what am i supposed to tell her when she grows up?

Mary Gail - posted on 11/11/2010

First of all, relax because she is still a baby. What will happen is, over time, as she grows, she will begin to ask questions. You have to gauge it all off of that. For example, I always told my son that his Father loved him. It is the truth even if he didn't turn out to be a true father, but nevertheless, in his own way, he loves his son. Your circumstance may differ; I don't know. What ends up happening is, as they grow up, and feel & see what you do for them, they learn the real you. Another example, my son is now in college. His father somehow went behind my son's back to find out his college grades when he did not have my son's approval. Then, he confronted my son about it when he isn't paying one dime of his college education! My son "sees" this and understands more about his "father." I didn't like sending my son to see his Dad, but because a child naturally loves both, I did. There were some difficult times, but again, me raising my son and him seeing me for who I was every day caused him to understand what was going on. You have to be honest with your child, but when they are ready. Yes, my ex struck me. Yes, my ex had an affair, but my son only learned of this as I knew, in my heart, that he was ready. Just like you watch your daughter start to rock back and forth or roll around and then begin to crawl, you'll know these things about what to say and when. She will amaze you because she will figure things out you didn't think possible. You are a good Mom I can tell. You want to tell her the truth on things. Trust your heart and follow it. One day, my son and I were watching a video. He was no more than eight. I said "did you see that?" He said "no," so I rewound the tape (old school, huh?) and showed him that even though it was dark outside, the clock's time had not changed. I told him that this is the way it is with his Dad and me. We are both "watching" the same tape, but saw two entirely different things. I told him his Dad may say one thing, but that I left his Dad because of Marie (girl he had affair with). This was all my son needed to know at that time. Like I said, as they grow/mature/have more exposure to their Dad, they see things too. So, for now, just relax about it. You worry because you love her so much. You'll do fine - trust me. Again, I encourage you to find a good church home. I couldn't have made it without it.

Joey - posted on 11/11/2010

i know what you are going through my mom was also a single mom and she didn;t tell me anything about my dad, what i learned was from her dad when he was drunk. But my situation is a little unique i going to tell her little by little and when she gets older like 13 or 12 when ever i do the sex talk i will tell her the whole story.

Mary Gail - posted on 11/09/2010

Sam - I have been in your shoes. My son is now 19. My suggestion is to tell your child the truth, but only in emotional terms they can understand. Never say anything about their father in anger. Always tell them they came from love. It is not their fault that you guys couldn't work it out, and children tend to think everything is their fault even when it is not. My son was 18 months old when we separated and then divorced. As he aged, he thought it was all because of him. If your ex is a deadbeat, your child will see this. You cannot stop them from loving your ex. Every child does this and don't feel threatened or afraid. But, if you remain true to your child and if your choices were poor in choosing your child's father, the child will eventually see this. But, if by some miracle your ex changes and becomes a decent person, you have to see this in your ex. Looking back over the years, I realized my heart was not completely over the hurt and even though I tried, I still put my son in the middle. Try desperately not to do this to your child. It hurts them enough already because they do miss each parent when the other one is not around them. Always be there for your daughter. Listen to her - not your heart - when she is looking for answers and then speak to her with compassion. Good luck! You can do it! I did it successfully and have a son who is a growing to be a good man through the grace of God. Put your child first above any relationship. She is your focus now. It can be lonely at times for you, but it is important that you are there for her.

LaNetta - posted on 11/08/2010

As long as everything that you tell your daughter is the truth, then do not worry about it. Just remember not to talk bad about him. Let her form her own opinion about her father from what she sees, experiences, and hears from him. When she grows up, she will not blame you or herself, she will realize that sometimes it just was not meant to be. I was in the same situation with my children while they were growing up and they saw, experienced, heard everything that was done to them and to me and they formed their own opinion about the situations at hand. I never talked their father down or bad-mouthed him around them and I would not allow others to do this around them either, because I wanted my children to form their own opinion about their father without my or other's influence. This worked out in my favor and they saw their father for the person that he was. They also saw that I did my best to make sure that all of their needs (real and imagined) were met and that their most precious wants were fulfilled. If their father made them promises, I made sure that those promises were also fulfilled to the best of my ability. They grew up knowing that I cared for and loved them unconditionally and would do anything for them in my power. Pray with your children and I will keep you in my prayers as well.

Amy - posted on 11/08/2010

Not sure how old you child is but tell her what you can. When she is old enough and asks questions tell her the truth. Reinforce to her that things were not her fault. You might consider having her talk to a counselor I know it helped my daughter but she had alot of issues happen to her at the same time her dad left. To Melissa, It is hard and the age diffence in your children will be hard beucase your 11 year old will understand alot more of what is going on. Be as truthful as you can without making dad out to be a band guy. Sometimes they can do that all by themselves. Find a good friend to talk to if they havent been through it sometimes it helps to talk to someone that has. Another option talk to counselor yourself. It helps to have a sounding board that is impartal. If either of you need an ear I have two good ones. Amy

Shelly - posted on 11/08/2010

This discussion is very helpful to me as well. My son is 10months old and I often wonder what I would say to him when he gets older and asks about his father. His father loves him but has chosen to make other things (i.e. hanging out with friends, partying)...more important than having a family.I have started a journal that outlines the history that my son's father and I shared. We loved each other at some point and my son should know that he was born out of love...Its unfortunate that his father couldn't handle the responsibility and hasn't made an effort to better his life for the sake of our son...But I am trying to do what is best for my son and myself.Its still scary to think of what his reaction would be.

Sara - posted on 11/02/2010

My kids were very young and my Ex was abusive when I divorced, while I'm not going to tell my kids all the sordid details of why we split I've been open with them ( they're 8 & 7 ) "Mommy and Daddy fought a lot when we were together so we decided we could be a better mommy and daddy apart. We both love you very much , and we love each other, just not enough to live together and be married". This is all true, but it don't put anything undue on them.

Jennifer - posted on 10/30/2010

I'm going to be going through the same thing in a few years. I left my sons father 2 weeks before I found out I was pregnant. When I told him he freaked out and went back and forth on accepting he was the father. I tried being civil and understanding with him at first but after his mom threatened me and he defended her I told him I was done and he would have to take me to court to have anything to do with him, I'm not even hitting him up for child support. I don't know what your situation is but he hasn't tried to get a lawyer or anything and so I'm 99.9% sure he'll never meet him. I've already come to terms that it's going to be hard but we'll be better off in the end. I've promised myself that if and when my son asks about him, when he's old enough to understand, I will tell him the truth and pray that he doesn't hate me for it and if he decides he wants to find him I'll will do everything in my power to contact him. I never met my bio father and my mom refused to tell me anything about him and I resented her for years for it. I finally decided that I am fine without him and I appreciate my step-dad alot more for coming into our lives and loving me like his own. Don't know if this will help or not but good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Belinda - posted on 10/29/2010

I grew up with a single mom...my dad lived close but chose not to visit...he remarried and had more kids...I saw him a few times over the years...I never...ever hated my mom. I don't care for my dad to thisday...he lives 10 minutes away...never see or talk to him. My mom remarried my senior year...that man is more of a father to me. I'm 35.
I am now a single mom..my sons dad didn't want kids..oops...he pays child support and carries insurance...other than that...not in the picture. I don't ever talk bad about him...but my son has asked about him...I exlain that he didn't want kids...then tell my son how much I love him and so does his family....aunts cousins...he is 10 and is doing well with this knowledge.

Jennifer - posted on 10/29/2010

@ Melissa - Same thing goes Hun. Your kids are a bit older and so with the 11 year old it'll be more delicate. But whatever you do don't badmouth their dad. If you tell them why he left then you become the bad guy, if he hooks up with someone else and they see it and see how he changed and will continue to change from the man he used to be, then he takes on that responsibility in their mind. "Dad needed a break from me." "We're going to try to be friends again" Boils down to loving your kids and not being angry and bitter, because that comes out in everything you do. If you need to talk out what's going on, do it with your mom, or a close friend, but make sure the kids don't hear it. They'll cling to the positive parent that you are and appreciate you later for it. And hey, when my husband did something similar, I wrote abou t what I was feeling. You can message me anytime if you want to vent. ~Jen

Melissa - posted on 10/28/2010

I've recently become a single mother; my husband has asked for a divorce after admitting to cheating. How do you explain to an 11 and 4 year old why their parents aren't together any more? How do you explain why their father has abandoned his wife and children?

Amanda - posted on 10/28/2010

avoid talking negatively about her father. when she is an adult you can explain things if she wants to hear them, but for now it will only be upsetting and confusing.

Jennifer - posted on 10/28/2010

I didnt meet my dad until last week and I am 27. My mom told me that he was not ready to be a father, he loved children, but could not handle full time responsibility. She left it at that. She never ever bad mouthed him. Turns out my dad was into drugs and was/is a severe alcoholic. I met him and we're getting to know each other but my mom was right to keep me away. I dont blame her at all. I see him and know me life would have been horrible due to the drinking and drugs. I know it's not my fault because I was a child and he was the adult. he tried to guilt trip me and ask why I didnt find him sooner. I almost let him get me and then I said "Hey dad I lived in the same house for 23 years, I was easier to find and I tried. Works both ways" Just love your daughter and she'll be fine

Tonja - posted on 10/27/2010

Be honest with her. Just give her the answere to what she asks you for. Let her know that it wasn't her fault that you and her father are not together. I left my youngest son's father because it was better for me and my children. You have to do what is best for you and her. Don't worry about who she is gooing to blame. Enjoy her and raise her to be the best she can be. God bless you and your daughter.

Vanessa - posted on 10/25/2010

Give the watered down version of the truth eg. "Daddy decided that it was ok to kiss other women while he was still married to mummy - which isn't cool is it? So he made his choice to go and be happy with Erica. We may not like his descision, but he's happy and it was all his choice - so we have to respect that even if it hurts us. He loves you, but has chosen to live somewhere else away from us so that he can be happy."
Worked perfectly with my son!

Autumn - posted on 10/25/2010

She may blame herself, but you can help her threw it. My mother was a single mom and no matter how much crap my father did she never talked bad about him. The exception to that, I would think, is if he were a danger for your child to be around and know. The truth is that I have a stronger bond with my mother because she was honest with me. All your child really needs to know is that she is wanted and Loved and that no matter what She is NOT to blame for anything. You will get threw it just keep your head up.

Morgan - posted on 10/25/2010

My mom was (and is again) a single mom and I never blamed her because she always tried with my biological father for my relationship with him. I don't know if your daughter will blame hersef, but for me after my step-dad moved out I blamed myself because if it wasn't for me my mom would have dated my bio. father longer and so I thought it was my fault again.. She will probably need someone to talk to (besides you, your friends, or her friends) who she can confide in and knows they won't tell you... Never talk down about her father to her, do that to your friends where she cannot hear and if someday she tells you she doesn't like him/respect him/etc and she wants to know the complete truth (I did this) let her know tid bits but hold most until she is an adult.. I hope I helped