Staying the night with Daddy?

Kristen - posted on 12/30/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 2 months old. Her father left me when I was 6 months pregnant. He is in her life, and a very good father. BUT he has made very poor decisions in the past, and I do not feel comfortable with her staying over night with him. He has an apartment with 3 other guys, two, which are brothers. They are all about having numerous girls over, partying, and drinking. I KNOW that he would NEVER have such activities like that while she is on his care. and he keeps nagging me about not letting her stay over night. I really don't have a good reason for him, except that I am not ready, and not completely comfortable with her staying the night. She does go over there during the day a few times a week though. And he looks at it like its no different from her coming over all day. I need advice on what to do. Help? Please & thank you.

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Deb - posted on 02/27/2010

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I am in a similiar situation...my daughter is now 13 months old, but she was 9 weeks premmature. I tried the "open door" policy. He lives 5 mintues down the road, I told him he knew her bedtime routine and could come over anytime to participate in. It has worked out well. jeanie still sleeps in her bed, her routine is not interruppted, and she enjoys her "special" nights when daddy comes over.

Heather - posted on 12/30/2009

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I've told my son's father, mind you we are pretty good friends at this point, that if he wants him to stay the night I'm sleeping on the couch at his house. It's put my mind at ease knowing I'm there, because this is his first kid and I want to make sure for my sake I know he's getting the attention he needs, and that he is doing everything safely.

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Andrea - posted on 02/28/2010

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Hun, 2 months is way to young for a child to be away from its mother.
And until you are comfortable with the idea, let alone the possibility, stand your ground and say no.

Julie - posted on 02/27/2010

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I say he should of thought about that before leaving you while you were carrying his child. Plus you should wait until you feel more comfortable about it. You have every right to say "No". Plus if that sort of stuff is going on, I wouldn't be surprised if his friend's are drinking and smoking and (smoking something else) while they are there. So Yea.. I would just wait until you feel better about it. Plus your baby is only 2 months old. Is he gonna get up in the middle of the night to tend to her? Or is he just gonna roll over go back to sleep? You never know. Because you are the one that has had to do these things and deal with it for 2 months now. I presume he hasn't.. So anyways.. tell him to lay off.. and when you feel better about it... then go ahead =)

Kailin - posted on 02/26/2010

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Im sorta in the same boat.. my daughter is 2mnths old and i left her father wen i fell pregnant.. cept i do not trust him and do not allow overnight stays,, at such a young age it will only interfere with their lil routines which is vital in how they develope .. im sure ur baby has a bed time routine in her own cot at night? do u want to change that at such a young age? shes only just gottin into that routine and to stuff around would be unfair to her.. i think anyway.. - but also i am biased cuz i dispise ov my babys father..

Evelyn - posted on 02/26/2010

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I understand that this is an old post and everyone who replied pretty much had the same advice give or take a few misinformed individuals. I'm a mother of three two are 28 and 25 my youngest is 12. As it is I will not let my child go with his dad on a day visit let alone overnight not only because I do not feel comfortable with the idea but mostly because my son does not want to go visit his dad at his new place especially because he's involved with another woman and my son does not want to meet her. My son is autistic and is set in his ways everything must be very structured for him and she does not fit into his world. If my son were an infant I would not let him go with his dad unless I knew that his dad had a place of his own and knew how to take care of a child. As it is you are right to be concerned for your childs well being and if you feel uncomfortable letting him have your baby girl overnight than you should follow your instincts because they are more than likely right when a woman feels uncomfortable about something we most assuredly must go with that feeling. Don't let him intimidate you it doesn't matter how good a dad he may be if he were so great he would not have abandoned you in the first place. He needs to find a place of his own were you would feel more comfortable possibly leaving your child with him when she is old enough to communicate and let you know how her day was. The world we live in today is a very scary place and we have to take every precaution to protect our children sometimes even from people we know and love. It's not to say that your ex can't be trusted that would be for you to judge but when it comes to a child especially a girl we must really consider everything. Maybe if you told him that you are willing to let him stay the night on your couch until you adjust to the idea of your child spending more time with him but not over night away from you unless he is spending the night in your home or maybe at his parents home this way you know his mom is there and she might help.

Sakinah - posted on 02/26/2010

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i have a 8 month old lil boy and i split with his dad when i was around 5 months preg. he has a 4yr for another relationship and is a brill dad to both his boys. but i was always worried about lettin my lil one go over there. i used to let his dad have him at my place over night so i could get a break or go out for the evening every so often just to see how he was, knowing when i get bak he would be here and i could check up on then. then i started lettin him take the lil one to his for the day once a week after he turned 6 months slowly it turned into one night a week at his and atm is working out fine until his new girl puts a feet out of line. but i found it really hard to let him go for the first time and was ringing every five mins.. still to this day i sometimes find it hard but i think he has the right to see his daddy so i let him go. you are always going to worry as she is your little girl and thats what mothers do its just normal. but let him know anything that happens is on ur terms.
hope this was helpful

Robyn - posted on 02/25/2010

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Heather Day:

"I've told my son's father, mind you we are pretty good friends at this point, that if he wants him to stay the night I'm sleeping on the couch at his house. It's put my mind at ease knowing I'm there, because this is his first kid and I want to make sure for my sake I know he's getting the attention he needs, and that he is doing everything safely."



^^this idea seems reasonable as she gets a little older, but i think if he is serious about wanting more parenting time at his place then he should get his own place or a roommate who is not into the whole party scene since safety needs to be prioritized, and when more people are thrown in the mix, more risks come up- i would even do background checks on the others before allowing an infant to be alone in their home for visitation or overnights or whatever, i think this is often standard.. anyways good luck, though just realizing this is an older post- let us know what happened? and yeah, if there is a spare room or couch (i'm envisioning a cramped dirty college-boy party house lol but maybe not) then you should insist on staying too in case you are needed and for your peace of mind, and i also agree waiting until at least 6-12 mos is reasonable w/ you there/close-by, and preschool age (2-4 yr, depending on child) seems more reasonable for an actual sleepover without mama. best of luck, hope it is working out!

Robyn - posted on 02/25/2010

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WOW- at that age, and with that housing situation, your past with this man, etc. there is no way that is an appropriate request at this point, and I don't think it would benefit anyone. Maybe offer to do an overnight trip somewhere, shared hotel room w/ separate beds? (not sure how comfortable that is between you two) when your babe is a little older.. but honestly I don't think overnights away from home are ideal for at least the first couple years- my sort of rule of thumb is when they are aware of what is going on and able to communicate/talk to a reasonable extent. Again, a compromise (I would offer that you could stay there, but it sounds like a bachelor pad/party house and that wouldn't be reasonable to expect for you OR your baby).. I don't know the answer but would definitely recommend waiting if possible and/or finding a way so that you can be present if babe needs to nurse if breastfeeding, if babe is inconsolable and needs mama, etc. Sometimes it seems dads try to flex their "rights" cause they can. On the other hand, you could try it, since he probably would realize he does not actually want or enjoy having night parenting duty (most married couples I know even, the mama has night duty, especially if nursing, for at least the first 6-12 mos) but if you are allowing access and parenting time a few times a week in a safe environment, whereas nighttime would be sleeping time, it seems silly he would push for nighttimes over the day/awake time he is already getting. I am glad he is a good and involved parent, but also if you have reason not to fully trust him and/or his roommate and have a gut feeling that you and your child are not at all ready for this, there is no good reason for it to happen. Good luck... hugs.

Aubrey - posted on 02/24/2010

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if it doesn't feel look like a good situation, it's not. called instinct. kicks in quick when you become a mom. don't have to have a good reason, that's one right there. stick with it.

Alison - posted on 02/23/2010

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Is there a court order about daughter sleeping over. If there isn't then you don't need to.

Jacqueline - posted on 01/12/2010

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you do not by law have to let your daughter stay over at night with her daddy as she is very young. get some legal; advice. untill he has his own place, i would think again about her staying wit him.you do need some help at nights so why doesnt he stay at yours while he has her and you go out wit friends???

Kristina - posted on 01/05/2010

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Thankfully my son's father has never ask for him overnight. He was a drunk until recently his new girlfriend supposedly has him whipped. I dont believe it dnt trust him or her and would never let my son stay with them. He is a breastfeeding baby so he would never be able to stay the night until he has completely finished nursing. Unless you are comfortable with letting her stay the night with him you should not do it, but remember the first 6mo is a critical bonding time for you and your baby they need you. You are the only thing she knows, she has spent the last 9mo inside of you listening to your heartbeat not his. she knows your smell and everytime your anxious so is she . Good luck only do what you are comfortable with.

Laura - posted on 01/04/2010

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My son is two months old as well and his father and I are going through a divorce. In my situation, I'm going for the strictest visitation on his part that I can get and even according to the court, a child should not stay away from his Mommy overnight until 6 months. I think it should be longer than that, personally, but do what you're comfortable with. You should never, ever compromise what you are the most comfortable doing for your baby. And there is a HUGE difference between a few hours during the day and an entire night.

Taresa - posted on 01/03/2010

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Why don't you agree to have him stay the night at your place and have him take care of her for the whole night. That way you can observe how he does and get more comfortable with him being with her. Then make ground rules about her staying the night as his place such as no partying and other girls around. He doesn't need those distractions when his little girl is staying the night. Also if you both have a computer maybe he could get on skype and video chat with you in case there are any problems or you want to make sure they are alright. That is what I do when my daughter goes with her dad. My daughter is almost 3 now and having a video chat before bed helps harer and myself feel more comfortable.

Kelly - posted on 01/03/2010

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Hi Kristen !! I'm 44 with 2 adult sons...........21 and 19. I think if HE left you, then he is lucky you let him see the child at all. You say he's made bad decisions in the past and even if he would not have girls over and do the drinking thing......well, who's to say the roommates would be agreeable to that? What happens if someone gets drunk and gets annoyed if the baby cries? She may get hurt. When you say partying, I'm thinking that might mean "drugs" since you've already mentioned drinking and girls. He has no right to nag you on this issue. You DO have a good reason. YOU are her mommy and you are looking out for her well-being. You owe him no farther explanation than that.

Brooke - posted on 01/03/2010

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My son is 5months old i left his dad when i was 7wks pregnant he wasnt treating me properly and he wanted 2 take our son for the night at christmas but ilive 2hrs away from him an it would have 2 be for at least a few days not just one and i didnt want 2 let him take our son but i had no choice because he has a right so 4days my son was away from me an i was a wreck i felt lost and depressed i rand every 2hrs 2 check he was ok an make sure his dad was following his routine when i got my son back he had no idea who i was he would just sit an stare in to space wouldnt talk 2 me (baby talk) look at me didnt laugh nothing it took 5days before he knew who i was it was horrible i cried so now my son never goes anywhere he is with me always if his dad wants 2 b with our son for a night then its at our parents place where i can be there 2.

Kisha - posted on 01/02/2010

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Why don't you have him stay at your house for the night? That way she is in a comfortable environment, you are in the other room, and he gets the one on one bonding he wants. I left my daughters father a week before I found out I was pregnant and we inevitably moved to different states before she was born. However, she was born 10 weeks early, came home at 5 weeks weighing 4lb 14oz and daddy was on a plane within a week! He stayed at our house and got up with her every 3 hours to feed her. He's a wonderful father even if he wasn't wonderful for me. If your childs father is a good dad give him the chance to be involved completely. Believe me, you will appreciate that you've been able to share the little person you created together. I know I have!

Michelle - posted on 01/02/2010

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If you're not comfortable with it, then don't let him pressure you into it. My son was 10 days from being 1 year old when his father and I split up, and it still took me a few months after that to let him stay overnight with his dad. Stand firm on your decision. Good luck!

Sarah - posted on 01/02/2010

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I was a single parent since splitting up with my ex, and I would say definitely 2 months is way too young to allow your baby to stay overnight and out of your care. Even if its her daddy, she is too young. Once she is two or three, can walk and communicate etc, then its time to maybe let her stay over, as long as you are sure that you can trust the other people in the apartment. If you have any slight doubts then don't do it, thats my honest advice. It might be all right and so might they, but its not worth taking the risk. Your ex might have his feelings or pride hurt but hey, he left you when you were pregnant - and your baby daughter's needs are more important than his.

Angela - posted on 01/01/2010

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I agree with all the comments made by the other moms. She is too young. There is no way you should allow an infant girl to stay overnight with her dad in an apt. full of grown men who party, drink and have numerous women visiting. Don't feel guilty, think about the safety of your child. Although her dad may have every intention of being responsible, accidents happen and if something happened because he was being careless or irresponsible around his friends, how would you ever forgive yourself. My girls are 13,11 and 7 and although I have been divorced from their dad for going on 6 yrs., they have only stayed overnight with him maybe once each yr. since. I feel like children need stability and routine. If you and he can agree on visitations during the day or weekends for a couple of hours each time, he should be understanding and feel like he is not being kept from being involved in his child's life. If he is a logical person, he should not pressure you into overnight stays. I wish you the best.

Holly - posted on 01/01/2010

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i dnt think its a great idea my son is 6 months and i still have not let him keep the boy overnight. My doctor said that the child shouldnt stay with him untill i am ready to allow him to go. Its very hard for us we are with them every night and the child waking up and not seeing you could scare the child. Just tell him to relax . Just maybe tell him to see her during the day

Cheree - posted on 01/01/2010

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My heart goes out to you and your situation my little boy is almost 20 months old and his father left us when he was 9 weeks old and was not in his life until half way thru last year after a very long stressful and quite painful court battle. my little boy has his first sleepover on the last weekend in jan 2010 something that is stressing me out as i know that he is not ready for such a big step nor is his father and heavily pregnant thing(he left us for) or myself for the best part of it. so my advice to you is stand your ground and explain to your baby girls father the importance of statbility and routine and that a baby needs to bond with the mother for at least the first 6 months of their life try increasing the amount of time he spends with her and if its not to hard or painful include him in her night time routine at your place so when you are already to take such a big step he can do exactly what you do and everyone will feel so much more comfortable. Good luck with your decison.

Nikki - posted on 12/31/2009

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havnt read other replies but im sure om repeat wat sum1s aredy sed... its not a bad thing that ur not letting her go cos YOU R NOT COMFORTABLE its the same as any other situation u wudnt allow ur child to end up somewer wer u r not comfortable... jus tell him that ur simply not comfortble... it maybe hard for him to hear but if his mature n sensitive to ur feelings n her needs he will understand in time... maybe the 1st few times u let her stay ther he can make it convenient for u to stay with her... jus so ur close to her... allow him to do as he wud wen ur not there n 1c u feel good about it u'll feel better n u'll b able to let her go without stressin or feeling gulty that uv kept her frm stayn...

Danielle - posted on 12/31/2009

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well since she is so young, at least in Indiana, they wouldn't allow a child to stay over night. It's because the child would be out of it's routine and messing up something like that at such at time could really freighten or stress the lil one.



and why didn't you just simply tell him that you don't like how his friends act and find it inappropriate for your daughter to be in such an environment.

Rebecca - posted on 12/31/2009

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ALot of these other moms make sense but then some are just retarded! But I think she is a lil too young to have a sleep over already, I would tell him that either he gets his own apt or he has to wait to have her sleep over until shes a lil older!

Anna - posted on 12/31/2009

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As everyone else said, your daughter is way too young to be away from you overnight. He really shouldn't make it an issue until she's at least 2-3.
Still, if he's trying to make it an issue now, I urge you to look at getting your custody & visitation legally official. My son's dad & I tried to work it out on our own for 2 years, and it resulted in a ton of fighting & stress, until it finally ended with a restraining order & supervised visitation. I really wish I'd just taken care of it in court right away.

Tiffany - posted on 12/30/2009

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My sons father went through the same stage of starting to want him over night and had a huge apartment with 3 guy roommates above a bar at that, but I said the same thing, I was not ready and I didn't feel he was ready to take him for the night. I will tell you though, as my son got older he started to give up the nagging, he was more afraid of looking like a bad father than actually worrying about our sons wellbeing (its hard for a baby to be away from its mom especially at that age). I fortunately had the excuse of breastfeeding.

Ikkeb - posted on 12/30/2009

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He should not pressure you. You are the mommy, you are with her every night, and you are who she wants when she wakes up 3 times a night. It is not an appropriate place for her to be without you anyhow. Good luck. be strong

Bobbi - posted on 12/30/2009

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KRISTEN MOST BABIES SHOULDNT STAY OVER NIGHT WITH THE OTHER PARENT THAT DOESNT HAVE THEM ALL THE TIME AND AS FOR U THINKIN THAT HE WOULDNT HAVE THOSE GIRLS OVER UR WRONG AND HE SHOULD NEVER NAG U ABOUT HER STAYING THE NIGHT TIL SHE IS AT LEAST 6 MONTHS WHEN SHE REALLY KNOWS HIM AND CAN FEEL SAFE WITH HIM IM NOT SAYING THAT SHE ISNT SAFE ITS JUST THAT BABIES NEED THEIR MOMMA TIME THE FIRST 3 OR 4 MONTHS THEY ARE ALIVE THEN ITS DADDY TIME AND NIGHTS AWAY FROM MOMMY

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