Trapped, don't know what to do anymore

Kris - posted on 01/07/2011 ( 56 moms have responded )

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I'm pregnant with my first baby to my Fiance of 2 years, we have had a rocky relationship since day one (moved in quickly, got engaged after a month etc) but we loved eachother to bits.

The day I discovered I was pregnant my flatmates had to calm me down and talk to me, as the dad had took off in shock, which I had expected. I was over the moon to be pregnant, I had been told I was infertile and had given up hope. Dad went to an army training facility a year into our relationship, and came back a total different person to the man I had fallen in love with. He was short tempered, foul mouthed, disrespectful and increasingly becoming violent. He is now all these things, as well as jealous and possessive, controlling (he steals my bank card from my wallet) and has tried more than once to isolate me from family and friends. (Has succeeded with friends, most of the anyway.)

I still love him in spite of all these things, I still occasionally see the "old" him, then it dissapears as quickly as it appears. As I write this he is at a pub with his alcoholic friends, leaving me alone and pregnant at 2 am, as he has started as a new habit of night activities.

I cannot talk to anyone about what he is like, out of fear he will get angry with me, he has never hit me, but his father was violent during his childhood towards his mother. He has pushed me on several occasions, I dont take being bullied lightly so I stand up to him, but have to back down immediately out of fear for my baby. For the first 2 months of my pregnancy he has tried to convince me to have an abortion (an EXTREME insult to mine and my families beliefs) which is also a HUGE argument instigator.

I am trapped with him, we barely speak some days, then fine the next. We have discussed him being a "weekend dad" but this usually results in argument also. I cant talk to him about my concerns, as he gets angry/stops listening. In short, I cant win with him in anything. I believe in fairness and equality in relationships, but due to his race and religion he sees it differently.

I don't know what to do, I know I cant sit and wait for this to get worse but I cant leave either. I would have to leave while he is out, but I have no way of staying anywhere (my parents are an hours drive from mine) I have no friends, he dictates my entire life, I'm suffocating and he knows it. He doesn't want to lose me and knows what he must do to keep me in his life, but sometimes it just feels like he doesn't want to try hard enough..

Any advice would be hugely appreciated, mom knows what is happening and few close friends I have left, all tell me to leave but anyone whose been in my situation knows it simply isn't that easy.. :(

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Mercedes - posted on 01/09/2011

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Maybe you should stay with your parents for a while because then he will see your being serious. (guys want what they cant have) but its not going to get better after the baby is born, maybe worse. Its hard being alone with a baby but there is alot of people who do it, and im sure you can. He needs a huge wake up call before its to late. Believe me if you think things will get crazy if you leave get a peace order on him so he cant hurt you even if you dont think he will. You need to get over the "love" because if he really did love you like you love him and he must not he would not be doing all this to you... take a stand for you and your child.

Christina - posted on 01/08/2011

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Leave, and don't put him on the birth certificate. Just raise your kid alone.

Jessica - posted on 01/13/2011

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it was rocky in the beginning! he treats her like crap... i am sorry but there is no reason to stay no matter what the reason might be. there is no sitting down and trying to fix it! he won't change and it will anger him more and make it worse!! she needs to leave, not find some stupid excuse to put up with it... oh, he might be suffering, so maybe i should stay... no, he is abusive, she should not put up with it, and she should get out. who needs to put up with that? and why would you want a baby to put up with that?



and she already discussed it with him and he blew up... imagine what he will do the next time? your advice scares me a lot, Amanda. it sends shivers down my spine.

Kasie - posted on 01/13/2011

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I don't think there is any reason to try when he's getting physical already. Physical abuse should never be tolerated or reasoned with. Plus, she said it's been really rocky since day 1 and he obviously knows what he's doing if he's trying to distance her from her friends and family. There is never a good reason for a man to treat a woman this way period. Who cares what his reason is, do you really want to hear it? Him having a reason for getting violent? Get out.

Jennifer - posted on 01/13/2011

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if you love that baby it is easy to leave because it only takes once for him to shake that baby or hit that baby and kill it who do you love more yourself and that baby or him you have got to chose because i hate to tell you if he is like this now it is only going to get worse after baby is here. he will never change . if you go to the right shelter for battered woman they will help you get away and they will also help you get it so he has to pay child support but not have to be in contact with you or the child. my son is 13 it was the best thing I ever did I was 4month pregnant when I walked out of the situation and have not looked back .you can do it

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Kari - posted on 03/07/2011

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I know it is easier said than done, but if at all possible, you need to go to your moms. You owe it to yourself and your baby to be happy and protected. You don't ever want to be in fear that he would hit you or hurt your child!

Chris - posted on 02/02/2011

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I'm so sorry you are going through this. It a very similar situation I was in 10yrs ago...you have to follow what you believe is the right thing for you to do. However 20/20 hindsite I would have myself the grief and a nervous breakdown and left before the drama really hit the fan! Best wishes to you! Chris

KELLIKAYZ - posted on 02/02/2011

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THIS SOUNDS EXTREMELY VOLATILE AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY YOURSELF, BUT A BABY TO THINK ABOUT. I SAY YOU TAKE THAT HOUR DRIVE TO YOUR PARENTS HONEY. THEY CAN BE A SAFE PLACE FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD AS WELL AS A GREAT DEAL OF HELP. THESE ARE ALL RED FLAGS AND I DON'T THINK THAT AT THIS RATE HIS BEHAVIOR WILL IMPROVE WITHOUT SOMETHING CHANGING. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Kelly - posted on 02/02/2011

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No IT WILL NOT BE EASY, but guess what you have to plan it out and leave !! Not only are you in danger and I'm not joking but so is the baby and believe me it will only get worse after the baby is born. babies require all of your attention at all times . they can't do anything for themselves and this is gonna piss him of even more. You will be in more and more danger. Find a way , put your feeling on hold and concentrate on having a healthy , happy baby , not one that will be in fear and grow up with arguments which does as much damage or more than physical abuse. I know from first hand experience and it's not something you or the baby, especially the baby will ever get over.

Alicia - posted on 02/01/2011

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my two uncles and my grandma came to pick me up when I left my husband. I had a very similar experience and I needed to get out, my husband showed up unexpectedly but because my two uncles and my grandma were there he couldn't really try anything. maybe having 3 or 4 people come pick you up would be a good choice. I know exactly the fear your experiencing but believe me he will only get worse and you can't fix him no matter how much you love him. I know that's tough to hear but you need someone who will love you, your a beautiful, intelligent, caring and loving woman who deserves only the best!

Alisha - posted on 02/01/2011

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Honestly I would break up with him and move on. He sounds like someone you wouldn not want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't base your decision on emotions as they change quickly, base it off of how he acts and shows you he loves you, which to me seems like he doesn't know how and you don't want to waste your life with a guy like that. You and your baby will be fine! If you don't even have the same beliefs about living how will you ever agree on parenting techniques? I know it's incrediably hard getting over your child's father but it can be done (I did it). And it's a long grief process getting over the fact that you won't have the family you want for your child at the moment but that doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Obviously I can't decide for you and tell you what to do, but you want safety for your heart and your baby's health and well-being.

Melissa - posted on 01/22/2011

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I am in the same situation you are RIGHT NOW and I have to agree with your friends, please leave. Be as nice as you feel you can be and still leave, but in the long run you will be happier. Please.

Joy - posted on 01/20/2011

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Kris, I know you may be scared you are young and this is your first baby. No on can tell you what you should do, I believe you now what you need to do. It is difficult at times like these to make decisions that will affect not only our lives but the lives of our children. I spent 10 years in a relationship that is parallel to yours. We met moved in 1 year later we had a beautiful girl. He served in the military prior to our relationship but the violence and seperation from all that I was and knew happened. I loved my husband and I was a pretty good wife. We had 2 more children for a total of 3 together it did not stop the violence. He never hit me either; he shoved, got in my face, kicked in the bathroom door, baracaded me when I wanted to leave, seperated me from my friends. I began to go crazy myself because I had no life no escape. I do not blame him because it takes 2. I stayed with him thinking it was best for the kids, he was not a bad guy 100% of the time, he had his good traits, the if onlys and what ifs plagued me. I worked hard at my marriage but the more we struggled the harder it was. I could not keep things together it took both of us and he was always unwilling. We have now been seperated for and in the divorce process for 1 year but I know I am doing the right thing. You are fortunate that you have the support of your family and I believe that parents should do the right thing for their children. It would be good for you to clear your head maybe go stay with mom and dad for the weekend and if it turns longer he will deal with it. Remember he will not go down easy he will fight to the end he will be loving, sad angry and this will continue till you give in. Chances are all his promises will never come through. The choice is yours in what you do. I pray for you and hope that God watches over you.

Kasie - posted on 01/20/2011

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Ok, Adrienne, he is physical!! What the heck! There is NO WAY he should be allowed to prove anything! She needs to get out! And stay out! Don't let him back in!

Adrienne - posted on 01/20/2011

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I kicked my baby's dad out 2 weeks before she was born. Best move I ever made. She was not exposed to fighting or raised voices & I didn't have to argue with him about not pulling his weight with household chores or caring for my baby. I'm a single mom now for 8 years & have gotten to a place where I can actually get along with her dad. There's no way we'd ever get back together, but if I didn't have him leave when I did, I know things would have only gotten worse. He, too, went out partying with his alcoholic buddies til all hours of the night & has since been in rehab several times over it. If you suspect he has a drinking problem, RUN! You can't fix him & you can't have him around the baby while he's trying to fix it--if he choses to quit drinking. Let him prove he's worthy of coming back for at least a year if he gets help--if you still want him. Otherwise, figure out a way! Get a job near your mom, find any support you can in your area, but get away if he's scaring you--IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE ONCE THE BABY COMES!

Ashley - posted on 01/19/2011

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You need to think of your unborn child. You are a mom NOW, not just when your childs born. You need to pack up and leave him asap! Is this really what you want your child to see? I know it's hard but you need to wait till he goes out to the bar, pack and RUN!!! He will be mad and even try to cry and tell you how he is going to change but most likely he won't. PLEASE I have been where you are, it won't be easy. Think of your child! If he really cared he would NEVER act like this.

Kathy - posted on 01/19/2011

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You can go to a womans shelter and start your own life again. You can also let his command know he has anger managment issues which need counseling help. the ombudsman is another source for military and she can communicate with his command to alert them of this problem. Either way you MUST get out and do it NOW! for the sake of your child to see a family living in a more positive manner.

Jenna - posted on 01/19/2011

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You got to go! I've been in your situation and while it was hard to leave, I am a much happier and healthier woman than I was when I was with him. I lost every single one of my friends, and all of my family for this man. It took everything I had to divorce him, but once I did I was able to put my life back together. I rekindle old friendships and made new ones. I mended the brokenness of my family and now I am closer than ever. The only happy thing that came from that relationship is my daughter.
You must leave before something truly awful happens to you or your baby.
If I were you I would leave before you have the baby since it's easier to up and leave without all the baby stuff involved. Either way, you need to get out.
I wish you the best and hope that you are one of the strong ones that gets out while you can.

Desiree - posted on 01/18/2011

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God is real!! He sees what u are going through. talk to Him if u really want to leave He will make a way. You must leave.Your life sounds like it is in danger. He doesn't love you. If he did he would be so supportive. Don't give up think about your child. he or she depends upon you, but u must leave. just as u type out this, talk to God. He is listening. He loves you and He will make a way. I will be praying..... Take care.:)

Nichol - posted on 01/18/2011

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I would have been in your situatuion if I had stayed but I chose to leave my son was born. I thought of all the anguish I was getting while pregnant and I thought about if I honestly wanted my son to be subjected to that. My answer was no. I know its hard to leave, I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship and she only ended up leaving after her youngest was 3. The father of my child started behaving the same way yours is after I got pregnant. He was scared and felt trapped, I know that's why he acted that way. My friends husband had a control issue and still does to this day. He blames me for my friend leaving him and I am partly responsible because I gave her the strength to do it. From the sounds of it you are holding on and I know you believe it is impossible to leave but it's not. You have the strength within you to do what is right for your unborn child. Go to the police, go to a shelter, go anywhere and soon. Leave all your stuff behind if you have to. This is about you are what you feel anymore, it's about the unborn child you are carrying. Ask yourself a very important question.....do you want your son or daughter to feel that is normal to have relationship such as yours? Would you want your daughter to be treated this way by a man? Would you want your son to turn into his father and feel he has the right to treat any woman this way? As you have stated, your child's father had an abusive father and look how he has turned out. It can be prevented. My son is in wonderful helath, a very creative little person and happier than I could have ever dreamed! You can do it and I know you can find a way to do it! You have a whole other life to think about now and you WILL find the strength to accomplish what is best for your child! If i lived close to you, you could stay with me! I wish you luck and happiness!

Stephanie - posted on 01/17/2011

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OMG, please do leave now and know that it will only get worse if you do not. Do it for your baby. Drive an hour to your parents- people who presumably love you and will help you. Never say "can't": "can't leave", "can't tell him", etc. When you say, "I'm suffocating and he knows it", that tells me that he has little concern or love for you. You cannot solve his problems, and trust me, they have nothing to do with YOU.

I was in your situation and the first thing I did was go talk to a counselor at my local domestic abuse center. It was free, anonymous, and I realized that I had, over the years, lost a healthy perspective of reality and it was hurting me and my kids- a lot. Don't let it get as bad for you as I let it get for me (and us). Abuse is not always about getting hit (although it usually escalates, eventually).

You can do it because you MUST do it. Remember who you were before you met him. You can be stronger and smarter than you can imagine at this moment, but you need to make the decision to leave and plan life without him.

Jennifer - posted on 01/17/2011

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GET OUT NOW!!! I've been in relationships similar to yours, and it is painful and difficult, but one day he WILL hit you and you need to get out now for your protection and the protection of your baby! Call your mom or whatever friends you have left and leave. You can always get your stuff later (with a police escort if necessary). Pack a bag with a few days worth of clothes and get out of there. Get on a bus, a train, take a cab, drive yourself, it doesn't matter, just get out of there, please. If not for yourself than for the child you are carrying.

Jessi - posted on 01/17/2011

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First of all let me say that my heart goes out to you.Ebing in a bad situation and being pregnant makes things much more complicated.I am 26 yrs. and the mother of two boys that are four and five.My situation is a little different than yours but maybe I can be of some help to you.You don't want to be in a relationship with a short tempered man and be unhappy.When I was 23yrs old,and my sons were 8mos.,and 16mos.there bio father died.I was left alone with two babies and no one to help me,my mother is dead,and father has never been around.I was terrified.At this point in my life I was made to stand up and be soul provider for my children.You can do it,it is hard but there is lots of help out there for single mothers.You can get housing assistance maybe closer to your parents,and get help until you get on your feet.If you think things about this man bother you now,wait until that baby is born.Your love for him or her will over power any feelings you still have for him.Getting your own place will give you the power to raise your child in the enviroment that you want them raised in.Start putting in housing applications in an area you wold like to reside,and go from there.If this man does not wnat to be in your child life so be it.Chances are by the sound of things you guys are better off without him.You will learn to make things work over time and take advantage of any kind of help you can get.I raised two on my own for three years,it wasn't easy.Don't worry about anyone but you and your baby,things will fall in place.I never thought I would find anyone I would trust with my kids.I meet my prince charming and he loves my boys as if they were his own.Don't settle for less in life,make it what you want and get what you want out of it.I am now going to college and getting my degree.You will learn to make it along the way,stay strong and have faith in yourself.Best of luck to you

Marie - posted on 01/17/2011

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As a single mom who has gotten out of an abusive marriage, my gut says, "you have to get out." I read some of the other comments, and Jennifer has a good plan.

I didn't know how to get out either. I hung in there way too long and waited until he got arrested for something else so that I could move out while he was in jail. As a result, my sons have significant emotional and behavioral issues. If I were to do it all over again, I think I would have gone to the battered women's shelter and gotten out much sooner.

Erica - posted on 01/17/2011

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LEAVE! Find an abused woman's shelter and stay there, drive to your parents if you have no car ask them to come get you. Call the police and ask them how you can go about getting him out of the house so you can pack your stuff up (take just the important stuff, the rest can be replaced).

Jennifer - posted on 01/17/2011

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honestly if you love this baby and want this baby i am sure if you go to your parents who you say are not that far away and tell them what is going on i am sure they will help you and there grandchild and protect both of you .

Shelley - posted on 01/16/2011

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Hi ..i know exactly how you are feeling, i went through a relationship almost exactly like yours. He was abusive, verbally mentally and physically (pushing in my country is physical abuse) . I had several misscarriages because of him and then became pregnant when i was five months pregnant he went nuts threw the couch at me and a chair , i called the police enough was enough i had 2 children from a previous marriage and a baby on the way, if he can do this to me he can do it to my baby. He had me sell my home i owned and moved me to a place where i had no friends, he took his car to the garage and left it there forever so he had the vehicle all the time and i was trapped at home. He took off before the police arrived then came back days later to kidnap me, his plan was to kill me, Finally he was caught and the baby and i were ok. If you care at all about your unborn child you will walk away before this child see hears and feels this and thinks this is the way a man is suppose to behave or what a woman is suppose to take. Have self respect for you DO YOU HONESTLY DESERVE THIS KIND OF LIFE ...ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!

Amanda - posted on 01/14/2011

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sorry if i said things out of line of course there is no excuse for violence i worded things wrongly i know its no excuse but i suffer from fibromyalgia and my brain fog is pretty bad so forget what im saying i would never tell anyone to stay in a relatioship like that i should know from past experiences . I did say get somewhere safe and he needs help from the army because he shouldn't be treating anyone like that. im no good with my words, All i was saying is he needs help so he doesn't hurt anyone, but you need to go to your mums . i probably still havn't worded thing properlly But i didn't mean to upset anyone...

Jenny - posted on 01/14/2011

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Leave...! Who do you love more? You and your unborn child or the father....! Love yourself to leave him before he kills you or the child.. he doesnt have to kill you physically, but he will kill your soul piece by piece and there will be no room left to love your child wholeheartedly...! speaking from experience...!

Faye - posted on 01/13/2011

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If he is still in the milatary, contact his comander! The milatary does not want thiers bullying others!

Otherwise follow the others advice and get out. You know his pattern of drinking in the evenings, take advantage of it. If necessary, ask the friends he has not ran off to help get you to your families home.

Aimee - posted on 01/12/2011

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Speaking from my own personal experience you need to get out ASAP! Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE...they can direct you to resources in your area. There are places you can go, and by you being pregnant it's especially important that you have a safe place to live. The abuse will NOT get better - it only gets worse as they lose control of themselves by addiction or other means you will become the target every time... He will also pose a threat to your child's safety after birth...and do you really want your child to see him treating you this way? (I doubt it). You can get restraining orders or simply make police reports of every situation you can....either way you go about it you still need to get out. If love could fix him - he'd be fixed already so love yourself and your precious child and move on. Remember - any man can be a "sperm donor" but it takes a real man to be a DAD...Love doesn't hurt!

Iysha - posted on 01/12/2011

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actually, it can be that easy. your mom is an hours drive...go to her...pack just a few items for you and baby and leave while he is out drinking.

I have been in your situation and stayed out of fear of being a single mom. he even went as far as to flip over the reclner I was sleeping in while I was pregnant. I hit my head on the coffee table. I still stayed. When my daughter was born, he was there, but didnt stay long past the time when everyone else went home. When I was in the hospital for 2 weeks before my daughter was born, he was there 2 times, stayed the night once but came and went to get alcohol. I'd like to say that after that things got better but they didnt...he became a drug addict and just mow has "recovered" and my daughter is 18 months. We live with my parents, so there's no violence...but the "see what happens if you kick me out now" is still there. I just told him yesterday that I dont want to be with him anymore after i found that the $600 that we had for the month was completely gone...in 3 days.

At one point, you will know that you need to leave despite having nothing when you're gone. In the end, it really doesnt matter...you can love him with all your heart but, love isn't enough. It really isnt...your self respect, your sanity, your happiness, your family are all more important than being with someone who doesnt treat you properly. Weather that be physical abuse, verbal abuse, being inconsiderate or selfish, or puts his wants before yours.

I am positive your mom will help you if she knows what's going on and that you want to leave but feel helpless...regardless if you have grown apart. I used to see the "old" Justin all the time and really felt bad about thinking of leaving him but at some point you need to realize that he may not want to lose you but you need to leave. Everything else will fall into place...you just need to take the first step... call your mom.

Erin - posted on 01/12/2011

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Get out NOW while you can....You have yourself and a baby to think about and the baby will sense the unhappiness..THe worst reason to EVER stay together is for a baby.They are SOOO much better off without...Trust me..

Kristina - posted on 01/11/2011

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You need to get out. If you have family that will help go to them. Things will just get worst. I know it's hard it took me a while to finally say ok what do I want for my kids. It's about your child now. It's not just not you anymore. So it will hurt as hell and you will be weak at times but think what is the best. God bless

Kasie - posted on 01/11/2011

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Honey you need to get the hell out of there. Fast. Find somewhere, some way to get to your parents house or something. You can't raise a kid in that environment. Don't let him do this to you or your child. It's only going to get worse, you wont get the old him back. He has to want it and it seems like he doesn't, he's only getting worse and you need to protect your baby. I would also talk to the bank about changing the account number and maybe not having a card for a while, just going into the bank to the teller when you need something so he can't take it from you.
My ex was more verbally abusive than anything, I did get threats from him though and his family and now I'm hiding from him. I did it for my baby and myself. You can't change him no matter what, I'm sorry but he has to do that on his own. If you need to, find a way to get a hold of your parents and ask them to come and get you when he's gone or something. It may not be easy but you have to keep telling yourself, it's for the safety of your baby. I hope you figure something out, and I wish you luck. This is always a hard situation.

Lani - posted on 01/11/2011

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You have to make a decision hopefully in favour of your child and your safety and future. You have robe wise and calm. Pray and ask God for guidance and strength. If I where'll start making a good plan for myself and baby because I won't entrust my child to someone inconsistent, high tendency to be violent, not dependable emotionally, and controlling. You have to wake up and see the changes as it is and act quickly. It will define the future of your child and yours. You have a child now. Yo can't just think of yourself and love for him then let down your child in the long run because of wrong decisions depending on feelings. Your child depends on you. Be strong mommy. I'm praying for you. Godless.

Sarah - posted on 01/11/2011

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I just went through the exact same thing, I had my son and I went through rough times he didn't help out at all with the baby it was like taking care of 2 babies instead of one while he was getting worst in temper.. till he was 6 months old. I couldn't leave because I would have nothing he has the lease in his name so I couldnt leave. I got out though.. My advice would be to get out sooner then later.. it will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but you will make it through and be a great mother for looking out for the best interests for you and your baby.

Melana - posted on 01/10/2011

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get out of there atleast for awhile til he shows progress of being a better person, cus the way you feel is how your child is going to feel and neither of you deserve that. i wish you the best hunn.!

Candice - posted on 01/10/2011

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you should leave... I know thats blunt.. but its the truth.. from my experience it only gets worse.. your not there yet it seems..but it was just like that for me and the first time he choked me I was 3 months pregnant.. it just kept getting worse.. i put up with it for 5 years.. while most of it was mental abuse, I was scared for my life and my childs life.. there are places that will help you.. YWCA.. they have counseling for women that are going through this.. you are not alone.. this happens to a lot of women.. they just usually dont say anything and then it is to late.. its not to late for you.. if you are scared for your life or for the life of your child.. DO NOT think twice about this.. men that are controlling and abusive do not change.. they always appoligize and say that it wont happen again and then it does.. its just a vicious cycle that is never ending.. you can get a restraining ordre if you fear leaving him and him coming after you.. there are ways.. and you doing it while he is gone is the best way to do it..you need to talk to someone close that can help you and make sure that you make copies of all your important papers and give them to someone you can trust.. maybe keep an emergency bag with them also so if you need to leave in a hurry you wont have to go back.. I am so sorry for what you are dealing with.. but you really should leave before the baby is born cause it will be that harder afterwards.. no one has the right to control you.. or tell you who you can talk to or be friends with.. they do this so you think you cant leave.. after being seperated from my ex for a few years now.. this is what he told me.. he thought that if he eliminated everyone in my life, I wouldn't have a choice to stay with him... cause i wouldn't have anywhere to go.. I really wish you the best.. I hope you have the strenght and the courage to know and do what is best for you.. this is just my personal experience and I hope nothing I said offended you in any way.. I am scared for you.. you will be in my thoughts and prayers.. good luck to you..

Julie - posted on 01/10/2011

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This is a tuff call. Only you can make the choice you need to make. I highly suggest you go seek counseling for yourself. I do for my own sake and it helps. If I was in your shoe, I would move out before the baby is born. Once you have the baby, moving out maybe a little harder. I am saying this because I have four beautiful girls and I really had a hard time leaving my husband. For one whole year, I was hoping he will change but he hasn't. One year later, I am in process of separation. My girls and I don't need to be in the environment we are in now with him. I can feel you sweetie, but you gotta make the right choice for you and your baby.
I know you are scared not knowing where to go, but there are all kinds of help out there. Do some search online and make some move. Trust me, I was on the same page! I am no longer scared leaving my husband and raise four girls on my own. I have done research online knowing there are all kind of help out there. Plus I have good friends and families who are there for me.
Again, do what is best for you and for your baby. I know you love him dearly, but he may not be the man for you. I sure hate to see your newly child see it all. Trust me, your child will be scared.

Jessica - posted on 01/10/2011

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oh yes, and go to counseling and join a support group for battered women to learn about patterns of abuse and how to avoid them and learn that the things he does and they way he treats you is NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. but it is your fault if you continue to stay and allow it to happen by continuing to stay. he is following a pretty typical pattern of abuse and you will be amazed at how predictable it really is when you join a battered women support group. it will open your eyes and make you realize that he is an abuser and you are abused. but it is time to stop playing the victim and get OUT. your friends will come back to you, trust me. you will be okay, you will be better off, your baby will be better off. it is not just you anymore, it is your baby too. you are no longer one person, you are a mother of someone that does not need to come into the world like this... imagine if your husband treats you like this, how he will treat the baby or how your child will feel watching this?? get a restraining order after you leave. the women's shelter can help you fill it out even if you don't stay there. but please, don't tell him you are planning on leaving, just disappear. go to your parents if you have to, but make sure you don't answer the phone or the door and instruct your parents to not let him in or tell him where you are. he will go looking for you there, and it will be the first place he looks. be mentally prepared to call the cops when he does show up and not to give into him by talking to him at all or you will fall back into it with all the lines of how he is going to change and things will get better bull... and trust me, he will sweet talk you and tell you exactly what you want to hear... but in his mind it is proving that he can control you even more... don't fall for it. don't even answer the door, just call the cops straight away. i am sure if you called your parents, they will pay for a bus ticket or something.

Jessica - posted on 01/10/2011

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go to a woman's shelter. they can hide you and help you get on your feet. but what ever you do, do not stay and leave before you have the baby. it isn't healthy, and he already resents the fact that you are pregnant and is angry at you for continuing the pregnancy and having this baby. he will take it out on the baby as soon as the baby becomes in issue and you have your first sleepless night and are begging him to let you take a nap or get time off from the baby... he will get mad at the baby and take it out on the baby and blame you for having the baby and think that is a good enough reason to not help you or to be mean to the baby. as in, well, it is your fault you had the baby, so you have to deal with it sort of thing. the situation is not going to get better, he is not going to change after he sees his child, and you will continue to be unhappy. you don't need this stress. you need having a baby a happy, stress free, and a celebrated occasion. you need to leave as quickly as you can. rent a storage shed when he is at work (far away from your house and not at the usual route he would drive) and fill it up as quickly as you can with stuff you need and stuff that is yours and rent a hotel room somewhere or go to a woman's shelter (they will give you a place to stay, get you insurance, rent assistance, food assistance, WIC assistance, anything you need to get back on your feet), or go to a friends house or find a way to get to your parents. even though you think your friends have left you, they have not. they just walked away from the stressful situation because it was hard to see and it was not changing. call one of them, tell them you need to go. i am sure they would let you stay with them and protect you from him (as in not tell him where you are) until you get back on your feet. but i would get away as quickly as possible. there are churches that can help you get furniture and a crib... but what ever you do, do not stay. you love what you thought you had and you love what you wish it was... you don't love what it is and it will never be different. it is not worth the pain and the stress. you should be happy and concentrate on the new life you are bringing into the world, not the safety of you or your baby... trust me, i went through this... it is tough, but you can get through this and in the end, you will be so much happier because you will have way less to worry about and you will open your doors for someone that believes as you do and willing to take on your child the way you want/need them to and you will be happy. and you will be happy alone too.

User - posted on 01/10/2011

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Find a women's shelter! if you don't know how to find one call the national hotline 800 799 SAFE.

Situations like yours are exactly why these shelters exist, even if he has never hit you.

Vanessa - posted on 01/10/2011

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The military can help you guys - give you counselling and tools to get through this.
It's not that he doesn't try hard enough - he doesn't know HOW to try harder.... talk to the military chaplain, it's a good place to start.

Karen - posted on 01/10/2011

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Take control and get away from him now before it turns uglier! Once your baby is born it will only be harder to leave!

Vanessa - posted on 01/09/2011

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I can't believe the amount of people who have advised you to leave. No it's not easy at all.
If you can get him to see there is a problem (AND you are both motivated!) seek counselling and work through your problems. You don't deserve any of what you are going through --- I agree on that point wholeheartedly. But only YOU and your man know if your love is strong enough. Don't deprive your bub of a family if it can be worked out so that everyone is safe and happy.

Karen - posted on 01/09/2011

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you need to leave him. you don't want your baby growing up thinking that type of behavour is ok. you can do it on your own, though i know first hand that the thought of it is terrifying, it's surprsing how stong you can be for your child and how rewarding it is. there are many options for you, you could try to goto a women's shelter, depending on your work situation you could move back to your parents (it's sometimes good to get a freash start in a differnt city and having family around is very helpful) or ask a friend if you can stay with them until you can get your own place. there are many differnt financial support options for single moms. and i always recommend that single moms join a mommy and me group if they don't hve alot of emotional support, it helped me in more ways then you can believe. it's probably one of the hardest things you will ever do but trust me it's worth it

Vanessa - posted on 01/08/2011

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This just screams PTSD.
My hubby is ex-millitary and we got engaged under similar circumstances ---- however we sought help through the defense force and have come out the other side.
We fought his demons together - sure I threatened to leave, but in the end - when the nightmares came I held him and he held me. Our love was enough ---- ask yourself if yours is, or if for your bubs safety you should bail.

Crystal - posted on 01/08/2011

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Um, baby... put your big girl britches on because its time to stop whining and act like an adult. You're only as suffocated as you allow yourself to be. And believe me, I do know... they do really well at convincing you you should be kissing the ground and be thankful they keep you, all while they cage you too, but the reality is... you've allowed it to happen.



I also have no doubt that the person who is that jealous... is cheating themselves.



Do you know what the greatest risk of death to a pregnant woman is?.... yeah, that would be the father. That really a chance you wish to take?



I get the guy probably needs some serious therapy for PTSD especially with the violence, but this isn't your problem to fix, its his.



HOWEVER, you said yourself that from the START you guys had a rocky relationship. Why in hell would you stay in a relationship like that, procreate with it and just stay "engaged" to it for two years? I mean come on! Real love is tightly combined with respect and it doesn't sound like either of you seem to have any for the other.



Now, before you start whipping out the pity party, you need to get a game plan together.Your parents are an hour away, that is nothing. You can easy make one phone call while he is gone, tell them enough about what is going on to get them to bring a couple uniforms and watch over you while you pack up and get out. Do you hear this? Get out! DO NOT give him any indication this will be occurring beforehand because you want to make a "power play" in your constant battling. It could potentially get you killed. Are we awake now? Might also be a good idea to file a restraining order.



NOW... he has his own bag of demons to work through, you have a kid to deal with soon. You may think you "love" him, but he is obviously not capable of what you want from him right now, and may never be.



Right now is the time to get yourself and your kid safe. It would be a good idea too to stay out of any contact with him for a good long while as you have a lot of deprogramming to do. It would be a really good idea if you talked to someone yourself. Find a battered women's shelter in your area... "battered" doesn't always have to be physical... the scars of mental abuse last a lot longer. They will have suggestions for you, they might even have a peer group you can join. Do it and remember, I yell because I care. Now get moving.

Charlene - posted on 01/08/2011

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we women are the weaker sex...we sometimes think we cannot survive with men in our lives...everyday he walks around with a smile on his face...I AM THE MAN...YOU CANNOT LOVE HIM MORE THAN YOURSELF AND YOUR BABY..go to the police get a restraining order...take the bus to your parents and stay there...once you are away from him you will see the world in a new light....the first stage is to leave....it will only get worst if you stay...you are bringing a child into the world make a difference for your newborn...when we become mothers my motto is "my life is over, i live everyday for my child/children"....you sleep, breath, try to keep healthy and alive for them.....they did not as to come into this world so when they do.....take care of the fist...so please find a way out...you have your freedom to life make use of it

Jennifer - posted on 01/08/2011

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if you can leave at a random time do.. go get a hotel wait for your mom to get there and then since it seems like the pub is a nightly occurance go in the next time hes gone and get your stuff( get what friends he hasnt isolated you from to help also) and then be gone... you need to do whats best for you and that baby

Julie - posted on 01/07/2011

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It is hard. Its been 7 months since I kicked out my daughters dad and I do sometimes feel horrible, but then I just tell myself I did it for HER. I didn't want her to grow up with all the tension and fighting. I look at her and i know I made the right choice. I will you luck and will hope for the best for you.:) I know it will hurt to lose someone you love ( i was with my ex for 9 years) but sometimes you have to chose which one you want to protect more.

Kris - posted on 01/07/2011

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Ohh, you sound like your in the same (ish, first babe for me) boat as me! :( I know in my heart what the right thing to do is, but it is so hard to up and leave someone you care very dearly for. Thanks Julie for the advice, I know babe can feel the emotions I have and it makes me sad to know that babe knows I'm upset/scared. My family are very supportive of me and my pregnancy, but its just so hard to leave when there's random timing of when he is out, and by the time my mother could reach me he might be already home..
So many problems and the thought of having to deal with the heartbreak scares me so much, and I know what has t be done for the sake of me and my childs safety, but its just so hard! :(

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2011

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I am kind of in the same situation in the beginning everything was perfect until i got pregnant with my son he left three months into my pregnancy and after the baby was born he was awesome more than i could ask for until i got pregnant again and he does nothing again and is rude and mean at some points and i even feel bad for making him help with our son even though i shouldnt since i am 8 months pregnant and do pretty much everything alone while his lazy ass sleeps I know it is hard to leave really hard especially since we live with his sister and im pretty much stuck i dont have a job and cant get a place until i get my income taxes but i want to leave him so bad because it hurts worse and worse everyday

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