Temper tantrums and inconsistent parenting between houses

Jessica - posted on 09/12/2012

I've always handled this with a very simple - what happens at Dad's house is between you and Dad when you are here these are the rules.

It's like the difference between home and grandparents, home and school the rules can be different the children just need to know what they are in each place.

Aimee - posted on 09/02/2012

Does your ex have a girlfriend or a wife that your daughter knows? My boyfriend was a huge push-over until I put a stop to that, because we did not want his daughter getting used to getting everything she wants and being able to manipulate both bio parents when at either homes. Men just don't know how to parent children as well as woman can, in my opinion. So when there isn't a woman to help in their home, the father just gives in.



If he doesn't have any constant female help in his home, you may just need to politely advise your ex on how you discipline her. That's really all you can do. You may also need to be equally as strict as your boyfriend. That way she knows she can't get away with anything at your house.



Maybe also start making consequences worse than just going to her room. Take something away from her that she really likes for 24 hours (favorite toy, a play date, no bed time story etc.). The key is that it has to be something she really likes, otherwise it won't really make an impact on her.

Kirsten - posted on 08/27/2012

It definitely is not an easy task when parenting is different between households. Our son sees his mother every other weekend and 1 week during each of the summer months so he lives with us and is with us most of the time. But because his mother doesn't implement any rules, discipline, or expectations of any kind (he is 10 now, been step parenting since he was 6), he seems to feel like we wrong him in that we do implement these things (partly because that's what she tells him). He thinks he should be able to whatever, whenever, with whomever, however and frankly he has never been allowed to have that sort of lifestyle with us. It's easier said than done to get parenting on the same page between households, so my advice is to just be consistent and if you feel like you give too many chances, cut back on that. We also explain to our son "our house, our rules; her house, her rules". We still struggle with it, but we feel that if we are consistent, one day he will get it. Good luck!

Sarah - posted on 08/22/2012

Kirsty... I should have your daughter give my daughter a few pointers and then I can have her all to myself! haha

My daughter kicked my wall- one time. I didn't beat her... But I made it very clear, she is not to destroy anything or everything she has will be taken away and given to the "poor children" who would love to have her things. Thats one of those things I can't stand... big pet peeve- kids not be respectful to the home in which they live.

The other thing that drives me nuts... is the eye rolling and the sighing... like I am the one annoying or wearing her out! She did it the other day when I closed the opad because she wouldn't answer my question. When I gave her the ipad back she rolled her little eyes and said... uuuhh with a sigh... I popped her a little on the head (not hard! just like a little thump to get her attention) and she looked at me with these big eyes and said I can't believe you just did that. My response to her was I can't believe you just rolled your eyes because I wanted you to answer my question! Then I told her she should be grateful she didn't grow up like I did. My Dad would hit us up the back side of the head for everything and hard! haha It was just different then.

Kirsty - posted on 08/21/2012

My 3 year old is exactly the same!! She is super clever but super difficult. Her dad won't even have her overnight anymore because he can't get her to go to sleep. She won't stay in her room or sit on a naughty step, so i can't even give her time to calm down. If i try to shut her in a room she trashes it and almost kicks the door down. Completely at my wits end :(

Sarah - posted on 08/16/2012

Ok, ladies... I know inconsistent parenting is a major issue for a lot of single moms out there who still have an ex present in their children's lives so... there has to be a solution, right? Well, this has been really weighing on me and since my daughter has just come back from her last 1-week period for the summer with her dad, I thought I would give something new a try!

Let me just say first, I have NEVER been so happy to see summer come to an end. Even my daughter keeps saying, I haven't had enough Mommy time... That being said, something needs to change when it comes to the standard possession order and it shouldn't be 3 and under, it should be 5 and under have a modified schedule.

Anyway, back to the solution. My daughter got back on Tuesday at 6pm! YEAHHH!!!!!!! hahaha At first she would not let me go... She literally clung to me but slowly she eased up and her naughty tendencies from being at dad's house (really grandma's) started coming back. So, I sat her down and told her that I understand she has different rules at our house then with Dad. Mom has more expectations of her. (And yes, I use words like this because I think it challenges her vocab...) And lets remember what Mommy and C's (my boyfriend) expectations are of you.
1. If I ask you to do something, you don't whine, throw a fit, or cry that its not fair, you just do it.
2. If you are diappointed, we say "oh, man" and we move on... We don't whine, cry, or throw a fit.
3. If you don't do something or you are sassy, what happens? You go to your room... And she said thats always so sad... I said I know. And I want you to be happy so... I let her finish my thoughts and she said, I do what is asked of me. Thats right!

And let me tell you... having a little reminder talk and for her to get reacquainted with the game plan, really helped!!! A lot!! This has been the smoothest transition we have ever had.And when it seems like she forgets, I say remember what the expectations are... And she straightens right up.

I think consistent parenting is key but for kids who are volleyed back and forth, I think it is really important to just have a refresher course, a little reminder talk about the different expectations. I don't know if this will help anyone else... but it worked for me and I am the one who asked the question! hahaha

Deanna - posted on 08/15/2012

i have the same problem and my mother always tells me, i can not control what happens at his house and he can't control what happens at my house. you need to be firm in your form of discipline and she will learn what she can and can not get away with. i agree with being consistant as well. that is one of the things that helped me get through a lot of my daughter's fits to where she is listening a lot better.
it is a hard situation, my ex and i do not have any communication unless there is an emergency or we need to switch times we have our daughter. she still comes home from a weekend over there acting like a brat, but it only lasts a day. so with time, i hope everything gets better for you! good luck!!

Beth - posted on 08/13/2012

Remember for yourself to keep to boundaries and reinforce when needed. Praise the behaviour you want her to have and ignore/punish/time out for the behaviour you don't want. She'll learn quickly what behaviour is wanted vs not wanted in your house, compared to what is/isn't at her Dads.

Certainly getting down to her level and saying 'no you can't do/have that at the moment because....' or 'yes you can have/do that because....' will mean she learns why she is/isn't allowed to do certain things because it's been explained to her. Also means that it's giving her some of the power she wants - of course in moderation.

Being consistant helps. Yes boundaries/rules need to be there, but it doesn't mean that they have to be rigid, sometimes being a bit flexible helps as well. My girls know that I decide what we're going to be eating at the end of the day, but that doesn't stop me asking them what they fancy eating (sometimes they'll get a restricted list to choose from other times it's just - what do you want and we'll go from there).

Another good trick up your sleeve is having a reward system/chart - that way she gets little extra treats/rewards for the behaviour that you want her to have. What you reward her for is up to you - can be general and/or specific. Rewards can range from sweets to colouring stuff, to going out somewhere that she would like to. Remember to keep it age appropriate.

Kim - posted on 08/12/2012

...so my kid
right now

Kendra - posted on 08/12/2012

Say no and walk away, don't argue with her and if she starts don't respond ignore her. I speak from experince it may take awhile but she will get the point soon enough. As for when she goes and stays with her dad explain to her that dad has differant rule than you do and she has to follow your rule at your house

Most of all be constisant and even when its super hard don't give in because then it will be like starting all over

Good luck and I hope this will help

Kendra

Barbara - posted on 08/12/2012

Sarah, I feel for you entirely. It seems like you've described my life to The T! I'm very interested to read people's responses to this. Good luck!

Kristin - posted on 08/05/2012

I had the same problem with my overly- dramatic, nagging, whining son. It drove me nuts and I read numerous books and tried many different methods. It improved to some extent but I was always stressed out and found myself getting into long fights with a 5 year old and being stressed out all the time because of it. I was at a thrift store one day and found this book for 97 cents and couldn't pass it up: 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan, PhD. It was the most simple, basic, logical and effective thing I've tried ever. I still use the system and it works anywhere and with problem children as well. I use it on my ADHD nephew and he's like a new kid (I don't mind him being over as much now and I'm not as stressed when he is). I absolutely recommend this book because it's not a super complicated concept, not a huge book, has some funny stories in it and real-life examples, covers everything from nagging to cleaning their room to talking back. When I mentioned it to a friend one day, a child psychologist overheard us and said that it was his favorite system and recommended it often. Any parent would benefit from this book and I really do feel like it will help to set a strong foundation for those "teen-rage" years everyone loathes. I just looked and found it on Amazon for less than $5. Here's a link:
http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effect...
Good luck and I hope it helps!

Beth - posted on 08/01/2012

In the long run your daughter will thank you for being the 'mean/cruel' parent by sticking to the ground rules and having boundaries. She'll realise that when you do say yes, that she's earnt the right to have/do something, where she'll recognise that with her Dad she can get away with it.

Certainly stick to your boundaries and reinforce. My eldest was like your daughter about the same age - stubborn, bright child. She's now 12. Even though she doesn't like all the boundaries that I've given her, she realises that they're there for a reason.

Is it difficult to be the parent who is the one that lays down the rules/boundaries - yes, but it's worth it in the end. Remember stick to your guns. Hopefully with time, she'll realise that the boundaries/rules are there for a reason. Like all children, she knows which buttons to push to get a reaction out of you - one of them is a strong dislike of 'no'. Then who likes to be told 'no'. A trick that I've learnt is to tell my children 'No, you are not allowed to have/do ....., because ......'. That way she knows why you are telling her off. Also depending on their behaviour I will give them the choice - to either stop what they're not supposed to be doing or get sent to their room/time out. Also they have to apologise for their behaviour, have a hug then get on with doing something else.

Melissa - posted on 07/31/2012

OMG! Your daughter sounds a lot like my 17 month old in the strong willed and very bright == Ugh.

I can so see this being her by the age of 4. We should make friends so we can trade secrets and swap stories that make us want to cry but enable us to just laugh about it.



I can't help you with your question but I can assure you that you are not alone.

My daughters father doesn't even speak to me, won't even discuss options for discipline and just assumes that it works out fine with two different methods. It frightens me to think every time she is visiting him she gets toys and new stuff because of his own guilt, while I have to do all the 'mean' stuff ..lol

Sarah - posted on 07/31/2012

That is what is so difficult about this situation... The ex and I are definitely exes for a reason... We will never be on the same sheet. Just today I made an exception. We agreed in writing and then he changed his mind, and told me he isn't bringing her back to me. If I want her I have to go to his place and get her. This is the second time in a month he has threatened to not return her.

If I can't even get him to return her without a struggle (and let me just say... its not because hes such a great dad and wants to spend time with her its because hes punishing me for not giving him his way last time) then how am I ever going to get on the same page in regards to discipline?

I'm at a loss here... it is so frustrating to know that my daughter will not have the consistency she needs.

Beth - posted on 07/31/2012

Sounds like that your daughter has learnt that Dad is a pushover and that Mum and bf aren't. Certainly talk to your ex and tell him that he needs to set boundaries for your daughter. You both need to be reading off the same sheet when it comes to discipline and boundaries. yes there will be acceptable differences between the two homes, but your daughter needs to know that when she's told 'no' then it's 'no' regardless of who says it.

Certainly with my girls they are well behaved for others and generally well behaved for me. They understand that when they misbehave there are consequences for it and when they're good then they get praised. Sometimes you'll have to be that bit stricter when she comes back and hopefully as she gets older she'll realise and learn that when she's at 'Mum's house' then she has to follow Mum's rules, when she's at Dad's house, then it's Dad's rules.

Also when she's heading for a tantrum, give her a choice. 'You can either stop what you're doing and listen to Mum or continue and you'll be put in time out'. She'll hopefully learn that it's not worth the effort of having a tantrum as she's missing out on things. One of the best things I was told with dealing with my girls' behaviour - is reward the good behaviour and ignore/discipline the bad behaviour. Bad behaviour - I ignore or time girls out where appropriate. Good behaviour I reward - praise, pocket money etc..

Kristin - posted on 07/30/2012

You and your ex definately need to get on the same page and discipline needs to be consistent at both parents houses (easier said than done I know) Also maybe look into taking a parenting class that you and your bf can attend. My middle son who is 6 was diagnosed with ADHD at age 4 and was put in behavior classes for temper and they taught me some great tips on how to deal with strong willed unruly children. I always use good behavior equals good consequence bad behavior equal bad consequence. If he says no or doesnt listen he is in room no questions asked. I calmly guide him, to his room and I say nothing to him and he has to stay in ther until he calms down then we talk it over and he tells me what he did wrong i than follow with a mommy loves you but you have to listen and we cant always get out way. If i give my son half a donut as a treat and he wants the whole thing and throws a fit gues what he goes to his room and gets no donut. If he is good we do fun things like park swimming bike rides etc. You have to stay firm, and consistent though one time you are not consistent its back to square one, It took me a month to get my son to quit with his bad attitude and temper. He still has tantrums but they are few and far in between now. I hope this helps somewhat good luck. Oh the program we used was called CHADS