What do I do about phone conversations from a father who doesn't visit?

Rita_2_davey - posted on 09/03/2010

As long as your son is wanting to talk to his dad by all means let him. If you tell him he can't talk to him anymore it will leave a scar on your son. You son wants connection with him. It may be possible in the future that he may see him. If this doesn't happen at least your son had the joy of speaking with him and knowing him by phone. Taking away his privledges may only go against you later, its amazing how childrens' minds' react to different situations. Take care and I do hope this helps.

Debbie - posted on 09/03/2010

hi single mum and raised four by myself when I left their dad and after the games stopped I never stopped the kids talking to their dad dont stress they will make their own mind up when the time is right the games men play grrrr

Dustene - posted on 09/03/2010

i wuldnt cut the phone contact...when my son did hve contact with his father is was mostly over the phone and i wuld always have it on speaker phone so i could monitor wat was being sed as i didnt trust tht my ex wuldnt make empty promises...the phone calls stopped wen i told him tht he wuld need to explain to his son why daddy didnt visit him anymore

Billie - posted on 08/30/2010

I wouldn't cut the conversations off. There is some regular contact even if it's not face to face. If he asks why he doesn't see his daddy, I'd simply tell him to ask daddy the next time he calls and let his father explain himself. This isn't for you to take on your shoulders. They're speaking and it's up to them to work out the terms of their relationship however that goes. Hard thing to accept that we can't and shouldn't protect our babies from everything. Best of luck mama

Lidia - posted on 08/30/2010

Easy. "Honey, your daddy is a phone daddy. Meaning daddy can talk to you on the phone, but not see you a lot." But, why Mommy? "Because, baby, daddy works a lot." Well I don't want daddy to work a lot. "It's what your father chooses to do." Put it where it belongs, on him, not you. Let him have the burden of explaining. And saying he's "working" isn't a lie. Because baby daddy is obviously working on something ex, project, life, a girlfriend, a job, etc whatever to not be able to make time for his son. Let your son have his memories. Let him have his phone calls with his father - as long as your ex isn't bashing you, making empty promises for toys, trips, visits, etc, not trying to tell your son that child support is for your son to go to the store and buy toys, trying to convince your son to call the new girlfriend mom etc. Then it's okay. As long as it's a positive experience for your son, and does not cause your son to act out badly after the phone calls. Then don't cut it off. If there are behavior issues after speaking to his dad, let them talk every other week or something and explain to your ex what is going on, and have your ex have a conversation with your son about his behavior.

Sarah - posted on 08/30/2010

The only thing with cutting the conversations off is the resentment that the child might have when age comes a factor..Daddy might not be there but he is making a effort and that is the first step..he might be scared to face his son for a personal emotional reason... We all have fears.. maybe his is of not being a good enough father.

Phynx - posted on 08/30/2010

If I can be so bold to make my suggestion. Sometimes in life relationships don't always look the way we want them to. And even grown ups don't always reach the level of responsibility or maturity we'd like them to. With that said, your son seems to want to know his father. Dad has some issues to resolve that have nothing to do with you, and a lot to do with emotional intimacy. The phone calls don't hurt him, and it's far better than nothing at all. Keep the connection, focus on what he's doing right and maybe in the future, he'll be able to be present physically. The important thing is that they are still connected, and that is so vital to them both. I appreciate it's difficult for you when your son asks questions, and maybe you feel dad ought to be there in person.... and it's always okay to tell our children that we don't know the answer to something. If he asks why he doesn't see his dad, or why dad doesn't come to see him, just be kind and let him know that his dad love him very much, and when he can visit in person he will... just my humble advice. Good luck