Single and pregnant. Confused and emotionally stuck

Jessica - posted on 08/17/2012 ( 28 moms have responded )

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This isn't a question. I feel really lost and messed up. I can't say I'm depressed because truthfully I'm not. I can't even describe my emotion. I'm 26 and I'm 18 weeks pregnant my boyfriend left me a week after finding out, for a 20 yr old... Pill popping, alcoholic. He's 26 as well.  I don't even understand why I am thinking about him and missing him because I'm not even thinking about the good times we had, I'm thinking about the bad and yet wishing he'd come back. 

Even a short recap of my story is going to be long, but I'll try my best to gut it. We started dating april of 2011. We had been friends since February he was on state parole (should have been my first sign but I don't like judging people until I know them) It was good at first. We were two of a kind and everyone loved being around us. We had our first fight a little over a month in. I had Carpal tunnel and he stole my Vicodin. He got upset when I accused him and was so adamant that he didn't take them I believed him. We also fought that night cuz he went to a wedding and slept with someone. He denied that also even though I read it for myself he made me doubt I read it right. I stayed with him. (already you're seeing how I can't understand why I'm missing him). 

In June we had a pregnancy scare I had a false positive test. We had talked n he was excited about me possibly bein pregnant said he'd be there with me til the day he died. Well at the time he was djing and one night while I was going for an ultrasound to confirm he got picked up by his po and tossed in jail for working in a bar. 
He told me I didn't have to stay with him, but I did. He was sent to a halfway house from June-oct. I was there for him to the point I pushed my heart over the edge. I couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes without passing out.  I was diagnosed with neuro-cardiogenic syncope. (which also makes me a high risk pregnancy)

We were good again til about September. He had started talking to his ex again. One day on one of his passes he left his Facebook signed in on my computer and her conversation up. On my birthday he told her he didn't love me and he still loved her. I confronted him n we talked about it. He gave up some excuse I let it go. Then one day his phone (which I was paying for) was on the table and it went off and there were nude pictures of her. I contacted her bf who the next morning sent me nude pictures of my boyfriend that were sent to her... With my clothes in the background! 
I still stayed with him. It was stupid again should have ran away when I had the chance. He even flirted and tried to get with the security guard of the halfway house. The thing was when things were good, they were amazing and us together were great. We were completely compatible. He just had a problem with lying and cheating.  I guess that's why he had a criminal record... 
Once he got out of the halfway house we broke up because I was very sick with my heart and he left me alone for a week. After two weeks of being apart we got back together. I didn't know he was already seeing someone else. (this was in November) by January I found out he was sleeping around with at least 4 girls. I found my car at his ex girlfriends house after he didn't come home one night. He told me he was only there because she told him she was pregnant and he wanted to make sure it was true. I believed him. It was another 2 weeks and he totaled my car. This time I broke up with him. Not only broke up with him but told him I was done and moving to ga. Once I told him that he went and slept with his ex again and joined one of those online hook up sites. 
By the end of feb I was hanging around a new guy who liked me. My ex for the first time since he knew me was afraid of losing me and acted like it. He completely changed. All the girls were gone, he was home early, we were going out he was paying for me, he went to work and home to be with me. It was great. Our relationship finally was a real relationship. Then the end of March he got a text of a pee stick. His ex was pregnant. I was done I was leaving, but he cried and I stayed. Things were still amazing between us (despite his ex now had a reason to talk to him and try to get him back again) until he started talking to the 20 yr old again. I was already pregnant we just didn't know. When he started talking to her and popping prescriptions drugs (that I didn't know) we started fighting. He started never wanting to be home and when he was home he was a total jerk. I was going to break it off but I had this feeling I was pregnant. I was on bc I had gotten off it once when we broke up after he totaled my car but was back on. 
2 weeks later after i got the gut feeling, I took a test and sure enough I was. I cried. I knew he was going to leave me and if he didn't I really didn't want to be pregnant the same time as his ex and go through everything with him right after she did!  I was going to tell him the night before but he was "at work". He was actually at a bar he made me find a ride home from my job, making me believe he was working. I'm sure the other patrons of the bar had a good laugh as he yelled at me on the phone telling me he was on his break. 

The next day he acted like I got pregnant the night before just to screw with him because he was so adamant with his lie he would have broken up with me than admit it. He stayed for a week making my life hell refusing to sleep in the same bed with me, coming home 3 am, texting the 20 yr old all night and trying to hang with her. When he was home he wanted nothing to do with me. Finally he got mad and left me. I didn't even know, he had his friend pick him up she told me they'd meet me after work. When I got out of work I was ignored and 3am I was out driving around looking for him, bawling my eyes out. He was with the 20 yr old. After a week of taking care of his dog and fighting while he hung with her everyday I finally gave up and brought his dog to his house and made him pack his stuff up. I continued on with my pregnancy alone.
He tried talking to me once on my birthday but he didn't think I'd find out he was in a relationship with the 20 yr old. He was telling me he knew he screwed up with me and wanted things to be better between us. He got all cold and silent cuz he thought I said I was in a relationship. I told him I wasn't. Two days later it was public he was in a relationship with the 20 yr old. I told him off and he called me crazy saying I over react and it's none of my business who he dates. 

So you can see there's no reason why I should miss this person. The only thing I can think of is that it's the pregnancy hormones that make me hope he'll realize how much he screwed up and want to treat me right and come back. I wanted a family with him I loved him even though he was horrible. 

On top of going through the pregnancy alone my coworkers judge me and say because I'm single and have a heart condition Im not fit to be a mother. I should have aborted the baby or give it up for adoption. Maybe that's why all of a sudden I'm missing him because so much is against me that I just wish he was here with me. My parents are behind me fully and support me more than I could ever thank them for, but it's still not the same. I feel like I am crazy for all of a sudden missing him and wanting a man like that in my child's life? When i KNOW that's not what I want at all. I want the best for my child and I want a man who will be a good role model on how to treat a woman by the way he treats me. 
Though our relationship is horrible now that I am pregnant I don't regret it at all. I haven't even met this baby and I love it with all my heart. Though sometimes I can't even believe that I'm really pregnant. It's like it can't be real. 
Thanks for listening. 

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Rachel - posted on 09/27/2012

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Jessica,

I can feel what you are going through as I read your post. My situation was and is very similar to yours. My ex left me before I found out I was pregnant and then one week later "came back" when I told him I was pregnant. He never really "came back" and I lived with him and the horrible relationship for 7 months. I cried, had anxiety, depression and strong bouts of loneliness the entire time he was "there". At 7 months I couldn't take his drinking and verbal abuse anymore and had to decide what to do. He made the decision for me when he left me at 7 months pregnant. Oh boy, I wanted him back and would have done anything to make him come back! 2 days after he left I found out I had gestational diabetes and needed to change my diet and learn how to give myself insulin 3 times a day with weekly doc appts and figuring out how to do it all alone. I have an amazing family and support system but didn't want to burden them with my problems so I laid most nights crying and feeling sorry for myself thinking I am going to fail as a mother to my daughter. But you know what?? It was the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life! I am expecting my little girl any day now and have done a lot of work on finding out who I am, but most of all learning how to forgive myself and heal myself so that I can be the best mother I can possibly be! I now understand that the relationships I was in and the bullying I allowed to be directed towards me was a wake up call on how others viewed me. So what was I going to do to change the way I allowed others to treat me? I have a very dear friend who is a Reiki Master and has taught me a lot about myself these past 3 months and I have been going thru emotional healing that has been going on for years but now am learning to understand it. I truly feel NOW that I deserve the best and no matter what life throws at me I am going to learn and grow and take the positive out of each situation instead of focusing on the negative. Going thru the hormonal stress and owning a small business having an apt I can't afford and bills that always need paid somehow all get done! You have made the correct steps by reaching out for advice and have this inner strength inside you already! I know I don't know you and vice versa but know that you are not alone and you will find that inner peace you are looking for. Believe in yourself and good things will come. I am still learning as I go here and I have a lot of worries about doing this on my own but I know with my faith and the faith in myself I will persevere and give the best life I can to my little girl. I know you will find that with in yourself when you are ready. Take it from someone who was in the same type of relationship. You can do it!! Believe in you!!

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TeamRicki - posted on 02/21/2013

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Marla - posted on 11/07/2012

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Rose - posted on 10/05/2012

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Girl! I'm 25 and I swear to you he sounds JUST LIKE MY EX! I did the same thing felt sorry for my baby and the "how could I be so dumb" but trust me on day soon you will realize that all your baby needs is LOVE and SUPPORT FROM YOU!! If some dude is gonna treat you like that how do you think he will treat his kid? I have two boys with different daddy's, and yes at frist I was like what are people saying, what do people think, do they think that all I do is have unprotected sex, which btw I don't both times it was birth control failure, then one day I just told myself you know what I DON'T CARE! I love my kids they love me I can support all 3 of us and that's what matters if your baby is happy and you are happy with your baby F him and F your coworkers!! Keep you head high there is someone out there for you, but if you find mine let me know I think mine got ran over by a bus or something lol. Anyways like I said keep your head high you will do just fine, and if you ever need someone your age to talk let me know. I'm sure I'm the only Rose on this site.

Bobbie - posted on 10/04/2012

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Dear Child of Mine to be,



I am so excited that you are coming into my life. Still, I have to say that if your bio comes to my door and tells me he double dog dares me to take him back I am going to take a crack at it again. It has been weeks / months since I have heard from him. He must have matured like totally big time by now. Besides, I don't think he really meant it when he was unfaithful all those times. Why do you want to know if he used protection? I don't think he passed anything on to me that could harm either of us. Anyways how could that be his fault ?! I can't blame him for not giving me any real consideration. It's not like were married.

I want you to understand the real guy that got me pregnant. You may hear that he also has another child coming at the same time but that was her fault, she didn't take precautions to be sure she didn't get preggars by a man that wasn't really hers or devoted to her like he was to me.

He wasn't always where he was suppose to be but I had to give him the benefit of the doubt didn't I? I mean I had no choice but to chance him down so I could try to understand how he really felt about our relationship. You will have to see how sweet he is when he is sorry about something. Just the way he works to stay in the apartment and drive my car and have me pay for all the bills really shows he is willing to work on our relationship.

I know I really love him too because I drove around town at 3 a.m. stressing my heart even though your little heart was beating right under it. I just knew when he saw my tears he would put me back to first in line so it was well worth the risk. I want to be number one with him, even though I have long since realized there is a number two, three and four. They don't mean anything to him really, he told me so. He loves me the very best, scouts honor, and he wouldn't use the scout sign unless he really, really means it!

So my sweet child, I am praying that your dad will suddenly wake up and see the way he treated me was so wrong and that I really am not a push over. That he really does have to be on his best behavior all the time, like that short period of time when he was afraid I had really wised up and dumped him for another guy. Gee, he was really really sorry that time. I know he was the last time too but this time he actually acted like a real boyfriend. A real true, honest boyfriend and I wasn't sad, not even once for a whole week straight! That tells me he will be great when he stops being who he is and starts being who I want him to be. I do hope you get to spend some quality time with him. Maybe he will sneak you into the club so the girls he is messing around with can see how cute your are. Of course, I will be in the dark about such events when he has you. But you are going to love his sense of humor and his way of making everything seem like it was a mistake when things don't go well and he is caught in a lie. He will be so very sweet to you to reassure you after he doesn't show up for you and make it sound as if it was someone elses fault so believe me, you will learn not to mind. It will take time to really get to know him. He isn't who he acts like he is most of the time.

So even though he isn't in our lives right now I am sure he will be as long as there are no 20 year old girls forcing themselves on him. You'll see, he is just wonderful when he is on his best behavior, like when he isn't taking pills, working the bars and breaking parole.

P.S. I just can't wait til they lock him up for a real long time. I know he will call then and we can both go visit him on a regular basis! He will be so well behaved!

Tia - posted on 10/02/2012

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"I guess that's why he had a criminal record..." You guess.This was too long for me to sit here and read.He was a criminal,slut and he lived in a halfway house.We get it.You know I thought my life was bad until I read this.Why was this guy living with you or in your house in the first place?And why were you paying for his cell phone bill?He will not be a good role model for your baby.There is just no way.Just try to meet some new people and look foward to meeting a new guy who can be a good role model for you baby.I'm not saying it will happen,but if you want someone new and better you got to let go of this guy.If you wanted a good role model for your child,you should have just waited for marriage.

Sophia - posted on 09/30/2012

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I am so sorry... If you'd like to talk to someone, feel free to email or friend request me on Facebook (if you have an account): sophiawoolleydenton@gmail.com Hope you feel better :)

Jessica - posted on 09/21/2012

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Miranda- Thank you so much for sharing your story. It does help me. Things have gotten awful with him. His girlfriend apparently looks at my facebook page and has messaged me calling me pathetic when I say I can't wait to not love him anymore, etc, because I should just "get over it and stop crying because I didn't get what I want." Tells me that she thinks I'm psychotic and pathetic because I got pregnant on purpose (a lie my ex has told everyone because he doesn't want to take any responsibility for getting two girls pregnant). She tells me she's going to be there for the child. (Which will be over my dead body, I know for a fact she does drugs.) I am trying to take it day by day. I'm so sorry you had to go through so much! Chris sounds like my ex- sleeping around on me with multiple people and getting someone else pregnant while with me. It makes me sick, yet then I have the days I miss him and bawl my eyes out over the whole thing. I know once the baby is born it'll be easier.



Alaina- Yeah, well I was on birth control. Unfortunately, this time I learned the hard way how much people are creatures of habit.



Christina- Thank you for your comment. I'm definitely not putting him on the birth certificate. He says right now he doesn't want anything to do with the baby, but that changes all the time. He just threatened me the other day because his new girlfriend emailed me out of nowhere and was hurt when I answered her questions. (I'm guessing because he never fully told her the truth and she didn't realize the extent that he had used her as a home wrecker between us. Though she had me as a friend on facebook at the time, so no matter what lies he told her it was pretty obvious we were in a relationship on facebook). He texted me telling me that I better leave him and his girlfriend alone or having this baby is going to be much harder than I think. I laughed because I have stayed out of their lives. She felt the need to look at my facebook and write to me about stuff she read. I know his words are empty; they always have been. I really don't want him in and out of the child's life because I know he doesn't keep his word to anyone ever. Not only that but I saw a recent picture of him and he looks like he did before I met him when he was addicted to heroin, prescription pills, and alcohol. I know his new girlfriend is into drugs and I found evidence that he was back into prescription drugs at the end of our relationship. This is not something I want around my daughter. He knew when he was with me I didn't want that around me and that I would not put up with that stuff in our relationship.



Mischa- Thank you for the information on DCSS I will be using that. I really don't want him getting any type of rights at all. I will let him and his family come see the baby, but now that his druggie girlfriend is also living with him I will not bring the baby to him. I also don't want the baby left alone with him. I'm just afraid he'll be able to lie to the courts. He gets tested from his PO but he knows when he can do what he wants and come up with a clean test, or just avoids his PO when he knows he won't pass. He gets away with a lot that he isn't supposed too. It's one thing when it's his own life but I don't want him get away with stuff with the baby. :/



Laura- Your story is similar to mine! I know that he would hurt the child (not physically), but with his environment and habits. I know that I can't just take him back. I can't let my child go through everything I went through even before the baby was here. He would have to prove he's willing to change his whole life to be in my life or the child's, because I've seen it- if he doesn't get rid of everything in his life he relapses back into the stuff he was in. That's what he's going through now. His mother is heart broken watching it and can't do anything about it. I can't let that happen when the baby is here.



Cherelle- Thank you. :) It's so hard for me to say I hope he does stay away but I know more than anything that's what needs to happen.



Andrea- I will definitely pick up the book! Thank you.

Andrea - posted on 09/20/2012

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Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People that Drain You Dry. The guy sounds like a narcissist. This book will help you so much. Believe me....been there....my ex wasn't into crime though, but the lying, cheating, making me doubt myself, that was there.

Cherelle - posted on 09/18/2012

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its your baby and your life as long as you have the support of your family and true friends thats all that matters hopefully he will do you a favour and stay away you and your child are going to have sooo much fun together :) wishing you well and hopefully you will soon see how strong you are dont let any1 put you down as long as your both happy sod them all good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x

Laura - posted on 09/17/2012

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I have gone through almost the same thing. Its crazy how similar our stories are. While I was pregnant (after my baby's father left) I missed him like crazy and everytime he wanted to work things out I came right back to him. Every opportunity I had I would beg him to change. As my son's due date came close I began opening my eyes to how horrible of a person he was. I began realizing how much I love my son. Everyone was telling me I needed to get an abortion and it hurt me that they thought I should just get rid of him.

It is normal to want your family to be together. But it seems like he would hurt your child more than help you child. He is immature and missing out on so much. But you will find a guy that will treat you and your child how you should be treated. Dont worry.

Mischa - posted on 09/11/2012

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1. I dated a real A#$hole too. Well, my pregnancyt was hell, like yours. Well in my case, I was the 'other woman' and I did not know it. Imagine how stupid I felt when hearing this at my child support hearing! I don't do home wrecking wh*r*- trust me. So...we made a pretty bad mistake on these guys....don't beat yourself up over it....and the good news...you'll get over that jerk when you have that little baby in your arms and disgusted by the thought of someone who is not sober caring for your child- recipe for disaster if you tell me. So- Google- "DCSS", you can start a child support/paternity case before you give birth- they will serve him after the baby is born. Collect your money, and hopefully, he stays out of the picture. He's trouble. Trust me.

Christina - posted on 09/06/2012

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Hey Jessica,



Im so sorry your going through this alone but just remember your getting the better end of the deal. All i can say is it will get better and if he wants nothing to do with you and the baby then cut him out too. A friend of mine had the same situation happen to her and what she did was she never put him on the birth certificate. She did it cuz she didnt want him to come back n forth into her babies life.



That is up to you what you do but it just protects you and your baby. It mean he would have no rites to your baby and if he wanted to have rites then he would have to take you to court for a DNA test before anything went on. Doing it that way mean no child support its all you. Just depends how you look at things.



Jessica, remember some guys are so stupid and dont want to grow up and until its too late. Guys dont feel what us women feel. We feel these gorgeous lil babies grow in us they dont. Your life changed as soon as you got pregnant, some guys dont change until they see the baby face to face. Just depends on the guy.



Either way Jessica, focus on you and the baby. hes the one that looks bad in this situation not you. Just show him you dont need him to raise this child. Just make sure you have friends n family to help support you and of course we are all here for you too.



Good luck!!!!!!



Christina

[deleted account]

Humans are creatures of habit. Smokers still like to have something in their hands and mouth, though they've given up the habit. Drinkers will often do the same, and they will always have a drink of some sort, and the way they drink it could be regarded as rapidly lol. Anything you do for a period of time causes "habit". That habit either needs broken, or... find you a friend with bennies lol. This time, use protection.



The end.



P.S. Guys are pretty shallow, and many would settle for a warm apple pie. Don't think you can't find one who will... ummm, you get the idea.

Miranda - posted on 08/29/2012

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Okay, first of all it's not crazy to miss him. You are having a baby and will therefore be connected to him the rest of your life. Secondly, it is mostly the hormones that make you feel all crazy. It's nuts how emotional we get when we are pregnant. Thirdly, screw your coworkers. They don't know jack. If you want to keep the baby that's your choice and your right--and none of their business.



Now I will tell you my story to give you a little perspective.



I met my kids' dad in high school. We dated for seven months then my mom made me break up with him because of his religous beliefs. We got back together after I graduated and then he met someone else and dumped me. I found out I was pregnant two weeks later. He wanted me to have an abortion, but I refused. After my son was born he visited once in awhile, until he decided to move to Arizona to be with a girl he met online. I didn't hear from him for two years, then he showed up one day, telling me he wanted me back. Like the fool I am I let him back in, but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. I got pregnant with my daughter and he left once again. He's getting married now, and never visits the kids.



I worked at Kwik Trip for several years, and last December one of my regular customers came in and asked me for my phone number. It had been two years since a guy had shown any interest in me. We started texting and one thing led to another. Things went well until March. He told me his ex was back from out of state and about to have his baby. He told me he wanted to be there for the baby, but didn't want it to change our relationship. He assured me that he and his ex were just good friends. I thought it was very responsible of him to help with the baby.



Well things got weird after that, because he only came over once a month and I started feeling like a whore, because he never did anything with me besides sleep with me. I found out I was pregnant about five weeks ago and texted him. Then I started getting texts from a person I didnt' know, but I soon figured out it was his ex-the one who had the baby back in April. I was a little confused and so was she--I asked her to have coffee so we could talk.



It was the most revealing talk of my life. It turned out she was Chris's gf, not his ex and they had been living together since January. I was totally floored. She told me she had hated me at first because Chris had told her that I knew he had a gf and slept with him anyway. She was very grateful that I told her the truth. Chris has cheated on her many times and she totally supports him financially. I feel terrible for her, but we are friends now which is good, because our kids will be half siblings.



This baby will be Chris's sixth according to his gf. I told her he better get a second job, because if he has time to screw around with all these women then he can use his time to work-I will be going after him for child support. It sounds like he is sleeping with more women than he can keep track of. One of them was my little sister. He slept with her last summer when she had just turned 18--he's 43. It's enough to make me sick, and while I am mad at my sister, most of my anger is for him. 18 yr olds can be gullible, and Chris is way old enough to know better.



So my advice to you is just to go with it. I know it sucks right now, but I promise it will get better. Trust me--I've been a single mom for a long time and it appears I will continue to be. You sound really nice and I bet you'll find a nice guy someday. Don't rush it though-the important thing is that you are there for your baby. Being mother and father to a child is hard, but very rewarding. It amuses me that on Father's Day my friends text me wishing me a Happy Father's Day, but I am filling both roles, so it's logical.



Just know that you are not alone. There are many of us out there and we are here for you. I hope that I was able to make you feel a little bit better.



Miranda W.

Jessica - posted on 08/26/2012

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Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I am going to to try and direct my reply to each of you as I have been trying to do because I feel so touched by you all individually while I've been going through this.



First I want to say that I am doing a little better than when I wrote this post. I guess my hormones have calmed down a tad bit though of course I can't say I miss my ex as much as I just still find myself hoping he'll come around and want to do the right thing. Even though I don't see that happening.



I have come to find that if you are looking for any type of legal advice, don't go to freeadvice.com unless you want to be wrongfully judged and told to get an abortion a million and one times over since apparently in today's society that's the answer to any baby problems.



I also want to say how amazing this site has been on keeping me sane and finding people who have gone/ are going through the same thing as me. It's much easier to go through when you can see you aren't the only one who's doing it. I actually contacted the other girl who got pregnant by my ex 2 months before me and told her about the site saying that maybe it would help her, since I've heard emotionally she is very strung out. (Well I messaged someone who was her friend and advised them to tell her about the site).



Ok! Now on to responding to those who were kind enough to write me who I have not responded to yet:



Kristen- Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I do feel the same way: what is meant to be will be. I can't even express how supportive my parents have been. Though they are frustrated with the whole situation and I know it's taking a toll on them as well they have been more than understanding and have helped me every way possible. My dad even has taken the time to make me breakfast in the morning since I've been sick! I couldn't imagine going through this without them. I know so many other girls have had to do this all on their own without the support of their parents and I can't begin to express to them how courageous they are! I would be lost, miserable, and a complete mess without them right now. The people at my job who have been judging me are the same people who I've watched judge so many other people for no reason. They are the type of people who feel better than everyone else no matter who you are. I knew this way before they started judging me for being pregnant it just hurt worse because they are undermining me for the biggest commitment of my life that I'm trying so hard to prepare for and am so nervous and unsure of what the future holds already. It's easy when it's something you're so sure of yourself that it doesn't matter what other people think, but when it's something like being a first time mother and you're already scared to death, and left alone by the one person who helped make it happen and promised he'd be there for you. Well, it makes it much easier for those words to knock you off your feet.



Elizabeth- Thank you. I'm against abortion. I have friends who have aborted and I don't hold it against them I love them to death. As for me I could never do it. I believe that every baby has a plan and purpose for their life and just because it didn't happen the way I planned, or when I planned who am I to take away that baby's purpose? Every person who has a child says their baby is the BEST thing that ever happened to them. What if this baby is the best thing that will ever come out of my life and I decided to abort or give it away? What if this baby was my purpose? That's the way I think and I can't abort. It's funny you say I have low expectations in men because if you ever asked any of them they'd tell you I have very high expectations and I'm constantly pushing them to do more and be better. The problem my friends say I have is nothing stops me from caring about them so much. I turn the other cheek so many times that it pretty much makes me lose all the respect I have for myself because I end up letting people walk all over me. Not chasing my ex has been the easy part, the actual letting go where I'm not waking up thinking "maybe this will be the day that he'll want to go back to trying to live a decent life and do the right thing?" Is the hard part. That's what gets me in trouble. Through everything he's done I can't help but still love him for the man underneath all the garbage. It's what makes it so easy for me to all of a sudden drop the anger and the cold shoulders and let him talk and give him the chance to do the right thing. That's what I need to get over.



Phebs- I'm so glad I've joined this site and have been able to read everyone's stories. It has helped me through the hard nights SO much. It's one thing to listen to people who have never been through it to tell you you're fine, it's another thing to hear it from someone who has! It's the women like you who keep me going everyday, who have picked me up and made me not be so scared (though I am still terrified of being a mother, and giving birth). Thank you so much. You are a very inspirational woman, I hope you know that! Your kids are lucky to have you as a mom, and you will meet a better person I can tell you that already! I've been trying to eliminate the stress as much as possible. Everyone keeps saying I'm prematurely worrying about custody and everything else, but how can I not? When my baby is born I want to enjoy my time with my baby not have this huge shadow over my head of ok- now what am I supposed to do now with my ex?



Kaitlyn- Thank you, You aren't much farther along than I am I'll be 5 months next week. If you want someone who's going through it at the same time shoot me a message and maybe we can encourage each other, gripe when we need too, and help each other through this? Just don't tell me about birth until after I go through it please! I've already heard enough stories to give me nightmares for a life time!



Monique- Thank you! Yes, that is completely the truth. I mean you never expect to be doing it alone? Even when you're a little girl and playing house with your friends you never play that the daddy left during pregnancy and you did everything alone! It's so hard to set your mind to the fact that "yes it is going to be done alone and you can do it." That ideally, you want him there, but who's to say that really is the ideal situation? I know when I look at our past relationship even the stuff that I left out (like for instance I provided everything for him, food, gas money, a car, clothes, etc) having him be there in reality would be more of a burden on me than without him anyway. But I still can't help wishing he could still come around and want to. Thank you for being understanding.



Elaine- Wow! thank you for the time you took for your post. I understand what you are saying about the drama queen. Truth is before my ex I really didn't have much drama. I've always been an adventurous person who was very careful who I let close in my life and who I don't. I tend to do anything possible to avoid a conflict, including forgiving and forgetting my hurt rather than getting mad and holding a grudge. I do understand what you are saying and agree that a lot of times it is that. I also agree what you're saying about creating where we are in our life. I take full responsibility for where I am at and understand the saying "You are exactly where you wanted to be". Naturally, I never wanted to be alone, hurt, pregnant, sick, and struggling. Though I can say that I knew fully well that by dating I was taking that chance to be left alone and hurt. By having sex I was taking the chance of getting pregnant and I did know if I did get pregnant I would have to come off my meds. These are all things that I knew could happen and weighed the odds against and went for it. I honestly don't hate my ex. I am hurt by him, but truth is I love him as much as I did in the beginning of our relationship. Difference is not how much I care about him but my awareness of him.



Another place I agree with you is yes it is an indication of judgement on myself. I am my own worst critic. If you could ask anyone who knows me they will tell you that. On a normal basis you can't tell me something that will hurt me worse than I have already hurt myself. As far back as I can remember I've been like that. Works of art I have done I never consider finished I leave them there then one day paint on them more or redo them because they are just never good enough. Reports and projects in school were never good enough I could always improve. I am harsh on myself and always feel that I could be doing things better. In high school my coach told me I was the most competitive person she ever met but I'm not competitive against anyone but myself. I don't care if people are better than me I just need to keep improving and how I played yesterday was never good enough for today. I never cried when I lost a game but I would be extremely angry if I didn't play as well as I think I could have. Though in many ways this is a good trait to have; when it comes to something that I have never done and I know that no one can master (like being a mother) it makes it harder when people judge me for it. I am scared to death of being a mother. From giving birth, to providing for the child, to how long to breast feed, will I have enough patience, will I be too strict/ or to lax, what school is good enough, should I give my child a phone so I can have a tracker on where they are so I can't lose them. I mean today's society is a scary place to raise a child. I have been reading so many parenting books that I can spit a million facts at you, but that still doesn't mean I'll be a good mom. In a situation where I don't have any foundation, it's hard to not be affected by the stones people are throwing my way. What's more uncertain than raising a child? They are a life with their own mind, attitude, creativeness. You don't want to smother it but you also don't want it to run completely amuck. Who is to say the perfect way to raise them up to be the best they can be? Also to add to it that Im doing it alone. I'm dealing with a perfect blend of my genes and my exes. I know how to handle my genes I have my whole life! But how about handling the stuff that's him?



I do try to listen to my intuition unfortunately sometimes my intuition gets in conflict with my heart. If I had listened to my intuition from the beginning I would have left my ex a long time ago. Instead I listened to my heart. Funny really quick story I'm going to share. My friends constantly asked why I kept letting my ex back. Every time I said there's a reason why I'm with him. There's a purpose I haven't found yet. I told them that maybe it was because he was going to go through something that he'd need me for. I didn't know, I just knew that there was a reason. I'd then tell them the story of my ex before him who I was with for 4 years. I told them everything that happened in that relationship that pushed us to moving from California to Pennsylvania. The man who I was dating at that time his family didn't believe in hospitals what so ever. His mother even set his arm with a bamboo stick when he was younger instead of taking him to a hospital! So this is what I told everyone our whole relationship and everything boiled down to- one moment. One night my ex was with my dad helping my aunt and he got severe stomach pains. He was home in bed by the time I came home from work. He was writhing he was in so much pain. Between my father and I we forced him to the hospital (let me tell you what a task that was for a man who didn't believe in drs.) by the time we got him to the emergency room they raced him into a room then after a bit into the OR. They came out later and told us that if we got him there an hour later his appendix would have burst and he would have died. If he was back in California with his family, he wouldn't be here today. That was my purpose in that whole relationship. After that my friends understood why I didnt' leave my ex yet, why I didn't feel in my heart it was time. The purpose for us being together wasn't fulfilled. So of course, when I ended up pregnant (against all odds let me tell you I was on birth control, which for years I never took and never had a pregnancy scare because i had a backwards uterus and they were sure I was infertile. Until I dated my ex then I had my first scare- I had one false positive pregnancy test after that I got on birth control, then a year later I still ended up pregnant) but there was my purpose. After that there was nothing I could do to keep my ex with me. I had to let go and I felt finally in my heart it was the best thing to do under all circumstances no matter how much I loved him. He had gotten back into stuff from his old lifestyle that I wasn't in agreement with without a child, never mind with one coming into our lives! I had to let go. So believing that everything happens for a reason, and there is a purpose for everything is what's gotten me through this pregnancy.



Ok, this was a much longer post than I meant it to be I thank you again Elaine, for your insight and not just reading my post but trying to find full understanding of me and my way of thinking as well through it. :)



Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I don't know any of you personally but I can say a piece of my heart goes to each one of you because you have no idea how much your words have given me the strength that I need to get through each day and keep me focused on what is important. I can't say that every day is easy yet and that there's no more days where that post I wrote doesn't describe me at that moment, but I can say that I'm working my way through, I know I'm doing the right thing, and that I'm not the only girl in the world whose had to face this.



Jess

Elaine - posted on 08/26/2012

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Hi, Jessica,



Sometimes we just plain get addicted to drama. Do you feel like a Drama Queen? There is actually a neurological conditioning that happens. Even though it may seem like it started with this guy, the father of your child and the one you hate/love, it is likely a long standing pattern from childhood that you are re-creating over and over. The good news is, that it can all be undone!



I take a holistic approach to life and in healing all issues. We totally create our lives and although, that may seem like a bitch, if you are standing in your shoes right now, it is incredibly wonderful to know that we also have the power to change it for the better.



For instance, when you feel judged by others, it is an indication of your own judgement on yourself. Do you see the Universe is a mirror analogy at work?



The bottom line is that you were created whole, perfect and complete by God. He has given you everything you need to resolve all problems, but the first step is taking full responsibility for you life and then forgiving yourself completely for all that you feel you have done wrong.



I believe everything happens for a reason and that reason is there to serve us and everyone else involved. So, it's all perfect, my dear friend!! You aren't a screw up, you have just made some mistakes that can be corrected. Your ego mind, wants you to feel guilty and to loathe yourself and your bf. There is a part of you, the Higher Self mind, that knows it's okay to love, but all your confusion comes form listening to your ego.



Start listening to your intuition more. There are indications throughout your post that tells me you are open to hearing your intuition,(you don't regret the pregnancy) which is direct communication form God. So please start trusting your intuition and not the naysayers. By doing so, you will find your way out this seeming mess.



One of the biggest lessons I have learned from being a recovering "nice girl" is to be direct and honest with yourself and others. Draw some clear boundaries as this is the way to love yourself and others. Don't tell others what they want to hear, tell them what you know you need to say to be in integrity. Look for win/wins in all situations. Boundaries are a way to help others learn to respect you. But mostly, when you love and respect yourself, others will to.



I will share here a passage from A Course in Miracles to help give you some perspective. If you apply the principles in this lesson to your situation with commitment you will find relief. You can find the full course on wikipedia.



A Course in Miracles: Workbook for Students — Lesson 31







I am not the victim of the world I see.



Today's idea is the introduction to your declaration of release. Again, the idea should be applied to both the world you see without and the world you see within. In applying the idea, we will use a form of practice which will be used more and more, with changes as indicated. Generally speaking, the form includes two aspects, one in which you apply the idea on a more sustained basis, and the other consisting of frequent applications of the idea throughout the day.



Two longer periods of practice with the idea for today are needed, one in the morning and one at night. Three to five minutes for each of these are recommended. During that time, look about you slowly while repeating the idea two or three times. Then close your eyes, and apply the same idea to your inner world. You will escape from both together, for the inner is the cause of the outer.



As you survey your inner world, merely let whatever thoughts cross your mind come into your awareness, each to be considered for a moment, and then replaced by the next. Try not to establish any kind of hierarchy among them. Watch them come and go as dispassionately as possible. Do not dwell on any one in particular, but try to let the stream move on evenly and calmly, without any special investment on your part. As you sit and quietly watch your thoughts, repeat today's idea to yourself as often as you care to, but with no sense of hurry.



In addition, repeat the idea for today as often as possible during the day. Remind yourself that you are making a declaration of independence in the name of your own freedom. And in your freedom lies the freedom of the world.



The idea for today is also a particularly useful one to use as a response to any form of temptation that may arise. It is a declaration that you will not yield to it, and put yourself in bondage.







Many blessings,

Elaine Enlightening

Monique - posted on 08/25/2012

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You can do it! I was in the same situation as you 3 years ago. Quite naturally you want him to be around because he's the baby's father. I'd say surround yourself amongst positive people and find a hobby that will keep you occupied throughout the rest of your pregnancy. Try not to stress about him and try to stay as happy as possible. It's all abou you! Good luck!

Kaitlyn - posted on 08/25/2012

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I am in the same boat as you are- I am 5 months pregnant and doing it without the father. I found out I was pregnant at 3 months we tried to work things out but he is too much of a dead beat for my liking and alcoholic also so I decided it was better for my son for me to do it without him.. It's going to be hard but you seem like a tough girl and I know you and I can both get through this!! Best of luck Jessica

Phebs - posted on 08/23/2012

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U can do it! U can get threw this! Bringing a child into the world is a big deal - but how many woman out there have done it? I have twice. I remember chanting to myself if the amazon women (the one race I believed had the toughest women and had the hardest environment to have children in) can do it...then so can I!

Women have babied every day of the year - our bodies are designed for this. I can do this I can do this! take a deep breath, search deep within yourself to find ur inner strength and do this!



I am a single mum of two I made the decision to leave my Ex and I did it. He wasn't good for me and a damaging environment isn't good for kids to grow up in - so I changed things. I dramatically changed my life and I am still here today - with two healthy and happy kids. Plus it gets easier once u get threw the pregnancy and birth part. Ur kids give you a reason to live, a reason stronger than anything you have ever known to survive and not just to survive, but to keep getting better, keep improving.



I just kept focusing on my dream, once my kids are old enough I will go back to study and become something. I will be able then to support myself and my kids. I will be financially stable and I won't have any more of this financial stress. I will meet a better person - because I deserve better and I am worth more than that.



Eliminate the stress or the people that stress out ur live - get rid of them and replace them with people who genuinely care about ur well being. U are stronger than u think u are!

Elizabeth - posted on 08/21/2012

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First I am so glad you are not caving into pressure to abort your baby. you sound like a
loving, caring person with very low expectations in Men. A quite typical modern
North American girl. It's too bad but you are not alone. There is lots of help and support for you. Reach out as you are doing here. Let the world know you need love and support, then open up to what comes your way & it will. There are crisis pregnancy centers in every city. Call on them to
help you out. Lean on all of your resources (family friends, church, community) for the next phase. Let go of your ex who obviously can't be there for you, keeping the focus on you &
your baby. In the next couple of years, before you start dating again, try to learn to love & respect
yourself more, raise your standards in all aspects of your life and you will find a good man who will love & respect you and your child.

Kristin - posted on 08/17/2012

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right now take all the help and support you can get from your parents and just worry about taking care of tyou and baby. You are doing the right thing by keeping your baby regardless of what others say. I believe no one has the right to judge anyone as they have not walked in their shoes. I also believe that what is mean to be will be ans all we can do is be the best person we can be. Good luck I am sure everything will work out for you.

Jessica - posted on 08/17/2012

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Thanks Kristin, it's nice to have someone who knows what its like to go through something all alone. With 3 children as well that had to be hard! I'm not holding my breath for the guy at the lake I do owe him a thanks because he helped me stop crying and sticking up for my ex. He helped me to see how awful my ex really was to me! All by being a gentleman! My parents have been amazing through this whole thing. My job is being so horrible with my situation they've been denying my disability because my drs refuse to send me for a test restating proof of my permanent heart condition because they are afraid it may hurt the baby. I hadn't gotten a paycheck since June so I just lost my apartment and had to move back with my parents for the first time since i was 18. Not to mention when the ridicule started happening my parents went in attack mode and jumped to my protection, which was nice.

Kristin - posted on 08/17/2012

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You will be fine i promise. I had my third child all alone as my ex slpit when he found out i was pregnant with out second child. She is 18 months old and her sperm donor has yet to see her. Oh well she is better off and the man I am with now is amazing with my kids he has been there since she was born (long story is he is an old bf and we reconnected) but he works out of town and is only home every other weekend so I know how hard it is doing everything on your own. Plus I was laid off from my job and I had to go back to work when my daughter was only 6 months old. It was a struggle but we made it through and things are super good now. Once the baby girl is born you will feel ten times better and who know the guy you mentioned may have a change of heart and decide to be there for both you and your daughter once he digests the news your pregnant (guy from lake i mean)

Jessica - posted on 08/17/2012

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Thank you so much Louise, Elizabeth, and Kristin for your posts. I know it has to be my hormones because I know from the bottom of my heart that you are right this man is a user. Also that I am deathly afraid of doing this on my own. I know it's going to be hard. I've been trying to do everything to get ready for it. Even when you see on tv couples with newborns in movies and they take turns in the middle of the night taking care of the baby. I'm not going to have that. I know there's MILLIONS of single women out there who have gone through this and are amazing. It's just hard when no one around you understands what it's like to never have the man there from the beginning he didn't leave after the baby was born, he left before the first ultrasound. So everyone's answer is give the baby up for adoption! I'm not that woman I am fully capable of raising a child. Just because the man left I don't see that as an excuse to give up the baby. I have done so much to prepare for this baby. I get so infuriated when people because they are married and pregnant feel that they are better equipped than I am.

On a normal basis I don't think about my ex or miss him. It's just those once in awhile moments that hit me like. 4am this morning and I couldn't even sleep until I wrote it down or talked to a therapist (which is unlikely at 4am!) not to mention it was the first time in my life I ever thought I needed one.

When we fought because he was dating the 20 year old he started fighting with me because when I told him leave me alone he started listing out everything that was wrong in his life including having 2 kids on the way. I then said "Yes, you do and your first move as preparing to be a father is dating a 20 year old who is a known druggie, and raging alcoholic." I told him I didn't want that woman around my child or anyone who lived that type of lifestyle. He went on to call me crazy and said that I probably want to take him for child support also! The only thing I know I want from him is for him to sign over his parental rights and I will let him see the child when I feel is safe. I have already promised his family that if they want to be in the baby's life that is fine. I will bring the baby around. I just don't trust him with any type of custody. His family and I were close when we were together.

Elizabeth, it doesn't sound creepy what you said you sound like you have a huge heart!

I know what you're talking about with the hormones and someone new coming along. About 2 months after he left me ( I hadn't had any contact with him at all) I was at my friends lake and there was a guy who I've been attracted too. He was a friend but we never really talked because I don't develop friendships or look for new ones when i'm in a relationship. When he found out I was single he jumped on the opportunity to get to know me and hang out with me. We actually ended up getting stuck at the lake the entire night because my friend locked my keys in his house and the guy's keys were locked in my car from us going for a beer run for everyone else (since we were the sober ones). We hung out and talked nonstop for 3 days then I felt like I had to tell him. Well it came as such a shock to him that I was pregnant and after that things tended not to be going anywhere. Though he was amazingly gentleman about taking the news. I didn't understand how I let myself so quickly get swept off my feet by this guy. Thank you pregnancy hormones!

Once I start working I think things will be easier I've been out of work since June 11th and probably will for the rest of my pregnancy due to my heart, which is why my coworkers have found that making a joke of me an efficient way to pass the time. I have too much time to think. It's hard also that all my friends had become friends with my ex as well and even though they know he's bad news they all have this soft spot for him and can't say he's a bad guy and can't give him up as a friend because he's become a part of our lives this last year in a half. Which makes it harder to remember what the man really is. My friends don't talk to him on a regular basis or anything but the stories about him, and saying they miss hanging out with him and the stories of us together are a common reference.

It's sad because I was always the girl with the relationship advice people came to me all the time. Then to find myself stuck in a whirlwind relationship such as this that sucked a lot out of me. It was unreal! My friends who came to me for advice lost respect for me. I couldn't understand why I couldn't let this man go, why i wanted to be there with him and help so much.

I have found now that I am pregnant my needs in a man have changed. I am quick to pinpoint problem areas in my head and whether the man is a project, a problem, or self reliant and put together. My mother said that's my motherly instincts kicking in and to listen to them. I am stuck in this place where I'm just as afraid to move on as I am to sit stuck. I don't want to my mind to start sugar coating events and not just missing him cuz of hormones but because of good memories as well.

Kristin - posted on 08/17/2012

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Jessica,
I thiknk you are missing your ex because you are scared of being alone and pregnant. I went through this as well and trust me you are way better off without him. I would cut all communication with him until the baby is born and then take him to court for child support and visitation. I know it is hard especially with all the hormones raging but in the long run you will be better off. Do not worry what your co workers say they have no room to judge. My gf has twins at 19 and she had a heart transplant when she was 15 and her daughter had a heart transplant when she was 2 and mt friend did it all on her own with no help from the father just her family and now she is married and her husband legally adopted her twin girls and she is so happy. SO trust me you will be fine just stay strong and remeber your deserve so much better and so does your uborn little girl.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/17/2012

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Awww sweet heart!!! This is just like my situation last year.

You will get over him and meet someone better. You sound like a good, responsible woman. Screw your co-workers. Those who judge end up with the worst deals. One of my coworkers judged me throughout my pregnancy and just gave birth to an 11 lb baby naturally last week, and she is only 5 ft tall! (Imagine the pain! she shouldn't have judged) Anyhow that sounds immature and spiteful. What I am trying to say is that you will find someone who loves you and your child. You miss this guy because you are lonely and have raging hormones. You might meet someone new next week and believe you love him, and then miss him when he bails because he is afraid of you being pregnant... not saying that will happen, but trust me when your hormones are in full gear you will push your emotions on anyone.

Have your baby. Start going to a church singles group or something (if you believe in God, find something similar if you don't) you meet young woman there who can help you find the right man to love you and your baby. On top of that you will have new friends to go out with who will be excited for you having a baby and willing to help you out every step of the way.

I wish I really knew you Jessica, I would love to be your friend. (hope that doesn't creepy, I just know what you're going through)

Louise - posted on 08/17/2012

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Jessica what a mess you are in honey! Now listen up! There are billions of men in this world that would treat you better than this. This man is a user. he used you to fill in his gaps with this other woman, he played on your kindness to get what he wanted and you thought you were in love with him and this gave him the power to control you. Ofcourse you miss him he was a big part of your life. You have to look forward to the baby now and cut this deadbeat out of your life, he can see the baby but on your terms. No more lieing on the floor for him to walk all over you. hell no!

This is your life with your baby. Keep regular appointments with your doctor and do the best you can to raise a nice sensible child. In 12 months time things will be so different for you. You may even have a loving man in your life, only then will you realise that this man is to be frank a shit! There are a lot of men out there that are looking for kind hearted women, that are genuine. Just be more careful next time and if that man even thinks about cheating on you chuck him out of your life, you my friend are worth more! xx

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