Should i try to contact him?

Britt - posted on 12/17/2009

well i am in the exact same situation. The way I look at it is that if he really cared about his child, or wanted to know if indeed the child is his, he would likely do something about it. From what you said in the OP, you are probably just wasting your time. You can try, but ive been tryin all along, and I continuously get nowhere. For your sake and your child's, i hope he has more balls than my baby's daddy. Good luck!

Kristy - posted on 12/17/2009

Kayla, I am also in the same boat with you. I found out that I was pregnant at 5 weeks, and the minute I let the father know he completely blocked me out and haven't spoken to him in quite some time. He also is not much of a role model for our son and has only seen him once since he was born. He also denied the paternity, until he received the results in black and white. Unfortunately in my case it didn't really matter either way...



It is a VERY personal decision on your part, and like many have told you I'm sure, no one can help you with this one. I have not gone looking for my sons father or vice versa, but I know someday down the road, he will regret not being involved in his sons life. For now, I have a very happy little boy and he does not need to know about all the trouble his Mumma went through with his father. When the time comes that he starts to ask "Where's my Daddy?" then I may have to tell him some partial truth on the matter. Until then, I just want him to remain the happy little man that he is, and for him to know he is very loved.



I wish you the best of luck, hun!

Kayla - posted on 12/17/2009

i would file for child support but my mom highly discourages it because she thinks he'll want visitation rights if he starts paying and she doesnt want my daughter around him and his negative lifestyle.i think right now i should just wait things out and i hoping just like you jennifer that when she asks about him God will give me the right words to tell her...

Jennifer - posted on 12/16/2009

Hi, I think that first if you read what you wrote you will find the answer you are looking for. Second, a father isn't just the "sperm donor" He's the one male role model who your daughter shuold set all examples of men she ever gets invovled with.
I can relate to your situation but I decided that in the grand scheme of things it is better that he not be a part of my daughter's life which also means he should not be a part of mine. I filed for his severnce of rights to her and he agreed to that and signed the papers. My daughter is two and when the time comes for me to have to tell her about him I trust that God will put the word in my mind. It's not easy because as women we want the fairytale for aourselves as well as for our daughters. You just be the best woman you can be for her show her love, compassion, forgivness, strength and faith.

Jacquee' - posted on 12/16/2009

I agree with Kim completely. My 15 month old daughter and I are doing it alone as well. However, I have filed for child support.

Sarah - posted on 12/15/2009

My son's father was in and out of my life during the pregnancy. He also was not very supportive the first few weeks, choosing to find a new girlfriend instead of spending time with his newborn son, even when he knew we were moving 200 miles away. I'd given him more than enough opportunities to see my son, but he'd rather party and waste away his life. About the time my son was a month old I decided I had to be firm now, or it would be harder when he was older. So, I sent BD a long email, explaining my situation (he should know by now, but at least it's all there plain as day now) and asking him to step up and be reliable, or step out of my son's life until he's ready to be there fully. My son is now 14 weeks old, and I haven't heard a peep from him in over two months, and have several friends in the same situation. I will probably see him at Christmas, as I am still somewhat close with the family. I'm nervous about this, but plan to kill him with kindness at this event, then return to ignoring him as usual, unless he chooses to change things. With the way his life has been, I would require him to be supervised by someone I trust, if he does want to be part of our son's life, at least until he can prove that he is responsible enough. Like many others said, leave this major choice up to him until your daughter is old enough to choose for herself. If you do have anything negative to say about him, make sure your daughter is not in the area, and remain calm because she can pick up on your mood. I know there is someone out there that is willing to take both my son and I into his life and be the perfect Daddy; having patience is the hardest part.

Sheila - posted on 12/15/2009

That's a very hard decision and one that you cannot make lightly. Pray hard and even harder about it. You would want to make that decision and his illegal activity get your child caught up, there are so many things that are going on in this crazy world and if you and your daughter are fine you might be better off right now. Hopefully a wonderful man will come into your life and can give her that male guidance that a sperm donor can't. Good Luck!!

Kayla - posted on 12/15/2009

Thank you ladies!! All the advice and positive feedback has encouraged me...i really think i can do this parenting thing with out the "dead beat-sperm donor"i was really feelin like i should contact him to see if hes changed and wants to be a part of her life but now i am understanding that when hes ready he'll contact me but for now it is his loss..keep in touch ladies and add me to your circles!

Cara - posted on 12/11/2009

My son's father has never seen or spoken to his son...in almost 11 years. The "sperm donor" knows that he has a son with me, tried once to deny it, and it's on HIM to initiate that contact, not me. The only thing we, as mothers, can do is love that child to the best of our abilities, answer their questions about the estranged father as honestly as their age and understanding will allow, and let the father and child work out that relationship on their own, if ever.

Pat - posted on 12/11/2009

I don't think you should contact him until you know he is no longer involved in bad stuff. This most likely means he also hangs out with bad people who are into bad stuff. Life can turn tragic in the blink of an eye. You even need to be careful if you bring boyfriends around your daughter. My brother has a friend who no longer lives with his ex and their 6 year old son lived with his ex, she had a boyfriend who got drunk shot the poor boy dead said nothing and left the house. The creep who took this beautiful childs life only got 6 years gaol for it. Everyone who loved the boy gets a life sentence of pain. If you ever decide to contact him when you know he has cleaned up his act, do so without your childs knowledge, so she doesn't feel rejected if he doesn't want to get involved. Good luck Kayla

Khristina - posted on 12/10/2009

If he knows and you have told him he is the father and he still does not care about your daughter then SCREW HIM! You cannot force them to care. I have tried calling- texting, emailing My legal HUSBAND- we've been separated since before my daughter was born. He has seen her twice- did not call on her b-day calls maybe every 4 months. It's not worth all the hassle and heartake. I know you wish he would be there- but the fact is he is immature and not ready to be a dad. It's best for your daughter to have never met him. My 2 year old remembers her dad and asks about him all the time..she beggs for him to come see her. It's Either IN or OUT I say!

Amy - posted on 12/09/2009

I would just let it go and take care of your princess the best you can with what you have. My kids daddy isn't in their lives either...it was his choice and I don't feel bad about that because they NEVER ask about him. I figure as long as my kids are happy and healthy thats all that matters. I have tried contacting him several times with no luck so he can miss out on his kids lives...it is HIS loss in the end.

STEFANIE - posted on 12/08/2009

well i think u should think of it like this if he is envolved with some bad stuff u prob would not want ur daughter to see and kids are impreshionable and u do not want her to grow up and play the well daddy did it game with u and i am raising my daughter with no ddy help he denies her too and had not seen her sence she was a month old, i have cut all ties he is a gang member and i do not want my bby girl to want to follow in his pathjust do whats best for her until he is doing better or if not then he was never man enough to have her in his life . its not worth it u hopefully have support through the family and thats all u need ... mommys can be daddys too and raise good kids !!! with out there sprim doners !

Kayla - posted on 12/08/2009

o yea and thank you so much tiana for your suggestions on what i should do to get outta this slump... hopefully i can try some of them really soon because im tired of feeling this way

Kayla - posted on 12/08/2009

Quoting Jennifer :

I gave him every opertunity to step up and he didn't. I see him now as a sperm donor.

 I feel like ive done all i can at this point and like you i gave him chances to be a father and he has rejected her basically HE HASNT EVEN SEEN HER...and now he has his buddy friend requesting me on myspace so he could look at her pictures . i dont get him...im positive he knows shes his...he also says hes to young to be a father.im tired of people(mostly strangers) telling me he needs to be part of her life and that he needs to pay child support  i just feel like hes taken the easy way out by denying her and disapearing... and yea your right lauren there is a reason we havent talked i just tend to forget that reason as time goes by or when i wish he was around...  but thats a good way to look at him"sperm donor" lol

Lauren - posted on 12/08/2009

I personally think you should just leave things alone.. I choice to not have my daughter's father in her life and it works for me. There is no fighting over what she does or doesn't do . My life is a lot calmer. My little brother has a different dad than I and I see what my mom goes through, dealing with the dad and I see what my little brother goes through, having to be in the middle of things. I just choice to not deal with any of it... It worked for me but thats something you have to decide on your own.. There is a reason for you not talking to him this long though... Either it be you don't trust him or don't like what he's into.. Just remember that..

Jennifer - posted on 12/07/2009

My son is 10 months odl. I told his father when I was about 3 or 4 months preg and he denied it then and never took the time to check back on us. Some days I wonder the same things you do but I stop and think about this, I get to be selfish. I don't have to share my child with anyone. I get every day with him. No every other weekend hastle and i don't have to wonder if i'm going to get a chack or not. The men in his life, my father, grandfathers, and so on, will be his "father figures" Some days I don't know if I have made the right choice to leave "him" out of the pic but really, I gave him every opertunity to step up and he didn't. I see him now as a sperm donor. I love my son more than I ever knew possible and i believe that this is the best decision I could make for him. I pick a life with men who have loved and wanted my son from the start of it all and i don't worry much about the person who doesn't. Only you can make the decision for your baby. That little girl of yours is a blessing and I am proud of you for being such a wonderful mother to her. Keep up the good work. I know you will do what is best for you both. Good luck. P.S. It's ok to get a sitter and get out some days/nights. That will really help you think. Get your mind off of it all and you will be able to think better.

Zezinha - posted on 12/07/2009

oooooppppps

It sounds trouble more than paradise



BTW ... I pushed and pushed and encouraged and pulled and did all I could to keep my baby's dad arround for the same reasons you mention but today I regret .............. He left me at 4 months pregnant found someone else got married has a big house a good household income and now brought me to Court.... So far Thank God I am doing alright but the stress has really made me sick including loosing my full time job ... so Becarefull what you wish for .... most of all, really don't think neither him or his family care enough for my baby (3.5 year old) to be able to raise her to her best ....

Tiana - posted on 12/07/2009

Ask a friend or a family member to babysit for a few hours, go get yourself done up! Get your nails done, maybe get a hair cut, do something for yourself. I know you love your daughter, my daughter is the reason i breathe, but sometimes being with the baby is a reminder, and it gets a little overwhelming, so you need a little time for yourself. Im not saying my daughter is soooo annoying i need to leave her, i'm not saying that at all, but sometimes you just need some you time, to help get your mind off stuff you shouldnt be thinking about, but it ultimately pops up. I always get those stupid thoughts of how different it would be had we gotten married, and done the whole nuclear family thing, and especially now you know, with the holidays coming up, and i wanted us all to decorate a tree and all that kind of fun stuff. But then i realize, what the hell am i talking about? my daughter loves me, and i adore her, and having him in my life to ruin things, or make things difficult, ugh i don't need that headache, and babydoll, NEITHER DO YOU! those thoughts will always come up, unfailingly, at the worst times, when you're already feeling down. But, you gotta put your head up, and keep it moving. Get some of your girls together, and check out a movie, or go to dinner. Idk if you're a clubbing type of girl, but sometimes its fun to dress up, be sexy and cute, and get hit on ;) it makes you feel good, and it helps you realize your self worth. You're a gorgeous woman!! and with a kid...ohhh babayyy, that makes you a GORGEOUS MILFYYY (= and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. you just need some me time, to remind you, that you're the best. you're amazing. and you don't need a man to make you worthy. and you're daughter, DEFINITELY doesn't need that. cuz she's got a mama that blows her biological father out the watersss!

Kayla - posted on 12/07/2009

Quoting Tiana:
At some point, you will find a good man who will love and cherish you, and will be a better father for your lovely daughter, than her birth father could ever be. Just know that God NEVER puts you through anything, that you are not strong enough to work through

Wow your reply almost brought me to tears lol not to be cheesy ive just been feeling really down lately about my situation.But i know i should really be praying about it instead of walking around with a  sad face on. I dont want my daughter to see me unhappy because she shouldnt have to grow up like that  but its ahrd to look at her and see the guy i hate. i am hoping and praying to find a good man who accepts both my daughter and i  but at my age its really hard to find a guy who wants to play"dad" with someone elses daughteri belong to a church and have a supportive family and yet i feel hopeless and i really need a pick me up...any suggestions?

Tiana - posted on 12/07/2009

If he wants to he'll come around. But do you honestly want someone like that around your beautiful baby? you're doing the best job alone, and you don't need that man to bring you down. My daughter's father chose to leave when i was three months pregnant too. he claims i pushed him away..but either way he chose to leave. he came around when she was born and wanted a paternity test. she looked EXACTLY like him. there was no possible way i could have slept with anyone else, and there is no way she can be from anyone else when you see how she was born looking exactly like him. i gave her my last name, and i've raised her basically by myself until now. this is she will be ten months old. As long as you have yourself, and the people around you who love you and support you, you don't need a BOZO bringing you down. I admire you for your strength, and i of all people know exactly how you feel being there, doing EVERYTHING with little or no help. At some point, you will find a good man who will love and cherish you, and will be a better father for your lovely daughter, than her birth father could ever be. Just know that God NEVER puts you through anything, that you are not strong enough to work through. Good luck mama xo

Codi - posted on 12/07/2009

i know what your feeling.. i have a one month old little boy and his father denies him and isnt exactly the best role model because he is a heavy alcoholic... in one way i want my son to know his dad and be a part of his life.. but at the same time i dont really want my son around someone that denied him for the first however long of him life and who always has a drink in his hand... its a hard decision and its one that only you can make... my story gets a lot more complicated than that but really thats the jist of it... my plan in the long run is to leave him alone but always know where he is so that one day if my son ever asks to meet him i can try and get ahold of him, even if my son just gets to talk to him on the phone then he can tell my son why he wasnt around

Alanna - posted on 12/05/2009

that is up to you to decide. if you decide to contact him, be prepared for the what you may feel is the worst reaction: ignoring his daughter & you, or outright rejection.



if you want to send him e-mail pictures and updates, do so. do it without expecting a reply. he probably secretly wants to know about his child, but whatever he is into, may be stopping him.



your other option will be to wait until he decides to contact you, but again, that may not happen for a long time.



my son's father has no contact with us. it hurts me to know that, but in the end, my son is very loved and will know the rest of his dad's family. they all love him too.

Elizabeth - posted on 12/05/2009

Why would you want your daughter to part of his life. i believe you are not only endangering your daughter but as well as yourself. I wound Not contact him. My son's father is not involed for his choice in his dangerous lifestlye. If you like your daughter to meet him when she's 18 that might be a good idea. Don't draw yourself in his life style.

Jennifer - posted on 12/05/2009

i have the same problem my daughters father only has something to do with her when he doesnt have another girlfriend. I think u have to leave it up to him to want to be there n if he doesnt when your daughter gets older make sure she knows it was his decision not to be there. But hopefully he makes the right desicion. good luck

Lisa - posted on 12/04/2009

hi Kayla, I agree that it is your decision to make, i was in the same situation as you are now, my son is nine, i was 3 months preg. when his dad left, he was wanted by the cops did drugs and all that other bad stuff so i decided not to look for him or try to claim child support off him, how ever 6 months ago i decide to look for him and found out that he had died, so now my son will never get to meet his father. again it is your choice to make just remember that anything can happen and you never now when it is to late

Nicole - posted on 12/04/2009

Hey Kayla Kery..You are the only one that can make that decision but if your daughter is asking for him I say let her see him unless he is in real bad stuff the will danger your daughter and yourself. Because if you don't you are going to be the one she hate when she get older for not letting her she him. But if she not asking for I say keep it rolling and do what you are doing being her mother and father

Jeckie - posted on 12/04/2009

to kayla kery, i dont think its a good idea to communicate him about ur daughter...as u r saying he denies ur baby and he is involve in some bad stuff.let just the time came if ur daughter really wants to meet her dad.

Stacey - posted on 12/04/2009

I'm experiencing similarities, unfortunatly after 1 1/2 yrs. I let my daughters (2 1/2) father come to see her(also involved in bad stuff last I knew & apparently still is) He came every day for about 1 week, then he left the other day and said he'd see her tomorrow....We haven't heard from him yet...She hasn't asked for him, which makes me feel better, but it still breaks my heart..... Good Luck with whatever you decide to do!

Karen - posted on 12/04/2009

If he never comes looking for you then I say good riddance. She doesn't need that kind of male figure in her life. If you don't belong to a church, then I would suggest finding one that has a singles' ministry. If you and your daughter are able to get involved in the church, you may meet someone special that you DO want in your daughter's life :-)

Kayla - posted on 12/04/2009

Quoting Kaari:
 If and when he is ready to be a father he will come looking for the two of you.

What if he never comes lookin for us?? what am i gonna tell my daughter when she asks me why she doesnt have a father im dreading that day...But  u guys are right i dont want that kind of BOY in her life but i do want her to have a male figure in her life...theres to many boys in the world and not enough men it drives me crazy

Kristine - posted on 12/04/2009

dont bother to contact him!.. u need to focus ur attention to ur daughter now.. forget that man!..u dnt deserve him..u deserve someone better..

Karen - posted on 12/03/2009

If he denies being the father and is involved in "bad stuff", I don't think I would want that kind of person around my daughter.

Vanessa - posted on 12/03/2009

My daughter's father was a friend who never wanted children, and I knew that from the day I met him. So when I found out I was pregnant there were a few months where we didn't see each other while he got over his anger (mostly directed at himself). He did manage to hang out with me during the last four or five months of my pregnancy, but he decided not to tell anyone, family or friends, so we would hang out at his place which wasn't too different to what we'd do before I got pregnant anyway. Now we have a text conversation once a week or so and I have seen him two or three times on my way home from being out when I had a babsitter, and if it seems natural to refer to my daughter I will, I don't censor what I say, nor do I go on and on about her. While I enjoy having just that little bit of him in my life, my main reason to do it is to 'keep the door open' for him - which is the point of my big intro! I've accepted where he is, and understand why, and whether your daughter's father has a good reason for being out of her life or not, that's how it is at the moment. Trying to force him into your daughter's life will probably end up in heartache - and this time for your daughter. It could also make him regard your daughter as a burden or annoyance which I'm sure is not how you want her to be thought of!
I would probably require medical treatment for shock if my friend ever wanted to be part of my daugher's life (and we have such different views of life that I must confess it is so much easier without him!), but if he does then I feel its his right. However I know that that will be a hard decision for him to make, and even harder for him to act on. Pride or fear will stop him from getting in touch, if we ever drift apart. So for that reason I text him each week after our favourite show to get his opinion on the episode and will throw in other odd comments as they seem appropriate - so that there is still that little 'bridge' between us which will make it easier if he ever wants to 'come over'.
It sounds like your daughter's dad is doing stuff that makes it look like he's not ready to be a part of her life right now. But if you can I would recommend you let him know that when he's ready he's welcome. But like others have said earlier: don't try to make him involved just for the sake of giving your daugher a father. Like the saying goes: "anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad." If he ever decides to step up to his responsibilites as a father then I think it's his right to be involved, but if not then there are worse things that not having a father.
Good luck, I know it's really hard thinking as a mum sometimes and not a woman.

Kathleen/Deborah - posted on 12/02/2009

Hey Girl, , , you have been in my PRAYERS!!!

Kaari - posted on 12/02/2009

Personally I would leave it alone for now. If he is involved in bad things what kind of father would he be? Are they things that you want your saughter exposed to? If and when he is ready to be a father he will come looking for the two of you.

Dianne - posted on 12/02/2009

I know that you would like your child to know her father. I kind of went through the same thing. My daughter's father didn't help by was in her life from time to time. Now her is in jail. I think that you should just take care of your little one by yourself, It will be hard to do. I know that. I have been doing it for so long. Hope all is well with you and your daughter.

Natalia - posted on 12/02/2009

me being me...i wouldnt contact him because u said hes into something bad...that WILL affect YOU and your BABY....HECK NO gyrl....just leave it alone...watever u been doing since u were 3 months pregnant just keep it up!!! u WILL make it!!

Kayla - posted on 12/02/2009

remember whoever your child is around will influence her personality and who she is.

I never really thought about it that way because i was just so desperate for her to have a father...but thats great advice. And im sure he would add extra drama and stress to my life because he did the first couple months i was pregnant.But thanks again for making me think.

Krystal - posted on 12/01/2009

Well, your answer is right there..."involved in some bad stuff" ....You are her protecter so, I'd advise wait till he straightens out his act. I wouldn't bother with contacting unless he's fully capable of being involved in your daughter's life. You don't want unneccesary disappointment for child in the future. Also, look at this way less stress for you right now, remember whoever your child is around will influence her personality and who she is.

Naomi - posted on 12/01/2009

my son dad i somtimes wish he was gone and out because now he is in jail and does bad things i wouldnt but if u think it would b the best than try.

Kayla - posted on 12/01/2009

THANK YOU LADIES soo much i really appreciate your feed back.I do think that for now shes better off not knowing him especially if hes going to be a partime dad. i feel like because i had an active father in my life i wanted her to be given the same opportunity. But theres no point in me hunting him down and forcing him to be a father if he doesnt want to be.Although i get alot of help from my mother and sisters its still hard being a single mother and i know that one day she's goin to ask me about him...i just dont know what i would say

Kisha - posted on 12/01/2009

My daughter's dad did the same thing then when she was 7 years old he asked me to see her he did good for a while now she is 11 he doesn't call her or see her very much any more and it breaks my heart I was always honest about who he was but my dad has been a positive male role model for her life and is here if she needs any thing I almost regret him meeting her children are a blessing and if he doesn't appreciate that then he doesn't deserve it

Jen - posted on 11/30/2009

i wouldn't look him up right now if he is in to some bad stuff. Maybe when she is older tell her about her father and when she is old enough and mature enough let her make the decision on weather she would like to look up her father and meet him.

Korey - posted on 11/30/2009

I'm in the same boat. My baby's father has called and seemed interested but he's so shady! He doesn't want to be on the birth certificate but doesn't deny paternity. It's not like we dated at all. There were no intentions on getting pregnant but it happened.
I was raised by a single mom along with my brother and sister and honestly don't really notice a difference but i don't want to deny my son the opportunity to know his father. However, I do hope that if the dad is going to be involved that he stay involved to the end, or fizz out right now.
Here's hoping the best for your predicament as well as mine. It took me over two weeks to even bother telling him that I had my baby. He has yet to see him and he's now 9 weeks old. Although we do get the occasional phone call.

Nicole - posted on 11/30/2009

honestly, if he is involved in bad stuff, is denying her, and hasnt been involved; what right does he have to even be involved in a miracle like that. he hasnt shown that he wants to be there so chances are that he doesnt. i say shell have a good father figure in your fam members or when you find a great man to love both of you. once i told my bd i was preg(about 4months) and he denied my son; i never looked back; but then again im stubborn like that. i wish you luck and dont put her in a situtation that isnt good for you or her...much love

Tracey - posted on 11/30/2009

Hi Kayla,it is your decision.i,m in the same situation as you and decided that it would be better for the time being that my son has no contact.He can decide when he is older if he wants to find his father and i would support him.At the moment he is a very happy little boy with a lot of love in his life I don,t want to confuse him and make him insecure which is what would happen if i were to push it now.His dad accepts that this is his son but still has no interest and still has to grow up.That would damage my son and i don,t want that to happen.i really wish you all the luck in the world,but you sound like a really good mother and one good parent can be enough.take care x

Kathleen/Deborah - posted on 11/30/2009

Hi Karla, , , only you can answet that question. I can only speak about my own personal experience as an older mother of 2 biracial children.

My eldest daughter is 31! I became a single mother due to physical abuse. It was his decision to stay away from his daughter. I chose not to speak hatefully about him to Jamelle because I didn't want her to form an opion about her father with my feelings. I let her speak to him on occasion when I felt it was the right time.

You are the only parent your child knows at this point. You are her protector. It is important for you to see what is needed in her life. I knew I had to protect my daughter from any form of confusion in her head. I needed to make sure her mental health was taken care of. I was responsible for keeping her safe from all TOXIC energy. I did whatever it took to avoid conflict and being argumentative when speaking to her father. In the long run -- he ran from the situation. He wasn't able to cope with the divorce so he chose not to deal with it.

I tried to keep in contact with Gary's father BUT he got with another woman within a few months. It was too painful for him to admit to his flaws of being a father. SO he also ABANDONED his son. I was told by dr not to allow any contact between the 2 of them because it caused Gary alot of stress. He began to think that he did something for his dad to shut him out of his life. Gary stayed angry most of the time.

Go with your GUT feeling and not your heart. God Bless you Sweetie!

Kayla - posted on 11/30/2009

yea i mean ide like for him to be involved but i cant force him...shes happy and im sure she'll be happy without him too...thanks for your input

Kim - posted on 11/30/2009

I don't know if anyone can make that decision for you, but I wish you the best in this difficult situation. I made the decision to let my daughter meet her father if she chooses to when she gets older. For now, we're doing it alone and she's a very happy little girl.