Single mom to be needs advice

Tiffany - posted on 06/09/2010 ( 59 moms have responded )

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Not too long ago I found out I was pregnant, once I found out I told my family and also let my babys father and his family know. As soon as I told him he quickly stated how he would pay for an abortion, with no job and no stability. This hurt me to an effect and until this day every now and then I still get a little emotional because of the way he's treating my pregnancy and also because of hormones. Anyways, everyone on my side of the family is fine and are ready to be there for me even his family is and said that they would help in anyway, everyone is okay with it except for him. He claims how there is no baby and how he doesn't want to talk to me or deal with me , probably not for the baby's sake either. Everytime I did talk to him he would always end up yelling for no reason.His family has also tried to talk to him about what he's doing and how it isn't right, they can't even get through to him. I want him to be in our childs life and he claims that if I am pregnant he'll be there, but if he denies the baby now what is that saying. I've talked to friends and family and they keep saying maybe he'll come around when the baby gets here. I on the other hand have not tried to get my hopes up for that and am just focusing on me and the baby.

Am I doing the right thing?

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Julie - posted on 10/31/2012

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RIGHT NOW baby is all yours... he is in denial ...

File with your State's Child Enforcement Bereau for financial support without your having to call him into account - they will do it for you, hassle-free.

RIGHT NOW plan for a life alone without him ... he may or may not ever make contact again. I'm there... after almost 30 years... ♥

Loryn - posted on 10/23/2012

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Hi there,

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I hope you are able to forward this information to those interested, who also fit the bill. Here are the qualifications:



Single

No more than 5 months pregnant

Working / business woman

Personality



I truly appreciate your consideration and assistance, hope to hear from you soon! I can be reached at lwhitecasting@gmail.com

Tia - posted on 10/17/2012

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Hi! I feel the same way as you.I tried everything I could to get my child's father to be involved,but he never even botherd to meet my son.He always had an excuse as to why he couldn't.I used to look at his Facebook page and he was saying happy birthday to everyone and "I love you to his girlfriend",but never once said any of that to his own child.It really make me sick.There was nothing on his page that involved me or my son,so I finally had to force myself to stop looking.Now when I get depressed I just go somewhere bymyself and have a drink.It may not be the healthiest thing,but it does help take my mind of things for a little while.I also haven't called him or spoken to him in over two year.I just said what's the point in calling someone who never calls me.It really does feel like a knife to my heart,but like you said you just got to start focussing on just you and your child.Really a mom and child is a family unit.You don't need a dad in there for it be a family unit.My child's father too said he wasn't ready to be a father.He sure was ready to get me pregnant though.Anyway,I'm not just blaming him.I know I got with the wrong person.I just don't think that I should have to go through this alone.No mother should have to raise a child alone.

Tia - posted on 10/17/2012

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When people say "Maybe he'll come around",they are just saying that to make you feel better.Truth is,if he is not helping you out to the fullest extent while your pregnant then he won't help you out to the fullest extent after you have that baby.I think the best thing to do is try to get his family involved.Invite his family to the hospital when you are giving birth.His family probably has nothing against you so they will probably help you out.I'm saying this because your child needs to know the other side of his family,even if he does not know his dad.I think a lot of times when a guy tells a girl to get an abortion,it is not just because he can't afford a baby,but because he wasn't planning to have a baby with that particular person.He might have already moved on to the next girl and doesn't want to take care of a baby by a person he doesn't want to be with anymore.All I can say now is prepare to fill for child support(no matter what) and save your $$'s because you are probably going to be a single mom.The bad news is,if he doesn't bond with the child before two,he will probably never will.The good news is,it gets easier with each passing year,and if you meet someone else who will be a better father to your child.

Jessica - posted on 06/28/2010

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i was in the same situation twice over... what i learned is if they aren't around now, they aren't going to come around. I wasted so much time and energy trying to convince them to be there. I told them what i was going through, begged them to help out, asked them, tried everything to get them involved and nothing worked. if they don't want to be around, they are not going to be. i don't think actually seeing the child is going to change that for them either. I spent many nights alone feeling sorry for myself, wondering why they didn't care or why I had to take care of the children by myself. I held so many hopes and bitter emotions over it... because trust me, taking care of a baby is hard... and i didn't understand why i had to do it alone. I resented their father so much. it depressed me and i cried over it. my son is now eleven. he has seen his dad maybe ten times. and now i realize that i was better off, because my son didn't need to be around someone that was such a rotten person that didn't care about him. it took me a long time to let that go and be okay with that. i realized that you can't make a duck into a horse and you can't change a person and actions always speak louder than words. if he was going to be there, he would believe you and be there for you and your baby now. he isn't because he is selfish and he doesn't care and the sad thing is, he never will. you can't force him to either. i do not get the whole wait for him to come around and not ready to be a dad thing... he had sex and he took the risk so he should have been ready to face the consequences. there is no, I am not ready to be a dad... well, maybe you weren't ready to be a mother, but you changed your life for the better and made yourself ready... if he was a decent guy, he would do the same thing... not play games. my son's dad says the same thing to me even now, and my son is eleven... and on the rare occasion when i do talk to him i say, well, i wasn't ready either, but i had to grow up. you weren't there for your son and you missed out. live with it!

Brittany - posted on 06/19/2010

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yeah cause even if he is scared that ant no reason to act like that and more then likely he will not be there but you never know he may shock you and be there for you and the baby

Jodie - posted on 06/19/2010

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If it's what you want....definitely! Just don't count on him being there for the baby. If you love the baby and your family is willing to help (and even his family) then that's enough. It doesn't take 2 to raise a child, it literally takes the village. If you have the village behind you then the one outside doesn't matter. If he doesn't come around, he'll regret it when the baby is grown.

Jc - posted on 06/17/2010

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I feel that you need to keep doing what you doing. Remember whether he turns around or not you still need to be able to take care of you and your child. I would not talk to him at all except to let him know when the baby is on the way. That gives him the chance to see if he is going to be there for the baby. Yelling at you for no reason to me means you need to let him be. If he comes around it will depend 100% on him. Don't get your hopes up. Move on with your life.

BUT!!! Keep an open mind. He may come around afterwards! Or he may not. It is better to deal with that fact now then hoping for the best and then later he lets you down.

I wish you the best. But unfortunately most times guys mention abortions first......... they have already decided they do not want to be in the picture. Keep your head up.

Tiffany - posted on 06/17/2010

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Well everyone I have recently come to a conclusion...check out my new post to see what happened, its title
"Update to single mom to be needs advice". Thanks everyone for all your help!

Lynne - posted on 06/17/2010

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After raising a happy, healthy and pretty well adjusted daughter into young adulthood alone, let me just say this: You can not make him be the father you want your child to have, he can only be what he is. It took me a long time to get that concept. Being the best Mom you can and not leaving yourself open to be munipulated by his bad behavior is the ticket. I understand keeping the family in the loop but please, please don't go out of your way to provide that info. If his people want to see the ultrasound and ultimately the baby then they should come to you. You are not obligated to go to them. You'll survive without him or his help. Your child when it's time will make the decision to have a relationship with him or not. Whatever you do don't talk bad about him to the child...even in frustration, children are smart and they will come to see the situation for what it is sooner than you think. Keep your head, pray and stay in the word and keep it moving.

Kylie - posted on 06/16/2010

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WOW !!!!!!! that is exactly my possition !!! (besides his family, where I do not having anything to do with them) my ex wanted nothing to do with my son, and it was heartbreaking. and everyone told me the same thing, as soon as he was born he would come around.. ppfffttt. im not waiting around for it. My son is 8 1/2 months and i still have not recieved a cent from him, heard a word from him even to make sure we are both ok, and he hasnt met him. I see it as I would rather that than him come and go out of our lives as he pleases, and cause more stress on both me and my son. A baby needs love, no matter who it is from, and It seems like it will all crumble around you (i know there were alot of days where i wanted to curl up on a ball because I didnt know how i was going to handle it on my own), but we are women !!!!! it is ur survival instinct. you will get through and you will do a great job !!! because you have the love and support of your family and friends, and each time you look at your bub you will know, no matter how hard it is, it is all worth it.

Darla - posted on 06/16/2010

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I went through something kinda similar. My youngest baby is 3 months, her father wasn't around for my entire pregnancy...didn't help buy anything etc. He even missed the delivery. But once she was born and he saw her...I guess u can say he's come around. Even though I don't want him around. I like having my baby to myself. I don't want to have to send her to go see her dad etc. She's attached to me and I'm attached to her. So now I just wish he would go away lol, back 2 wherever he was my entire pregnancy. It's hard for someone to deny a baby that they know is theirs, especially cause their soooo cute. HTH

Jane - posted on 06/15/2010

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Try not to worry about ur man,concentrate on yourself and your baby,he may come round when your little one arrives.If he doesnt he'll be the one who misses out on the most amazing time a couple can share.. It sounds as if you av all the support you need.Good luck x

Tanya - posted on 06/15/2010

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yes i agree with Rebecca he just might be scared or he doesn't want a child now. but one thing that you have to be ready for is if your married, dating is that at the end you might have some time in your child life when you might have to do it alone. if your family there for you then you can do it. it takes a strong woman to have a baby by herself.
this insight is coming from a person that got pregnant at 16 had my daughter at 17 and was without my daughter biological father until this year and i did a lot. some days will be better than other some days you will cry and not know how you can go on but you will find the strength to go
if you need to talk or anything you can talk to me

Brandy - posted on 06/15/2010

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im sey to hear wat ur goin thru. i went through the same thing when i found out i was pregnant, but its gonna get better. my baby is three months 2day and im a single mother. but of course my family is helpin me. just dnt stress urself out just think about the baby.....

Annie - posted on 06/15/2010

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Yes,you are doing the right thing darling.Your focus needs to be on your baby & your well being.Both of your happiness,no one elses.
I went through a similar situation but his involvment started to dissolve after I miscarried our daughters twin after two and a half months into my pregnancy.After being treated poorly due to it,I decided to end things.And to this day I know I did the right thing.
So stick with your gut instinct.Don't let anyone tell you differently.Only you know whats best for you & your little one.:)
Best of luck hun!

Emma Jaimie - posted on 06/15/2010

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of course you are. My baby's dad has done the exact same thing and now we are no longer in contact and he no longer see's Aidan. Me and my son are both so much better off without him im doing perfectly fine on my own and the baby doesnt know any different. But he will always know who his dad his as i will always tell him the truth but with me around he'll never want for anything. So just keep ur chin up an stay brave.....just keep telling yourself that you CAN do this x

Melissa - posted on 06/15/2010

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From one single mom to another, you're totally doing the right thing. I thought that my baby needed her daddy, but he was (and still is) denying that he's the daddy when there's no way she's someone else's. She's 5 now and I'm used to it. If he's denying the pregnancy and your baby now, he won't change sorry to say. Maybe it will be different for you. I hope it works out for you.

Tawanda - posted on 06/15/2010

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FIRST OFF U HAVE TO SEE ABOUT UR BABY. MEN LIKE THAT R JUST THAT A MAN. HE CANT DO FOR U BECAUSE HE DONT WANT TO AND THE BIG PICTURE IS HE MAY ALREADY HAVE A BABY ON THE WAY AND DONT WANT U TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT. BEEN THERE. IF U R WILLIN TO DO WHAT IS BEST U AND UR BABY THEN F**K THE REST. UR FAMILY WILL BE THERE IF NO ONE ELSE WILL. PRAY AND ASK GOD TO HELP U THRU THIS

Jessica - posted on 06/15/2010

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things might change once the baby is born. or maybe not! just do the best you can and with the help of your family and his plus friends everything will be ok. you have to do what you think is right. my son has never had a father and he is perfectly fine! stay strong and dont stress. you cant force him to do anything and if you do it will only hurt the baby in the end

Raynae - posted on 06/15/2010

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The father of my 19 month old daughter was not around during the pregnancy except for a couple months here and there... I didn't force him into it and he wasn't around for a while, wasn't there for the birth or for months after. He started coming around at 6 months and has been around for a year now. I now regret letting him control me that way by whenever he wanted to pop in he could. I have made decisions that I wish I had made different, but I will never regret. I have recently decided that he is not to be in her life until he can change, not only because he wasn't around but because of different activities he is involved in that are not healthy. So just remember that he may change after it has set in, but he may not. Just remember to stay strong and that is YOUR baby. You make your own decisions and dont worry about him.

Valerie - posted on 06/15/2010

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yes u are. do not doubt yourself! even though your baby daddy is being an ass it's great that you have so many others on your side and are there for you. but be careful...i understand you want him in your child's life but if he is acting this way now...imagine what he would do when your lil baby is in this world. you dont need the pain or drama nor does your baby. so just enjoy your pregnancy and your baby...if the baby's father does come around be sure to let him know that he will not be coming in and out of your child's life...may God Bless you and your baby. take care.

Telika - posted on 06/14/2010

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hey chica,all i can tell you is pray,thank god for your family.your baby daddy is probably scared and very immature and if he is thank god he's not in your child's life,after all,he'll only be an extra kid.

life isn't fair but god says he can ease you through it,it does hurt when our kids dad don't participate in this pregnancy bc it is the most important step in life,but unfortunately he didn't -baby daddy come w/a sign on him soo w/taht being said the only advice i can give you is to just move on thank god for your famuily and believe me things will look up for you good luck and if you need to talk please email me: telika_simmons@yahoo.com

Kelly - posted on 06/14/2010

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Take it slow with him and maybe he will come around. He may be scared and doesn't know what to do. I am glad that you have a good support system in place with your family! I think you are doing the right thing focusing on yourself and your baby! Take care of yourself

Angela - posted on 06/14/2010

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You are definitely doing the right thing my dear. When the baby comes, this may become more 'real' ti the father and it may help jolt him into acknowledging and helping with the baby... but if you just concentrate on you and the baby then you will neither be disappointed or at a loss if he doesn't come around to his senses. Get a support network (sounds like you're doing a great job at that already) and give everything you have into being a mummy... don't let this mans 'drama' detract from your beautiful baby. My best wishes to you both, and am sending prayers :-)

LATORIA - posted on 06/14/2010

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yes just focus on yourself and the baby and maybe he'll come around once the baby is born. its gonna be hard but you will make it through and in the end he's gonna regret that he wasnt around during this most precious time.

Annette - posted on 06/14/2010

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The most important thing is YOU!!!! If you want your baby that truly is all that matters. Single motherhood bites, lets be honest about that, but I loooooooooooooooooooove my girls, I made my girls in the sweetest love I have ever known for a man and that is what I took away. Honestly, I hate the piece of shit son of bitch baby daddy of mine but thats only because he is the devil and lies about the existence of our children and lied to me about his having a child throughout the time he and I were together BUT BUT BUT...I hate him because I still hold what I love in me...THAT FACT is what gets me through. If you have a support group and his family is with it then really OH WELL to him. Do not think or wait on him to change his mind. Its ok to hope but don't lose yourself in that hope so it won't break your heart if he doesn't. I do hope the best for you

Heather - posted on 06/14/2010

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You can leave room for him to come around bt do not wait forever...it is great when a father can be there for a child but I raised 2 children without fathers n sometimes it hurts more to chase or try to influence a man to be there. Remember everything happens for a reason.

April - posted on 06/13/2010

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Being a single mom myself i can say you have to stop worrying about him in the long run it his loss if he chooses not to step up and be a man then just know that you will teach your child to be better then that and you keeping the baby shows alot about who you are so if you are strong enough to make that decision then you know you are going to be all the parent this child needs i hope this helps

Brianne - posted on 06/13/2010

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Tell him that you can do it with him or with out and he will just have to get used to the fact that he is a father then he will have to make the desicition to be a daddy or a sperm doner

Shaklia - posted on 06/13/2010

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yes u are doing the right thing i had this issue wit my daughter's father now in my situation i loved this man no job no nothing was going on in his life until i helped him get a job now he never denied my daughter or anything like that but his family did.... when he starting working he would leave me at his house wit no food no phone basically dumb stuff he didnt want to be wit me or anything.... but after my daughter was born everything changed he wanted to be wit me after i moved on i couldnt get rid of him so he mite come around after he sees the baby so guve him time but continue to do 4 you and urs dont bother him or anything and if his side of the family is happy then let them help u girl, forget what he has to say have a nice pregancy with no stress

Janell - posted on 06/13/2010

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Tiffany,
I am so sorry about ur situation but I am also a single mother and from day one my baby daddy didnt want anything to do with my daughter which she is now almost one years old. The only thing that you should worry about is you and the baby because there is nothing you can do to change his mind. If he wants something to do with the baby than fine but just know that no matter what the baby will always have you and your family to love him/her and that is just fine!! My baby girl on the other hand is just fine without her daddy and I'm happy the way things turned out.. I hope you the best of luck and just remember your a woman and your strong enough to get through this. :)

Erin - posted on 06/12/2010

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Ultimately, you are the only one that can decide what is best for you and your baby. It may be having him in your life, IF he comes around, or it may be him NOT being in your life.

Try and keep these two things in mind though-
1. Make sure you hold him financially responsible, he DID help make this child after all. Your state's Department of Health and Human Services can file all the paperwork for you and they will collect and hold him accountable, if you don't think he will pay up willingly.
2. Children need consistency. He needs to either be in, or be out, he can't pop in whenever he feels like it, and leave when the going gets tough. It will only confuse your little one, and unfortunately, YOU will be the one holding him/her during the tears.

I too am a single mother (though I didn't start out that way), and those are the two things that are the most important things to worry about regarding a child's absent, or potentially absent, parent.

Ebony - posted on 06/12/2010

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YES! Ignore his ass and focus on you and the baby! You can afford to worry about him and "his feelings" right now because you have 9 months to dedicate to your new child! He has to see that this is bigger then him and should he choose to act a little boy then mama let him! It won't be easy because you have your feeling involved, i do understand, but as the time passes it will be easier. You have the support of your family and his so the baby will have plenty of love! if the father chooses to not be apart of that then HIS BAD! He will have to answer to his child when that time comes! Not you. Just focus on being the best mother you can be and if the future brings you a new love, possibly finding a suitable father figure for your child! Stay positive and take care of the new bundle of joy headed your way! Congrats....

Tanya - posted on 06/12/2010

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girl move on he not worth it then just get all the support u can from ur side or his side of the family.. !

Shelby - posted on 06/12/2010

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You are doing the right thing. You need to do what's best for your baby. The father of my child completely denies paternity, and I'd like to believe he'll change, but I know he won't. That's why I gave up trying to involve him. If he wants to be a part of the baby's life, then he will make the effort. You should not have to do everything. If he doesn't want to be a part of the baby's life, then you are both better off.

Tia - posted on 06/12/2010

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if you feel you're doing the right thing.. then you are. my son's father wants nothing with nathan, his family EXCEPT his sister doesn't want to see nathan, she sees him when she can. i love that girl, the best aunt he can have ;]
my family however.. most are backstabbers, the only ppl i trust in there is my dad. my mom is like the rest.. act ok.. then talk behind the back. >.> and on my dad's side. we're all cool ;] they helped me so many times though they live in new york iand i'm in florida, they send care package whenever they can and i'm grateful for it.. even take pictures when he's wearing them so they can see

Jennifer - posted on 06/12/2010

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Guess he should have been more responsible about when the two of you had sex. Hopefully for the baby's sake he is just scared and will come around and will hopefully stay around. Good Luck to you.

Debz - posted on 06/12/2010

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I think you are doing the right thing Rebecca, at the end of the day you have a beautiful baby growing inside you, and if he doesnt want to have anything to do with the baby, you will have your gorgeous little bundle all to yourself! My baby's father did not contact me from when i told him i was pregnant until she was 13 months old, by which time she was MY BABY and i didnt really want to share her with him! Now he comes to visit maybe once every 4-5 weeks. The way i got him to acknowledge her is by pasting a picture of her on his facebook page and a message saying 'hi dad, i'm your little girl', it did the trick and made him think. So dont despair, just concentrate on your health and the baby, as all this worrying whilst pregnant wont be good for the baby! Just enjoy your pregnancy, take care of yourself and just wait for that magical moment when you will have your baby in your arms, it sounds like you have plenty of family there to help you too. Good luck x x x x x

Brittany - posted on 06/11/2010

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For the guys acting all rough and tough, theyre the ones that cant hack it! Some people just aint up for the challenge and its sad to say that us women are the ones that have to give up everything for THEM to be living it up?? No mam! U stay strong for that beautiful miracle and show him that you dont need him to a good mom, be the independent woman that u have to be and dont you ever let anyone tell you that you cant! Just watch when he looks into his babys eyes everything bad comment and thought he had will all go away and if not then screw it no woman needs a man to be happy! Stay strong girl!

Kim - posted on 06/11/2010

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first let me introduce myself im kim and im 29 and ive been a single mother since i found out i was my kdis father told me to have an abortion and that hurt me more then anything in the world bc i was told that i couldnt have children bc of a medical condition so when i found out that i was pregnant i was so excited i went through everything the yelling screaming and i hated him and sometimes i still do. you have to be strong for the baby you are carrying that baby feels and hears everything that happens when your upset the baby feels it thats not a joke my son is almost 5 years old. i love being a mother and going through this and being a single mother is hard but i look at my kids and know that i did the right thing bc i hear my son say mommy or him tell me he loves me or him just hug me for no reason. its his lost not yours so be strong for yourself and the baby and if you need to talk feel free to email me at libabygirl2000@yahoo.com or look me up on facebook at kim rothwell

Shaniqua - posted on 06/11/2010

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My babys father denied my son when i told him that i was pregnant, He kept asking me "was it his" & "are you sure". Finally he just abandoned us. He didnt' want anything to do with our child. & My son is 9 months & His father has never met him or anything. & throughtout my whole pregnancy i just stayed focused on me & my son. As much as i wanted his father to be in his life, I just simply knew he wasn't going to come around & i had to be mommy & daddy...& i was fine with that. If he decides to come around in the end then so be it. But like you said i wouldn't get your hopes up for that. Just do what you have to do for you & your baby.

Jenna - posted on 06/11/2010

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Keep the focus on you and the baby. The father might be scared or just useless. If he doesn't want to be in the childs life then so be it. My oldest son's father has never been in his life and it might have been the best thing for him. My son is on the honor roll and plays sports, and a wonderful well respectful kid. You have to do for you, not him. Don't get your hopes and if he comes are wonderful. Good luck to you and the baby.

Ashley - posted on 06/11/2010

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you need to do what u feel is right. but once that baby is born and he see's he/she fpr the first time he wil change his mind there is nothing more beautiful or natural than a new life brought into the world. he wil come around chin up hunni jst think about u and your precious little bundle

Mogire - posted on 06/11/2010

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its the right thing to focus on you and baby..men are funny they can even support you in your pregnancy then disappear on babays arrival. be strong and ready for anything but most of all focus and know you not alon in it.

Leane - posted on 06/11/2010

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Hi Tiffany, I was kind of in the same predicament as you I had only been seeing the father for a few weeks and only had sex on 2 nights before finding out I was pregnant a couple of weeks later in the begining of july 2009, he said he'd be there and throughout the pregnancy only met me once in the october but then text me at xmas saying he wanted to be there it was all lies he messed with my head and emotions big time, saying he didnt believe the baby was his, then asking me if I wanted to be a family..... I said I wanted us to become friends so that things would be ok when the baby was born, but he couldnt find the time :( I dont know any of his family and t the time I wasnt really in touch with mine, my daughter WIllow is now 11 weeks old and have done everything on my own with a little help from my best friend. He has only been in touch once to ask for a DNA test that was about 4/5 weeks ago havent heard anything from him since I think he wants me to hand it to him on a plate (idiot)If he wants to provide for her he can do it off his own back I'm not asking for anything and I am not going to the CSA either that says to me I need/want his money and I don't, your baby will have more time to bond with you and you alone, and in the end like me you can say I raised you I gave you everything you needed. GOOD LUCK x

[deleted account]

No problem Tiffany
just focus on your health and the babies :) dont let anyone or anything stress you out, and if u feel stressed just go in a room wit the lights off and relax or go for a mini walk and grab a coffee or something :)

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