What do I do when my son always comes back with bad rashes from being with his father for just a few hours

Jocelyn - posted on 09/05/2012

Courts don't care because this isn't an issue that requires court intervention. To us mothers it comes somewhat naturally to think of our children's needs. Inherently we are nurturers. I always know when my son needs to eat, rest, or potty. I take care of his needs. Men are intrinsically providers and protectors. When fathers are with their children, they don't think of their children's needs. They only think "I love this little person. I want to play with him!" and then continue to spend hours upon hours playing, rather clueless to the child's needs. You spend 24/7 with your son, and you know your son better than anyone else in the world... he doesn't. He doesn't know what your son's schedule is like. Unless he has prior experience with young children then he doesn't know how often to feed or change him. (Your notes and directions fall on deaf ears when he is in the moment, enjoying playing with his child.. Especially if they are given from the point of view of your comments that he must be neglectful, dumb without any common sense, and ill equipped to take care of your child.) What's common sense to us simply isn't instinctive to fathers. It's easy to think the worst when your child is not with you and comes home with rashes. It's much harder to see things from another person's perspective (and nearly impossible when that someone is your ex).

Jocelyn - posted on 09/05/2012

It's common mommy sense to change diapers often. I believe an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure; it's so much easier to prevent rashes than spend a week meticulously watching, changing, airing, and helping the rash heal. I am surprised no one has pointed out that this is not how men or fathers think. Typically men live in the moment; consequences in the unforeseen future remain unforeseen, such as rashes from not changing baby. "Neglect"is a word that should be handled based on the man's personality and history, not based on diaper rashes. I would save that word for if you suspect he is letting your child play completely unsupervised, meaning he is not in the same room or on the same premises but from what you've said about him arranging rides to pick him up, and seeing him weekly I am inclined to think he is cherishing the just five hours he has with his son, and like most fathers, diaper changing is the last thing on his mind. Why would he go out of his way to see his son, then spend five hours smoking and ignoring him? When talking to him about it, I would suggest taking this approach and understanding that he is a man, he loves his son, and he just isn't thinking about diapers. Be kind and respectful, then offer to send him a text message every two hours to remind him about diaper changes to help him. Explain that it's not to be nit-picky, but just for the well-being of his son. He probably doesn't change his diaper at all so he may not have even seen the rash and think you're exaggerating. Take photos and videos of how much it pains your child and he will be more understanding. Work with him, not against him, and you will get better results. Good luck.

Alaina - posted on 09/04/2012

About the only thing here that I've seen that makes a lick of sense so far is that if he can't take care of the kid's diaper for 5 hrs, shorten up the visitations to 2 hours. That's provided the court will let you do that, and then 5 hrs aren't ordered. Otherwise, bring the courts in.



As for the rest, get a clue and quit the whining. I mean seriously... Omg, he had my kid outside for 2 hours, in the heat and it's hot out? Do you think that the human race made it this far on air conditioning the whole time?? I suppose not. His car doesn't have AC? I mean wow, cut the guy some slack. He is there for his kid, which is much more than can be said for many Dads out there, and it does sound like he is trying in his own way. I can assure you that if you are nit picking him to death, beating him down, and lecturing him much like you've done in this post, it's probably going to get worse rather than better.



Work with what you have, and focus on fixing the small stuff. Like it or not, he is the father.

Jane - posted on 09/02/2012

I used to have the same with my son and his father - so I stopped him having unsupervised contact, which he didn't turn up to so he stopped having any contact at all. My son would come back reeking of cigarette smoke, with a soaking nappy, thirsty, hungry and miserable. He wouldn't listen to my requests for him to look after our son better - always made excuses and it was never his fault (according to him)!



Of course it was easy because he didn't fight it or anything - and he never paid any maintenance. He could have taken me to court, but that would have meant him giving a rats arse, so was never really an option! :)

Kendra - posted on 08/12/2012

As far as diper rash if you can prove it because of neglect you may be able to do something. As far as child support and visitation they really don't go hand in hand as far as I know but if he is paying through the state make sure your case worker is aware of what is happening.

Kathia - posted on 08/10/2012

you can try going to court but their probably gonna say that kids play and get rashes,fall etc thats just gonna frustrate best bet is if the father isnt interested take him to the doctor!!!

Suni - posted on 08/05/2012

About the rash; you can put antibiotic cream (like neosporen) & let him run around diaperless for about an hour. It should start clearing up..sometimes diaper cream holds in moisture instead of protecting the skin. - the other stuff is complex depending on the state ur in..like here in TX they don't usually take action until after 3 mos of non payment. You would have to consult ur attorney about the visitation.

Indrani - posted on 08/05/2012

You need to seek help right away. Talk to your child's doctor now!

Sarah - posted on 08/01/2012

Heather is right... The courts will not do much for a rash unless your doctor includes neglect in his medical files. You would have to have a long list of issues. The best bet would be to hold off visitation and not let him have your son. He would have to have the resources and will to take you back to court for enforcement. I think even small bruises can be excused away by "kids will be kids", "kids fall down"...

It is frustrating. My daughter's father is in his 30s and is retarded when it comes to the basic principles of taking care of a child. But since he doesn't abuse her/ no true neglect there's nothing I can do. My daughter comes home and tells me things like I didn't need to take a bath because I went into the swimming pool instead... she has a horrible case of exzema and not bathing after a chlorinated pool leaves her skin covered from head to toe with red itchy bumps... that sometimes blister... I get on to him.. but there is nothing I can really do.

Thats why I suggest getting CPS involved if you really think his place isn't "liveable" or you think CPS would consider his actions to be true neglect. CPS will bring it to the courts attention if they believe the child is truly in danger and the courts will be much more likely to act.

Heather - posted on 08/01/2012

On the rash part I just went through the same thing and in my county the court did not care!!! In fact My GAL did not care even about the bruises on his body even though the Dr hotlined his dad ! I would document EVERYTHING!!!!!! NOW A DAYS the judges lean more towards the dads even though they are a piece of crap !!!!!!!!!

Kristin - posted on 07/30/2012

Amie,

If it really is that bad than take your son to the doctor and document everything, then take your ex back to court and let the judge decide as to whether or not he will get supervised visits. It is frustrating I know and your right the system does like to keep both parents in the childs life. Maybe ask your ex if he even wants his son for a few hours here and there and if you dont need the support see if he will be willing to give up his parental rights and you wont have to deal with him anymore. Keep strong it will all work out

Amie - posted on 07/30/2012

I let my son play outside but not in a wet diaper, he had never had a bad rash like that with me. I put sunscreen on my son and everything, his father will not. I understand my son will come back with bumps and bruises but he doesnt need to be coming back to me with rashes and scars and such. i'm just very angry at how little the system does to keep children safe from, not BAD PARENTS! but people who are not equipped to care for a young child who cant talk yet, in all just dumb people with no common sense.

I dont do everything to the core, I slack here and there but never have I let my son have harm done to him, and I have him 24/7, I just dont see how his father has such a hard time with just a few hours once a week. He must really not be watching my son, probably in the back yard smoking while god knows what my son does the whole time. and i know i cant have a say in what he does, im not there... but really theres nothing I can do but complain.

Kristin - posted on 07/30/2012

I would cut back on visitation with his father. It is hard to believe a baby can get a rash that bad in a span of 5 hours though. My kids all played in the heat in their diapers and never had a rash so maybe there is something more serious going on with your son and i would advise taking him to the doctor asap. Just because his car does not have AC does not mean he is being a bad parent at least he will drive to come get his son, also you may not like it but letting your kids play outside is not bad parenting. I live in Canada and in summer it can get up to +35 degrees celsius and I will let my kids play outside with hats sunscreen etc. My youngest is 16 months and she plays outside all day with a hat on and yes they get dirty and sweaty thats what being a kid is about which is why they get baths everyday. I understand your frustration but I think you really need to lighten up a little and if you feel he is neglecting or hariming your child than let him take you to court. But be aware that just because he may not do things the way you do it does not neccessarily equal bad parenting, My ex parents differently than I do and i hate it but he has rights to the kids same as I do and I have to put aside all my feelings of my ex to the side and be civil to him to benefit my kids. I thank god he only takes them for a weekend once a year and sometimes not even that,

Sarah - posted on 07/30/2012

I can hear your frustration as I read this... I have so been there... If it really is that bad... don't take him to his visitation. If he can't find a way to get to your house by whatever time he is supposed to pick him up, inform him he has missed his visitation that day. LIke I said, you do not have to allow him visitation. If he takes you back to court, what's the worst that can happen? The judge will reprimand you, ask why, and you will have the opportunity to hand over your documentation and let the judge see why you withheld his visitation.

Document, document, document. Take him to the doctor if you have good health insurance and can afford it. That would make it into his medical record and if the doctor makes a note that his condition was a "severe" that shows more than just thoughtlessness, that shows neglect.

You could also "anonymously" call CPS and let them visit him while he has the baby.... The only problem is once you call CPS, they will look into you so make sure you have it together 100%.

Amie - posted on 07/30/2012

I plan things with my son so he cant take him that much but for visitation he only asked for 2 days a week for 5 hours, and he doesnt even take him twice a week most of the time. His car doesnt have a/c either so I tell him get someone else to pick him up, get your car fixed, I sometimes drive our son to his visitation so my son doesnt have to suffer through this heat. Its been 100 + degrees and his father drives a crappy 2 door car. The father has a very dirty apartment, my son comes back with dirty filthy socks, he usually came home sweaty. I asked how could our son get this bad rash on his genital area, usually its the butt, and the father says "well I did let him play outside for 2 hours" in 100 degree weather! maybe for a kid but not for a baby who has a diaper on, my son got the bad rash cause his diaper was wet and his bum father let him run around in the heat. His diaper of course rubbed and caused this bad rash. Now i have to take care of it, this visitation crap only makes it difficult and bad for my son, nothing good has come of this visitation his father is a total bum. Even when I called the father he wasn't concerned at all and was like sorry. Courts wont do anything unless the child is being physically beaten by the father, I know they will just shrug this crap off, We went to court once and the lady did not care what I had to say. I document everything and I will begin to take pictures of any harm to my baby. Looks like a lawyer may be in my future if this continues.
I can't believe no one can do anything about this. I threatened to shorten the visitation if the father cant take care of my baby for just 5 freaking hours. Maybe he wont mess up with 2 hour visitation, I also tell him what to do and how to take care of our baby, he doesnt listen and doesnt care.

Sarah - posted on 07/30/2012

I went through this with my daughter every single visit. I told him over and over and over... I even took pictures when it was really bad... like when he dropped her off in a soaking wet diaper and her pants, shirt, etc was sopping wet because he didn't change her. She would have the worst diaper rashes... it would blister, it would bleed. It would take weeks to go away. I am the type that slathered diaper rash cream on her bottom every time I change her diaper so I was more than mortified. I paid over $20K for my divorce and if I wanted to file an enforcement motion it would cost at least another $5k.

You do have to let your child have visitation even if you ex doesn't pay his child support... but if you you tell your ex I am not going to let him come to your house anymore because you are not adequately caring for our child and these horrible diaper rashes are an example of that... he would have to take you to court to enforce it. Does he have the resources to do that? Sounds harsh... but I wish I did more of that when my daughter was younger.

Michelle - posted on 07/29/2012

take pictures document and take him to the dr. so the dr. can see the rash, if you have a visitation agreement then you have to stick to it until you see a lawyer.