Single mom by choice, just trying to cover my basis

Maggie - posted on 05/18/2016 ( 9 moms have responded )

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After a three year on and off relationship with the father of my child I ended things. I am not bitter I just don't see any hope of a healthy relationship and I have concerns. He has left multiple times. A month after I broke up with him he bought a ring, he had proposed to me 3 times, all answers being no. Extremely impatient with me, actually lied to me about a possibility of him having lung cancer, my grandfather died of this, I watched it most of my life. In a nuttshel this is nowhere near the worst thing he has done. He has been abusive and laid hands on me. Screaming yelling the whole 9 yards. Always did hurtful things on important dates, like talked to another woman on the anniversary of a dear mutual friends death, and I caught him on a dating site with the last post being our daughters first birthday, only a month after we got back together. Through all this Ive become fed up and have a few questions.

1. Does this sounds like a narcissist? Ive never dealt with one that I know of

2. He has disappeared before and I fear he may do so again as he seems to value me more than our daughter

3. How long should I wait for him to visit until I decide to cut him off, everytime he has visited recently are attempts to get me back

4. Is it ridiculous that if he's not in the picture that I would rather not even go for childsupport? I have one child and I have provided for her myself in the beginning when it was most expensive.

5. Can anyone relate?

9 Comments

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Lisa - posted on 06/03/2016

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I am sorry for your struggles. Why were you with him, if you never intended on marrying him? His behavior is out of control, and you should set some boundaries. #1 I am not sure I would label him, sometimes labels become excuses. #2 He is selfish for sure. Does he really value you if he is cheating, abusive and insensitive? #3 Is it a time issue that determines the cut off, or is it interest in your daughter? #4 What are the ramifications of going for child support? Would you have to share custody? Would he have a say in how you raise your daughter? Could he use your daughter as a way to get to you?

I hope you can work through this and make wise decisions mama!

Cassandra - posted on 05/31/2016

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Im in the kinda the same position my daughters father hasnt met her and hasnt paid anything towards her. Im not asking for the money. He does sound more interested in you than your daughter.

Susan - posted on 05/29/2016

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It does sound like a not very healthy relationship. Seeking child support is good to have, but it might be a good idea to weigh the pros and cons of doing so. Also, it sounds like there are boundary issues on his part. There are some really helpful books on this subject. I can suggest a particular book I found helpful, if you like.

Tomeka - posted on 05/26/2016

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I think all dads should take financial responsibility for their children. In my opinion, it is okay to refuse childsupport if you don't want it. Though it's not written in the law that it's mandatory for you to file or accept childsupport. I'm reading in your post, '#2 -He has disappeared before and I fear he may do so again as he seems to value me more than our daughter'. It's more like a statement than a question. Are you saying that you fear he might win custody over your daughter? If you get childsupport you are the person in custody. Did the father physically abuse you, too?

Sarah - posted on 05/26/2016

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I hardly call my response heated, I simply disagree, and that applies to Maggie's original question. I am not trying to convince you of anything. I just disagree.

Tomeka - posted on 05/26/2016

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This is Maggie Lillian's post any how. So there's no need for a heated debate.

Sarah - posted on 05/26/2016

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I disagree that it is ok to skip asking for child support if you don't need the money. It is both parents obligation to financially support their child, whether or not they choose to parent. If you don't need the money, bank it for your child to use for education, a house, wedding or travel. It is the child's right to get support.

Tomeka - posted on 05/26/2016

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1. I don't know what a narcissist is. But it definitely sounds like you were in a bad relationship. 2. What's your question for number two? 3. It's up to you on how long you should wait for him. When I was dating the same guys, they only wanted to be with me during the holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then I don't see them again till the next holiday. 4. It's not ridiculous not to ask for childsupport if you don't need it. And. 5. No. I can NOT relate. My child was conceived with donor sperm through medicated IUI. So I don't know who the father is. I know Of him by the child/adult photos and donor profile descriptions given to me by the sperm bank. He is an Open ID donor. The sperm bank will reveal the donor's identity and contact information only to my son on his 18th birthday. But the the donor will remain anonymous to me. That's the true definition of a single mom by choice. There are two SMC organizations you can TRY to join: singlemomsbychoice.org and choicemoms.org.

Sarah - posted on 05/25/2016

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1. Don't know, doesn't matter.
2. Noted
3. You cannot cut him off, you don't have to reach out to him, but you cannot hide the child.
4. Yes, it is ridiculous to not file for support. If he does not desire to parent, that's fine. But he is obligated to pay support, if you don't need it, save it for college, a car, a house or something for when the child is 18.
5. Personally? No. Professionally yes.

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