To Move or Not to Move... away from an uninvolved father.

Gillian - posted on 01/25/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

6

13

0

My daughters father is a bar/club owner. That he claims he cannot escape to see his daughter for 3 YEARS. So I decided, since I grew up in a single mom home with no involvement from my father, I wanted to give her an opportunity to see her father even if it meant moving. Since I have moved to his city, to pursue a good job offer as well, he's been minimal at best with her time with her, and complains when having to spend more than 3 hours with her stating "its too difficult" or it's not fair that he's "STUCK" with our daughter while I'm out enjoying myself (at the gym no less). I have no friends in this dreadful town, and my family lives 6 hours away (driving) I have no support system, no other person for assistance with childcare (my hours are from 2-11) than him. And he's starting fights with me at every other turn. Telling me he owes me nothing and that if I take Kira away from him my "life is over". Considering he hardly sees her and I surely cannot do this by myself. I'm weighing my options here. Stay here so Kira can slowly develop a relationship with her father, even though I'm suffering horribly and cannot rely on him for ANYTHING. Or should I move back with my family where the environment is always loving and caring. My family was and has always been there from the day I got pregnant when he demanded the abortion. His kindly stepped out of the picture. He tells everyone what a great father he is and it really chaps my a$$. And my daughter would rather visit with his girlfriend than spend time with him. And I quote "daddy is mean to people". So here is my incredible dilemma... remain here in hopes that he will come around. Or make the move to where the people already accept responsibility for her and love her ALWAYS (not just when it's convenient for them).

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

15 Comments

View replies by

Erica - posted on 01/28/2009

2

11

0

If I had a chance to move away from my ex husbands I would. My 2 youngest sons dad lives 3 miles away and has seen the boys once in almost 2 years and he has weekends off! Do what you need to do to make YOU happy. As they say "if Mama aint happy..aint NO body happy"  My kids know when I stress adn your daughter does too . They can read us and it affects them. Later on in life they will understand and be gratefull you made a stand adn is doing what you think is right for you and her both. Good luck!

[deleted account]

MOVE! The further away the better! I did and its the best choice I've made, if only I was a little smarter I wouldn't have even told him where we were going! He blames things on me and being so far away but it's just an excuse, he really has no intentions on being a good father. I think that it's better for my daughter to not have his influence on her life then to have his influence.... I promised that I will never bad talk him or anything of the sorts because children are smart and she'll know the truth and the truth about him. Go be with your family and those that support you, then she can really get the love and attention she deserves even if it's not from her "father". I hope the best for both of you!

Mary - posted on 01/28/2009

6

14

1

I think you have your answer...if you dont have friends or family, some kind of support system, then it isnt good for you or your daughter.

[deleted account]

Wow. I had a similar situation. Ex was/is minimally involved in kids lives (only a father when it is convenient for him), I am 8 hours from my family, I have no real ties here other than my kids. I could have moved closer to my family and had unlimited support, compared to none here. But he fought it, lawyer said court would probably be on his side, and kids were more upset about the prospect of moving away from their friends than they were about the divorce. It was a very hard decision. . I ended up staying, and I hope it was the best decision for my kids. I felt I had to put them first, even when everyone told me I should move. I know that moving would have been a lot better for me, but I don't know if it would have been better for them. I think part of it depends on the age of the child(ren). Mine are teenagers and only have a few years of school left. If they were younger, my decision might very well have been different. I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.

Melanie - posted on 01/28/2009

6

20

0

i am in the same position with my childrens father he cant be bothered and has messed them around so much with not seeing them for three months at a time and then walking back in to lives i had to put a stop to it. he now has no access at all and i feel my children are much better off without him. if i were you i would move back home where you have whaat sounds like a fantastic support network which is vital when your a lone parent. your lil girl already knows what sort of a person her father is and she really doent need to be around that sort of atmosphere. i left it to late with my eldest boy and he now has to see a councilor to air his lil issues with his dad. for your daughters sake dont hang around and let her fall into the same trap as my son and also dont you fall into the horrible trap of being alone and issolated. hope my advise and lil story helps you with your decission. xxxx

[deleted account]

Oh wow.  I can understand whre you're coming from, but it's seems like you've spelled your options out here in black and white.  I even gather than his bark is WAY bigger than his bite.  He's got nothing and by sacrificing your sanity to stay close to him is not doing your daughter any good.  Children are very intuitive. 



The problem for me is psychological control over the actions I take in regard to living arrangements.  Currently, I'm living at home with my mom in Michigan.. where he lives about an hour north of here.  I need to move to Ohio--the border is about 3 miles--because it's so much cheaper and it's where I'm going to school.  BUT, he insists that it will be too far away!  Thing is.. he thinks he's such a great father b/c he pays child support but he rarely makes the time to come and see her physically, let alone take her for a weekend on his own. More often, he takes her and drops her off somewhere else with other family members!  It's sick how he justifies himself, but ANYWAY. 



Do what you have to do for your sake and hers. 

[deleted account]

Oh wow.  I can understand whre you're coming from, but it's seems like you've spelled your options out here in black and white.  I even gather than his bark is WAY bigger than his bite.  He's got nothing and by sacrificing your sanity to stay close to him is not doing your daughter any good.  Children are very intuitive. 



The problem for me is psychological control over the actions I take in regard to living arrangements.  Currently, I'm living at home with my mom in Michigan.. where he lives about an hour north of here.  I need to move to Ohio--the border is about 3 miles--because it's so much cheaper and it's where I'm going to school.  BUT, he insists that it will be too far away!  Thing is.. he thinks he's such a great father b/c he pays child support but he rarely makes the time to come and see her physically, let alone take her for a weekend on his own. More often, he takes her and drops her off somewhere else with other family members!  It's sick how he justifies himself, but ANYWAY. 



Do what you have to do for your sake and hers. 

Karen - posted on 01/25/2009

4

10

1

Move! It's obviously what's best for her. I have so many people tell me that it's best for my son to see his father, but my gut tells me that he'll be better off emotionally if he's with people who love him. If he grows up in a loving environment, he will be secure in himself enough later in life when he learns that his dad was not a great dad and was not involved in his life. I took the help of my family and I'm so much better off.

Gillian - posted on 01/25/2009

6

13

0

So true.  I guess I'm still holding to the fact that I'm afraid if I do move away that one day when she hits her teens and decides she hates me and wants to move with her dad ( I can see that coming lol)  that he'll tell her I took her away from him and make matters worse.  Perhaps too much foresight but I'm really worried that this will backfire on my somewhere down the road.  

Deanna - posted on 01/25/2009

100

11

21

MOVE! Can't say (or in this case type it any clearer).After reading and rereading what you wrote I wonder why you stay. Why stay where you are miserable and he doesn't like being "stuck" with his daughter while you are at the gym? You deserve better and so does your daughter. If you are miserable and unhappy then your daughter will pick up on that and that is NOT a good environment for her. You must be happy in order to keep your daughter happy. Family is forever but the men will come and go. But that's just my thoughts on it.

Gillian - posted on 01/25/2009

6

13

0

Thank you.  If my mind was not made up already you all surely have made this decision a whole lot easier for me.  God Bless.

Sharon - posted on 01/25/2009

1

4

0

hi i moved away and it was the best thing i've done, for my daughter and myself.

Jasna - posted on 01/25/2009

4

6

1

hi in yours story i see myself ,my english is bad but i hope that i can help u.I decide to move away from my housband i back at my home town and now i m happy i have my parents.friends cousins,sisters brothers and it is not so hard.My housband dont call us dont wanna be at touch with his son and my son is 6 yeras old and he is not so little,but kids always love they parents no metter of what.My kid is now angry but when time is gone he forget him a lot of things that is nature and dont try to separate your kid from father she never forget u.Move away and start again you fell so happy trust i m happy now so much

Gillian - posted on 01/25/2009

6

13

0

Thank you so much Silvia.  You are absolutly right.   I do have childsupport and custody in place already.  He uses the excuse with the court ordered visitation in place he could never see her because the weekends are his busiest nights.  I told him tough.  He told me not to be so stubborn and that if I enforce visitation then it will be my fault that kira never sees him.  Not his.  Ugh.  He's extremely manipulative.  I hate that. 

Silvia - posted on 01/25/2009

19

11

2

Move away, if your only reason for staying is your daughter then she has already told how she feels about her father. Your daughter will grow up & if she is smart enough now to tell you that daddy is mean then when she gets older she will understand why you moved away from her father..  As for him let him know this is a womans world!!!! Apply for child support and custody, all his excuses for not seeing his daughter will back fire on him.. Stand your ground and do whats best for your child. When she is old enough and has a better understanding of peoples behavior she can look for her father if he chooses to not be a part of her life now. Good luck to you and your daughter

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms