Single confused Mom

Angela - posted on 11/19/2010 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I have been having a real hard time adjusting even though my daughter is almost 3 months old now. Ya see my boyfriend(who is not the father) is on deployment and he left 5 days before she was born. He has stuck by my side thru this whole pregnancy and we thought we were going to be a happy family until the real father came back. While he knew I was pregnant with his child, although he was in denial, he went and got married! yup thats right....he only knew this girl for barely 3 months and was already engaged to her! Now she is wanting a divorce mainly because of our beautiful little girl. At first he wanted nothing to do with her and now it's a confusing situation. we brushed up against each others arms while handing her over and he said his heart fluttered and that her and I are a huge part of his life. I thought well this is just great because I want him to be a part of her life and to live with her real dad, but the guy i'm dating i am madly in love with! and I don't see myself being happy with her real father....plus now he is pretending like he felt nothing because he thinks it will all just go away. I'm just having a lot of mixed feelings because i see all my friends with their babies and the real father and just being able to say "go to daddy" and the smile on their faces....it breaks my heart. If you have any comments please help....I need to get back to my strong independent self again. Thank you for reading this

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Danielle - posted on 11/21/2010

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you answered your own question really. your in love with the man your dating and dont see a HAPPY future with your babies real father.!!!! dont go back with him just for your baby, it will end in tears if you do. let him be in her life but dont let him take over yours. a baby doesnt have to live with there dad to be happy.

Mattie - posted on 11/24/2010

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Ok, here's the thing: if you know you will not be happy with the bio father, do you really believe your child will be? Kids are smart and your child will know sooner or later that you're not happy. And if you aren't, sooner or later things will end....again.

Speaking as someone who's divorced with 2 daughters, you can work through this. Remember, the bio father was not there when you needed him but your boyfriend was. The bio father married someone else and now that he's divorcing he says his heart flutters? That sounds like me ex. For 3 years he fought to get me back. Why? Not because he actually loved me but because he didn't want to be alone.

You say you're madly in love with your boyfriend. Then stay with him. He's the one who stood by your side through all this. Why get rid of all that love and support for someone you know you won't be happy with? He can still see his daughter and have a great relationship with her and he can have a good working relationship with you. You can still say "go to daddy" with a smile on your face. You don't need to live with him to do that.

My 2 daughters and I now live with my boyfriend, the one who supported me, encouraged me, and stood by me no matter what. It's better for them then seeing their bio dad and I live together unhappy.

Just so you know, my kids are older, 15 and 11, and we talk very openly. When I asked what they would have preferred - me and dad still together but unhappy, or the way things are now - they say now. We're much more relaxed. They say the divorce was really hard on them and in some ways still is but this is better than living constantly stressed.

The ultimate decision is yours but remember that the happier you are, the happier your daughter will be.

Alisha - posted on 11/23/2010

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I think that you need to look at 'husband' qualities in both men. If you plan on getting married one day, your husband will not be a good one based on how cute he was when you met or how he made you feel. You need a definite list of qualities (yes actually write down a list) and know what you will not stand for in a partner. I think your child's real father is out of the running if he got married because that is just disrespectful since he didn't even tell her he had a child I'm assuming. If you are willing to wait for your boyfriend, then I'd say wait and give him a chance. I wouldn't fall for your ex's lines and just wait it out and see if his actions match what he says if you are considering being with him again. Don't forget if your plans change let your boyfriend over seas know about it, it wouldn't be fair to him if you didn't let him know what was going on! The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." If you find a guy who proves these things to you, then I'd say he's worth keeping around!

Brenda - posted on 11/21/2010

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Oh gosh, I think i know how you feel, I did torture myself no to long ago by going to a playdate where i thought it would be all girls and end up been families (meaning fathers and mothers with their kids) I was the only single mom in there and it felt really accuard, lol then I saw them and I thought it would have been wonderful to been able to go with my babys daddy and be happy as they all seem to be that night, when I got home I cried myself to sleep, then I thought what F did i do? why am I doing this to myself? we just need to be realistic, we are not with the kids fathers for a reazon, and is ussually a good reazon, and I understand it would be easier if your boyfriend was around, but he is far and thinking of you, because if he took you pregnant with a child that is not his, he is a really nice guy, leave the past in the past, be strong, only you know what kind of future is expected if you go back with Mr. Marrymesoon, and you know how wonderful would be if you end up having your deployed boyfriend's kid! it would be amazing, a true famili, build with trust,love and happines no bad memories only learning experience. I hope you dont leave Mr deployment for Mr, marrymesoon. Best wishes

Jennifer - posted on 11/26/2010

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you should never put yourself in a situation where you do not believe you will be happy simply because you wish your daughter to grow up in the same household as her birth father. remember why you are not with her father any longer - if it is not such a big deal, then you need to decide what your true feelings are for your BF. you're daughter will be fine without her father in the house - I speak as a single mom on this one. no matter how much I wanted my son to have his father constantly, it would have made me unhappy and when mom is uphappy - so are the kids.

Sit down and write out everything going on in your head - pros, cons the whole nine yards. see what you think when you read it all in black and white.
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21 Comments

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Malissa - posted on 12/21/2010

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Children are wonder and reziliant creatures. They go where you go. That's the joy of being a mom. Usualy mom takes their lil cubs wherever they end up. Also children reflect off of you and your feelings. If you put yourself in a relationship that you know is not going to lift you up, your little one knows and senses your pain. Which will lead to other problems later. I would say start with self first. You BF is not home and believe me I understand it can get lonely. And that loneliness leads to vulnerability which is probably why BD is trying to sneak his way in.

Take this time to be with just yourself and your little one. If you and BD can maintain an adult parental relationship let that be a good start. And take it from there. I have learned that there is no need to rush. Let it be about your daughter. Cuz trust me, once you let them back in it can be harder to get them back out. And it sounds like you are paying a lot if you let go of the BF who has been there for you. Sometimes there are no second chances.

Melissa - posted on 11/26/2010

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yes, it would be easier if "my baby's father" and "the man I love" were the same person, but it doesn't sound like they are. Let's face it, we're already not living the fantasy - not many people are truly single moms by choice, but by circumstance. so you're already not doing what you're "supposed" to do, according to society, so why start now? As long as your daughter's dad is a good father, let him be just that - a good father - and have the relationship that makes *you* happy. (and by the way, you are very lucky to have a boyfriend! Not all of us are so lucky to find someone once we have kids on our own - it is so hard to meet people we like, and make it work.) Good luck - you'll be ok. And this is still new - it will seem more normal after awhile. Hell, my daughter is 2 and it's still surreal to me sometimes that I *have* a child. :-)

Petula - posted on 11/25/2010

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Don't let the desire for the BD to be in the day-to-day life of your daughter taint your instincts. You know that the two of you won't work out. It's easy to get into a marriage and difficult to get out. If the two of you parents get together and it doesn't work out it will be more detrimental for your daughter. Focus on you and her, and whatever is meant to be as far as YOUR relationship with a man will work itself out. From what you say about the BD he has a lot of growing up to do and is very unsure of anything he wants to do.

Karen - posted on 11/25/2010

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to me it sounds like your ex is not someone you can rely on, anything can happen and he could possibly jump ship and deny your daughter all over again. the guy your dating however is willing to take your daughter into his life even though she's not his, not to mention, your in love with this guy and those are the two most importnant things. there's a saying and being a single mom with an unreliable ex i know it's true, any dick can be a father but it takes a real man to be a daddy. to me it sounds like your current boyfriend is the real man in your situation. just my opinion, i myself had to learn the hard way and wouldn't listen to anyone.

Tracey - posted on 11/24/2010

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My daughter and her dad only met one time and that was when she was 2 months old b/c he told me while i was pregent w/ her that she wont his b/c she was a girl and go find her real dad well i got a court ordered DNA test and yes she was his now he feels really stupid for deyning my daughter.. all together hes has a total of 9 kids...When i was married to my x husband which isnt my daughters dad... i seemed that he wont gonna be around much b/c he is friends w/ the dad of my daughter... and things just got confusing really bad i was all torn up inside best of luck to u and to stay w/ the guy that stuck by u... best of luck...

Lashanda - posted on 11/24/2010

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My advice would be to stay with your current boyfriend if that's who you are happy with. Your daughter's father can still be in her life without you being in a relationship with him. I think it is great that he has came back to be in her life. She can still have that daughter/father bond with him. Also everyone situation is different, what is in the best interest for your friends, might not be for you. Good luck, hope everything works out for you.

Angela - posted on 11/23/2010

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Thank you!! Alisha it's funny that you mention that bible verse....bc my ex just talked about that because they talked about it at church!! It's such a great statement and I love it! I am now understanding that although it's tough for me right now I know that my boyfriend now is the right choice for me. Thank you ladies for helping me understand and get thru there. There will be a couple more nights of tears and up and downs but your all right. He has stuck by my side now and not many men will do that. CLEARLY he is the best man alive and I don't know what was going on in my head! And yes my ex and I broke up for a reason and I just need to keep those in my mind knowing that things will never work out between us! Thank you again! I really needed this support....I love Circle of Moms!!! :)

Alisha - posted on 11/23/2010

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I think too, we all go through greif periods when we realize the birth father and us will not work out because it's natural to want that family dynamic there because it's our child's dad. So don't forget to let yourself be sad about it but knowing you will eventually be ok with that fact.

Jordanna - posted on 11/23/2010

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I say stick with your boyfriend! When I was pregnant my baby daddy also started dating a girl moved in with her and got engaged all within a few months. He kept changing his mind on whether he wanted to be involved in his daughters life or not. Finally I had enough of the head games and I told him that if he wanted to be involved in her life then thats great but he can't keep changing his mind and this is his last chance because at the time he was only hurting me but when my LO was born he would be hurting her too. Right now my daughter is 10 months old and spends every second weekend with her dad and his now wife who are expecting a baby boy. Even if ne came crawling back begging me to be with him again I would say no. We broke up for a reason. He's great with my daughter and they have an awesome relaionship. So I guess my point is that you don't need to be with your baby daddy and be miserable in order for your child to have a good relationship with him.

Stacy - posted on 11/22/2010

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You do what makes you & your daughter happy. You can't just let him come into your life when its convenient for him, because the only person he's going to end up hurting is your daughter. Your boyfriend however seems like a great guy, those are hard to find. Stick with him, he's stuck by you.

Andrea - posted on 11/22/2010

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I can't tell you what to do. You have to go with your own feelings. However my opinion.....stick with the man that stuck with you through the difficult times. Your boyfriend sounds like he will be there for you through everything. Your ex sounds like he can't handle difficulties. Plus he is looking at a divorce, and he probably doesn't want to be alone. If another difficult situation comes up, is he going to run again? If another person comes around, is he going to run again? Everyone dreams about having the perfect little family, and I struggled for years trying to make it work with my daughter's father. Needless to say I am lucky I got out STD free.....he was fooling around, neglecting our daughter, etc. So even though I desperately wanted the perfect family, it was not going to happen with him. Now things are not exactly easier, however it is better for all of us. He is married and I believe his wife takes decent care of my daughter, and I am able to find someone who loves me and my daughter. I think I have found that now, fingers crossed. You can't be miserable to try to make your child happy, because if you are miserable, then your child will pick up on it.

Lesley - posted on 11/22/2010

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In an ideal situation we all want to b with our childs dad but u have to do the right thing for ur happiness i learnt that the hard way that if i wasnt happy i was no good to my son i lost my sons dad to addiction when he was 20 months old.

Mama Gaby - posted on 11/21/2010

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hey i think there is point of getting married to someone who doesnt value you or your child thats what he did whe he left you pregnant with his child to marry someone... stick to your guy and all of you will a happy family.

Angela - posted on 11/21/2010

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thank u so much! I just need to keep things straight in my head and know that my bf is the right way! it's just hard trying not to take the easy way out!

Candice - posted on 11/21/2010

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As a single mother of 5 children and only one bio father involved..I count my blessings that the other fathers are not! Sometimes it isn't in the best interest of the child to have both parents involved. If the father likes to play power games..ie head games...then he's abusing you and your child/ren...to both of you, I say be careful. If you chose to keep the guy around in any form ie, visiting rights, live with etc, you set yourself up for a Pandora's box.

Marissa - posted on 11/20/2010

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OMG! kinda sounds like my situation! I had been with my 19 month old son's dad for 4 years, we were engaged & planned to get married. As the wedding date got closer, he started acting weird. I call it,"cold-feet gone bad"! 3 months before the wedding date, he told me he wanted to break up, call off the wedding, & he wanted me to move out. He also told me that he didn't want to pay child support! I moved out the very next week, & took our son with me to my parents. Now that it's 6 months later, & he sees that I have our son in daycare, & am working part-time (for now), he wants me back. I'm confued too. We need to search our hearts and think if these men are the right fathers for our children and the right boyfriends/husbands for us. Give yourself plenty of time! If I were you, I'd take clues from how he treats you & your daughter. That's what I'm doing. Good luck!

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