Struggling with feelings of rage and anger towards Baby's Father

Amber - posted on 03/19/2011 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I am angry, actually I am beyond angry I am livid. I am struggling with my feelings for my daughter's father. More times than not I am angry at him. I do not want to be tied to him for the rest of my child's life. He is now engaged with a child on the way. Mind you my daughter is 13 months old and his other child is due in August. I am frustrated because the woman that he is now engaged to, was my friend. Let me rephrase I thought she was my friend. They started dating when my daughter was 3 months old and they did not tell me till my daughter was 7 months old! They became engaged after she became pregnant. To top all this off he is spreading rumors through my family that we could have been a family had it not been for my mother! I am so appalled that he would allow things like that to be spread. I am upset that anyone would believe that, because clearly he doesn't know what love is if you can just move on. I do not know how to handle my feelings and how to deal with this change. I do not want my daughter around the fiancee because I do not trust her. If I can trust you why would I want you around my daughter?! I want to know how to get over this rage? I feel like crying and hurting him.

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Basically take some kind of class maybe yoga or boxing. I'm going thru something worse my baby fathers sister actually hit my three month old while trying to hit me and he fell on the floor. And since she raised my son father he believes and worship her so now here I am stuck in custody and criminal battles and I just feel like giving up giving him the child since he thinks he could raise him without me and leaving smh at least you have family forgetting him and take care of your daughter and as for her your daughter don't have to be around her but as your self something do you really think she would hurt your daughter if she's not then there's no reason for her not to be around her. And what your feeling is the love anger you feel for a person that you really care about take a vacation with your girls and it will be ok.

Wendi - posted on 03/24/2011

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Omg! Amber u sound soooo much like me. I can honestly say I have just started getting over my children's father. I have 2 girls 13 and 7 and Thier father is the worse! He has children by two other women. One child IS with his brother's ex girl friend. And the brother has a baby by her too. So I have been there and am trying to overcome there. There is no best way to cope. I am blessed to have a best friend who I can vent to. I also talk to GOd to help me as well. I keep it real with my girls about there dad so they know how I tried feel about him. I'm not proud of that but that is how I cope. I don't go too far but they know. All I can say IS cry, scream,break dishes, or whatever to help relieve the hurt. Trust me he will hey his! AND U your's . I mean as man who will love u and Ur daughter un conditionally! Because GOd blessed me me with a GREAT MAN WHO LOVES ME AND MY GIRLS.Be blessed- Wendibut before u get into another relationship work on u first. LOVE u more! that is more important for Ur daughter to feel and see because she wants to grow up and be like u! REmember she is the greatest part of that whole situation she is Ur blessing. as far as the girl no keep Ur daughter with u until u are ready.for that step. u have the cards play them how u want too. BE blessed not stressed girl- Wendi

Stephanie - posted on 03/24/2011

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Oh, Honey, I know how it feels to be angry at your baby's father. I am so sorry. You expected him to be the parent you are because he contributed just as much to her existance and you cant understand why he is the way he is...have I got it right? I cant tell you much that will relieve your anger, except to stay away from him and his family and friends as much as possible, so that you do not have to hear about all the nasty things they are saying. Also, find something to do that gives you great pleasure and surround yourself with true friends. Also, it is ok to cry. Unless he has court ordered visitation with your daughter do not let him see her. Dont do it out of spite, do it for her safety. If he hurt you, he will hurt her, too. It took me a long time to learn this, and at first I did not want to believe it, especially with all the hype in the media and world of psychology about how important fathers are to children, but I caused my children irreversable pain and suffering, a long criminal and CPS ordeal, because I wanted us to be a family. Kids dont need fathers with drama, they need good men and women to care about them. Biology doesnt matter. Get a no contact order against him for you and your daughter, and get full custody in the courts, barring him from visitation completely. That is what I did...everything I have told you to do. Good luck.

MindyAnn - posted on 03/19/2011

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wow Im so sorry to hear that! I would just definitly stay away for awhile and let things cool down. If you don't trust the fiance, I wouldn't let your daughter around her. It's only for your daughters sake and to be safe. I wouldn't want my daughter to be in harms way. As far as getting over the pain, emotionally may take awhile but your physical pain will leave soon as time progresses. Just give things time. It will all work out in the end. Keep your chin up :-)

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Gisselle - posted on 03/29/2011

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IT DOES GET BETTER! There were days I thought I would die....but my son is near 3 years old now and we are so much better off without him....it's hard and it takes time but it will get better. I started a blog so I can relieve some of my anger and it has helped! Keep your head up!

Amber - posted on 03/26/2011

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I thank you all for your messages of encouragement and advice. I am beginning to live for me and my daughter and I feel great. I am definitely going to take a lot of your advice into consideration. I have begun looking for jobs outside of the state so that I can truly heal and offer my daughter more. I am so going to write burn letters so that I can get my frustration out but not necessarily sending the letters. I am slowly coming back to life and enjoying my time. I look forward to spring/summer and seeing my daughter out and about loving life. I am getting over the hurt and coming to terms of my relationship with my daughter's father. We are cordial but I make sure to let him know we are not friends and nor do I want to be his friend. As for the soon to be step-mom I have asked her (countless) times for a sit down meeting so that we can just understand that a mutual respect is needed in order for there ever to be trust (she has yet to accept). I am just glad that I am coming back to life. I am taking my anger out in boot camp class and in running. I try not to dwell on the past and what we had and look forward to the brighter future which I know is coming. Again, thank you all!

Olivia - posted on 03/26/2011

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Oh Sweetie, just put your child above all else. It is important to be clear headed and calm for your daughter. The only thing that rage and anger does his add more rage and anger. It isn't helpful for you or your daughter. I could talk about my situation, but that wouldn't help you at all. But what I can tell you is that my belief in God and living and wonderful and peaceful life has brought me just that, a wonderful and peaceful life. As my days go by they are filled with wonderful friends, family and the joy of my son. It takes time but if you let go and let the healing begin, you will be Happy! Get all the crying out that is needed but he is not worth hurting. I agree with some of the other post. Find a healthy outlet, something to do by yourself as well as your daughter and move on. When you are ready and willing there will be someone out there that will love you and your daughter the way you both deserve.
Many Blessing!

Crystal - posted on 03/25/2011

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I can only imagine what kind of hurt you must be feeling right now. You feel betrayed by both your ex and your friend and it's understandable why you feel so angry right now. Please understand that it will take some time and effort to forgive them and yourself, but you can do it and once you do, the feelings you are having will subside tremendously. If at all possible, try to get some distance between yourself and them for a while until things calm down some. I also suggest writing a letter to each of them - you don't have to send it, but it helps to get all of your feelings out on paper. Don't censor, just write and allow all of your feelings to come up without fighting them. Put it away for a few days and then reread it. I also like to burn the letter releasing all the feelings back to the Universe transmuting them to something positive. I wish you the best of luck. hang in there, it will get better.
In love and light,
Crystal | www.whydidichoosehim.com

Nikia - posted on 03/25/2011

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Oh and not that I'm necessarily down for revenge but the best way to get back at someone is to not let their actions control yours. Hurting him would only make you feel good for a little bit. Also, be single for a while too. I think. It helped me get back to me...the last thing you need to worry about is what some other man might be doing or thinking or whatever. Get back to you first.

Nikia - posted on 03/25/2011

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I definitely feel for you. I agree with the other moms about filling your life with positive things to help relieve stress. I think the biggest thing that will help you is coming to terms with the actual relationship that you had with your little girls father. Let that go number one. I had that issue...I wanted to believe that I meant more to Jamar then I really did and once I accepted the fact that our relationship was not what I thought it was and got over that hurt I didn't have so much hatred. Also, call him out on his BS. What kind of man is he to say I had to escape from the situation because of your mom. That to me is incredibly weak. Call him out on it and tell him to cut it out and grow up. As for the straw that broke the camels back...if you dont trust her thats completely understandable. You have every right not to trust her or want your child around until you feel comfortable about the situation and her intentions. Live your life girl because anger does nothing good for us at all. I still get upset, but I think about the blessing that is the child. Without him your daughter would not be who she is so just be strong and live and be thankful for what you have. :)

Amber - posted on 03/24/2011

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Thank you stephanie! I have begun to limit and am looking for jobs out of state so that I can truly work on being a great parent for my daughter.

Leslie - posted on 03/21/2011

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omigod. seems your feelings are rather legit. the whole thing is a tad uncool, is it not? my tactic would be to physically remove myself from the maelstrom for at least a while by living as far away as legally possible. in time your perspective will change and it will be easier to cope. meantime, love and enjoy your little girl because they grow quick.

Amber - posted on 03/20/2011

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Estefani, I am so sorry to hear that. I would not give up the fight. Your child needs you, NO one can do a better job than you can. Just talk to the courts and let them know the situation and hopefully they can work out something in terms of visitation. I will pray for you. I hope everything turns around.

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