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Very, very lonely single mom. Where does one find all the good guys?!

Toben - posted on 01/21/2010 ( 205 moms have responded )

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I've been a single mom for almost a year and a half. Really single as in no "daddy" in sight. I dated once fairly recently but it didn't work out because the guy couldn't accept the fact that I have a child. I am starting to feel incredibly lonely and just want someone who I can share my life with and connect with on a mature level. I am so sick of having friends who are so involved with their significant others that it takes over their lives. On top of the loneliness I feel, I don't have many friends and am alone a lot. Any suggestions to solve my problem?!

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Tara - posted on 05/05/2013

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Thats how i feel also. I am a 39 year old single mother of two boys ages 10 and 8. i do everything on my own. My ex does take them every other weekend. I have been divorced for 7 years now and i feel very lonely. I do have some friends however, they all do have their own lives etc etc and that doesnt make up for yearning for that feeling of being loved and loving someone in a romantic relationship. I have tried online dating and only met losers or guys looking for a hookup. I am not sure what to do anymore. I want to feel wanted by someone not only physically but emotionally and mentally I want to feel that connection. I am afraid i will be single forever and once my kids are grown I will also be too bitter and too old for someone. Any suggestions?

Jorge - posted on 01/12/2014

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Read some of the stories here and I have to admire the double-standard of some of the single-moms here:

"I'm a single mom but am not willing to take care of other people's children"

... yet they expect Mr. Right to love them AND their children unconditionally.

And they wonder why you are lonely. Also, all I read here are victims who have done nothing wrong. Really? You must have done something to be in the situation you are in (apart from the ones that had to escape the relationships because of abuse).

Now, let's take a look at the ones that are lonely and cannot find this elusive Mr. Right? Oh yes. The good men. The ones that happen to be all around you yet don't meet your list of requirements:

- Not tall enough
- Too fat
- Works too much (busy trying to have a good life, but you see it as having less time to devote to you)
- Has baggage (i.e. kids)
- Has custody of his kids (worst than a non-custodial dad because he won't have enough times for you)
- Too ugly (look at yourself in the mirror and see if there's a Miss Universe looking back at you)
- And the list goes on.

Ladies, there are good men all around you, but you have to bring your standards down, just like men have to bring down their standards by dating you and the baggage you bring into the relationship. If you are not willing to compromise, you will be looking at more lonely years.

I know it's hard to be a single parent. Take it from me. I am full-time single parent with custody of 3 kids and have been doing it for 5 years now (yes, without help). It's hard, but if you are able to give men a chance, they will offer what you are asking and much more. You just have to give the 'right' men chances. Where are they found? All around you.

But, don't just ask what THEY have to offer you. What do you have to offer THEM? Don't be selfish. What do you bring to the table besides baggage, debt, inability to go out because of your kids, etc? If he has a kid, are you willing to go to the movies as a group? (Most single fathers would love this. I know I would). If he has a nice stable job (especially in this economy), are you willing to respect his decision to do that so he can provide for himself, you and your kids without nagging that he has to work hard?

Lots of you join Internet sites and don't find anybody or you only find 'creeps' and 'jerks'. Really ladies? What about the ones that read your profile and asked you questions to know you better or even asked you out and you turned them down because you thought he was not 'Mr. Right'? What happened? Too ugly? Not tall enough? Not in a white-collar job? But he was interested in you and wanted to know you. You just discarded all chances of meeting him and finding out about him and his life.

Ladies, you will not meet Mr. Right if you don't go on dates. There are men out there that have been hurt by women. Men such as the sons you are now raising. What would you say to your sons when they get rejected for trying to meet some single-mom for which they show interest in? Will you tell them that they are a creep/jerk/loser who can't land a date even with a single-mom or will you tell them to try harder or move on to someone single with no baggage?

Keep it real ladies. Be yourselves and don't set your standards to high. Take a look at what you have to offer. And if somebody is interested in you, give them a chance. After all, a date does not meet you will marry the guy. It just means a date. A conversation over a cup of coffee. A nice dinner. A time of a man and a woman to meet and get to know each other. If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. You go on to date the next person that you have given a chance to until you decide on the one that makes you feel special.

Good luck ladies.

Jennifer - posted on 01/22/2010

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I udnerstand the lonliness and sadness. I'm going through some of that too. The best advice I've gotten is from some Christian friends. I hope this doesn't offend anyone out there with dissimilar beliefs..but thought I'd share.
The advice is that you won't find the person to be with until you start being OK with being on your own. God will bring you the right person when you give up your "right" to find someone and live your life the way he would want you to.
Fill your life with good works, self-development and good friends who have a positive outlook on life and a healthy spiritual life. If your focus is on God and you are involved in a church (get really involved...volunteer and stuff) you will find that you will aquire a circle of friends that helps your lonliness and you will also have the potential of meeting a good Christian single man. Go back to school, take an art/self defense/home repair class, do something you've always wanted to do. Find things besides a man that can bring you joy and increase those things.

If you are divorced I recommend www.divorcecare.com.

As single Mom's our struggles are huge. And I completely understand the lonliness. My hope for all of us is to have complete, healthy, happy lives with or without a significant other. Hang in there ladies!

Inger - posted on 04/02/2013

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it is very lonely, especially when you put your child to bed as your home bound and alone. sometimes what you need is a good friend to realise your lonely and need some company but that is hard when they r busy with there lives! i hear you...some suggest to join the gym. but if like me you need to be with your child how do you join a gym? i do a zumba class once a week and the first time i went i cried..it was like so liberating and i felt so sad for myself...i use to be confident, independant and so strong but a toddler just sucks out all the energy out of you! hugs and kisses

Ashley - posted on 01/22/2010

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Well i once read that in order to find love you must learn to be your own best friend ! I'm not sure where your from but i can give you some advice ! Since your feeling so alone channel that into you and the family you have, now when you start to feel you have no one to call or hangout with or huge , take the kids to a park or just you or go walk down your block or squeeze your little one and when you start going out and being your own bestfriend while your out at the store make conversation with everyone! i made a new friend today at walgreen talking about her 6 month old baby turns out she new to town from Alabama so play date we set up ! start with these little tricks and see the change when you step out of the norm theres change ! you may meet a single father at the park looking for the same thing you are ! and BAM theres love ! always think positive, goodness is around the corner for you I just feel it you just need to believe it !

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Erika - posted on 08/11/2014

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The good guys are probably not any of the men who have posted their phone numbers on this site. Really! Praying on hurt, lonely, single moms. Look for a church- like one of the newer ones. That is where I found my friends and support.

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Foxtrotter - posted on 07/31/2014

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I lost my husband in 2009 .I have child thats 12 now.I am very lonesome but I dated here and there but every guy lies or is he in drugs.I have one good friend but don't get to see her much because she is married I also have problems with depression
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Tameika - posted on 07/09/2014

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Hi Everyone! I completely know how ya'll feel. Lonely nights and being a 3rd wheel can be a lot to try to manage and keep smiling for your precious baby(ies). It is definitely not easy but it will test your strength and courage. It will force you to really get to know who you are. I have found that going back to school and getting into volunteering helps a great deal.

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Bleh - posted on 06/30/2014

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Guys are a little reluctant to enter a relationship with a single mom because they are afraid of the children. If you are just looking for a date, I dont think guys would mind. But if you are looking for a step father for your kids. It can be a challenge.

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Lorraine - posted on 06/26/2014

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Im a single mum for over a year and half now, I also work full time. I love my little boy to bits but am so lonely lately I never get out or have anything in common with my friends anymore, I spend most night in crying when my baby goes to bed. I used to be so confident and outgoing now just so lonely,

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Melissa - posted on 05/19/2014

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I know how u feel I am 34 and I have a 3 year old. I am legally still married but have been separated for over 4 years. I am in the process of a divorce. I have tried dating but have not met the right guy yet. I am very lonely and tired of being alone. I love my daughter more than life itself and could not imagine my life without her but I would also like to have someone to care about me and my daughter enough to want us to be his family eventually. I have friends but they all have someone and it doesn't help the loneliness watching them be happy.

David - posted on 05/19/2014

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Lexi - posted on 05/13/2014

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I know the feeling Toben Milne, I've raised my child by myself for nearly 4 years when her dad and i seperated, even though he does see her and they both adore one another. I tried dating after we separated but the guy i was with did nothing but use me and ignore me, so i stopped dating and decided to stay single so that i wont get used or hurt again. men that dont have children seem to fear the fact of being with a woman with a child, bearing in mind some women can be like that towards dating a man with a child.

It is hard to find out that the loneliness is starting to internally destroy you and wanting to be with someone starts to feel more like a dream rather than a reality, only advice i can give is don't give up on the chance to find love. I myself have started to give up as i've never had a relationship with someone who hasn't judged, hurt, used or abused me. but that is just what i have had, i do believe that there are good men and women out there, but they are hard to find, or they may feel the same as you and i and don't want to risk getting hurt over and over.

You are not alone when it comes to being a lonely single parent, i will be turning 25 this year and i know that at my age it may seem as if i have years left to find someone who would make me happy and i them, but it's whether by that time if i have fully given up or not.

Jocelyn - posted on 05/12/2014

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I have never been a single mother, or a mother at all, but I know someone who has. My boyfriend's mom. She is 45 years old, she has 6 children, ages 27, 25, 22, 19, 13, and 11. She, the 11 year old, and the 13 year old live at her 27 year old son's house that he bought, basically for her, a year ago. She and the 3 younger children's father separated a couple years ago because he cheated on her. Well, he was also losing his house while her and the 22 year old daughter, then 19-20, were spending $300-$400/month on designer clothing and jewelry and purses. She used to be hard-working, she held the same job for 12 years at a warehouse. Her right to work expired, and she was unable to renew it. She has been here (in the US) for almost 30 years, and cannot converse in English at all. She is limited to hi, bye, thank you, and shut up. In the 5 years, I have been with my boyfriend, those are the only words she has ever said in English. While it is admirable that she held a job for 12 years, in the last 10 years, she has become so dependent on other people, it is sickening. We moved out of her son's house a year ago because he was trying to charge us $50 we didn't have, when he had already agreed to $300/month for a bedroom, plus we were contributing ALL the food for everyone in the household. She was supposed to be paying $350 for her and her 2 children, but she would pay half of it and spend the rest on clothing for her and the kids. I'm talking like with a garage full of designer clothing that fit them. There was no need for it. We were taking up all the slack for her. I say all this, so you get a picture of how dependent she is on other people. She is far from an independent woman, even though she is single. My boyfriend's brother told us to pay MORE or get out. We were so fed up that we were having to pick up everything for her and the 2 underage children, we found a cheap apartment, it was all we could afford, and moved out. When we lived with them, all the bills were paid on time, there was always the food we brought into the house. Things were great...for them. She could work 3 days a month, and live in a nice 4-bedroom house, decorated how she wanted it, with a closetfuls of designer things and her nice truck. Sounds like a great life for a single woman, but it is not conducive to finding a good man. Interestingly enough, within a month of us moving out, they got on utility assistance, the pool turned green because they had no money for chlorine, there was no food in the fridge. Also interestingly, she "magically" had 4-5 days of work a week after about 10 years of working 2-4 days a MONTH. She chose not to work. I understand some single mothers cannot work, but if you can, then working will make you look a lot more attractive to a MATURE man. Because she has been allowed to live and spend without consequence for so many years, she has become very immature and self-centered, and because she has self-esteem issues, she buys clothing that does not look good on her, because she is trying to follow fashion and is desperate for attention. For example, clothing that is not right for her age, body type, or the type of men she is trying to attract. She has had 3 young men ask her out, but she is looking for a man her age, but she dresses like a 15-20 year old, and a desperate one at that. At 45, her 13 year old, who is allowed to wear whatever she wants, and loves fashion and designer clothing, dresses less trashy. Sorry for the harshness, but that is the word that comes to mind. When I can see the outline of every fat roll, sorry, it is trashy. When you have to put on a tight girdle for your dress or blouse to even zip, sorry, it is trashy. She went out on Saturday, we happened to be at their house visiting. She wore a tight magenta sequined tube top with a tight canary yellow mid thigh length skirt and 5 inch heels. 1. This outfit made her look desperate and easy, even though she is not slutty in actuality, but it is the image it creates when men see her. 2. While perfectly fashionable, albeit for a younger woman, it did not flatter her shape at all. She is 5'0'', has very broad shoulders, wears about a 34B, has about a 35 inch waist, and only about a 27 inch hip diameter. Tube tops, as you may know, make your shoulders look bigger. With a small bust and larger shoulders, that is the least flattering thing to wear. And skin tight skirts when you have small hips just accentuate how big your waist is in proportion. Not everyone has a lot of curves, and that is understandable, but even if you don't have much, you have to play it up without looking sleazy. Cap-sleeves are great for larger shoulders, and tons of sequins and skin-tight clothes do not look sophisticated on someone who is past her 20's. It is even debatable for someone who IS in their 20's. I am very voluptuous, so I have to be careful what I wear, because something that is not trampy on another woman might look bad on me. I cannot wear lowcut things without getting a lot of male attention, and purely sexual attention is not what you are looking for. I am 23, btw. So, all that said, the first thing is making sure you have self-respect. Don't dress or act desperate, or else you will attract guys that want easy and sleazy. Showing a little bit of skin to feel sexy can be fine, but don't dress in a way that screams, "Hey, look at my physical assets!" When you look in the mirror, think of this, "Is a mature man going to have a hard time looking at my face when speaking to me, because of this attire?" Some men will look no matter what you wear, but if you expect that a man that is looking for a mature relationship is going to be way too sidetracked by the neckline of your shirt or how high and tight your skirt is, you should probably go put on something more sophisticated that says, "I have confidence, but I don't like to be boring." Dress like an adult, not like a highschooler, but don't dress like a nun either, unless you are one. The other thing is independence. If you are able to work, do so. Mature men like a woman that can take care of herself, and they will not have fear that you will be just a burden if they go out with you and later start a serious relationship. If you are not able to work, don't buy a million things while it is obvious someone else is carrying you. Getting help as a single mother is fine, but don't take more help than what you truly need. This will make you look dependent and lazy. I see this all the time, not just with my bf's mom. Single women that have nice, new vehicles and tons of designer clothing, however, when you find anything out about their lives, someone else is paying all their bills. There is one word for this: opportunist. Don't fall under this category. Self-pity is easy and it is understandable that single mothers will have this, especially when they first become single, but don't wallow in it and let it change who you are. Another great point is what you say when you do talk to men. Flirting is fun, but don't overdo it. On the other hand, don't sound like Boresville either. If men are yawning a lot every time you talk to them, you may want to think of new topics or ways to speak to them. The last thing is, where are you going to socialize and potentially find a great bf? If your answer is the strip club, wrong. Try finding a place where more mature men might be. It is sort of like hunting. You would not hunt rabbits in Alaska. You should not look for a mature man in a place you will not be likely to find any.

Do not lose hope, ladies. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of good ones, at that. Just know where to find them, how to dress, and what to say. Sometimes you will get a positive response, sometimes you will not. Men can become lazy in relationships. If you look easy, you will get one night stands, but if you look like a challenge, the good men will be intrigued and chase you. It might take a little time, but there is a Mr. Right out there for you. You've just gotta use the right bait and have patience.

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