was i unreasonable, honestly?

Maggie - posted on 02/08/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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being a single mom is hard and i know that my decisions and choices have had a part in making me a single mom. i was wondering what other mothersthink about what i have done and if i was truly unreasonable. heres my story.



my boyfriend didnt want kids, and when i got prego and decided to keep it he said he would be there to support me in any deciion that i made. our first big fight was about the name. the only doctors appointment that he came to was the ultrasound to find out what we were having. when it showed that we were having a boy i was told that because it was a boy it was his god given right for his son to have his last name. he continued to say if it was a girl then he "wouldnt give a shit" but because it was a boy it had to have his last name. i told him no. i said that you should want your child to have your last name no matter if it was a gorl , boy, both or neither. it made me very upset that he thought that way and i told him that if he wanted his son to have his last name then it should be for the right reasons.



our next fight was at the hospital. prior to me going into labour, i had asked if he wanted to be in the delivery room, he said yes that he wanted to cut the cord. so i explained to him that he couldnt just sit off in the corner till it was time to cut the cord, that he was in there to be labour support, and that it was possible that me may not get to cut the cord anyways depending on the delivery. he then decided that he didnt want to be in the room with me. so i asked my best friend of 10 years to be in there with me. nothing else was brought up untill my water broke, and even then he never said anything to me, he just assumed that he was going to be in the room still with the idea he was going to sit off in the corner till it was time to cut the cord.



so i didnt let him in the room. my best friend caught a bunch of slack in the hospital from my mom and from him and his mom. she was told to just leave and let him be in the room, that i wouldnt notice anyways . thankfully she stood her ground and said that if i didnt want her there then i would tell her and untill then she wasnt leaving.



when Ryker was born shit hit the fan again. everyone was fighting and mad at each other, i on the other hand didnt know what was going on. it wasnt till after i got out of the hospital that i found out. the "sperm donar" ( my opinion is that a father is someone who raises a child and loves his child not that he just gave his sperm) came to visit the next day in the hospital for about 10 min where he told me that without him my child would grow up in a garbage bag. i said that i couldnt have him in my room but he could take Ryker to the nursery and spend time with him there, that it wasnt Rykers fault we were fighting and he deserves to have a father in his life. nope.. he just tossed him down and stormed out. after the hospital i thought that it would be best to cool down and give him tome to cool down so i went to a friends after i got out of the hospital, rather than to the house that we had bought.



he decided to change the locks on the house so i couldnt get in... i didnt have anything for me or my son except for my hospital bag. and i didnt hae any money for a lock smith to get in. anyways i havnt lived there since then, tho most of my things are still there... i ended up sleeping on a couch for the next 3 and a half months at my friends till i borrowed a bed and set up a little area of my own. he has not paid child support for over 5 months now, nor has he bought one single thing for Ryker, not a diaper or anything.



i am wondering if i over reacted to everything and i am totally to blame, or if you think that i was in line. i know its not all his fault and its not all my fault. im just looking for some input here, i want to know if my son being fatherless is all my fault.

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Eva - posted on 02/08/2009

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Maggie, I do not think you overreacted about everything. There were some fights that you could have just let be. How long have you been with this person. It must have been a while since you both puchased a home together. My advice to you right now would be to look towards the future and forget the past. Go to the sherriffs office and have one of them escort you to your old home and retrieve your property, mail etc. You should not leave your things behind. My next step if I were you is to put your baby's father in child support. Please check with yoru state to see the procedure that you need to go throught to make this happen. I am one of those people who always said I do not want my sons father to help me if he does not want to. I have had the blessing of having my mother to watch over my son while I work. I have worked 16-20 hour days to make sure that I have enough money to buy everything I need for my son. Now that my son is 4 years old, I have noticed the mistake that I have done. I have taken time away from him so that I can work and pay all the bills because his father did not want to help. I have learned that the child is not only my responsibility. For example, if I need to count on my son's father to take him out of the country then I should also count with his financial help for OUR son. You did not make this baby alone. Do it while your baby is still young. This will saye your aggrevation later on in your life.

[deleted account]

wow! You did the right thing, in protecting yourself and your baby! You have rights, use them! Get your things out of the house. If your name is on the house, he needs to buy you out, also you need to start getting him to pay child support. Now is the time to get that started! By the way you described him, you are better off not having him in your life! It will save you the heartache and your son's too. Good luck with getting everything lined up!

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22 Comments

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Blair - posted on 05/27/2009

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Sounds like a huge prick. Enjoy the best thing he had to offer, that sperm, which helped make your son. Good luck to you and Ryker.

Karmen - posted on 05/27/2009

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Some of the arguments you guys had could have been avoided but I can understand your point totally. Since he hasn't paid child support, have you gone to the attorney general in your area? They can help get support for the baby. Just keep your head up, stand up for what you believe in. Make a future for you and your son. Don't look back. Things will be fine. As for your son being fatherless, its your chance to show him how to be a great man in the future. Why would you want an "ass" teaching him all of his bad habits? Your son will be fine! You are the best teacher he can have!

Maureen - posted on 05/27/2009

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Hi Emily - may I ask if you have ever felt threatened or in dangered by any one you trust? If not, then your comment above would make sense, since the reactions regarding Maggie's comment has tell tales of someone who has been arround abusive behaviour a bit too long. A women in an abusive situation usually over reacts in some ways and under reacts to others - its called coping meganisms. All of us out of abusive relationships have them...

Maureen - posted on 05/27/2009

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Hi Emily - may I ask if you have ever felt threatened or in dangered by any one you trust? If not, then your comment above would make sense, since the reactions regarding Maggie's comment has tell tales of someone who has been arround abusive behaviour a bit too long. A women in an abusive situation usually over reacts in some ways and under reacts to others - its called coping meganisms. All of us out of abusive relationships have them...

Emily - posted on 05/26/2009

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Yeah I do think you over reacted to some things. the reason it was more important to him to have a son have his name than a daughter (and this is just a guess here) b/c to a man their name is their "legacy" and when a girl gets married, she will take her husbands name and cannot "carry on" the legacy at that point. The son, however, can b/c the woman will take his name, as will his children and so on and so forth. Also, I don't see how he "threw" the new born baby down and the child survived, and yet you mention no injuries so you are obviously exaggerating. You sound like you instantly jumped down his throat prior to him being in the delivery room and nagged him about how he was there for "labor support" (and i have no idea what the means) w/o even giving him a chance to see what he was going to do. Him changing the locks was wrong, but maybe you need to give him a call, swallow your pride (go sign him up for child support) and figure out a more stable living environment for your child. You wanted opinions from other moms, so here it is.

Christina - posted on 03/01/2009

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my daughters father refused to go with me to my first ultrasound. some guys are just immature unreasonable deadbeats.



i dont think you overreacted. make sure you get your stuff and have a good support group for help you may need.

Michelle - posted on 02/27/2009

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Hi, I don't think its all your fault. If he wanted to be in his life he would do whatever it takes to be in it. Your story is a little like mine. I do know that if you keep telling guys what they are doing wrong they will get discouraged and give up. He probably was scared like you were and didn't know how to handle it. Guys aren't like girls we were made to be strong in these situations. When i left my lil boys dad right after i found out i was pregnant he acted like that too. He move to Miami and was living it up. I couldn't afford my rent, food, Etc, Then when i called him to tell him that we had to take logan early bc of complications he said "what u want me to feel sorry for u of something" Well that was the last time i called him bc im a very prideful person. lol. but i've come to learn that if i don't cut him down so much he comes around more and wants to be a father. but hes so not that great he comes in and out of his life and it kills me that i made these choices but i keep praying that God will take care of us and i really do believe i made the right choice after the wrong choices lol. I hope that things work out with u.

Michelle - posted on 02/27/2009

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Please, don't second guess yourself.  You were responding as a hormonal mother who loves her baby.   It doesn't really matter who said what.  It is up to his father to build a relationship with his son.  That is not your responsibility.  We cannot change the past .  We can only look forward  and build a strong foundation for the future.  I believe God will put people in your precious son's life to provide all that he needs. 



What really matters now is providing the best environment to strengthen and nourish your little gift.  Continue to stay strong and don't settle for anything less than the best for you and your son!  Whatever is removed from your life will be replaced with something better! I know that you love him with all your heart.  Be encouraged and blessed! 

Jayme - posted on 02/27/2009

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Girl...you need to go thru the law and at least get your stuff out of the house. Its not your fault that your ex is an ass.

Nicole - posted on 02/15/2009

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Maggie I do not think you overreacted AT ALL. Your baby's father sounds like a complete jerk! But you certainly and have rights and so does your child. Get the authorities to escort you to your house to retrieve your things, he cannot just simply not allow you to get YOUR things back (you could also take him to court for that, but its pretty lengthy and I would imagine stressful). And get child support from him! It takes two to make a baby so it shouldnt be just one paying for him. You can go to your state department, or even do it online, and fill out an application. You can even get child support for the months that he didnt help. Although going to get child support is also a lengthy procedure its for the best of your child, so its totally worth it. I really hope that everything works out for you.

Debbie - posted on 02/14/2009

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Girl, I am happy that you stuck your ground, I think you did everything right and the sperm donor is just that.  He cannot kick you out of your own house especially with your things there, you need to call the cops to at least get your stuff.  He has no right to do that.  I sympathize with you for what you have gone through but you need to get your life back for your son and that does not include jerkoffs like your sperm donor, you and your son deserve better and I think you know that.  Believe me I went through hell and high water with my ex and do not blame myself for one minute being a single mom.  Rather be single and not have to put up with disrespecting bullshit.

[deleted account]

Hormones and All. YOU ROCK GIRL! Way to stand up for yourself and the rights of your little man, Ryker. I really hope life gets easier for you and Ryker and that you are able to get settled. Please take this man to court for SUPPORT. His history proves that if he insists on visits, he'll show once or twice, but then he'll disappear like THEY all do. Keep your head up. Remain strong. Get some counselling if you can to stay on track. Talk to a social worker to get you and Ryker set up. Take Care. God Bless. May God Bless Each Day of Your Life's Journey. xoxo

Sarah - posted on 02/11/2009

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Oh, being a single mom is sooo hard. And of course the decisions we make in life get us into the situations we find ourselves in. You can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. Although people can be very provocative, it is up to each individual how we chose to respond. You did NOTHING wrong. Just make sure that you and your little baby are always safe!! And follow your instincts. One thing I have learned from being a single mom...is to trust myself, and know that I AM capable of being strong enough for 2, even though sometimes it seems impossible. Stay strong...and don't forget to love yourself!!

Demetria - posted on 02/11/2009

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I think the fight about the childs last name was unreasonable Although stupid, most men feel that way about boy children. But dont beat yourself up because it takes two to tango. We all make mistakes. I wouldn,t leave my home though. And if you are on the lease it is illegal for him to lock you out. Go with the police to get in. Most likely they will ask him to leave and let you have the house.

Nickie - posted on 02/10/2009

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100% did the right thing. You were only allowing time to cool down on both ends. A new baby doesn't need to be around a lot of stress. And that sounds like a lot of stress in that house. Stand your ground now you know who he is. Look to the future and raise your son to be a strong respectful man. Keep your head up and take it one day at a time. You'll find someone who'll love you and your little man 100%.

Sarah - posted on 02/10/2009

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dont be ridiculouse it was not all your fault.in every situation there is two sides to the story but as i see it he had his fare share of the breakdown in the relationship.mt daughters father and i split up when she was 3 months old shes now 14 months and i know he had his problems but i have often wondered if i'd done this or that differently would we still be together.in the end he changed the locks on you and didnt want to take part in your sons life.don't beat yourself up sometimes the right thing for you and your son is the hardest thing to actually do.keep your head up and thank god you have amazing friends that are there for you.love is the most important thing for your baby and it sounds like he's getting spoilt with it regardless of his father

Sarah - posted on 02/09/2009

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how have u not smacked him. my little boys dad doesn't see him anymore after he kept saying he was to busy but then had time to find a girlfriend and go out drinking with his mates and taking her 4 yr old son out places. i wanted him to be a father so much and bent over backwards. he showed no interest in the pregnancy didn't want james never came to any appointments not even the ultrasounds. kept going on about dna tests even tho he knew he was the father and when i said i was in labour he told everyone he was having a baby i gave my son his dads surname and it was the biggest mistake. i'm now looking in to having it changed to mine

Bisa - posted on 02/08/2009

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There was no reason for him to be in the hospital room if he was not going to be there for you! Seriously, in the corner...why would he want to be there? He has issues. I do not see you were unreasonable at all. Just the opposite really. Get the child support and just remember to notate EVERYTHING!

Aleycia - posted on 02/08/2009

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Sounds like you did the right thing. Some of the fights probably could have been avoided but what woman is rational during pregnancy, let alone labor and after delivery. You need to get your things from the house and file a support order. Good luck.

Toni - posted on 02/08/2009

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oh god he sounds like an absolute dog congradulations for being a single mum, live for the future and forget the past

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