single mom of 2 and not sure how to cope!?

Kelly - posted on 04/24/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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my kids father walked out on me and our kids a couple months ago. at first i thought it was a "i need space thing" because he was acting nice and yes ill admit we did hook up a couple of times. he was coming to see our kids now ages 4yrs and almost 7months regularly for the first 3 weeks. now everything has turned around hes sayin hes not coming home ever, hasnt really spent more than ten min with the kids in about a month. and now i receive messages from his x who is now his gf that he was w/her the whole time we were!! i have been a train wreck since he left and he knows this. he left two days before we were supposed to pay bills. i cant go anywhere w/o being scrutinized if im seeing anyone. him and his family are driving me absolutely mad! now i try my best to not let my son see me crying. but max is soo sweet he says mommy u'll be ok. like i said now their father doesnt want anything to do w/him. ive tried keeping things as civil as possible. its to the point where our son doesnt even want to see him when i ask about seeing daddy. is that a normal reaction for a 4yr old to be having?? but the more i dont talk to him the more he tries and tries to bring me down and i dont know how much more i can take?? any advice??

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KEISHA - posted on 05/01/2010

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I am so sorry that you are going through this. It will get better. I know it doesnt seem that way but it will. I am a single mother of two myself my youngest being 5months so trust me I can understand. Try not to let ur baby see you cry. As for your ex u deserve better and you have to tell yourself that and believe that. If he was with his ex the whole time u dont want him back. The trust is gone and you know dont know how much of his feelings were real or fake.

Do not let him know he is getting to you or that he has upset your life. To let him know is to give him some control over your life and he DOES NOT derserve that. DO not stress over your bills. When there is a will theere is a way and you will come out on top. Believe me God didnt get u this far to let you down.

I am unsure as to the 4yr old but I wouldnt make my son see someone he doesnt want to see. Or i would make sure i am present during the visits. And try not to worry about his father not wanting to see him. that is the fathers loss. And remeber you can make him be a dad just as you can make him grow up and be a man about his actions.

I hope with each day you grow stonger if not for you sake then for your kids. Be blessed and please email me if you ever need and encouraging word of just someone to talk to. I know sometime its easier to talk to people you dont know and cant see.

Kelly - posted on 05/01/2010

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just to keep everyone updated....well i figured id only ask my kids' father till fri to come see them over the weekend. i was kinda shocked to his answer on thurs. asked him super nicely "hey come see the kids over the weekend we can meet at the park" his answer!!! "i cant im working on my truck!!" all day i said and he was like "no! all weekend! i couldnt f'n believe it!!! so i was like oh well if u change ur mind let me know and i again reminded him fri around 3pm about the park on sat around noon. well lets just say we just got home from the park because my son had to potty and the park potties were locked. and still no daddy. so starting tomorrow and forever on im not gonna ask i figure he knows exactly what i do every day of the week he has my number and knows where i live. because i still do the same exact thing w/him gone. so he has no excuse......just feel sad for the next girl he sees cuz hes gonna prolly say the same thing he said to me "my other kids mom doesnt let me see my kids" which is a bunch of BS in my case cuz he was messing w/her the whole time and she knew but dont worry ladies i wont make that mistake EVER AGAIN! if he shows up at my door sayin sorry hes just gonna get it slammed in his face> LOL. thx everyone u ladies were a real real help!!

Heather - posted on 05/01/2010

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It is normal for your son to react that way, If you can get yourself and your son into counseling, I did this with my kids and it was the best thing for them. They have a safe haven to talk about their feelings without worrying about hurting mine. It is difficult...but try to move on best you can, start doing things for you and your kids put you all first and block the other out. I've been there if you every need to talk feel free to message me

Heather

Sylvia - posted on 05/01/2010

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I was a single mom of four and did well. My life revolved around the children's needs. That is what brought me through until they were old enough to do on their own.

Danielle - posted on 04/30/2010

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me and my mom had this same reaction about my nephs mom and im having the same problem with my yr old it get hard but u cant let it get to u yes its normal cause he hurt ur son emotionaly and that is how ur son is trying to deal with it when u go to talk to ur son bring up baseball or football some thing fun that he likes to do with friends at school

Karmi - posted on 04/30/2010

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I have this same exact problem! Although my son is only one, but I think he understands. He has seen me cry and be very upset, he'll also wipe my tears and look at me so sadly. But I think it is a normal reaction from him because when he sees his mom cry right after talking to dad then he will connect two. Kids are much smarter then we all think, they get it.
What I have done with my son's father is just push him aside and pretty much tell him we are better without him. It really sucks how much pain it causes and how upset we get about it, because we are the ones left to pick up the pieces of our children during these problems. But stay strong, it will all get better soon! Keep him out of your life and I think you'll do okay :)

Gretchen - posted on 04/30/2010

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i know exactly how you feel. my ex slapped divorce papers on my door & i have been taking care of my 2 boys by myself. no explanation at all. i feel for ya. hang in there & take it day by day,i still do.

Marcia - posted on 04/30/2010

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i've been there, and realize i was wasting my energy on chasing him to have a relationship with my 2 boys (3 and 2).
when i was depressed and adjusting to been a single parent i would take my boys to the park to ride their bikes or look for lizards are enjoy them play and grow.
In time you will realize you got the better deal. No room for toxic people around your children.
THIS SHALL PASS.
i also didnt want to cry in front of my boys and with advise found it's okay to cry, it shows your children you are not always a strong rock.
i had to apply for hardship from my super up to $10,000 to pay bills and then i had to learn to rebudget again. most place where outstanding that i was going to take abit of time to catch up.
take care.

Renee - posted on 04/29/2010

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I am currently in a similar position. My daughter's father left us back in October and I feel my life has spun out of control since then. He has tried being nice to me to get what he wants and then makes me feel horrible. I have learned to not let him know how I feel and that the fact that he left us for another woman doesn't bother me. If he knows he is hurting you, he will continue. Unfortunatly we have had events happen that he can no longer see my daughter. I feel very alone and very lost. My daughter is 21 mths old and has the same feelings as your son does about seeing her dad. She used to refuse to go with him which also made me feel horrible. It is very hard when your child does not want to see their father, and i don't really know how to handle it either. Best of luck, everything will be fine in the end :)

Erin - posted on 04/29/2010

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It gets easier. I agree with the reply to cry in the shower. No child wants to see mommy hurt your son is reacting normally. You are doing all the right things.

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2010

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I have been a single Mom off and on through the years just keep keepin on do what you have to do live your life for your kids if he cares at all he will come around and visit with them. I have an 8 yr old by a little boy who has a beatiful girl who he never sees and she doesn't care to see him either. Just don't force him to see them if he wants to see them then he will get ahold of you. Hold your head up high and know that it isn't your fault and forget his family that's screwed I have the same problems. I have learned to let go of them they know your numbers and where you live.

Donna - posted on 04/28/2010

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if he wants to play immature and selfish, the best way to contact him may just be through family court and let your lawyers do the talking for both of you. he'll look like such a deadbeat. and you my dear can leave all this crap behind you with your head up high.

Kelly - posted on 04/27/2010

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thx everyone u guys really are great!! but today at work was the last straw. i tried talkin about a schedule he completely shut me out. i wont bother if he wants to see the kids he will unblock however he wants to communicate w/me and say hey can i see the kids on the weekend? i can take the kids to the park and he can interact there. cuz my son doesnt like being w/him all that much cuz he always yelled at my son when he would interrupt his game playing.

Ana - posted on 04/27/2010

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This is a very difficult situation but u ned to realize u r the most important person in your life and your kids lives, he is not important anymore u cant make someone do something they dont want to do. It is very hard to accept especially because u r hurting and so r your kids but the sooner u get there the easier it will be for the kids. You have to realize that his relationship with the kids has nothing to do with you. It is his lost because he wont get to know the wonderful human beings you are raising and there is nothing he can take away from you anymore How can a nothing like him take from you a mom doing her best for her kids...I will get easier I promise

Katie - posted on 04/27/2010

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I completely agree with Brandy! I had an unusual situation with my ex - he molested my neighbor's daughter which devastated the kids and I. Even after his so-called rehabilitation he was so mentally unstable he ruined any chance of knowing his kids. My son hates him. My daughter was too young to remember but wishes he had been a better person. It was a horrible thing for the kids and I to live through but we did and we are much happier now than we have been. You'll get through it, even when it seems impossible! But above all KEEP A LOG of every interaction you have with the father. It will help you immensely during the divorce & custody hearings. Plus on an emotional level, it will help you get out any frustration you may be having. At least, that's what it did for me.

Kelly - posted on 04/27/2010

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that wont work as his mom (well his whole fam) knew what he did to me. i did try talkin to them but it was just turned around on me sayin it was my fault!! im pretty sure ive done everything i possibly can. cuz he said he's leaving i guess?? i talked to some good ppl last nite and i just gotta move on. ill try like once a week sending him something to see the kids. but i think in the end, if this keeps up my kids will be better off w/o him anyways!! i know its mean to say but id rather they get love from only one parent than feel hate from the other. plus it will be reassuring when max stops asking me if daddy is making me sad. he started sayin, "mommy ur happy!"

Annette - posted on 04/26/2010

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if he blocks you, contact him through his parents. tell them he is blocking you, but you need to arrange visits with his children. tell them he walked out without paying his bills & that you would like them to ask him to pay you his half please. i agree, log everything. if his parents block you, you have done everything you possibly can.

Kelly - posted on 04/26/2010

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so then what do i do when i try to contact him via text, im, phone call, or even a message from fb or myspace, about visiting or coming to the park to see the kids, and i find out that he has blocked me from every way of contacting him???????? i dunno why but its making me upset?? i mean how can someone do that what if something happens to one of the kids and i need to tell him. omg im such a bawl baby!! ive run out of ways to keep in contact w/him. i really dunno what to do now!!

Brandy - posted on 04/25/2010

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Kelly I was in the same situation as you. What you need to do is keep a log of everything. WRITE IT down. save the texts. try once a week to contact to set up weekly visits. everything at the same time like Saturday 10 am to 2 pm. meet at a mutual place. be super nice. IF he dont show up then log it. show your kids you have tried everything in your power. The reason your 4 yr old says this is because he don't like to see you hurt. he don't want to see him because he don't like the fact that he hurts you. My kids father ran out on us and left us with out a home because he took his last pay check for drugs. now he is in jail for 15 to 30 years. he has not written since Christmas. I have wrote to him on many occasions and no response. He likes to go through his aunt to contact me. His own mother wont even call me and she thinks i owe her something. I have decided to be the bigger person the past 10 YEARS and I am not longer that bigger person. His side of the family and him can get ahold of me if they need too. they have my number. BUT WHAT YOU NEED to do is write everything down. what you have been trying to do down to the minutes and seconds of the day. keep records of everything. cry at night when the kids are in bed. keep a journal for yourself. and talk to friends and move on from him. you will get over this.

Kelly - posted on 04/25/2010

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i have been telling that what he did hurt me a whole lot even screwed me with leaving me to pay his half of bills when he left.........he did what all little boys do!!! just shrugged his shoulders and said o well what do u want me to do about it! i have my really good moments and bad moments but i know i will eventually let go completely but i want my kids to see him regularly but he doesnt want to. and im done trying to force him to.

[deleted account]

It's totally normal for you to feel this way. I really hope you are feeling a little better today & please feel free to email me if you need to talk. I really think you should let him know how much this has hurt you & I hope he accepts responsibility for his actions. You will get through this with or without your ex & you have your wonderful kids for life.

Stephanie - posted on 04/24/2010

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Dont let him see that he gets to you. men thrive on that. Your son is normal, no child wants to see mommy hurt. You will get over this, I promise. Cry in the shower, and hold your head high outside of it. Tell your ex that you dont live for him, you live for your kids, and smile when you say it.

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