Trying to get my daughters father to see more of her!!!

Meghann - posted on 03/17/2009

It feels good to hear so many strong mothers share their situations with one another with such optimistic attitudes. Living in such a small community it's hard to find someone to relate to, so just reading about real-life situations such as these are inspiring. I was once very angry about the way my child's father seemed to show a lack of interest in our daughter but I learned that I can't control the way he feels towards her, I can only do my part. I still pray that one day he will have a more active role in Kia's life and that she will not feel like she missed out on him being here, but all I can do is pray. He's going to be who he is regardless and that doesn't mean he is a bad person because I know that he can be a good father, which is ironic for me to say when he doesn't show an interest in his daughter, but we had a child at a very young age we were both in high school, we are still young. I understand that he wants to enjoy his life and if he feels like his daughter shouldn't be a part of it or if he doesn't care,that's his lost. I believe children are blessings and they should not be taken for granted. I had plans to go to college and move away before I had a child, but when I became a mother it wasn't about me anymore. God didn't place my daughter in my life for me to put the responsibility on someone else. There are moments when I get down about being a single mother because honestly I feel incomplete. My motivation is prayer and of course seeing a smile on my baby's face.

Nisa - posted on 03/16/2009

Hugs and kisses and praises. That is all you can really do. Spend qualitly time with her yourself and do fun things with her. If he dosen't want to be in her life, well that is really to bad, but it is his loss not hers. She will grow up to be a strong woman with or without her father. Cuddle and rub her back in the middle of the night. Transition is hard especially when the children don't really get what is going on, all they know is different. So just be there and don't force him to spend time with her that he dosent want to spend. Shes better off not knowing that her father dosent want to spend time with her then going and having her foisted on someone else. It is really hard, but as a mom you have to do what is best for your child.

Susie - posted on 03/14/2009

im in the same boat my ex partner to my child is ment to have our son every other week for the weekend like you but this weekend he has decided he would rather live his life with out seeing his son then he bravely ask out of cheek if he can see him for the afternoon i said no as i had to make alternate plans for my son as i work saturdays my son is 3 years and a bit so he understands a bit more but i still dont like telling him daddy is busy or doing something else. i dont mind having my son as i live for him but every now and again we all need a break esp us mums , its his loss but never speak bad mouth of your childs father as this will confuse them we just have to provide the love of both parents its hard but the child makes it rewarding

April - posted on 03/14/2009

I can sympathize with you. I have learned with my situation that you can't chang other people, just try to be the best person that God would have you be. He will be held accountable for his lack of committment to his child. It is so hard when they want their Dad to be a big part of their lives, and he's so wrapped up in his own life that he selfishly makes choices that only please him. I would not lie to take up for him either. I know that it is hard, I live it too. Never put him down, but don't lie either. She may be too young to understand now, but she will see more clearly the older she gets!

Pray about it and be the best parent that you can be, and God will take care of the rest!!

April - posted on 03/14/2009

Quoting Clare:

Trying to get my daughters father to see more of her!!!

Yes I am actually wanting to express my anger and anxiety about how much more I am trying to advise my ex partner to see more of our daughter. I just dont understand how men when we divorce or spearate somehow come up with the conclusion that they suddenly have choices that they can see the children whenever it suits them.

My daughters dad shes her every other weekend. It use to be every weekend but I bravely got into full time work which has recently came to a closure. Now i am not working I have said he shoudl spend more time with our daughter given that she is 2 anda half and wakes up crying for her daddy, is deeply stressed when she has nightmares and her daddy is not there and all i can say is daddy is busy or daddy is at worl. I have talked to hiom but he always has a WEDDING to attend and he finally admitted he cant see her because he has a life to led.

I just wondered what other peoples thoughts are, I have relaised that I cant control the fact he doesnt want to spend time with her extra although there are father and mothers alike who would kiss to see their children as much as possible. I have to admit I really dont know what to say to my daughter when she wants her dad and is so upset and doesnt let me cuddle her to calm her down.

Leann - posted on 03/13/2009

My husband and I seperated when our daughtes were 2 years old and 3 mo old. My two year old did that same thing. I started out tell her he was working. Finally, I was honest and told her he doesn't live here any more. She quit ask after awhile. Just let her know you love her. Don't bad mouth him, he may come to his sense and want to build a relationship.

Amanda - posted on 03/10/2009

I feel yeah, my ex didn't have much to do with our daughter when he was with use and then he left. He seen her even less. He just told me how it will get better when he has a place of his own to take her to. That was over a yr ago. with his distance from birth she didn't like him until he started playing with her and not demanding from her. I started getting really mad cause she did start asking about him and to be honest how fair is that he got to do what ever he wanted when ever he wanted and me I was stuck at home and he went and had fun. I called him and in the nicest way I could told him he was a bad dad then he started taking her this lasted for a few mths. now hes back at his same bull crap, I have no money or I have a crazy roommate he would say. I say kiss me ass, she doesnt care about any of that or understand any of that pulse let me ask is there anything in this world that make you go 3 days without seeing your child I can stand every other wkend thats about it. so your ex and mine are jurks and who needs it.

I have stopped fighting I may ask for him to watch her once in while but barely. I spoke with a friend of mine whos ex left all together and she pointed out that hes the one missing out and yes maybe your child is to but if thats how he is then maybe she really don't need the confusion. The more you push him the more he will think its about you and not about your daughter. Men don't really know the trueth about a mothers love. I just don't understand why they can't really even half that love for their children. Or at the very least think about what their child is thinking and feeling and care about it. One thing I can never stress enough is that actions are louder then words anyday.

Sterling - posted on 03/10/2009

I so understand how you feel as my ex has done this with my 2 children. I have asked him to consistently come see the children and he has done so when he wants to see them, when it fits his schedule. Once my divorce is final which is next week in my decree he will need to follow it because I want him to be consistent for my kids. When he tells me that he wants my son to spend the night with him one weekend and then calls to cancel, I do not do the telling, because then I will be the BAD GUY. Let the dad do the telling to child that they cant see them etc. breaking the date. Your child as she gets older will figure out that she cant count on your ex and no matter how hard it is, we have to let that happen because no matter how much nagging, or asking they wont do anything different but what they want to do. I would compleletly back off from asking your ex to see your child and just carry on your life, make it a good one for her and you. As she get's older like around 5 and on she will have more maturity and will start to peiece it together and understand about her unavaible daddy! I know it stinks but just know that you are not alone in this journey!

Claire - posted on 03/10/2009

in some ways u r lucky, my son is now 5, when he was 2 i went to solicitors and attended mediation with his father, to try and get there contact more regular and consistant, it got me nowhere. my sons father only sees my son when it suits him (usually approx 4x a yr) this confuses my son and upsets him, there is no contact at times for 5 mths, not even a phone call. my son used to ask when he was seeing his dad, if he can phone his dad etc. but even if we phone him he doesnt answer the call and takes weeks(if at all to answer) i never know what to say to my son. he has even told me he doesnt see his dad cos i dont let him!!!! all i can say is stay calm and support ur daughter in anyway u can. she will soon settle down, it gets better, even if the fathers dont!!!!

Mary - posted on 03/10/2009

I agree 100% with Janine!!

Mary - posted on 03/10/2009

This is really hard and unfortunatley, I wish I had an answer.  I have two children, my eldest son who is currently going to be 23 had no relationship with his father.  I tried so hard to create a bond, I made excuses for him, etc.  but he never stepped up to the plate.    My son on Fathers day still calls me to wish me, "Happy Father's Day", he always says I was his mom and dad.  My son is very resentful toward father and now that his father older he has tried to reach out to my son but my son wont have it.  I'm not sure if it can ever be repaired.  My son now is a father and is not with the mother of my grandson, he seems to fall into his fathers pattern and then I have to remind him of what he went through and he gets together but is due to the fact that I'm always reminding him of his relationship with this father.  He seems to be getting better, for the sake there relationship, I hope so.

My daughters father and I recently divorced but he is in active in her life, he calls her daily, he doesn't see her at often but she is at an age where she tells him what going on (10 yrs old) and makes him feel guilty.

So what I'm trying to say is you're not going to be able to make him act like father if he chooses not to be one.  Love and support your daughter and when she asks questions don't talk bad about him, just say he was busy, etc.  not sure why, you will come up with something.  when she gets older she will realize what happened and won't feel like you kept them apart because you spoke negative of him she will know you tried to protect her.

I truly wish you the best in this hard situation, good luck!

Janine - posted on 03/10/2009

I'm glad that you realize that you can't change his attitude towards his daughter. All you can to is love her all the more. Just assure her of how much you love her and will always be there for her. When she is inconsolable just do your best to convey how much you are there for her. Never bad mouth the dad. In time she will adjust to not having her dad in the home. Just be all the parent you can be and learn that you can't change him. It's really his loss anyway.