Jessica - posted on 08/17/2012 ( 28 moms have responded )
This isn't a question. I feel really lost and messed up. I can't say I'm depressed because truthfully I'm not. I can't even describe my emotion. I'm 26 and I'm 18 weeks pregnant my boyfriend left me a week after finding out, for a 20 yr old... Pill popping, alcoholic. He's 26 as well. I don't even understand why I am thinking about him and missing him because I'm not even thinking about the good times we had, I'm thinking about the bad and yet wishing he'd come back.
Even a short recap of my story is going to be long, but I'll try my best to gut it. We started dating april of 2011. We had been friends since February he was on state parole (should have been my first sign but I don't like judging people until I know them) It was good at first. We were two of a kind and everyone loved being around us. We had our first fight a little over a month in. I had Carpal tunnel and he stole my Vicodin. He got upset when I accused him and was so adamant that he didn't take them I believed him. We also fought that night cuz he went to a wedding and slept with someone. He denied that also even though I read it for myself he made me doubt I read it right. I stayed with him. (already you're seeing how I can't understand why I'm missing him).
In June we had a pregnancy scare I had a false positive test. We had talked n he was excited about me possibly bein pregnant said he'd be there with me til the day he died. Well at the time he was djing and one night while I was going for an ultrasound to confirm he got picked up by his po and tossed in jail for working in a bar.
He told me I didn't have to stay with him, but I did. He was sent to a halfway house from June-oct. I was there for him to the point I pushed my heart over the edge. I couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes without passing out. I was diagnosed with neuro-cardiogenic syncope. (which also makes me a high risk pregnancy)
We were good again til about September. He had started talking to his ex again. One day on one of his passes he left his Facebook signed in on my computer and her conversation up. On my birthday he told her he didn't love me and he still loved her. I confronted him n we talked about it. He gave up some excuse I let it go. Then one day his phone (which I was paying for) was on the table and it went off and there were nude pictures of her. I contacted her bf who the next morning sent me nude pictures of my boyfriend that were sent to her... With my clothes in the background!
I still stayed with him. It was stupid again should have ran away when I had the chance. He even flirted and tried to get with the security guard of the halfway house. The thing was when things were good, they were amazing and us together were great. We were completely compatible. He just had a problem with lying and cheating. I guess that's why he had a criminal record...
Once he got out of the halfway house we broke up because I was very sick with my heart and he left me alone for a week. After two weeks of being apart we got back together. I didn't know he was already seeing someone else. (this was in November) by January I found out he was sleeping around with at least 4 girls. I found my car at his ex girlfriends house after he didn't come home one night. He told me he was only there because she told him she was pregnant and he wanted to make sure it was true. I believed him. It was another 2 weeks and he totaled my car. This time I broke up with him. Not only broke up with him but told him I was done and moving to ga. Once I told him that he went and slept with his ex again and joined one of those online hook up sites.
By the end of feb I was hanging around a new guy who liked me. My ex for the first time since he knew me was afraid of losing me and acted like it. He completely changed. All the girls were gone, he was home early, we were going out he was paying for me, he went to work and home to be with me. It was great. Our relationship finally was a real relationship. Then the end of March he got a text of a pee stick. His ex was pregnant. I was done I was leaving, but he cried and I stayed. Things were still amazing between us (despite his ex now had a reason to talk to him and try to get him back again) until he started talking to the 20 yr old again. I was already pregnant we just didn't know. When he started talking to her and popping prescriptions drugs (that I didn't know) we started fighting. He started never wanting to be home and when he was home he was a total jerk. I was going to break it off but I had this feeling I was pregnant. I was on bc I had gotten off it once when we broke up after he totaled my car but was back on.
2 weeks later after i got the gut feeling, I took a test and sure enough I was. I cried. I knew he was going to leave me and if he didn't I really didn't want to be pregnant the same time as his ex and go through everything with him right after she did! I was going to tell him the night before but he was "at work". He was actually at a bar he made me find a ride home from my job, making me believe he was working. I'm sure the other patrons of the bar had a good laugh as he yelled at me on the phone telling me he was on his break.
The next day he acted like I got pregnant the night before just to screw with him because he was so adamant with his lie he would have broken up with me than admit it. He stayed for a week making my life hell refusing to sleep in the same bed with me, coming home 3 am, texting the 20 yr old all night and trying to hang with her. When he was home he wanted nothing to do with me. Finally he got mad and left me. I didn't even know, he had his friend pick him up she told me they'd meet me after work. When I got out of work I was ignored and 3am I was out driving around looking for him, bawling my eyes out. He was with the 20 yr old. After a week of taking care of his dog and fighting while he hung with her everyday I finally gave up and brought his dog to his house and made him pack his stuff up. I continued on with my pregnancy alone.
He tried talking to me once on my birthday but he didn't think I'd find out he was in a relationship with the 20 yr old. He was telling me he knew he screwed up with me and wanted things to be better between us. He got all cold and silent cuz he thought I said I was in a relationship. I told him I wasn't. Two days later it was public he was in a relationship with the 20 yr old. I told him off and he called me crazy saying I over react and it's none of my business who he dates.
So you can see there's no reason why I should miss this person. The only thing I can think of is that it's the pregnancy hormones that make me hope he'll realize how much he screwed up and want to treat me right and come back. I wanted a family with him I loved him even though he was horrible.
On top of going through the pregnancy alone my coworkers judge me and say because I'm single and have a heart condition Im not fit to be a mother. I should have aborted the baby or give it up for adoption. Maybe that's why all of a sudden I'm missing him because so much is against me that I just wish he was here with me. My parents are behind me fully and support me more than I could ever thank them for, but it's still not the same. I feel like I am crazy for all of a sudden missing him and wanting a man like that in my child's life? When i KNOW that's not what I want at all. I want the best for my child and I want a man who will be a good role model on how to treat a woman by the way he treats me.
Though our relationship is horrible now that I am pregnant I don't regret it at all. I haven't even met this baby and I love it with all my heart. Though sometimes I can't even believe that I'm really pregnant. It's like it can't be real.
Thanks for listening.