Should I say my childrens father abandon his kids

Amanda - posted on 06/18/2012 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My ex has been in and out of my boys life now for the last 4 years. He left us 2 days after our second child was born, did not come back around until the baby was 2.5 years old (he was scared of him), and my older boy just turned 5. He stayed around for about a month then left with out saying good bye. that was 1.7 years ago, my boys are now 6.5 and 4 years old. In May he (the dad) called me and said he was coming back to the state and wanted to see the kids, I told him it was his last chance if he left again he was not going to be about to see them again, After about 4 weeks he left AGAIN, with out saying good bye to the boys, telling me he is going away for 30 day be back in 35 (whatever that means). I see on facebook he is out of the state again and back in the state he has been all the other time. Now i have 2 kids asking me about their dad. I tell them i don't know where he is at. I know my older one is hurt the most by it and i don't think I can put my boys through this again.
Do you think me saying he adandoned his kids his the right thing to do?
I don't want my boys hurt anymore!

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Kim - posted on 06/20/2012

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Wow, it's so tough for the boys and I can imagine how much it hurts to watch this being played out. I think it's really important that your children don't grow up thinking they've been abandoned by the most important person in their lives aside from you. I think it's really important for you to tell them that their dad loves them, because deep down, he would. When they're old enough they need to understand that not all parents are taught or know how to be good parents, that it's not the boys who have been abandoned but that the dad just doesnt know how to be a good dad. It takes the burden of guilt off your sons that they may have done something wrong to make him go, it takes the fear out of your story and ultimately the onus is back on yr ex. It's his issue, not yrs, or the boys. The other thing that can happen using this approach is that if or when yr ex decides to see them then there is space for that to happen. Yr boys will always love and want to know their father, and despite the pathetic qualities some of them have, it's a child's right to know them. This might make it a bit easier.

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Sandra - posted on 11/06/2012

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Read our story at www.abovethetrees.ca (my daughter's dad has not seen his daughter over five years now). He has abandoned her, however I never use those terms around her. I wrote this little story book for her to help her understand that her family is "different" than most of her friends. It is about a giraffe that gets "lost" in the jungle and never returns, the questions this giraffe asks are all my daughters questions, like ; "is my daddy ever coming back" and the illustration on the next page is the giraffe mommy crying,snuggling the baby, as she admits "now that's a tough question for a giraffe mommy like me, and I don't have the answer but this you can believe. I will always love you and protect you ...and as you grow, you'll see..that I was chosen for you and you were chosen for me, and even though your Daddy is lost, we are still a family". The baby giraffe grows asking questions, longing for the "family unit that has a mom, dad and child" and it is only when she is tall enough to see above the tree's, that she see's there has always been different kinds of families and when she is all grown up, she assures her mom, that indeed, her family was perfect for her. The message is powerful and the dedication reads to my daughter Kaylee Elizabeth, may your story give a voice to the power, of love, understanding and forgiveness. (It is a message that was delivered lovingly..I do accept that my partner is lost, and it has nothing to do with how much he loves or doesn't love his daughter...it is all about him and that is why the metaphor of "lost" is so great, love is not a prerequisite for finding your way back home. Lots of people get lost and just because they have someone that loves them doesn't make the road back any easier to find. I hope you are able to see our book. www.abovethetrees.ca or Facebook Above The Trees.

I know that everything will work out for you ...as "you too were chosen" you will do the best for your children, particularly when you come from the position of love and wanting to do the best for them.

Love and Light to you!!

Sandra

Leigh - posted on 11/05/2012

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First my children were abandoned by their two fathers, then I got beaten up after games and abuse to all of us, and they got the kids and then got the kids to abandon me. In the meantime, the grandparents were playing competitions with each other in who owned the child. The police and court system, both men and women keep defending men or elders. Thats abandonment by the system workers too.

Amanda - posted on 06/21/2012

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Thanks all of you. I see my lawyer in the morning. Ebony, was it hard to get the name changed, I so want to do that too.

Ebony - posted on 06/21/2012

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Amanda, Look up word "abandon" in the dictionary and that is exactly what our ex does to us! Our first priority are to our child(ren) and they need our protection from this emotional rape (the taking by force) that they put our child(ren) and us through! I've filed for legal custody, I've changed my little boys last name and I receive child support! I let that grown man do exactly what he likes to do, and it doesn't involve my child... If I'm not mentally, emotionally, and physically healthly or capable to raise my child then (1) I expect for some one who can, to do it... and (2) how will he survive? The court system is designed for this matter, you want healthy productive citizens calling you "Mom" and leaving your home at the legal age and showing the world, having an "acid reflux" DAD is not the way to be healthy...

SO YES! It is okay to call it abandon

Kim - posted on 06/20/2012

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Ok, it wasn't clear to me. I thought u were wanting to know how to talk to yr kids. All I know from deep experience is that as a 46 year old I still suffer the pain of my father going when I was six. I used to wait by the window, even on Christmas day, for hours. He wld say he was coming and not show up. My mother had no explanation ... It was extremely painful and somehow time only dulls it.

I saw my father once when I was 30. There were no answers as to why he did what he did, and it didn't really bring me any amazing epiphanies or healing.

It was only when I had my own child and had to negotiate very delicately her father's role in her life. I did everything I cld to keep her in his life, even after some pretty bad behaviour. I realized that it was simply about his parenting. It's about ensuring my daughter doesn't go through what I did. You see there is a theory that kids blame themselves when parents leave, I don't want my daughter to think that. She seems to accept that he's not a good parent, that for whatever reason he just cant engage and care for her the way you would generally expect. She appears pretty well adjusted and as long as she doesn't grow up with the narrative of abandonment that I had to go through then at least I can feel I've brought some good from something that has been for me a life sentence.

Princess - posted on 06/20/2012

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I think you should tell the courts. Your gut feeling is telling you to, and i think its right

Amanda - posted on 06/20/2012

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Im not telling y kids I'm telling the courts. I tell my kids the truth, that their dad moved back to the other state and i don't know why. But i love them every much and so does all the family that is around them. I think i came off as me telling the kids, i won't do that i want to tell the courts so that if he comes back he has nothing.

Amanda - posted on 06/19/2012

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Thanks Melissa, I tell my boys everyday how much I love them. I feel the same way about him doing more harm then good.

Melissa - posted on 06/18/2012

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A very similar thing happened to me. When i took my ex to court he all of a sudden showed up once a week and visited his daughter. Then after child support and custody issues were over . ( i have sole custody, he signed it over in an effort to pay less support) All of a sudden daddy is gone again. I guess he wanted to look good for the lawyers. But when he did come, everyone was on edge. He scared her, because she didn't know him and honestly he did more harm than good. Often he was irritated with her right away ( shes 21 mos). And really what message was that sending her. We all want dad's to be part of their kids lives. But when they act selfish like your ex did, and mine. We have to think is this benefitting or hindering our children? Your kids are nervous around him by the sounds of it, and he's never there for them. That is a crappy way to feel, i know because i grew up thinking i was a hinderance for my own father. If your doing a good job raising these kiddies than do they need someone who freely walks in and out? Or do they need you, the solid rock thats always there. I think you need to tell them kindly that you love them, you don't understand why daddy isn't there and it is okay to feel sad and mad, but to know that you love them. You don't have to tell them they've been abandoned, they already know it guareenteed and those words hurt. Just reinforce that you are there for them. Your not alone!

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