so I feel pretty confident in saying you HAVE sole custody at this point, but you could probably get a lawyer to confirm that in a free consultation.

Veronica - posted on 07/26/2012

Lovely,
I am a single mother of a girl too. Her father is not in her life by his choice. He is listed on her bc and we did establish custody and support. I am not responsible for him paying or keeping him up to date with his payments, the court is. He has rights to her as he is her father, but whether or not he acts on those rights is his decision. I didn't establish custody because I was told by a counselor at the local aid office, my ex would be responsible for filing and paying legal fees if he files, but I would be if I did the filing. I would suggest you go to the local aid office and talk to a counselor about the rights of the father. They can give you the information based on the laws and jurisdiction of your area. Hope this helps.

Arin - posted on 07/23/2012

Custody laws are different in every state so do some research into the custody laws for your state. In Florida, a unmarried woman who gives birth to a child is automatically awarded full custody and considered the sole custodial parent. In order for the biological father to have any rights whatsoever even visitation or child support, paternity must be established through the courts. The biological father of my daughter is on the birth certificate but even that doesn't establish paternity in the eyes of the court. If you want, you could see if you could get him to sign over his rights but I will warn you that you would be unable to collect any child support if you do that (even if you don't want his help financial now, you may at some time in the future). In Florida, you can collect child support up to two years post dated... in other words you could file for child support in two years and still get all the payments that should have been your daughter's from birth. He can't just come try to take your daughter or even demand to see her if you are worried about that. He can file his own case with the courts to establish paternity and then take you to court for custody but he would have to establish that you were an unfit parent in order to be awarded sole custody which is extremely hard to do. It doesn't sound like he is that invested in her life and probably wouldn't go to the trouble. Again I would check the laws in your state and if you do decide to go to court for custody and child support then I would advise you to at least get a consultation from a family lawyer (some offer consultations for free but most charge a fee). Take some time to think about what would be best for yourself but mostly what would be best for your daughter.