Sole Custody - no non-cusodial visitations, feedback on the odds please?

Whit - posted on 12/13/2012

My childrens father is a registered sex offender for stagetory rape, he has been in and out of prison for it, he has attempted burglery on his record. July of 2011 he physicaly assaulted me for leaving him, he was holding our 3 yr old (at the time) daughter while he assaulted me and our 1 year old son was in his bed sleeping. He was charged with domestic abuse causing bodily harm and child endangerment. a couple days after the assault he was charged with Operating While Intoxicated and driving with a susbended license. When he was sentenced to prison for the abuse and child endangerment they ran his OWI in with the sentence. He was getting psych evaluations done to try and hlep him get out of going to prison. Depatment of Human services have put him on the child abuse registery, he would not cooperate with them over the domestic abuse to try and prove he would be a safe father for my children to be around. I have papers stating that they do not recremend him having my children unsupervised because he is a threat, however they did not state that he can not have them and so he still can. He was sent to prison feb 6 2012 and will be release around the end of jan 2013 beginning feb 2013. My son does not know him at all, my son believes my current boyfriend that i am now having a baby with is his father, and my daughter still kind of remembers her father but calls my boyfriend daddy as well. I did not force this on them in anyway they started calling him daddy. My boyfriend now wants to eventually adopt my children. He works hard and is a good man and role modle. I have no criminal record what so ever, I am a college student going for Nursing. My childrens father would only come around when he felt the need. He is currently engaged to a 19 yr old grl who has been in and out of rehab for a drinking problem and is crazy. He has had a problem with drugs, however he has not been charged with any drug charges so i can not prove that in court. He lives with his mother when he is not in prison. He is behind on childsupport by alot i dont know the exact number but around 4500 dollars. I have paid a lawyer, he had been trying to find a guardian thing for my childrens father so we could get trial over before he was released but my lawyer has been unable to find one. ( since i was trying to go to trial while my childrens father was locked up i had to pay for a guardian for him to make sure his rights were not violated since he wouldnt have been able to make it to the trial.) His mothers house is disgusting any time i have ever been there, they dont clean and its unsafe for children, DHS would agree if they checked it out. Again that is where my childrens father lives when he is not in prison. Anyway we are going to trial when he gets out of prison since he will be out in about 1 and half months. i know my chances are good but i am still worried. What do you all think, will i wont i be able to get sole legal and physical custody with no visitation on his end? that is what i want no visitation but if the judge requires it supervised visits on his end but i just want him out of our lives he is not good for them. Also he has another son that he willingly terminated his rights to. after the domestic issue. I have tried to see if he would terminate rights to my kids but he says he wont.

Yolanda - posted on 05/21/2010

Find a lawyer who can help you. Yes, you can petition for sole custody. I have sole custody of my sons, mainly because I didn't want to have to look for him for signatures or permission when I needed something for them (medical, school, etc). You said you're afraid he'll take them to Mexico...so I guess that's where he's from? is he a resident of the US or a citizen? if he's a resident, the fact that he's been in prison may mean that he can be deported. As for the child support, he has to provide for them no matter what. But you know what? if he won't, you can make it on your own. It's better for your kids to live in a safe, loving peaceful environment with little material things than to have them see his abusive behavior. The state will make him provide child support. Don' t let him make you afraid. Ask for a restraining order on him, and ask the family court that he have only supervised visitations with the kids. Be factual when you make your petition. Family courts are not very supporting of abusive parents. Carrie Needham gave you good advice: keep a journal. Write down everything. Try to keep conversations with him to a minimum, deal with him as a business matter and keep the personal out of it. If he begins to get offensive, hang up on him and jot down in the journal the date, time and the conversation. Good luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Connie - posted on 05/21/2010

I am kinda going threw the same thing. My ex husband (daughters father) is in prison for child pronography and statuatory rape and I fear the same thing with her when he gets out. I have talked to my Attorney I deal with regarding my daughters disability and she said if you can hire an investigator to open up his criminal records then go down to the Friend of the Courts (Child Custody) present to them the criminal records and they may be able to terminate his parental rights.
What state are you in? I will see if I have the investigators information but he is in Michigan. He may be able to refer you to someone else.
Connie

Liz - posted on 05/21/2010

Firstly - GET A LAWYER! In NY if you cant afford one, you can go through Legal Aid services, and they'll appoint you one. That's what I've been doing because I can no longer afford to pay the lawyer I had before. Its kind of a pain but its better then not having a lawyer. And with these types of cases, it helps A LOT.



As for the visitation I would definitely push for supervised visitation on the basis of his background. I'm sure that any judge/law guardian will see that that would be the best option for your children.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/20/2010

My case isn't as extreme as yours, and my ex has supervised visitation. My best advice is to get a lawyer. They know exactly how to say what you want to make the courts listen. Good luck!!

Debi - posted on 05/20/2010

You have a very strong basis for only allowing supervised visits, at the most. I would fight for none until he can prove that he has begun cleaning up his act, although the court may still grant supervised. Just be sure u really advocate for you and your children and dont let the court system railroad you.

Shemiah - posted on 05/20/2010

I live in the state of California, I think they are very very very good about doing what's in the best interests of the children. At least thats what I hear. I want to ask for supervised visits... he lives in CO . We did separate for the last time in 2/09. He's been in jail 2 times since then.

Debi - posted on 05/19/2010

I do not know what state you are in, but I work for Children and Family Services in NY. First of all, you definitely need to have a lawyer, and if you don't have one / cannot afford one, I am quite sure that every state has some type of legal aid, where you can get a lawyer at no cost, or a court appointed one. Another option is to check with local universities, sometimes they have law students who are finishing up or may have just finished school, waiting to take the bar, etc... that will do pro bono work. You must must must file for legal and sole custody, because if there is no legal custody established, he has as much right to take them as you do, regardless if they live with you or not. Secondly, since he has a history of violence, you should have no trouble getting a restraining order that would prevent him from showing up and taking the children. Due to the fact that he has substance abuse issues, you could make it a condition of any visitation agreement that he needs to complete rehab, also dv counseling, as he has a history of violence. Part of what my job entails, is supervising visitation with parents who have lost custody of their children and are working to get them back, or with non-custodial parents who for a variety of reasons cannot have their children with them unsupervised. I don't want you to be discouraged, because it sounds like you have a very strong case to limit his rights, but I also want you to be prepared, because in most cases, unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances, parents are granted at the very least, supervised visitation. You should push for this in the event that you do go into court and he is granted visitation rights, and it should be someone that the court appoints, or that works for children's services, a professional that can attest to his ability to parent effectively and safely, to make sure that his interactions with the children are appropriate. In most cases, a parent will at least be granted supervised visits, until someone can testify that it is really not in the best interest of the children. You stated that it was a violent relationship that you and the children are still recovering from...are they in therapy? Because a therapist is the perfect person to go to court and say that it would be detrimental to a child's emotional well-being to spend time with a parent that they have seen being violent, etc...The other thing you have in your favor is that he has an outstanding warrant. You don't have to allow your children to see him without a court order to that effect, and if he takes you to court, they can arrest him on the warrant. I know these situations are difficult and frustrating, but don't give up ever on fighting for what you honestly believe is best for your children, because as their mother, you know better than anyone!! I hope this helps

Carrie - posted on 05/19/2010

WOW! He has te odds against him. I am not too sure where you are at, but here in AZ, my ex has a history of drugs, alchol abuse, and even domestic violence. Yet, here they prefer for both parents to be involved and try everything they can to ensure that. My current case that is pending, if the judge says yes will be, he still gets visitation, but they are supervised, even though I am going for sole custody. Unless you can prove physical abuse to the child, the courts here will pretty much always ensure visitation rights, even with a bad history. Or unless the other parent is a child sex offender. I know it's hard, but you have to keep your cool. What I have done that has helped in my court cases and has cut down the visitation and ensured they will be supervised, is I have kept a journal. Anything pertaining to him and our child. Even things as small as he did not show up for his visitation, or did not call when when he was scheduled too. I even wrote items such as the difference in my child after she had visited him or even after a phone call. I even wrote down that he sold a truck and still gave no support to his child. My judge was very interested in reading my journal. So that also helps you to remember certain items and instances to help plead your case. Keep your head up. I know it's hard.

Deanna - posted on 05/19/2010

Well, the fact that he just got out of jail and there is a warrant out for his arrest does not bode well for him. I cannot imagine any judge could offer him visitation without supervision. Do you currently have sole custody through the courts or is there no custody? Is he on the birth certificate? Has he ever taken responsibility for the boys?



I would definitely petition for sole custody if you do not have it. Also, if possible get a lawyer. You need assistance to make sure things are done right. The sad thing is some judges are crap. I have a bitter divorced dad as mine and while he has to some extent ruled in my favor, he does it with a chip on his shoulder and never actual tells my daughter's father that he was wrong for anything he did (like not feeding her or driving away with the door open on her side of the car with me falling out).



Has he ever had visitation with the boys before? If the boys do not have any relationship with him, that should factor in. He would need to start out with limited visitation to make it comfortable for the boys. Make sure you document. His criminal record is known, so that's obviously a factor.



As for child support, you have every right to file. It is his responsibility to provide financially. And if he quits his job and works under the table, I know in NJ if he becomes to far in arrears, a warrant is issued and he is arrested. So he will get in trouble regardless.



Good luck and be strong. Do not let him scare you. Do what is best for your boys.