To Contact or No

Gamemakerchick - posted on 11/01/2017 ( no moms have responded yet )

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This is kind of a hard question to get out there.

A little backstory first.

My son is 5 and a half, and his father has never seen him. This is at the decision of the 'father', as he doesn't consider his child his simply for the reason that he does not want to have a kid. We had separated a month before I found out that I was pregnant, and the only time he had something to say about the pregnancy (I had contacted him many times while I was pregnant) was that after my son was born - he told me that I should have had an abortion. Kind of too late for that, and I do not believe in termination anyways if it can be helped. I had moved on with my life and have raised my son into a smart and curious young boy. I have never pressed any personal involvement to legal extent with the paternal party, but I have attempted to reach out time to time to give an update or what not. This has met with me being stonewalled, blocked and harassed by his friends via email. (Yes it is his kid, I am not keeping him away from him in any way, he had demanded a court ordered paternity test after my son was born. No that would not have been a chance for him to see his son as he lives half a country away)

My son knows that his 'father' is not in the picture, and that it is not my child's fault. He asks questions every once and a while and I answer them how I can plainly.

While working on a large family tree project, on a lark I searched some of my ex's information online and found a physical address for him that was noted as pretty recent. My ex was in prison last year for selling drugs to an undercover cop, so I am guessing that is why this information was readily avaliable.

My qualm now is that I very badly want to write to him - to tell him how I feel about the whole situation and what he is missing out on. While I have tried to talk in the past, I always gave up - I was scared and didn't know what good it could bring. I am stronger now and what to at least try for my son's sake. I also want to be able to understand a bit more about why he wants nothing to do with his son. While blocking me and harassing me is a pretty firm 'not interested', I guess I want to see if there is a reasoning I can better understand.

I know I shouldn't poke at the bear to say, but I feel that for my sons sake, I need to at least try. We aren't needing for money as I have a great job and can afford the two of us OK, but I don't want to feel that I have failed my son. Any input would be appreciated - I don't want to go into this on a lark. Either way, my son and I are taken care of and happy - with family all around.

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Shenequa - posted on 11/05/2017

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It doesn't matter if you "ask" or "poke" around every day for the next 13 years, you won't get an answer satisfactory enough for you to "understand" him not wanting to take care of his responsibility. I really don't think the reason is as important as you providing a stable home for your son which you have done. You have been honest with your son and you have answered his questions. The day may come when he will want to be in your son's life but until then, just continue doing the great job you are doing with your son. It is not your responsibility to make him want to be with his son. Let the curiosity go or it will drive you crazy. If you want to write him in prison, write him however based on his behavior, he either will not write you back, he will write you back with negative words and information toward you, or he will write you back deceiving you and trying to use you in order to get something from you while he is in jail. In the slight chance that he is interested in seeing his son, you can let him know what your address and telephone number is so that if he wants to contact you, he can (you can also give this information to his parents so that you don't have to contact him directly). He will never be able to say to his son that he couldn't find you or he didn't know where he was because you kept your whereabouts a secret. Other than that, you've done what you need to do.

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