Single mom in need of some Shitty dad advice

P-Kay - posted on 07/17/2010

Alot of men don't feel comfortable around babies. Now that your daughter is older he may now see that taking care of her by himself is easier than when she was a baby. Toddlers are more fun than babies to men. If he wants to be a constant figure in her life, let him. Set up a visitation schedule and follow it. As for the girlfriend I think you are over reacting. If the girlfriend is going to be in your ex's life, it is OK. If he is introducing your daughter to different women often, then I would have a problem with that.

Amanda - posted on 07/14/2010

No way! I'm somewhat in the same situation. I don't want any of his future "girlfriends" meeting my son son until I've met her and I know they are serious. I would never just introduce my baby to a boyfriend unless I knew that the boyfriend was a great guy who loved me and my son and was going to stick around. It's not fair to yank people in and out of a child's life because they don't understand why. You are in the right here! First of all, I would ease your daughter into a relationship with him. Babysitting only a little at first. Let him know the boundaries and the rules. And honestly, only let him babysit at your house and tell him no other guests. Talk to him and tell him what you are feeling and thinking. I know "boys" usually don't get it (trust me, my son's father doesn't listen to anything I say), but it's worth a shot.

Tiffany - posted on 07/14/2010

I think u are slightly over reacting... I have a 3 and a half year old daughter whose dad could careless about seeing her but due to the court system he has to take her for visitations....He loves her very much .... however she does not fit into the convience of his drinking schedule!.... So he pawns her off on friends and family while she is there!...You and your ex broke up for a reason!... As much as u can i would try to keep civil grounds with your ex!... its going to be hard and half the time u are going to want to hit him upside the head and strangle him ... but it will be so much better on ur child!... I am sure he is trying to play the "daddy of the yr" role around his new girlfriend... That will all wear off .... and there will be another gf ... you need to talk to him and yall need to come to an agreement weather it is that there are no significant others around your daughter til she is a certain age or until they have been together for a certain amount of time. Whatever is going to work best for you!... As to him not being around her til now!... It is extremely hard to do it on your own ... i am a full time college student raising a 3 yr old with no family within 200 miles of me ... and the father lives 1000 miles away now!... but the first 14 months are the months that one day he is going to slap his own self in the face and say "look what i missed" !... all you can do is be the best mom that you can be ... and love care and provide for your child!...

Kendra - posted on 07/14/2010

You have every right to be mad!!! My sons father had this girlfriend when I told him I was pregnant and after Cooper was born, dna was done, his girlfriend was trying to see my son when she would come to my house with the father but no, I refused! It got to the point where they were both telling me, she is giong to be Coopers STEP MOM one day! I was furious. Cooper was only a month old. Nobody uses the word step-mom around me. Coops dad isnt even in the picture!

Tiffany - posted on 07/13/2010

i think you have every right to feel the way you feel. my son is 20 months and his father has only seen him a few time i am not at ease leaving my son alone with his father yet so when he does come around he has to have me or my dad around so my son has someone that he know is there for him. and as for the whole girl friend thing no thats not right that can be alot of stress for a child to meet to many new people at once! My son now acts out after seeing his fathers side of the family and it make my life horrible for days after so you have lay down the guild lines so it make yours and your child life easier!

Terralyn - posted on 07/13/2010

I think that the fact that he is paying child support and it only took him a few months rather than years to figure out he wanted a reltaionship with her is something you should be happy about. My ex ignored our son until he was 6 and then decided he wanted a relationship with him. my son is now 13 and his sisters are 15 and 17 and their dad still doesn't pay child support. I don't think your daughter meeting a new girlfriend when she is only 14 months old is hurting her. right now everyone is pretty much a stranger and the whole world is new. IF your ex stays with this woman then she is going to be in your daughters life for a long time. I don't think he did any damage. I think its a normal reaction to want to protect your child but it sounds to me like he is really trying. I would give him a chance.

Stephanie - posted on 07/13/2010

no not at all. if you dont want your daughter around some girlfriend that hes been with for such a short time that is your decision!

Susan - posted on 07/13/2010

Some boundaries of days and times that are acceptable to both of you is needed. Custody arrangements need to be made through a mediator or the court system. He didn't want to be around when there was work to do when she was just born, but now wants to introduce her to his new girlfriend of only a short time. It is natural to be concerned & upset because you have never met this person & know nothing about her. It would be hard to trust her around your child. Her safety & her environment and the people in it are a top priority for you and your daughter. Good Luck! Susan

Tamala - posted on 07/13/2010

i feel that you should lay off a bit. I have seen this before my firend stop her child form seeing her father because he had a girfiend that she (my friend) didn't like and that he wasn't around as much as he should have been, But now she (my friend's child) is 11 and doesn't know her father and blames her mom because she (child) didn't feel the reason was good enough to stop her from seeing her dad. Encourage it now because when they get older they learn that its not my mom's fault i didn't get to see my dad it was his for not comming around. It will happen I have seen it Good Luck and don't be the reason, let him!!!!!!

Jenille - posted on 07/13/2010

that also happened to me. the same story and i feel so bad. the girl got no connection by blood or any sort of relationship with my son so my ex bf (the father of my son) should not do it. It feels so bad abt it but some fathers are clueless, they simply are from the devil. Just pray. It helps.

hope to here from you also. jenille

Becky - posted on 07/13/2010

no your not overreacting. It's not fair to the child all of a sudden he wants to see her because she is older and introduce her to a gf that he has being seeing two months. What happens if they don't make it and she is attached to her then that is going to tear her apart. The need to develop a good relationship first before he introduced her to anyone.

Anastasia - posted on 07/13/2010

You are so not overreacting. As Emily stated, he didn't want to have anything to do with your daughter until she was a little more self-sufficient. He probably is taking more of an interest because his new girlfriend thinks it is sexy. I had that with my daughters father. He had no interest until she was two when she was easy to deal with. As for the complete stranger thing. He is a complete stranger to her. You have every right to say that you need to be around for visits so that your daughter is comfortable so that relationship can grow. Put your foot down on when he wants to introduce his girlfriends, that you need to be there as he is not the one making the decisions when it comes to your daughter. Yes sometimes our emotions get in the way but you are trying to protect your daughter and do what you feel is best for her and if you have to step between her father with meeting of the girlfriends then you need to. Why have your daughter meet her father's new girlfriend unless there may be something more serious there. There needs to be boundaries with the new gf. Set up the visitation arrangements. Do so supervised visits until you know that your daughter is comfortable with her father and then slowly work on the weekend thing. You don't want to just suddenly start the weekend thing and traumatize anyone. Good luck.

Lika - posted on 07/13/2010

get with the father explain your concerns and come up with a set of guidelines you both can agree to follow while your child is to be in his care

Tonya - posted on 07/13/2010

No your not over reacting...I would be so mad. I'm lucky that my daughters dad has only seen her twice and she is 2. He is getting married again and I don't want her anywhere around that. I raised her this whole time and I'm not letting him act like he has done it all. It's hard but for me it's easier if he's not around.

Jackie - posted on 07/13/2010

My daughter is 1 1/2. I made the decision NOT to bring other men around her. If you too are doing that then NO he should NOT bring another woman around her untill they are much more serious then the first few month honey moon. Most relationships don't make it past the 6 month mark, what's the point of having your daughter get close to her for her to never see her again. And start so early losing relationships. NO...he should be spending his time with his daughter, not trying to play house.

Joy - posted on 07/12/2010

my daughter will be 2 in oct. her father has seen her twice i had a cookout this past weekend and invited her father and his girlfriend i no longer want to be with him so it does not bother me who he is with however i would never let him take her anywhere at this point but sometime if you want someone in your childs life you can not expect for him to leave his life behind to do that

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2010

Thanks a lot for all the advice. I feel a lot better knowing that someone else feels the same way I do because he made me feel like I was the dumbest person alive for getting upset. Just for an update...I told him when he was ready to sit down and talk to me about it then I was just going to keep Maggie and he could come over whenever he liked. He still hasn't called. I really feel terrible for putting such a sweet child through all this just because her dad is crappy :(

April - posted on 07/12/2010

My friends and I call men like this Disney Dads. All fun and no responsibilities!!! Good luck. Just make sure YOU do the best You can and the rewards will follow :)

Brooke - posted on 07/12/2010

no you are not over reacting!

i honestly think he's a horrible dad and can't just come into her life after 14 months expecting to know how to take care of your child. this girlfriend of his probably thinks its a whole different story and that he's a perfect dad and boyfriend. he's not and i wouldn't suggest giving her to him any time.

find a home daycare near by - look on craigslist under childcare. They usually have some people who will look after your child for so much money a day instead of a week. good luck!

Genise - posted on 07/12/2010

No you are not overreacting. He is utilizing your daughter to impress his new girlfriend. To make her think that he is a good man and that he takes care of his responsibilities. You need to put your foot down and esstablish visitation rules. If he doesn't want to abide by it, you can go to court and have a judge solidify it.

Tracy - posted on 07/12/2010

You need to do what is best for you and your daughter.I would start off with supervised visit for a few hours one day on a weekend and when the arrangment going while then then increase it to Saturday and Sunday every other weekend to day visits only and if thing continue to go while then one night over night to start and then increase if you feel comfortable.This is what I had to do with my daughters father because he did them same thing my daughter was 18 months old when he decide he want to be a dad and took me to court and the judge told him this is the way it is going to be for until you can prove yourself as a father.He to did pay support.Today my daughter is 14 years and her dad has choosen not to be in her life.It has been the best thing because she know who cares for her and has taken care of her all her life.My daughter is now graduating from grade 12 and I am proud to say I am a single my of 3 wonderful children.Good Luck and protect you daughter no ones else will.

Melissa - posted on 07/11/2010

Every child deserves to have their father in their life, unfortunately that is not the case in today's society (my hat's off to the exceptions). I too have to deal with the same kind of issue. My son is now 12 years old and rarely sees his father and has made up his own mind about him. However, I still encourage him to try and maintain contact with his father. Oh he calls every so often to complain that no one ever calls him and I simply remind him that I have no need to call for anything other than my son, that he is the adult, and should not rely on a child to be the one to initiate a phone call. I know your daughter has a ways to go yet before being able to make up her own mind, and I can understand how you feel but just put your foot down and let him know that your daughter comes first and that you will not allow her to be used as gf bait or as a "chick magnet". Besides it sound more like you are mad because he hasn't made an effort to be a part of her life until now, rather than about the new girlfriend. Understandable!! Hang in there!!

Tamara - posted on 07/11/2010

I agree with Emily. I was with someone like that, hell, I married him. When we were dating he had his other kids around all the time and we did lots of things with them. After we got married he stopped going to get them always making excuses. Later, I spoke with their mom and she said that every time that he got a girlfriend he would do that. The older girl, was begining to get affected by it too, when she got old enough to realize what was going on. He should get to know your daughter first and have a relationship with her before having his girl friends play mommy to her.

Javonda - posted on 07/11/2010

No, you are not overreacting. Your child is "new" and the gf is "new" and so they are still likened to toys to him. The thing you must be extremely careful of is to not become so dependent on him for childcare that when your child becomes old, the whole fatherhood thing will go down the drain too. Try reasoning with him and addressing your concerns, if he can't be reasoned with, then you may want to consider arranging a session with a mediator or attorney to enforce custody arrangements in writing which are enforceable by law.

Heather - posted on 07/11/2010

I went through the same thing with my 3 year old daughter. Her dad went so far as to introduce my daughter to the new girlfriend and have my daughter call her mama. When I found this out I was pissed. Even with him being around for 2 years of her life (when we were together) I still raised and did everything for her. I took him to court and got custody and they figured out how his visits with our daughter would be. I recommend going to court and getting his visits set in stone. That's not right for a child to be introduced right away to a new (potential) step-mom. It confuses kids and hurts the other parent. I don't at all think you overreacted. Just hope that he isn't getting your child to call the new girlfriend mom. If he is put a stop to it right away.

Victoria - posted on 07/11/2010

sorry also i would try allowing your daughter to be with her father when your around for the longest time i couldn't trust brian because he would just bring the girls around behind my back so i made him come to my house to see her and if he took her somewhere i went too untill i felt like i could trust him see if he would be willing to do that so he can build up a relationship with her and when you and your daughter feel more comfortable you would allow her to go with him

Timeka - posted on 07/11/2010

NO, you are not overreacting but you need to talk to him about his plans with Maggie when she is in his care. You might need to emphasize to him to take it slow with her instead of bringing all these random people in her life. My lil one is 15 months (her father has seen her 3 times since birth and lives out of state) and she is bonding with the people and actitivies in her environment so I can totally relate toyou being worried about him messing up the rountines that you already have set up. Unfortunately, I think the only thing you can do is talk to him about it and maybe when he does have her, he will try to keep things as normal for her as possible,

Victoria - posted on 07/11/2010

trust me i completely understand what your going threw my babys daddy and i split up five months before our wedding my daughter was 2 and totally devistated he cheated on me with some girl he met in a bar and he left us to go be with her i was torn apart we werent even broken up a couple of days and he was trying to make this make this women a part of our family we were getting married and planing to have more kids after the wedding and when he moved out he didn't see our daughter for 4months because i wouldn't allow her to come to my house so he choose to be with her and he just couldn't understand that my daughter had no idea what was going on she stoped talking for two months after he left she wouldn't sleep alone it was a nightmare and he was going to make it worse by bringing her around plus he was using my daughter to get closer to her and he has been gone for a year and two months now and the last 5 months is the 1st time he has actually made an effort to be apart of her life but in between that time the only time he wanted to be a part of her was when he got a new girl friend and he wanted to show off and play daddy and act like it was all me and i made him cheat and leave and disrespect me and her i was keeping him from her by not allowing the 7 girls he was inlove with in the last year and 2 months be apart of my daughter's life but your situation is allittle different because your daughter doesn't really know her father and my was extremely attached to her's but i have to say maybe you should try and do what im doing i put my daughter in daycare and work part time so that way i don't have to have anyone help because its hard to be in this situation alone and i have no one to count on im basically alone in this situation i gave up all of my friends and moved from my family to be his wife and a mom and now im alone lol your probally thinking this chick is crazy and this has nothing to do with your question but i can only respond by my experience and i really think that you are right for feeling the way you feel because i feel that way too good luck with everything and if you ever need a friend to talk im here

Nicola - posted on 07/11/2010

By the sounds of it, he is trying to play the "i'm a good dad" charactor towards his girlfriend. He was wrong to introduce your daughter to his girlfriend and you were not overreacting! He also needs to realise that a child is not gunna wanna stay for a few hours with a 'stranger' coz thats all he is to her. If i was you i would've only let him see his daughter at a contact centre or somewhere where you are there as well. Him and his daughter needs to develop a stable relationship and she needs to know who he is before he starts asking to take her whenever he pleases!

Jazmine - posted on 07/11/2010

I think you are over reacting. Some females want their child's father to take some part in their child's life no matter when it is. Your daughter will eventually make up her mind on how she feels about him and his actions as she gets older. I would just be cautious until you get comfortable with the whole situation.

Vasuki - posted on 07/10/2010

My ex was that way too...and the husband of a friend was afraid to be alone at home with his son when he was younger. I just think it has to do more with the fact he feels that he can't provide adequate care for his young daughter, and now feels more comfortable because she's grown up a bit more. Give it sometime. Let him take her from you. You are not going to lose your daughter, and you may come to like the break you get to spend on things you want to do!

My son is now 3 1/2 years old and loves spending time with his daddy. At first, it was scary for me to let him go. But I have come to love the break I get. I see friends and family I haven't seen in ages...and do things on my own.

As for the girlfriend, that will happen too! Unless you have concerns for her wellbeing and safety, let it be.

Donna - posted on 07/10/2010

It is difficult when you have worked so independently in raising your child. I understand your frustration, but keep in mind that he is a factor in your child's life. You may be upset in thinking that it's too soon for him to introduce him to another woman in his life, but perhaps it is this other woman who is encouraging him to be more active in his child's life. In spite of his inconsistency, if he loves his daughter he is not going to allow anyone to bring harm to her. The relationship is now about your daughter and him and what's best for your daughter. If it takes two to make them, it must take two to sustain them. Your daughter's relationship with her father is just as important as her relationship with you. Especially, when she is older it will influence how she dates and who she dates. Will she date out of necessity because of feelings of abandonement from her father or will she date someone who is abusive (not just physically) because she doesn't value herself because she didn't feel valued by her father? His involvement in her life doesn't minimize your place in her life, it is a support to it. Try to get over your frustration. It is important to see you have an amicable relationship with her father especially because you are not together. Her outlook on the relationships will be based upon how she sees you handle yours. You are her mommy model! Everything she does in her life is guided by how she sees you. Let her see you as her advocate in this situation; always on her side and doing what's right for her. Just develop guidelines in dealing with him until some consistency and trust is established. He will see you in a better light as well, not someone he has to fight with all of the time. It's a difficult role, but as women, we are the martyrs for creating the best lives of for our children

Vanessa - posted on 07/09/2010

Your not over reacting. I have a 17 and a 12 year old. I was the same way about the girlfriend thing when I was younger. Now I don't care so much. They both have different dads and I cared more with the oldest. The youngest I was used to it. I found out that you can't control every situation. Your her mom, she will not love someone else more. Kids get abused by their parents and put in foster care. They still want their parent over anyone else.You love your daughter and she is yours. That won't change.

Do what you are comfortable with. You have been a single mom and if he wants a relationship now with her, let him. But lay down the law. Because you are the law. Unless you have a parenting plan do what you should. Let him make the moves to see her. It is his responsibility, and you can say whether and when. Make sure you both can communicate and you also have to remember, when he does take her he is responsible and has his choices to make. You may not agree but as long as she isn't harmed you should be mostly fine. Not everything will go your way. It sucks.. but true.

I hope that helps.

Vanessa - posted on 07/09/2010

I think so yes, but only because how lasting is a relationship that has only been going on for 2 months. Try talking to him and explaining your feelings. My ex and I have a rule that we meet eachother's partner before our child (she is 8). It really works for us. Hope this helps.

Reagan - posted on 07/09/2010

You should set up a set visitation. the normal one is every other weekend. but since she is under 3 years old, its only from Saturday morning (9am)- Sunday evening (5pm). he needs to start seeing her regularly if he is going to be in her life. and i totally agree, NO girlfriends until later. he needs to spend that time just with his daughter. getting to know her. You can go through the court system to set that up. or y'all can just decide what works best. i am just a big believer in that he needs to see her regularly, if he is going to be in her life. Good Luck (:

Robin - posted on 07/09/2010

so he wants to pop in and out whenever he has the time? that is NOT okay! there is no such thing as a part time parent. if he didnt want to be in her life the first 14 months then why the sudden change of heart? is it the new girlfriend? maybe he is using your child to reel her in. if he was really trying to establish a relationship with his daughter he wouldnt want any distractions. sounds fishy to me. its not the new girlfriends fault but it sure sounds like he has a motive and playing head games with your baby should not be an option for him. someone who is absent in their childs live for 14 months is lower than dirt and this should be considerd child abandonment. if i were you i woulnt want him around my child. it takes a lot more than DNA to be a father.

Urshula - posted on 07/09/2010

I left my ex October last year. We have a 3year old son together. From birth I did almost everything myself and couldn't take supporting myself, kid and father on my own. He was hurt when i kicked him out but left. Since not living with us anymore he has had very little contact with his son, barely even talks to him. I wish i could deny him contact (he hasn't made any contributions financially) by my heart too soft. Currently my son is with his dad for 4weeks already. Miss my baby terribly! If I could, I would refuse all contact because he can't even pick up phone to speak to son but expects to "have" him over holidays! I feel your pain...

Kayla - posted on 07/08/2010

no your not over reacting. im going threw the same thing right now. my babys dad didnt want anything to do with her but now he does bc she is older and more active. your going to have to like the gf and he is going to have to like the bf bc they will be in her life. just tell him how it is and what you want him to do. i would say dont bring your gf around her untill she feels comfortable with him. but good luck.

Tazia - posted on 07/08/2010

I think you acted just fine. My sons dad has never been around and if he ever wanted to see him, he never could unless I was there cuz he wasn't the nicest person and I felt the same as you, that he was more of a stranger than a dad and I didn't want my son feeling afraid and uncomfortable. I do agree with Emily that he is probably just trying to show off for his new gf so she thinks he's some great family guy cuz some guys just do stupid stuff like that.

Megan - posted on 07/08/2010

no you should tell him that its not ok to do that bc if your daughter develops and emotional attachment to this other woman your the one who is going to pick up the pieces. you should set up a visitation and custody agreement with him like one or two weekends a month with strict guidleings that if needed can be amended you and also allow for her to make the decision but make a clear understanding of the rules you have with her father

Charlena - posted on 07/07/2010

YES YOU ARE ! what your doing is putting you emtions before your child , a mistake I use to make all the time , a lot of women are so quick to put the father down that they dont think that maybe their own behavior is driving the father away . Getting mad because the baby has meet the new girlfriend is just selfish , they have every right to move on and hun trust me , if the new gf likes ur baby father she isnt going to do anything to harm your baby , you do however have every right to meet her and know who is going to be around your child but you have to keep it civil with her , remember you are the ex now but you must maintain common ground so that you child can have both parents in his/her life without the fussing and fighting . Youve spent the last 14 months taking care of your child thats wonderful I think all single mothers/fathers need a reward ( honestly we do lol ) but you cant use that against him and just brand him a horrible father , hes there now and thats what matters , regardless of what happen in your relationship he is however the father of your child , if you have no other respect for him at least respect him for that . GOOD LUCK HUN =]

Emily - posted on 07/07/2010

No. You are not overreacting.
He stayed out of her life until she was "fun," and then suddenly wanted to play daddy. Now is not the time for him to introduce her to girlfriends.
Down the line, if he develops a healthy and stable relationship with her, it will be different. But right now, my money is on him using his daughter to show his girlfriend what a great guy he is. I would let him know that you are happy to discuss significant others down the line, but right now, his time with her should be dedicated to developing the father-daughter bond they don't have yet. In other words, no guests at visits.