Single mother here; I have a few questions about child support and custody?

[deleted account] ( 98 moms have responded )

My daughter is 5 weeks old. I am a single mother. Her father and I are no longer together because he is very verbally abusive, so I broke-up with him when I was pregnant.



Her father IS on the birth certificate, and he IS active in her life, but I don't understand what will happen in the future. As long as he is doing his job, I will not take him to court. He comes over to see her, but I haven't let him take her yet. He gives me money all the time, and buys things for our daughter. He keeps asking to take her, but I'm so nervous because of his past and temper. If HE gets mad at me for some reason, and tries to go get custody, what are the chances of HIM getting custody? And what kind of custody? I know I have a chance to respond, and nothing is set in stone without my response, but what are the chances?



I never planned for me to be a single mother, but he developed a very bad temper, and was very verbally abusive throughout my entire pregnancy.



He has a VERY bad criminal past with drugs. He's been to jail 3 times for drugs, and also to a rehab (half-way house). Although he doesn't do them now, I'm still scared that he might sometime in the future, and around my daughter. All of his friends are drug friends. If he was rude/mean to me during pregnancy, what the heck is he capable of for a newborn, screaming baby.. you know?



Give me some tips and facts. What do you know from experience?

Anything helps!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Denae - posted on 05/11/2014

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Hey I have a 1 year old and his father hasn't been around for more than half his life. He's a drug user never paid for him. Hasn't been around but he keeps threatening me saying he's gonna get 50% of custody . There's no way right? He Dosent even have a house he was living out of his car recently. I want to file for full custody so that I'm safe of not loosing my child .... Any suggestions?

Kaila - posted on 05/04/2014

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I have a question.
I am a single mom, my son's father is not on the birth certificate either.
He has not met him, nor has he attempted to. He lives with a current
girlfriend and he signed over writes to his daughter from a previous marriage
about a month ago. If I were wanting to put him on child support considering he
hasn't done anything for the past 9months of our child's life would he be eligible for any
visitation?

N - posted on 08/16/2015

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Im 15 and i just recently had a baby 2 months ago and the father bought a store bought dna test and came out he was the father he is 17. Does he have rights to see this child if it hast been court ordered?

Bethany - posted on 11/27/2015

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My daughters father has been getting visitation with her for six years and all of a sudden he just stopped coming to get her. He's been using drugs since he was a teenager and he tells me that he's stopped but I have heard from his family and my daughter that he is still doing them. So what can I do if he contacts me and says that he wants to come get her after not picking her up for a month? And it is court ordered for him to have her every weekend.

Brittany - posted on 09/27/2009

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I can honestly say i have been in the same situation & i currently still am. i CAN ASSURE YOU THE CHANCES ARE VERY LOW WITH HIM GAINING CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD. ESPECIALLY DUE TO HIS CRIMINAL BACKGROUND. I WAS SCARED TO PUT MINE ON CHILD SUPPORT FOR FEAR HE WOULD TAKE ME TO COURT FOR JOINT CUSTODY. HE THREATENED ME HE WOULD & IT SEEMED SO REAL. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOUR EX WILL BE TOOO TIRED OR TOO BROKE TO EVEN AFFORD A LAWYER & START THE CASE OR EVEN WANT TO BE BOTHERED. TAKE IT FROM ME I KNOW. MY DAUGHTER IS ALMOST 4 & HE STILL HASN'T FOLLOWED THROUGH ON HIS THREATS & NOW HE'S BACK IN JAIL FOR DRUGS AGAIN...LOL



YOU CAN ALSO BRING PROOF TO COURT WHEN YOU FILE FOR CHILD SUPPORT OF HIS CRIMINAL RECORDS. ITS LIKE $30 BUT ITS WORTH EVERY PENNY!! GO TO Intellius.com or UsSearch.com enter in his info pay & there you go...legal documents!!! GOOD LUCK! ANY OTHER QUESTIONS MESSAGE ME!

98 Comments

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Tiny - posted on 04/03/2016

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So I have no problem letting my daughter stay with her father for a couple night . especially knowing I just got this job and we live kinda far from each other. So he gets mad cause I called him to ask him if a shorty been around my daughter cause I seen an pic of his sister and the shorty together. He lives with his sister. So I decide to ask if she been around my daughter he says no then get mad and start going crazy. Then out of nowhere he says " if you want her gonto court". Let me remind you we already have to go to court on the 6th for child support. But the thing with me. He had my daughter all week I'm not waitin til the 6th to see my daughter again. So I'm wondering can I file a complaint or what.cause if I can't . its going to go down so I can get my child back.

Tiny - posted on 04/03/2016

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So I have no problem letting my daughter stay with her father for a couple night . especially knowing I just got this job and we live kinda far from each other. So he gets mad cause I called him to ask him if a shorty been around my daughter cause I seen an pic of his sister and the shorty together. He lives with his sister. So I decide to ask if she been around my daughter he says no then get mad and start going crazy. Then out of nowhere he says " if you want her gonto court". Let me remind you we already have to go to court on the 6th for child support. But the thing with me. He had my daughter all week I'm not waitin til the 6th to see my daughter again. So I'm wondering can I file a complaint or what.cause if I can't . its going to go down so I can get my child back.

Tiny - posted on 04/03/2016

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So I have no problem letting my daughter stay with her father for a couple night . especially knowing I just got this job and we live kinda far from each other. So he gets mad cause I called him to ask him if a shorty been around my daughter cause I seen an pic of his sister and the shorty together. He lives with his sister. So I decide to ask if she been around my daughter he says no then get mad and start going crazy. Then out of nowhere he says " if you want her gonto court". Let me remind you we already have to go to court on the 6th for child support. But the thing with me. He had my daughter all week I'm not waitin til the 6th to see my daughter again. So I'm wondering can I file a complaint or what.cause if I can't . its going to go down so I can get my child back.

S&S - posted on 09/17/2014

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Do not let him do overnights. document everything. do supervised visits. you have a good case for him not to get joint as it doesnt sound like it would be in the childs best interest. keep documenting everything.

Poloist12 - posted on 03/25/2014

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I also want to say that it's not a very good idea to not respond in a timely manner. My ex is about to figure that out. I don't have the problems that your ex has. I'm a good father, not violent, or have ever been abusive in anyway. My ex isn't; hadn't responded because she wants to be in control. Now she's not doing so because I think she sees I actually have a case and she could possibly lose. Backed into a corner if you will. If you are served more than likely you will have a set time frame in order to respond. Do so before that dead line. But if he's as bad as you say, respond quickly; this will give them pause and wonder what you have up your sleeve. He may then back down.

Poloist12 - posted on 03/25/2014

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Agreed. But at this point you are taking the law in your own hands by not allowing the father to take the child on over night visitation. Unfortunately you are going to have to she'll out the clams to make it all legal. Bring with you everything you have about his criminal past. Don't even worry so much about the verbal. If he's not doing it to the child or in front of the child and you have no record of it, good luck in that fight. Courts hear that all the time. Remember "Beat Interest Of the Child."

If you can't find anything as far as his legal issues, and if they aren't things that are recent, you may find that you will have and your child to him every other weekend. Sorry but that's the sad "facts" of it all. No matter what others may say here that's the only way to get around it. Not tricks with breast feeding.

Poloist12 - posted on 03/25/2014

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Sure about that? With the new technology of breast pumps there may be an argument there.

Brittany - posted on 03/24/2014

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it probably wasnt planned ya jerk. this is a place of support for women/moms not to b judged, but helped. if u are not offering support n ur not a mom, go away plz.

Nessa - posted on 02/14/2014

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my advice is to get a legal custody agreement thought the court or a mediator...have it legalized. If he is on the birth certificate he has right to take her without your permission and not have to return her to you. This happened to one of my friend she refused to let him take his daughter so one day when the little girl was at daycare he went to pick her there was nothing the daycare could do because he was on the birth certificate....the cops didnt get involved because there was no corut order and he was legally her father so it wasnt kidnapp.he keep his daughter from my friend for about two month till the court decide on an agreement.....protect your daughters future and yours not everyday will be a good day

Candace - posted on 02/09/2014

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I am a single mom to a 10 month old boy I live and texas and the father is not on the birth certificate. My ex bf was abusive and has criminal background from assault and drugs. Basically my question is in Texas who has custody and can he just come get him because Im hearing two different answers about it and if I did go file for custody how big of a chance will i get of winning custody. I have proof saying he don't want him and he is mean and hateful and abusive towards my son to get back at me. He has threaten to take him and run to California with him what do i do? plz help thank you

Teresa - posted on 01/20/2014

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I've been court 4 time s farther very controlling had solcitor and now two barrister but the farther will not agree to shared time with my daughter . Welfere have interviewed my daughter which she ask to see me more and in fact gave me less .. I feel need to send a letter to explain how I can really face court again as now have cost upto £18000 and farther do s not pay any thing as he represent s him self . Both barriester comments this person is very controlling and clearly no one is listening .. Every time I go court farther will not agree . Can not afford any more cost . I'm sure if farther was liable for cost this would end stop wasting time in court and my daughter and me ... As I'm a working mother I'm being told by welfere and farther I should not work but seems ok for the farther to work full time . I feel very let down by the system and for my daughter I'm left with being confussed . And now feel I can not face any more ... Terrie

Krysten - posted on 10/29/2013

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Hi. I am a single parent. The dad of our daughter has filed a paternity test to get rights to see our daughter. He asks if he can come over and see her? Do I need to let him or should I wait until it is established that he is the dad? We were engaged and dating over a year before I had enough of him cheating and lying to me. This is a few of the things he has done and his mom.

I also have and filed a restraining order against him and his mom. My daughter was born 5 weeks premature at 3 lbs.

ANY advice is needed. I also found out he has 3 misdeameanors and a felony. I am not sure if he or his parents have custody of his older daughter because they live to gether in my rental house.

June 10, 2013
Joe has been living at his parent’s house watching it. We have been officially broken up as of today. He wrote me and said that he has nothing to do with me ever again and to let him be.

August 7-13, 2013 (time in the hospital)
Joe has been coming to the hospital and is trying to get back "together" with me and is texting/ calling and writing me non-stop. After Kaedence was born on the 10th I got in contact with NICU and had her moved from her room. I told them the situation Joe had put Delphina, his older daughters mom into and threatened to take her, Delphina out of the hospital and to keep him on high alert.

August 10th-16 (Kaedence is in NICU)
The nurse taking care of Kaedence had told Kaylene and my mom that there are only four people allowed in the room at any given time. My mom and I both have the bracelets. She had taken her, Joe’s parents, and KK into the room. Joe slipped through the door and the lady at the station; the nurse came by and said there was only allowed four people into the room. Joe had to leave.

August 12, 2013
I was exhausted from having visitors come up to my room and exhausted from having C-section just days before. Joe’s parents Rick and Marsha came up and I turned them away. They went to my mom’s house and demanded she take them to the ICU. She did since Mom and I were the only ones with the bracelet and Marsha was walking with my mom and said, “Give me that bracelet” as she grabbed for the bracelet from my moms arm. My mom looked at her and said, “that is something you need to talk with Krysten about” and my mom looked at Joe who was smiling at his mom.
August 16 through September 15 every day Jamie Johnson would come over and witness things that Joe would do and to act as protection just in case something was to happen.

August 22, 2013
Mom mentioned that when Joe had Grace and was taking her to the living room he kind of walked in there and was side tracked like he had no idea where the crib was and she said "Joe the crib is over there" on the point to the opposite side of the room and than Marsha walked into the bathroom and was looking around at the litter box, toilet, floor, etc.. And my mom felt her tense presence and asked her, "what are you doing in here" and Marsha said she was looking for sanitizer to clean her hands...
8/24/2013
Joe brought over a gift from his aunt. She had made the baby a handmade blanket. As he was learning, mom went upstairs to put Kaedence down for her nap. Joe asked her if she needed help and if he could move in and help us out for about three weeks. Mom said that we needed no help and we were doing fine.

Jaime Johnson:
I told you they would be looking at everything. i know i saw joe kinda looking around the bathroom area, then kk walked by and he quickly came in the front room.
8/23/13 (an actual message from Krysten Coughlin to Joe Connell via Facebook)
Joy! So.... how about this: instead of you calling me all of the time asking what I need or me calling you and telling you what I need. How about you give me whatever you can a pay day or a month that I can set aside for baby. Because there will be things that she might need one night (for instance: like medicine that I might have to run to the store for -- heaven forbid hopefully not) or batteries for her thermometer or me needing gas to get her to the ER or doctor.. Whatever the case might be that I could put toward and for her. I will provide you with receipts or whatever you want/need to show you that the money I am getting is being used for her. It would be better this way and would make me feel a little more comfortable that way you guys aren't calling or I am harassing you all of the time telling you that I need this, this, and this... & do not worry because I will put out as equal or more to whatever you are giving to me a month to help out as well, so do not feel obligated or like you are spending all of this money or giving me all of this money and you see me not getting her something.. you know? I mean you saw me I stocked up on everything!!!! Minus P diapers. (laughs) but I have 5 bottles of pedi light, and the only things that I would need would be food for her in later down the road or next year but I also spent $200 on formula this morning so I have enough formula for a while because it was a smoking deal... but I wanted to let you know that also. Hope you are okay with the decision. Let me know if you aren't and let's talk about it.. Let's make it easy for the baby and well.... for us...
September 26, 2013
Earlier this morning I was running errands and paying bills. I thought it would be a good idea to take Kaedence to see her grandmother at work. I called Joe to see if his mom was at work. She was or so we thought so we decided to waste a little time and eat lunch at one of the restaurants by where she worked. It was low key and private. Joe joined and offered to buy our lunch so we said sure. We spent about two hours in the place until his mom arrived. Joe and his mom knew better and knew that they were not allowed to parade Kaedence around like she was a doll. I was not and am not allowed to take her out into public. Her being born five weeks early and preemie. I left them to look at a shop and to use the restroom at which KK acted as my guardian. Joe ignored KK when KK told him she needed to feed and change the baby.

Later that evening…..
I asked Joe if he would be willing to contribute $150 every two weeks to help support Kaedence. I explained that I have to buy her formula at $17.00+ tax a can of formula, diapers, wipes, take her to doctor appointments with a co pay of $20. He thought that $150.00 would be nice. He got mad at me and said there was no way he would pay me money and that he was going to call CPS on the following Monday and tell them that my house smells like cat pee, I have cats running all over attacking Kaedence, and that I abuse her, and that Kaylene “mothers” Kaedence, changes her diaper, feeds her, etc. And that he would see me in court because there is no way he would pay $300 a month to see her and that we would let court deal with it.
September 27, 2013
After our conversation the next morning, I wrote him saying I was sorry for asking and that I was sorry and dropped it.
September 30, 2013
Mom heard Joe and his parents came over to see Kaedence and feed her. He mumbles “we are doing a great job taking care of Kaedence” and he seemed depressed when he said it and agreed that for being a widow she is taking very well of the house and all of us are helping one another out.
October 9, 2013
Joe was gave me a ride to Les Schwab to have a front end alignment. I had no idea that he was going to buy a car so he asked for gas money (which I gave him some) and we went to Everett. He started to grope me and ask me for sexual favors. I told him no. He did it several times throughout the day knowing I was not interested. His mom in the car when we were taking her to work asked, “what kind of babysitter is KK” and I told her “KK is an awesome babysitter. She takes good care of both Kaedence and Grace. She gets Grace ready for school in the mornings, feeds her breakfast, and sends her off” I trust KK with my life. KK has MANY recommendations and has babysat for 9+ years and helps Grace who is an A+ student in Kindergarten. After that Marsha dropped the conversation.
October 11, 2013
Joe sends me a text message, “LOL. I never liked you never have never will” I wrote him back and said, “Please only write to me when it involves Kaedence. We have no reason to talk”
October 13, 2013
I mean where I thought he was going to kill kaedence him and I when I was pregnant going 90-100 on the highway and was tailgating someone interweaving in and out of traffic it was scary as heck

Alan - posted on 10/24/2013

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My advice to you would be to get a Legal custody agreement. You do not have to fight in court to obtain this. A Legal document will protect you and give you peace of mind in the future regarding your child as well as the Father's access to her. While things are going well right now, the situation could change quickly. Without Legal documents there is nothing the police could do to help. Trust me, get something in writing.

Let me remind you, he is your daughter's Father. Even though he has a past, you choose to sleep with him and he does have just as much parental right to see her as you do. You have the upper hand right now. With you caring for her on a constant basis and her living with you. Now is the time to get Legal documentation. Judges will not drastically change a young child's living arrangements unless the child is in danger. Think about the future. Think about what's best for your child. Having this in writing will prevent you having to worry so much about him abruptly taking her. Good luck.

Angela - posted on 09/30/2013

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Hi Ladies,,

I have a few questions and need some help..
So i been a single mother for almost 3.5yrs even threw my whole pregnancy my daughters father never came around. I never moved or my parents never move so he knew/knows where i lived and he could of came by but never did. I don't received any child support at all. There was one incident when she was 1yrs that he drove past my parents house and happen to see my daughter outside so he stopped to see her for about 4 minutes and she never seen him again.
My question is things are getting tough for me and i need some help i said i never wanted to go the route of getting child support but now it's becoming in option.
My other question is if i do apply for child support would he get rights?
I don't want him to just be able to show up after almost 4yrs and take her. She don't even know him or what he looks like.
He never made an effort to come around and i feel i shouldn't have to chase someone down to be a father figure in her life.
Please help me!! I don't know how any of this works.

Crystal - posted on 10/10/2012

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hello... I am a single mother, and just recently became one. my daughters father is verbally and phyically abusive and pushed my daughter down, that was the end of that, my best advice to you would be as long as he is doing good and what he is suppose to do let him see his daughter because every child needs their father and mother, i tried staying with my little girls father for the sake of her and she ended up getting hurt from it physically and emotionally. in court more then likely you will get physical custody but you two will both get joint. thats what i have right now but i am getting ready to file for full custody of my little girl because he hurt her, and he has a very bad termper also. he has been state institionalized 2 times, and one time was for trying to kill his parents so yes. unless he has a good reason that your not fit to be a mother you will get physical custody.

Liz - posted on 11/18/2011

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Chance of custody is zero with his past and if he is all you say then don't let him take her stand your ground maybe when shes a few years older he can but see what his temper is like then.

Shannon - posted on 11/18/2011

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Get it into court now! You don't want him to be the one bringing it to court. An infant will not likely be taken from the mother for any overnight periods, but if the man is no longer a drug user and is an active part of your daughter's life, he will likely get periods of visitation without you present. You do have the right to request supervised visits, but you better have documentation and proof of how you believe this man is a danger to your child right now. What he's done in his past is irrelevant if he has cleaned himself up and is not showing signs of returning to that lifestyle. The fact that you allow him to visit the baby with you will say to a court that you are not frightened of him or uncomfortable in his presence. However, DO NOT do anything ridiculous like stop him from seeing your child. That will definitely back fire.

[deleted account]

You will eventually have to get custody in place. You can resolve it outside of the court room. Mediators can resolve outside of court. My ex gave me 100% legal and physical custody however, we could not agree on child support and that had to be taken to court. If both of you come up with a mutual agreement it would be easier. I don't think you even have to pursue child support if you dont want to.

Things will change over the years your ex might get a new girlfriend and be more preoccupied you might move away or meet someone new get married there are so many things that could happen that is why its best to use the mediator to your advantage and find out what your rights are and go from there.

Catalina - posted on 11/17/2011

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Knowing about his past, I would definitely bring that up in court and go for full custody w/ him having visitation. I would not feel safe leaving my child w/ someone like that regardless. Good luck.

Amanda - posted on 11/14/2011

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His past seems a little scary but he has obviously stepped up to the plate in having an active role in your child’s life which I commend him for, and I commend you for allowing him. It seems that your communication with the father is good so my advice would be this. Your child is very young therefore I don’t see allowing overnights yet, but working up to that by allowing him to take her for a few hours here and there assuring him that you are available if he needs you for early drop off if he does get frustrated giving him an out. If he does well with her, increase the time and frequency (plus this will give you a, I’m sure, much needed break). I would put rules on the visitation such as: if he’s planning on hanging out with people that use or have drugs on them or if he is using or has any on him then do not allow him to see her, it would be negligence on your part if you did, and hold the same standards for yourself and anyone else. My suggestion on whether to file for child support or not would be this: If he is continuing to help out financially then there is no reason to file for a support order, however, if he stops helping out FILE, but be reasonable with what you are asking for. My suggestion about a visitation order would be this; with the communication between you and him being in good standing I’m sure the two of you can come up with a parenting plan that you both agree on by yourselves, this will save A LOT of time and money. I know his past is scary but maybe this child was a wake-up call for him, it sure seems like it. Also keep in mind that just because he didn’t treat you right doesn’t mean he won’t treat your daughter right. I hope this helps and God Bless all three of you.

Cindy - posted on 11/08/2011

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By the way I also started a new relationship when my eldest son's father stopped contact. He has been a fantastic father to both of my son's. It's made me believe that some men do actually understand what being a father is about.

Cindy - posted on 11/08/2011

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My eldest sons father and I spilt up not long after I found out I was pregnant, because he was abusive, it continued even after he knew I was carrying his child. I didn't want a child to be born into that. I didn't see him during the rest of my pregnancy apart from when he attended scans. After our son was born I got in touch with him and he called round when our son was a week old. I left the door open to him so he could call round pretty much when he wanted and he called round regularly to see our son until he was four months old. During that time he tried to talk me into giving us another go. I didn't get back with him for many reasons. Over the four months he brought gifts for our son and gave me cash each week. Then he decided he wanted to have our son at weekends. I told him that 4 months was too young for him to be away from his mother and he flipped. I explained to him that I couldn't trust him for several reasons, he would often turn up drunk and didn't take care of our son when he visited. I told him that if he could take care of our son by himself when he visited us, while I washed up or did some cleaning then I would reconsider. Then he just stopped seeing our son, altogether. He was always after everything or nothing as far as I'm concerned. I found out later that he had lost his driving licence for drink driving at the time he stopped visiting then met someone else and very quickly had a baby on the way. So whilst in a new relationship he decided to contact a solicitor and go for contact with our son, even though I had never told him he couldn't see our son, he wanted unsupervised contact of more that a couple of hours. We went to see a mediator who arranged contact in a contact centre as I said it needed to be supervised. That was when our son was one years old. I gave birth to my second son on the day we were due to go to the contact centre. My second son was born a month premature which I put down to the emotional stress of meeting my ex, his father. The meeting was never rearranged and my son's father never chased it up. The mediator tried contacting him via post and phone but didn't get a response. I gave my son's father our address and my telephone number when we went to see a mediator but he hasn't been in contact in three years. The fact that he had a criminal record went against him when it came to having unsupervised contact. Losing his driving licence due to drink driving was the real clanger.

Kat - posted on 11/07/2011

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Amy, there is so much great advice here from all these ladies! I dont even know what to add! One thing i do wanna highlight is that it is NOT your job to make sure he gets credit for any gifts or money he has given. HE should be asking you for receipts. And let me tell you, even IF he has proof (in whatever form) that he has been supportive, the judge does NOT necessarily take that into account. I have had friends tell me that happened to them or their ex's when they went to court. YOUR JOB is to protect your lil girl! Right now you can leave the state if you want and there aint a darn thing he can do about it. And MAYBE you dont have official custody orders, but IF he were to "take" her, he could be charged with kidnapping. DOnt think it cant happen. Because she has primarily been with you. I am in a similar situation and left my daughter's father when she was 2.5 months (10 weeks) old. He had no idea where i went. I did bring her to see him like 2-3 times a month. He never gave me a dime. I didnt start getting child support til she was 5yrs old (i filed 2weeks after i left him). So nothing is really black or white. There is a LOT of gray when the parents were never married. He pushed me twice after i had her and both times she was in my arms. When i filed for child support they asked that question and so i told them yes and the situation and they are bound to not release YOUR information to him. Just be VERY careful and worry more about you and HER and less about him getting credit for what he has done. Even if YOU tell the judge he is telling the truth the judge may say SO WHAT. It sucks but it does happen. Please be safe and remember you have the power right now. The power to protect her. Please keep us posted here and let us know how you and your princess are. BTW i havent had any contact with mine in over 2years. He has no idea where we are. NO i didnt run i lost my job and subsequently my cell phone and had to move. HE was not my priority and my daughter being 8 now has no desire to see or call him. I DO ask her. ONe day she will. but for now she is safe and happy. He drinks heavily and drives. He drinks on his way to work and home and anytime he is going out. He also has at least TWO firearms that i have SEEN with my own eyes. SO i am taking my own advice and totally understand your situation.

Carlie - posted on 11/02/2011

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Well dear. He may be able to get joint custody. That's pretty much what you and he are doing now, but without a court ordering it. Check it out: You allow him to visit, albeit supervised, the daughter you and he have together. You have allowed him to have his last name on the birth certificate, therefore naming your daughter, his daughter as well. You allow him to buy things for her. You allow him to give you money. Money that can be translated into child support, which in essence, it is. HE is got it going on, and he knows it. IN ADDITION, he no longer has an addictive personality or abuses drugs and/or alcohol? A judge would consider his past addictions, but would also consider his successful rehab to date, as a GOOD thing. You see? He has all "his ducks lined up." He could very possibly and easily get joint custody, because you are in fact, currently allowing it. Not such a bad thing though. I can imagine why you choose to do so. But I also understand, as a mother, why you want full custody as well. If you want full custody, you WILL have to go to court. I would do it before he does, as it certainly looks favorably upon you to do it FIRST. In the meantime, I would continue to do as you have been doing, EXCEPT: 1. I would write a letter/contract describing that he has been active in his daughter's life to date. Meaning, that because of his past addictions, you are NOT preventing him from interaction with the daughter you and he share, instead you encourage it, albeit in the form of supervised visitation. Also, I would mention on the letter that you have received money from him to help with the cost of raising your daughter, but you were not sure at the time if it was for the purpose or not, as you do not have wriitten verification of it. However, from this moment on (date of the letter), you wish to recognize that any and all money and gifts received from him, be used to help you financially in regards to your daughter. You should request a copy of anything he gives you. If he normally pays you in cash, then it's time to buy a receipt book dear. State on the letter, that any money or GIFT will be given a receipt signed by him (and dated). VERY IMPORTANT that you also include on the letter your wish to retain full custody, should you actually wish to, because and especially, his criminal past. If you feel his past would be detrimental to your child's emotional well-being, then put it on there.



You may think this letter would incite him to seek custody. No dice dear. He already wants to. And he will soon if he keeps asking.



NOTARIZE NOTARIZE NOTARIZE this letter. Bring someone with you as a witness. The notarizer is a witness as well, but I would bring an addtional person. You can ask him to be there, but I doubt he will agree. I am not a lawyer or a judge, but I can almost guarantee, that either one would give him joint custody, because you have already allowed him to do so. Wrap your mind around that as a possibility, and good luck with eveything. :)

User - posted on 07/25/2011

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Hi. I would say to first of all, put everything in writing. from child support to custody. With his bad temper and history of substance abuse this is the best route to go, btu it would keep him in check. + if he requests custody there is always supervised visits.

Tiffany - posted on 07/25/2011

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I don'tknow how it works in all states but here if there is no court ordered custody agreement then which ever parent has the child in their hands has the custody. So if he takes her, he does not have to give your baby back..Ever heard of the phrase posession is 9/10ths of the law? Well sadly it works that way with kids too. Be careful and just for saftey sake file now.

Paige - posted on 07/16/2011

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I am in a similar situation to you , although my ex partner has not been arrested or charged for drugs, they are very much a prominent part in his life, and the reason we broke up. The law here in New Zealand votes in my favor to start with purely because I am exclusive demand breast feeding and as long as you are a stable mother with no reason for the court to be concerned for the safety of you child, the child will stay with you at LEAST until you are no longer breast feeding. Also, because he takes drugs, you are legally entitled to request a hair follicle drug test and if it comes back positive, he will be denied custody, and if he gets visitation rights at all, they will be supervised closely - either by you, or an organization such as Bernados. I am currently in the middle of applying for parenting orders and such, and am very nervous as to how they will turn out. You should definitely check what your locally law states in terms of custody etc, but I am quite sure as long as you are a fit parent (which I am sure you are) in a stable environment, you have nothing to worry about.

Nicole - posted on 07/16/2011

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First of all your daughter is 5 weeks old. No one should really be handling her right now but you. She is too young and has not gotten her first set of immunization. Second of all if he is not stable then absolutely not should he take her. Where and who wants to see her that they can't come to you. If you feel any type of treat then my advise is to go to family court and let them advocate for you and your baby. Third no court is going to give a felon and drug addict a child unless he can prove he is stable. As long as your doing your part and not neglecting your child there is nothing he can do. They will make him pay child support through the system. You will be okay, it is hard in the beginning being a single parent. But there are a lot of us out her in the world. Try buddy up with someone who has a similar situation as you and that way you and her will be able to support each other emotionally and verbally by encouraging each other. Pray to God and ask for strength and guidance. He will help you!

Bev - posted on 07/16/2011

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the baby is too young to be given away, I'm sure you are still going through the bonding process and trying to get into some kind of routine, you say he's happpy to come round and is supportive, maybe suggest short outings, with you all together? If it ever had to go to court, he would eventually would most likely get rights to visit, but it would still be down to yourself what would be agreeable.

Janelle - posted on 05/24/2011

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he can file for custody but the courts dont usually remove the child from your care unless he can prove that you abuse the child or use drugs or abuse alcohol. Plus he has a criminal past and even though he is ok now you never know, and the baby is still too small I would wait till she is older just to be on the safe side

Brittany - posted on 10/04/2009

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Don't give him your baby because the police will not make him give her back to you...my friend went through this with her ex and they had a custody order in place...you should file custody paperwork since you are worried about the situation. you have to protect yourself and her you know? Because you just never know what he is capable of and he sounds really unstable. If you don't trust him to take her that's for a reason. Women's intuition and a mother's intuition never lie...Do what you think is right.. and if that means not letting him take her then that's what's best...GOOD LUCK!! You and your baby be safe okay??

Kristie - posted on 10/04/2009

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I feel for you. I to was in an abusive relationship. It does not matter if it is physical, emotional or sexually abusive. It is all abusive and hurts. I did take my ex to court. I got custody of my daugher. I was lucky though I had him charged with domestic Violence so I had that going for me in court. My advice is to document everything incase you need it if you do go to court. I highly recommend getting a parenting plan in order. this way he can not manipulate you in the futer. everything will be set in stone. you do not have to got to court to get a parenting plan. you can get a medeator. I would look into it. It takes alot of stress off when there is a plan. Good luck my heart is with you.

Dorith - posted on 10/04/2009

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you sould apply for custody as you do not know what tomorrow will bring.You have high chances of getting custody but might want to have him see his child 2 days a week for both of them.one draw back:are you ready to start working? If you can be in good terms with him you can do all this amicably .If you can get him to agree you will be able to avoid seeing a lawyer..you want child support and support for yourself.As well, different government agency help single mothers financially . Go see services canada and ask these questions they will direct you as to where to apply.Finally, you might consider him going thru therapy with or without you and help his problem .It can work if he wants it...Good luck

[deleted account]

As far as custody goes I seriously doubt they will give him custody, he might have visistation rights and you can ask for supervised visitation because of his past behavior. But you also need to document all the things he has done and continues to do so that you will have proof of his temper. I know he has a past far as drugs but you need your own proof as well. The one things I will say is DO NOT let him take your child....I wouldn't if I was you. And depending on the state you live in I don't think he will be able to keep the child over night at this young age. I wish you the best.

Anna - posted on 10/03/2009

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I would suggest getting custody issues resolved early while things are still civil between you two. I was in a similiar situation and I waited too long. By the time we went in to court, it was heated and nasty. I wish I would've taken care of it IMMEDIATELY! You are absolutely in control right now and NO court will send that child with him so young (especially with a bad past). But do give him credit for doing the right thing. For right now, without any court orders, you DO NOT have to send the baby with him whatsoever. And I wouldn't. Take care of the custody. Use your own judgement on the child support, you can always go after that later (and they will order back pay if necessary). If he is pitching in, you might want to wait.

Megan - posted on 10/03/2009

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First and most important is to keep a good head about this whole situation...believe it or not you're in control here...You can go to the library and do some research on child support and custody laws for your particular state....this will help...just because a court establishes that he has to pay you money every month does not mean he has to have ANY visitation...Re-read that...he has a history that's crystal clear it's not just some issues you've made up...he's served jail time and has a know drug problem...that will work in your favor...You do not have to agree to any conditions you're not comfortable with...You do not have to leave your daughter in his care if you don't feel that's a safe place for her...and with that being said you financially do NOT have to do this on your own...Keep ur head up and stay cool...You are the driver behind the wheel in this scenario...Best of luck hun...It gets better and your doing the right thing for your daughter

Leigh - posted on 10/03/2009

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I know that where I am...The law states that if there is NO binding legal agreement, then he is more than able to take your child out and never return her. After all she is Half his. Then it would be up to you to prove that you are the better person for her to live with. As for child support...Start getting it now!!! if he agrees to pay what he is paying now, then what is the big deal, if it just becomes legal? When or if you file for custody, you might want to state primary residence with you, along with full or joint custody. may this helps you a little bit. sorry about the situation. It must be really hard on you, but you sound like a strong woman, i;m sure you will come out of this even stronger!

Shelley - posted on 10/03/2009

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my sons father was paying me weekly to but then he started screwing up so I took him to court best thing I did comes write out of his check now, I also to him for custody cause you never know what will happen in the future it is always good to be safe but you will have to sit with someone and disguss visitation.

Beth - posted on 10/03/2009

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Be careful about the "he has no right" business until you are absolutely certain that's the case in your state. In many states the father has as much right to the child as the mother does.

Beth - posted on 10/03/2009

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Don't let him take your daughter without supervision of someone YOU trust. How long has he been clean? Peopole CAN change, often don't, but sometimes do, especially when they become parents.

Debbie - posted on 10/03/2009

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Quoting Amy:

The main thing is to get legal documents drawn up saying when his visitation is and how much he's going to pay you in childsupport a SET amount. Then get a judge to sign it. If you let her go with him without legal documentation he can keep her until something has gone through the court system she IS just as much his as she is yours and thats how the law will look at it..... goodluck and I hope you take this advise it is correct in every way!


Amy also if she fears for her child and her self when he is in one of those moods  she should get it set up to supervised only visitation.  But for her safety think highly about getting everything in writing don't just assume that he will be responsible and actually pay for the support most men it has to be forced on them.  She is only 5  weeks old the newness is still there once that wears off he might just quit paying or coming around.

Debbie - posted on 10/03/2009

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Criminal Record can keep him from getting custody I am going through this right now with my daughter's father. Get the child support ordered by a court he can't not pay it that way it will be in an court order. If you were not married he has no legal right, just the right to pay support.He can try what ever he wants but it is not going to change a judges mind. Also you are not obligated for him to even have visitation. if he was abusive to you tell him you want supervised visitation. I had to do that my daughter's father also and because he now lives out of state he won't make that monthly trip to see her. but I know that my circumstance is different than yours he also has neglect charges on him. but he Has 4 felonies. With all addicts there is a chance of relapse. I found that one out but than again i don't think he ever quit. selling or using.

[deleted account]

I'm not sure where you live, but most states are funny about letting the father have custody, visitation yes, but not custody. If he has a criminal background....get the proof and take it to court! It will matter! If you guys have never been married, he shouldn't have any legal rights to the child...at least it is that way iin Ohio. I pray for you, it is soooo scary to let your baby go with someone you can't trust. Def recomend supervised visits!!!!

Lori - posted on 10/03/2009

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I have learned the hard way to never say never....please make sure for you and your baby sake that you establish legal custody. I found myself in a two year battle for my girls, all the while he had child support enforcement blocked by having his lawyer write them a letter stating he was fighting for custody....so he spoiled my kids when they were with him and paid me nothing for their support....drug his feet filing paperwork through the courts and eventually won in court the custody of kids even though he was a non involved Dad. He worked the system to hurt me the only way he knew how....he didn't really want to be a single parent he just wanted to rip my heart out by taking my kids. I supported the kids on my own for almost two years and had my lawyer back out on me two weeks before the court case....he won and within one week they were taking child support from me!

It took me two years (the rule in ND) to be able to take this case back to court and win my kids back....just to have the courts still take child support payments (for arrears) out of my paycheck and send them to him, while he doge being served child support papers and was skirting the issue of paying support himself. I then was sole support for my kids again and was basically forced to relocate to be able to provide for them. It took him almost three years to get his act together and start paying on a regular basis. I still provide all of the insurance and am required to pay everything it does not cover....he still gets a break from the courts as all he is required to pay for is his support payment.

Be strong and quit thinking you need to be nice. There would be no legal system if everyone did the right thing all the time. If he gets upset over this he will eventually get over it. Protect yourself and your children first! And never be sorry for that!

Rosetta - posted on 10/02/2009

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Quoting Brittany:

I can honestly say i have been in the same situation & i currently still am. i CAN ASSURE YOU THE CHANCES ARE VERY LOW WITH HIM GAINING CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD. ESPECIALLY DUE TO HIS CRIMINAL BACKGROUND. I WAS SCARED TO PUT MINE ON CHILD SUPPORT FOR FEAR HE WOULD TAKE ME TO COURT FOR JOINT CUSTODY. HE THREATENED ME HE WOULD & IT SEEMED SO REAL. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOUR EX WILL BE TOOO TIRED OR TOO BROKE TO EVEN AFFORD A LAWYER & START THE CASE OR EVEN WANT TO BE BOTHERED. TAKE IT FROM ME I KNOW. MY DAUGHTER IS ALMOST 4 & HE STILL HASN'T FOLLOWED THROUGH ON HIS THREATS & NOW HE'S BACK IN JAIL FOR DRUGS AGAIN...LOL

YOU CAN ALSO BRING PROOF TO COURT WHEN YOU FILE FOR CHILD SUPPORT OF HIS CRIMINAL RECORDS. ITS LIKE $30 BUT ITS WORTH EVERY PENNY!! GO TO Intellius.com or UsSearch.com enter in his info pay & there you go...legal documents!!! GOOD LUCK! ANY OTHER QUESTIONS MESSAGE ME!


RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

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