very lost and hurt with my situation. NEED ADVICE

Alyssa - posted on 01/14/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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so my daughter is almost 2 and a half years old when she was born the man i was with we thought was her biological father so we put his name on the birthcertificate. well when she was almost 2 in july of 2011 i decided to get a dna test cause he was going to try and get custody through courts and needless to say him having her alone wasnt in her best intrest so dna came in and she was not his but another mans. so i let him know and the bio dad came around four times and saw her. hes been gone for 4 months now and hasnt said a word about her. well the guy i was datings mom had decided to still be in my daughters life even though she wasnt her grand daughter biologically. up until last friday when she called and said she was no longer seing her because her son (my ex) didnt want her to. so that made me really upset. and now my x tells me he wants his family back meaning me and my daughter who he helped raise for almost 2 years till the dna. and now his mom said she doesnt know what shes doing. im really hurt that my daughter doesnt have a bio dad in her life or really even the guy that helped raise her whom i had love.

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I've know a few women who have been in similar situations and from what they have lived through it came down to this: a family is the people who love you, suppoert you (emotionally - not money) and get it. A family can be adopted together - but they are together. Family isn't an optional reality, it simply is. You wouldn't think twice about being there every day - most women wouldn't, anyway.

My girlfriends created an environment where they explained to their daughters that mommy and little one are the "family" there may be other people, men or women, who adore us and want to hang out with us, but we are our own center of our universe, and "having a dad" isn't like having a "thing" everyone has a father, but not every father wants to be a dad, and that's okay. There is so much freedom in having each other. Finding a way that works for her to understand that there is a lot of great people you have in your life, and that it's wonderful to get to make your own decisions and design your own life can help her a lot. One of my friends had a difficult time explaining this to her daughter, and for her telling the truth. Her bio dad did not want to be a dad, and he was very honest about that. She explained to her daughter not every mommy wants to be a mommy, either - and that is allowed, too. But "I love being your mommy, I love being with you and doing all kinds of fun stuff together." It can be hard for kids, who tend to compare themselves to other 'families' to get this - but honestly, single motherhood is more common than lasting marriages so technically, you are in a cool group of the population and have far more freedom than many women! My other friend's daughter was simply used to it always being the two of them - and saw she had more time with her mom, and no competition from another person and loved it.

Here's the funny part: both of them have since had men come into their lives who love mom and daughter so much, they moved in - one recently got married, and he adopted the daughter. Go for the golden ones, let them in. Many men adopt children with their hearts - not their biology : ) hope this helps a little~!

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Jennifer - posted on 01/18/2012

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He is definitely reacting out of hurts for not being the biological dad. It does sound like he is starting to face his heart in that he loves you and the reality is that now that he has drug you and your daughter through the mud he may have to rebuild back into your life and you will have to choose to rebuild back into his as he was thinking he was the biological father correct? I think if you both love each other enough to work through it you should both shut out other influences and focus on healing your family and perhaps with a good counselor. I think its good to have a unbiased viewpoint to help you both come to terms with some hurts from both ends.. your daughter will benefit from both sides willing to heal and work through. Perhaps instead of jumping into it again.. take it a step at a time. If he for whatever reason backs out, stay committed to your own inner healing and that is important in being a great woman and mother in general. So it would be a win win. It is hard. I had extended the open door to meet with my son's father in counseling (as he has never met my son) so him and I could touch base for a year.. I didn't want him to just run in and out of my son's life and wanted to show at the same time that I was not just going to close all doors to a relationship. He stopped talking to me and punished my son by never returning a Fathers Day call. To me that says perhaps it was more of a control issue and if thats the case I cannot be his mother.. I am my son's mother and it showed me where he was at.. but the pain was excruciating and to see my son have to go through it. I am sure I will be accused of not letting my son see his father but hope in the future that through court papers and letters and journals that my son will see that actually he was valuable and I wanted to make sure that his biological dad wasn't just going to leave at his own whims again. It sucks having to make those responsible moves and get punished for it.. but it hurts more to stay in irresponsibility and not ever face it head on. I urge you extend the offer to counseling for both you and him. I know from experience that having people walk in and out of your life too quickly can cause some damaging effects on your child.. if I could do it again.. but.. well, this will either be a making or breaking moment in your relationship and I hope that it is the former (making) of it. I wish more were willing to extend healing for at least the sake of the child.. but sadly, its so rare. I hope his love for you and yours for him outweighs any fears either of you may have.

Alyssa - posted on 01/17/2012

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the problem is the guy that raised her is getting all of his family that had loved my daughter out of her life. and he hardly even sees her either

Amanda - posted on 01/15/2012

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If the biological father doesn't want anything to do with the child and the man who raised her does, and you want to be a family then i think you should....a father is a man who steps up and cares for the child and is in the child's life...and if your ex wants to continue to be the dad then that's great.

Sherry - posted on 01/14/2012

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All of us understand here since we are all single mothers. My daughter is 7 and she has never even met her sperm donor. She is adjusting through life quite well even though she has no father. Just stay positive and supportive to her.

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