Someone please help

Kate - posted on 08/25/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have just turned 40, and have been seperated for 7 years. My ex and I were married for 10 years and had 4 children together, the youngest of whom was born with 26 abnormalities and has to date had 40 operations and 70 admittances to a specialist childrens hospital at the other end of the country.

The children are now 14, 12, 11 and 8.

The 11 year old is a child genius so has needs at the other end of the scale, which I feel guilty about because I dont have time to nuture her talent.

The 14 year old was the sweetest wee boy you would ever meet but has started to go wayward which has broken my heart. I have recently changed his school and hav had to pay uniform, books, fees and now a $35 a week bus fare.

The 12 year old loves sports and being with his dad, who is absolutley useless. He used to have them most weekends but all theyd do is watch tv, very rarely going anywhere and coming home unbathed with all their washing.

He has never contributed to any of the childrens expenses, including my numerous trips to hospital, without my parents I would never have coped, considering he has never once even taken a day off to care for them whilst we have been away.

Recently he decided to accept a job transfer 2 hours away. This means with the kids regular sports, activities and social events he rarely has 4 of them even for 1 night. If he does, they have to travel 2 hrs there and back just to watch tv. He now has a girlfriend who has 2 children and is now the centre of his life. I am not jealous at all, I left him and would never go back, I am just so sad for the children, who deserve so much better than an exhausted mum who barely has enough money to feed them.

I pay $300 rent, $250 food, $80 petrol (going into hospital twice a week and running kids everywhere), $50 phone, $60 power, $35 bus, all school stationary, camp fees, school fees, uniforms, trips, drs appts $40 a week, clothing etc. This leaves us -$80 per week.

He moves cows so has free rent, through his work a fully maintained vehicle including petrol and phone account. I guess his only expense is power and food for 1, although the kids (in their 24 hr period with him have told me they get her groceries as well). All of his furniture including full dvd library, plasma tv is brand spanking new.

I have all our old furniture which I have never been able to afford to update, and as my car has recently broken down, my parents have had to help me finance another vehicle. He also has a 4 wheel drive ute of his own.

Unsurprisingly, I have just been diagnosed with a severe depressive episode, and an underactive thyroid. When he comes to pick the kids up he is obviously relaxed, well rested and meets a hagged wreck - still no compassion or care for the kids well being.

Where do I legally stand when he pays his $245 a week mainteneance? That dopen't even cover my rent in this tiny 2 1/2 bedroom house. I feel like giving up, but the kids keep me going. My GP recentlky sent me to a psychologist who in her report said I was depleted and without help would only continue to deteriorate.

Please can someone offer any suggestions, I am so exhausted I can hardly think straight.

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4 Comments

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Kimberly - posted on 08/26/2010

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If you're not working, I would suggest speaking to someone about assistance. I believe that the government does offer health care to those receiving assistance. You could also look into low income housing and food stamps and such.

Roxanne - posted on 08/26/2010

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hi,
I read your story and I see me. I am a single mum of 3. My oldest has chronical illness that causes him to be in the hospital frequently. there is no cure for his disease so it is something he has to live with which causes him pain and does affect him in his daily life. We have to deal with school and have to make dr appointment frequently. It is hard to do all this and it is hard for him to understand why him. I have another son and a little girl. my other son is on the other spectrum..gifted..same as you and just like you and i don't know what i would do without my parents.. i have just recently returned back to college to get my bachelors in nursing because i know that i have to show them that they must continue their education no matter what(my youngest wants to go to an Ivy league school) and I know that my calling is being in the medical field. their are days when I am beyond tired mentally,emotinally and physically but I know that there is no choice i have to push on. in times like that i go with whatever emotions i am feeling for that moment and then i get on. just like you i too have depressionally issue but at times like that i try my best to draw from my spiritual strength. in our house it's either a feast or famine..my ex's do not assist AT ALL. Seek help from the courts..i am not sure where you live but ask your son's dr's they may be able to send you to a support group that deal with the same type of illness your son has. have your ex come to you to pick up.. when dealing with him keep a log..of everything. God bless and will keep you in my prayers

Renata - posted on 08/26/2010

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hi
what he pays u in maintenance is based on his income and expenditure ( did u get it via court orders - you should if not done so far)
one thing i dont get is why do the kids travel to see him?? if he wants to see the kids he should travel he is the one who moved - if you go to courts to get access customized any court will agree that since he moved he should travel back to visit kids you may let them go over once every so often to make things a bit even ... should you not be getting some gov. help for all the med expenses and other expenses to help you out... again if you still haven't dealt with your ex via courts i would suggest so as it looks like you should be getting a bit more to reflect the kids needs...
don't give up though something will turn out and hopefully things change fro the better

Rachael - posted on 08/26/2010

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well hun i'm proud you're hanging in there. financially i could not say but is there a way you can get child support? since he does have income it would help. do you work?

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