Single ANGRY mom in need of some advice, please!

Vero - posted on 08/07/2012

April,

Congrats on your beautiful little girl! And when I say that REREAD it. She is your little girl. I am a single mother of a teenage girl. Her father and I worked together when we met. He was great, cute, funny, easy to talk to, you know "the package". I fell after only knowing him for 2 weeks. He had issues at home and one day when I drove him home, his mother kicked him out. I told him he could stay with me until he got on his feet. One thing led to another and I got pregnant. It was great right? I was with her dad, living together, being a family. Until his ex-girlfriend called me and told me I had a wonderful apartment and a beautiful cat. Seems the whole time he was living with me he had been trying to get back into his ex's pants in MY APARTMENT no less. We argued that night about him losing his job, moving his friends into my one-bedroom apartment, me having to be the completely responsible one, and him trying to get with his exes. He got fed up, packed up some of my things as well as his own, and moved out. A couple of hours after he left (mind you he left while I was at the store getting groceries), I got a call from his "friend" Sue. She told me that she was 2 months further in her pregnancy than I was and the father was someone who she had a relationship with on and off for 6 years (guess how long my boyfriend had known her). She said it would be best for me if I got an abortion. I told her to *&%^ off and get a life. I didn't see her father for another month. He was walking down the street, I slammed my car into park, jumped out and ran over to him. I said we needed to talk about the pregnancy, his answer was "it's not my problem" and he walked away. He never contacted us. He has to this day never met her (she's 14 now). She has the only picture of him I had. She knows who he is, she knows he wasn't ready to be a father. I told her that he just wasn't ready to be a daddy. She has known the truth (obviously not the adult parts) about it being his decision to be or not to be in her life. A few years ago, I had another mandatory court appearance. I did file for support years before and he was found to be her father and told to provide support. He never paid so we were taken into court numerous times regarding the issue. He never showed up for court except this one time! He was with his new step-father and stood in front of the judge demanding to know his paternal rights! I was flabbergasted to say the least. The court gave him my address and told him to contact me in regards to seeing my daughter. I went to my state aid counselor and asked what he could do in regards to my daughter. Because I never went for custody, she is technically both our responsibilities. I was advised to sit back and wait or spend the money to get him back in court for custody. Since I have been single and money was always an issue, I decided to wait. He contacted me at work and told me that we needed to talk but we couldn't talk about the past. I said the past is why we are talking now and it is the only reason we are going to talk. He hung up with me and has never tried to contact us again.

That's our story. A long time ago, I came to the conclusion that being with MY daughter was the best thing for her. Whether or not her father is there, she does have male role models in her life. I have 2 brothers, many friends, and if I ever get into a relationship, I pray that he treats her and loves her as his own. It doesn't make up for her biological father not being there. I don't have to make up for that, neither do you. You can only tell her the truth, you love her and are there for her. You are in control of providing the best you can give her. There are days that all you have is the love in your heart for her. She is YOUR BABY and HIS LOSS. He will miss all the "Mommy, I Love You" moments, the first roll-over, the first steps, the first words, the first teeth. But you won't. You will be there the first time she falls (to pick her up), the first time she cries (to wipe her eyes), the first time she walks away and turns to run right back into your arms, the first dance, her graduations, her life. I guess what I am trying to say is focus on you and your baby. Do what is best for her and you. Don't look at him and compare his love of her to yours. It won't work. Let him and his whatever be the people they are, they aren't your responsibility. Focus on the positive, tomorrow morning you will wake up and your little girl will be waiting for you. No one else can say that. No one else is her mommy. If you show her love and show her how to love then she won't feel unworthy of love. Right now you feel unworthy of his love doesn't mean that you love your daughter any less. You need to greive for your relationship, let it go and you can let your anger go too. Most of all take it one day at a time. Let her grandparents help out, spend time with her and your family, go to school, have fun, be the best person you can be to show your daughter a good role model. Keep your chin up, I know it won't be easy (been there), lean on your support group, and just keep taking another step forward. You can always get a hold of me if you want.

Veronica

Alisha - posted on 08/06/2012

Awwwww yes I know this anger all too well. I have a child who has a bio-dad who is an every other weekend dad. He chooses drinking, friends and who knows what else over her and blames it all on me that he doesn't see her that much. Ha! Anyways, the way you get over this anger and hate is to start forgiving. You could ask yourself a million times why is he like this, but just realize, that you will never understand. People who love their children cannot understand a person that seems to show no love for their children. It would be like a mouse trying to understand the game of football, it just can't happen! I know forgiveness sounds like a dirty word right now because he deserves you to be angry at him, but he has to answer to God for his actions and so do you. Forgiveness is not about a person deserving it, it is about being gracious and not wanting the anger to hurt you instead of him. If you hold this anger and hate in, it will only hurt you and of course your daughter as well. I think you need to recognize that you are grieving the loss of the family you wanted, and definitely think it is unfair that someone else has it and you don't. Yes your daughter does deserve a father, but this one seems no good for her at the moment, it's just better to start knowing that he doesn't deserve her. It's too bad that him and his new girl are both acting like 6 year olds in how they are treating you, honestly I would not waste any more of your time, energy or emotions on these people! I know he is your child's father, so if he decides to be her father then he will have to contact you. You have tried and there is nothing more you can do to make him want to be your daughter's father. He is 100% selfish and only thinks of himself and what he wants, and that is it! You also need to seek God's forgiveness dear, Jesus said whoever hates another has committed murder within his heart. Hate is no good, hate is a sin against God, even if you think the person deserved it. God loves you and your child and He wants a relationship with you, He knows exactly what you're going through and wants to be your child's forever Father! I know God has really been there for me and my daughter when her dad wasn't. Do you have a Bible? Or go to a good church? The Lord Jesus is to be praised, followed, and loved. He is really the only answer to your question on how to get over anger and hate, how you can deal with this overwhelming situation you are in. He can and will set you free, you just have to ask. www.areyouagoodperson.org will help you better understand this. I pray for you!

Chrystal - posted on 08/06/2012

First of all you are not over what has happened between the two of you. But in order to forgive and move on you have to love yourself and your baby enough to let it go. If you continue to resent and hate him it will have a significant impact on your daughter and how she views men. I found that God is the ultimate healer and He can do things if I only allow Him free reign over my life and trust HIM. Put God first, accept His guidance, be an example to your daughter, and never speak or act ill to/about her father around her. That is the best you can give her. As long as you are bitter nothing good will come from it.

Elaine - posted on 08/06/2012

I am hearing that you are angry and hurt. You are focusing so much on what others have and are dong to you, that your mind is clouded by the "hate". Don't make it wrong, just accept that you feel jealous (is that right?) and are angry, but as soon as you take all the blame and victim mentality out of the equation, you will then be able to stop and forgive yourself. You are seeing everyone else as guilty and wrong, but that won't take away the feelings of guilt (are you in touch with the guilt?). What we project on to others we make stronger in ourselves.

Find a way to care for yourself in a loving way, not one that suppresses or stuffs the pain. Be constructive about it, don't injure yourself or others. Right now it's not about doing it's about BEING.

Your baby girl needs YOU to be happy with YOU. ( When we look for others to make us happy then it's codependency and it is very toxic). When you change the way you see yourself and learn to respect yourself, then others will do the same. When they don't, it's okay, as long as you use it as an opportunity to look within and see what situation or person you need to forgive and usually it points back to yourself.

I will share the angel card that was given to me today by Archangel MIchael so you can see that you are not alone on your journey to find peace and freedom. My Prayer:

"I ask that you help me let go of self-blame and forgive myself. Please guide me in releasing any toxic anger or fear toward others. Thank you, Archangel Michael, for allowing me to fell centered and at peace."

You, of course, may borrow my prayer for yourself if you so choose. It is a beautiful way to heal.

Blessings,
Elaine Enlightening

Rebecca - posted on 08/05/2012

I am 29 yrs old and kinda in the same boat. I was engaged to be married and ended up pregnant and alone. My fiance liked the idea of having kids and than after I got pregnant with my daughter wanted me to have an abortion. So I know where you are coming from. Don't think of revenge instead fell sorry for the Jerk who doesn't want to meet his kid. That is the way I get through the emotions that I have. He is going to miss everything. Just like my daughter's father will. He's loss. I don't know what to tell you in reguards to your daughter's feelings of rejections, but mayb e you, your love and sacrifices will be enough to show her that even though her father was irresponsible. You love her more than Life itself and maybe just maybe that will be enough.

Tamica - posted on 08/05/2012

it is not your fault first and foremost. maybe he's not a good choice to have picked but he is responsible for being a father to his child. if he really wanted to be in his daughters life, wouldn't be nothing you or anyone else could do to hender that. I have a son who is 9 and his father never been there either. I best myself up a yr or so, mad at my decision but he played Dr jeckel Mr hyde with me. none the less I do go through things with my son feeling inadicate but all I can do is talk to him, always give him the truth, teach him God and put it in his hands. he's the only one that can heal the pain of not having his father. God bless you and your baby

Kelly - posted on 08/03/2012

I have been through this myself. I am sorry to hear you are going through it now. To get over the anger and hate well for me I did therapy and just had to learn that he is in control of himself and I am in control of myself and I thought for the longest time hating him would keep me from wanting him back and dealing with repeatedly hearing him say he loves me and wants only me and so on and so forth to find he would just cheat again. So I learned forgiveness and learned that I have to be happy with myself and I could accept that I chose him over everything but I began to focus on me and my daughter. I realized one happy parent was so much better than two unhappy ones.
Now your child may at some point be on a rollercoaster ride of emotions wondering why did daddy leave and when will he come back. You need to stay strong and just keep reminding your child that you love her no matter what. My daughter is now 15 years old and her father has changed from what we see but she says she still doesn't fully trust him and he accepts that. He admits these days that he has missed out on so much of her life all by his own doing. I do "family" stuff with them just because I don't trust anyone with her and they are still working on a relationship.
I hope this helps and feel free to talk anytime. I am not one for an old cliche but really time does heal you and remember forgiveness doesn't mean you like him or are ok with what he has done but forgiveness as I learned just means you acknowledge it happened to you but you won't let it keep you down. I know all too well about depression as well. Keep your head held high and even if you think you can't be happy...fake it for the sake of your child and with time you will just gain so much strength and perhaps you will be happy for real.

Nicole - posted on 08/03/2012

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You are only poisoning yourself and your child by holding onto this resentment and hate.
Try to focus on what you need, and what your child needs. You both need love support and trust between each other. You get to teach your daughter how to trust and love and FORGIVE.
My daughter rarely see's her dad. I think he wanted a boy too. I just made her feel as if she was the most important person in the world and that me and the rest of her family she could trust. Dont try to work out why people think. You will not succeed, you are not them.
Dont feed her the poison that you choose to drink, and choose to stop. We can all choose. Dont let someone else control your life.

Tisha - posted on 08/02/2012

Hi April,
As a mother, we will always worry about our babies! We will always prefer to feel the pain for them and let them live a happy life! The truth is, you canNOT worry yourself over his actions. This is something he will regret later in later...YES, he will regret it! As long as you do everything in your power to provide a stable loving home environment, then she will NOT turn to drugs, sex, drinking or have daddy issues! You say you're in a loving and happy relationship, I assume your boyfriend is being there for your daughter. While he may not have started the family, he is currently completing your family! One day when your daughter is older, she may ask, she may not, either way, just be completely upfront and honest with her. As hard as it will be, do NOT bash the father, otherwise he wins because you've carried hate in your heart all those yrs. You will be her example of how a woman should be treated, what to accept and not to accept in a relationship. Don't waste your time anymore on enforcing a relationship between father and child, he's made his decision, also let the girl know you no longer wish to communicate with her. Which is sad, because these kids are siblings and should know one another!! You've done your part, keep on living your life. It will get better!!

Jamiyla - posted on 08/02/2012

Hey April,
The truth of the matter is that the "WHY" still won’t change how you are feeling. In fact you might be madder once you hear it. As a mother of a 10yo who has an absentee father (who takes care of all of his other children besides ours) I totally empathize with were you are coming from. But in order to move past this you have to let go. Because no excuse he can give you will justify his actions. You have to realize that this is not your burden to carry. Your daughter will learn how to become a strong woman by the example you set for her. She will learn what is required of a man by the men you have in her life and how you require men to treat you. You can't worry about the what if's too much. You gave him the opportunities to step in and take his role in her life and he declined. In the end, his inconsistency will do more harm than good. She isn't a video game that you can play when you want and pause when you are tired, bored, or busy. By the way you describe the father and his girlfriend it doesn't sound as though they are ppl you truly would want in your daughter’s life anyway. So let him stay where he is, and when/if that day comes where he had to explain himself to your daughter you will be able to stand tall with a clear heart and conscience knowing that you've done well by her.

Sarah - posted on 08/01/2012

IT will probably help you talking to someone about this. My daughter is 6 and i havent been with her dad since she was 2. He is now married and has a step son the same age as my daughter, yet he never bothers with her , ( i had to remind him it was her birthday and he didnt contact her from 3 days before her birthday till 3month after) .

It was horridble the day she saw himand came home saying she had a new step brother and mammy!!!!! I had to explain through tears that im her mammy and no one else!

I tried mediation ,where you and him agree through an agency to meet and discuse the problems with someone in the middle then you can use the agencys help to set up contact if you want and it can be supervised by you or someone elso so your child doesnt miss out- if he doesnt bother and trys to take you to court it will go in you favour to stop him seeing your child.

I know how much it herts thinking of himplaying happy family with this girl but what really matters is you and ur child.

Happy mammy = happy child

hope you get sorted and get some support , always hear if you need to chat :)

Jennifer - posted on 08/01/2012

Hey April, I can see where you are coming from. I was with my ex for 5 years before we had a child together. He lived 9 hours away but somehow we made it work. Anyways, he has a son who is now 10, my daughter is 2 1/2, he never wants to see her, doesn't ask about her, and his family doesn't care about her either. For such a long time I was so upset. Like you, I got over what he did to me, but I just couldn't understand how you could love one child so much and not the other? Maybe because it is they both have a little boy and its a different connection, I don't know and I am not sure I will ever know? It still bothers me that he doesn't care about her, but I no longer let that consume my life, our baby girls dont deserve that. While I agree with you, they deserve a father, remember: any guy can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a daddy. I strongly believe there is a difference between a father and a daddy. I have been battling this for over 2 years, it hasn't been easy, but you seem like you are doing the right thing, going to school, getting a job, etc. Trust me, I know that is not easy, like you I work 2 jobs and Im in school. But you are doing what is BEST for your daughter. When she is old enough she will understand that and appreciate you so much more because of that. You are setting a good example for her. Just give her all the love and support you can, she doesn't NEED a guy in her life right now, especially one like your ex. Keep your head up hun!! I promise in time it will get easier! It is his loss he doesn't want to be a part of her life, he is the one missing out!! If you ever need to talk, I am here!! :) XO