what do you say when your child ask about there father?

Kim - posted on 03/08/2010 ( 45 moms have responded )

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the father of my son was always say that alex wasnt his and that he wanted nothing to do with him..he saw alex about 3 times but for over a month he hasnt call or anything so i called him to see what was up and how come he wasnt giving me money and he said his family was having "problems" but i found out that he was to busy paying someone to have sexy with him to come by and see him, so when i talk to him he told me that alex was only my son and he didn't want anything to do with him, so what should i say when alex ask me why he doesn't have a real father?

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Alice - posted on 03/12/2010

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As hard of a subject as this is for any single mother, I think the simplest idea should do it: the truth. And I'm not talking about being explicitly honest so that the child knows every detail of what transpired between the father and yourself. For example, in the last two to three months my son has learned the different types of family members that are in a family unit. He used to ask then as he does now about his daddy. At first I didn't know what to tell him. And then I decided to stick with my original plan of being true to my son. I tell him that he has a father; I emphasis on father rather than daddy, because I believe that it takes someone special to be a daddy whereas anyone can become a father. The reason I emphasize on the father name tag is because, should one day I meet someone who deems my son and I special to be included in their life, that my son can have the kind of affect to call that man "daddy". Another thing that I've decided is to absolutely not tell any sort of stories about his father, because that will reflect on my integrity. Why lie about someone if it's not worth it? Though it would seemingly make things easier to tell him even now that his father isn't amongst the living, it's a lie I'd have to live with and should he found the truth out completely I would be the source of betrayal to my son. So to remedy this I tell my son, that his father lives in another state far, far away. I've even started to save money so that when my son is old enough and want to find his father that he'll have the chance to ask why his father didn't care for him in anyway. There's no way that I could even fathom to understand my ex's behavior/demeanor but at least my son can be afforded a chance to pick the brain that I couldn't. Hope this helps.

Olivia - posted on 11/10/2011

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Tell him he does a real father but that his father doesn't know how to be a father right now and thats why he doesn't see him and go after him for child support. I'm not saying this with sarcasm or to be mean. I have a stepdaughter who's mother hasn't seen her since she was four. she asked me the same question and I told her the same thing I told you to. she also asked me if her mother loves her and I told her yes she just doesn't know how to show her she loves her, and it is true. If his father knew how to be a father he would be one for him. Telling him this is going to let him know it's not his fault that his dad isn't with him and he is still loved although his father doesn't know how to show him he loves him. I hope this helps and I pray everything works out for you and your precious little boy :)

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Lelani - posted on 01/09/2014

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My husband has two kids and he doesn't have contact with either of them because the mom won't let him see them and has moved away and won't tell him where they are. He really misses them and want to be a part of their lives. I always wonder if they ask about him and what she tells them. Life isn't fair. He is a good dad (to our baby boy as well) and he deserves to see his kids.

Rousalia - posted on 03/18/2010

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Khaled (my son) is 5 years old now and he ever asked me where's his daddy ... And i told him the truth that his daddy lives in his country (we're living in different country) and working there. Well, so far he never asked me other question. His father only visited him 3 times since he was born and gave support only if being asked n the last support he gave i think 2 years back ... So, my son knows he has father but never look for him for now ...
In my opinion, try d best you can to be honest with ur son about his daddy and never talk bad about him regardless
The best part of my son that he doesnt wanna hurt me by asking lots about his daddy and even he never asked me why he his daddy never exist while others do ...

Donna - posted on 03/17/2010

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here's my situation: my boyfriend and i broke up without me knowing that i was already pregnant.. i broke up with him because he has another girl.. i told him about it.. i had an impression that he didn't want to have a baby yet so i got angry at him.. after that, he never contacted me again... after a year or so, i found out that he's already married and had a son, just 2 months after my baby was born..

recently, he contacted me again.. i'm not angry at him anymore and i also let him see my daughter's picture... he said he also love us as much as he love his family.. he also wanted to support us.. i won't ask for more and i'm happy how things are.. i just hope that my baby will understand that his father can't be with us...

Gilda - posted on 03/15/2010

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I used to tell them that he was working or busy until one day the oldest asked "if he works so much why he is not helping you?" and since then I don't make up stories. Just try to be as honest as you can be....everybody is different, you will know what your kids can handle and what they can not.

Shannon - posted on 03/15/2010

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Luckily, another man stepped in for my son. He has been there since he was born. It is so sad that men do things like this. When my son wants to know about his biological father I will tell him, I said that I wasn't going to slander his name, I was going to be civilized about it, and I will. It is his loss. When these babies grow up and become famous or very successful, these no good daddies will realize that they have made a mistake. And I dare his sperm donor to claim him then. I'm going to do some damage control, and I'm not going to jail. But just ignore him. If he don't want to do for the baby, hey don't make him. You can go right to child support and you don't have to look at his face at all. Men make me sick with this kind of mess.

Lynsey - posted on 03/15/2010

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my daughters father is non existent too so when she asks about him i tell her he is at work or busy i figure she will figure out what type of man he is on her own and i dont need to be the one to tell her what a piece of shit father she has cause when he grows up and chooses to b a dad itll be too late.... just keep positive remind him he has a dad and hell decide on his own one day too

Amber - posted on 03/15/2010

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my son is only 2 years old. His father left us when he was only 4 months old. He has no idea what a daddy is yet. So I guess I am lucky so far with that. I have been seeing my new boyfriend for a year now. He has a 3 year old daughter who lives with him. Since she calls him daddy my little one is starting to also call him daddy. I am not going to tell my son that he is not daddy until he is old enough to understand that his real father didn't want him.

I just went looking for a new daddy for my son and so far it has been the best choose for us. Anyone can father a child but it takes a special person to be daddy to someone else's child.

Anisa - posted on 03/15/2010

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It is not your baby's fault in the first place, so your son HAS the right to know the truth. In my opinion, the father is being very immature, you could offer him a DNA test. You can go to affordable lab test clinics. Just go online, get the information and share it with him. Without documented proof that he is the father and you did your part as a mother, then you will get better results in the end. Because all the father is doing is being selfish (in the future he'll regret it)...I hope this was enough help : ) im in a more difficult situation: i have a restraining order against my baby's father because of domestic violence and i still have to tell my baby. and i'm only 2 months expecting : /

LAVETRA - posted on 03/14/2010

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LET ALEX KNOW THAT HE DOES HAVE A REAL FATHER. ONE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE HIM OR FORSAKE. HE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR HIM. YOU HAVE TO TEACH HIM ABOUT THE LOVE OF GOD. GOD'S LOVE OUT WEIGHS ANYONE ELSE'S.

Bel - posted on 03/14/2010

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I am just honest with my boys about it and in the long run they will respect you more for being honest with them. The info you give them should not put him down though.

Hilary - posted on 03/14/2010

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My son's father left him for the last time when Zach was 2 1/2. He has asked "Why doesn't my Dad love me anymore". I just try to remain as positive as i can. I will say " He does love you, he just doesnt know how to be a good father". I never talk bad about him, I want my son to come to that conclusion on his own. I honestly feel that it is best to not drag your sons father into the role of being a dad. It wont do anyone any good. He has to want to do it on his own. Most likely, as long as you surround your son with people who love you both and care for you, he will be happy without his dad. i recommend being honest, because when a child finds out that their parent has lied to them, it can really break the necessary bond of trust. Especially as a single parent, it is important for your child to know you are always going to be there for him.

Donna - posted on 03/14/2010

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i'm also worried what to tell my daughter if she'll ask where her father is... =

Lacie - posted on 03/13/2010

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The father of my daughter got out of prison when i got with him a month later i found out i was pregnant.. Ever since she was born he says he isnt the father. He hasnt seen her once. Not once has he helped with anything..

Gabriela - posted on 03/13/2010

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I was almost in the same situation and all I would tell my son was that me and he's Dad were very young and that He's Dad had to go back to school to get a better carreer and to support us but that with time we grew so apart that we each went our own seperate ways. My son doesn't Hate him and Im very glad that he doesn't have to carry that burden. My son is now 16 just being a teen with such a positve attitude. Now when my son ask me I do let know more about it and I steel tell him not to worry much to just concentrate about the future and what he wants for him self to always be a better person than me and his father. Don't ever feel stuck in your tough questions try to always answer with a positve answer where you don't end up hurting your child emotionally or mentally always positive.

Helene - posted on 03/13/2010

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Kim, I know how you feel, What i did when my ex husband decided not to contact the kids, i waited for them the say something to me, When they finally asked where he was, i told them he was confused right now but loves you and will be in contact soon. That was 10 yrs ago. when the kids reached 15 and asked again, i was told by my son and daughter to stop protecting him. what it allcomes down too is dont put him down in front of the kids and always tellthemheloves them, just has a strange way of showing it. the kdis will soon make upthere own minds, and wont hate you for what you said about there dad/father. remember, any male can be a father, but only a real special man can be dad

Shannon - posted on 03/13/2010

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My son's father is there when he wants to be. He is very full of empty promises though. With my son only being 1 1/2 there are no questions yet but im waiting for the day.I'll tell him the truth. His father is a semi driver and can see him at any time as long as he calls mommy. I have a picture of him and his phone number. when my son gets old enough I will encourage him to write down his questions for his dad so that when he sees him he can ask him. Its just hard right now because he knows him as a stranger so we try to keep visits away from our home so that he feels safe in his home.

Kat - posted on 03/13/2010

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that is definitely a hard one i would suggest just telling him that hes busy or not around until your son is old enough to understand the situation and then tell him the truth my babys father left me when he found out i was pregnant cause i wouldn't have an abortion so im waiting for the day my daughter starts asking where her father is

Erica - posted on 03/13/2010

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Just be careful bc he can decide to come back at anytime. My son only saw his father a handful of times and i hadn't heard from at all in a while, then when my son was 4 i was served to appear in court (for custody). Obviously he didn't get it but he got visitation and my son was throwing up every visit bc he didn't kno him. If I could do it all over again I would show him pictures so he was a familiar face and talk to him more about his dad bc you never kno if the dad will reappear intermittently thru his life.

C.j. - posted on 03/13/2010

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you seem to be very wise...but he does have a father ....its you right now ...and when he is old enough tell him the truth!!!!

Suzanne - posted on 03/13/2010

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HI KIM, I HAD EXACTLY THE SAME PROBLEM, WHEN I TOLD MY MAN I WAS PREGNANT THE FIRST THING OUT OF HIS MOUTH WAS IS IT MINE? NICE!! THEN HE STARTED DEMANDING DNA TEST FOR AFTER SHE WAS BORN, WHEN SHE CAME HE KEPT PUTTING IT OFF, MAKING EXCUSES, I FOUND OUT HE WAS GAMBLING AND HE HAD 3 KIDS TO SOMEONE ELSE AND WASN'T SEEING OR PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM EITHER. I GAVE HIM SEVERAL CHANCES TO DO THE RIGHT THING AND COME AND DO A DNA TEST SO HE KNEW FOR SURE. BUT IF HE IS NOT PAYING, YOU JUST GO TO THE SOCIAL THEY DO THE REST. AS FOR TELLING YOU CHILD, WHEN THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH. I HAVE A PHOTO OF MY BABIES DAD AND HIS LAST KNOWN ADDRESS AND DETAILS AND I WILL TELL HER THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM AND THE SITUATION AND WHEN SHE IS 18 IF SHE WAN'T TO FIND HIM, I WILL HELP HER, IT IS HER RIGHT AND SHE'LL BE AN ADULT. BUT IF YOU LOVE YOUR BABY, YOU'LL BE ENOUGH FOR HIM. IM SURE YOU'LL DO FINE, MANY WOMEN HAVE MANAGED BEFORE, GOOD LUCK...

Kimberly-anne - posted on 03/12/2010

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this is tough and ive never thought if my son would ask about his father.. well definitely i just have to tell him the truth.. he may not have his real father but at least he had me and his grandpop to love him.. all along his father never been there for him.. @ the right time he will get the chance to meet him but not now..

Amanda - posted on 03/12/2010

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My son hasn't seen his father in over 2 years, he's 4 and a half now. When he asks, I tell him that his dad lives far away (which he did last I heard) and has a very important job which means that he can't come see us. He understands this, but also told me that he wants a new dad. I told him that I want him to have a new dad, too, and that one day, I would find him a new dad and get married to him. Anderson loves the idea of me looking for his "perfect" new dad. In the meantime, I remind him that he has a lot of people who love him and that I'm sure his dad would love him if he knew him. It's not easy, but I've found it to be best to approach it in a positive way and not let my bad feelings toward his dad be known to him.

Kerri - posted on 03/12/2010

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Im sorry about your situation, though I find myself in the same situation with my son's father, except that he is 15 years old and he needs his father now more than he ever has, Though my son says he hates him and dosent want anything to do with him because hes been absent his whole life, I know he needs him and I truly wish with all my heart he was there for him!!!

Susan - posted on 03/12/2010

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I was in the same situation for a while. My daughters father said that he didn't want her from the start and that he wasn't ready. Finally he has came around. I do go get a paternity test to make sure just for him, even though i knew 100%. It was the best choice i have made, they have a strong relationship now.

I did just tell her for the longest time, that he was around that he just wasn't ready to be a grown up and take care of responsibilities at this time. She doesn't hold a grudge or anthing with him. Good luck..It is very hard.

I would go get a paternity test and make him pay for what he says "isn't his!"

Britney - posted on 03/12/2010

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I have to say that is a tough one. But i know you can't tell him the truth, but you can't lie to him. You may just want to start out that daddy is out of town or something and when he gets way older you can tell him the truth. My son's father is sometimes around i guess when he wants to be. My son is almost 2 and i havent recieved any kind of child support, or help. He will just take my son once in a while, for a couple hours.

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I waited until my daughter was 7 and started asking questions. Before that I told her that she grew "special" inside my belly. When my daughter started asking questions on how babies are made I worked in some information on why she had never met her father. I told her that he wasn't ready to be responsible, that I was and wanted to keep her, and that whoever I marry will be her "Dad". Over the next few years she will pop a question to try and get more info and I give her enough to answer her question, though I make it appropriate for her age. Making sure that she understands that she is loved by so many people is very important. When there is no contact, they assume it is their fault. My daughter's father left when I was pregnant and we have never heard from him again. Everything is handled through child support enforcement, though I will be lucky to get one check a year because he likes to move and work under the table. Paternity was established through his request out of the blue when she was 4. Now I have more against him. It is not the child's fault the parent is not there and it is important to know that.

Gemma - posted on 03/12/2010

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yh this is a tough one, but my lil boys dad left me wen i wo pregnant with him n was never reali interested in him e saw him 4 the 1st time wen e wo 3months old n hes now 19months n isnt reali boavd about callum the onli time e is boavd is wen e thinks e got a chane of getting back with me, my son ardly knws his dad through no fault of his own, ive met a ew man now n es bringin lil boy up as his own i am onli 20 but wen yr lil boy is old enough u can just tell him that dady had more important things to do n more than likely yr lil boy will already knw wot hes like n will make there own mind up about them thats wot im letting my lil boy do x

Jamie - posted on 03/11/2010

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I would say be honest. My daughter's father saw her twice when she was born and a couple days after I brought her home. Its hard, but I tell my daughter that her dad is busy with other things in his life and unfortunately because she doesn't know him she is aware that he is a stranger. I let her know when the subject comes up that I love her enough for her not to worry about where her father is. My daughter is six and has not asked about her father anymore since our talk. Even as she gets older she realizes her peers have a dad, but she's okay with it because her grandpa is a big part of her male role model influence. Her grandfather does a great job presenting himself as a responsible male role model and I don't worry about her missing her the father factor, because everything she could do with her father she can do with her grandfather. So, no matter what I decide to do in my life I will alway make sure that my daughter will have a strong male role model in her life so that she can see not all men are like her father ie. lacking the skills to be respondsible.

Anissa - posted on 03/11/2010

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My daughter is only 15mo old and already she notices that her cousins have a "daddy" and she doesn't. She gets this weird look on her face sometimes when they are interacting with their dad. And my older brother she can't stand all together. So all this got me thinking about what i could tell her when she is old enough to ask. i researched forums for help on other's experiences. I think the best thing is to sit them down and tell them the truth but objectively, don't put your bias or opinion in it, just the facts and allow them to develope their own opinion. and after you explain it ask them how that makes them feel or what they think. and listen. Soothe any concerns they may have and remind them that you love them and that you will always have each other.
My ex refused to grow up and moved back to his mom's house cuz she waits on him hand and foot, she babys him like crazy. So i figured i'd tell her he wasn't ready to grow up and be a father and that he moved back to live with his mommy, just like you live with your mommy. i've decided to keep any actual details for when she asks when she is old enough to understand without being hurt by the full truth.
i hope that helps! :-)

Samantha - posted on 03/11/2010

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i think the best answer is to be honest. but hold back any emotional feeling that might be negative. if they want to know about him maybe have the child talk to another family member on that side who can say positive things about him.. its all trial and error

Sandy - posted on 03/10/2010

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catherine m. I am glag the words are encouraging, it does get better and the question doesn't come up as often anymore,so keep your head high your heart open and a smile on...

Earline - posted on 03/10/2010

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I'M so in the same boat with you . my children ask for their father forever at one point . but now they have a good dad who loves them . the real dad hasent tryed to do anything. my children still every now and again ask about him but it's not to much. and when they ask just explain to them that their dad has a very busy days. i know it's hard but we will be alright.

Stephanie - posted on 03/10/2010

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wow that's a tough one, my oldest has asked about his daddy and i tell him the truth that he lives far away and wasn't nice to mommy...i would just say keep it simple you don't need to tell him everything usually kids accept a simple answer

Charlene - posted on 03/10/2010

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My son hasnt seen his father in 2 years. He has a VERY large extended family, many who arent even Blood to him. He never asks why he doesnt have a real father and I imagine when he does, Ill give him his fathers number and say, "Why dont you ask him why he was never there." We as the mothers have no idea what the Fathers are thinking. And I would never answer a question that my son had for his father. Soon enough he will learn what kind of person his father is and then you just need to be there to pick him up and love him. Good luck

Queen - posted on 03/10/2010

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Introduce him if you havn't already to; Our Father, the one whom never leaves! He stands closer to us than anyone and we can speak to him anytime he hear our prayers and request. Reassure him that he isn't alone! I am a single mother of 4 18,15,7, and 3; my Ex-Husband Is A Jerk........... I had to hold on to my FAITH!!!

Catherine - posted on 03/09/2010

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Sandy Gustafson you helped answer my question before i have even asked about it i dont really need to worry to much now my son is only 6 weeks old but for later on in life i will tell him those things instead of actual details of why his dad isn't around i would prefer not to tell him what his father tried to do to him and me before he was born and thats why he isn't around thats not an easy one to get around without bad mouthing him lol ill just tell him about the different kinds of families and that we were ment to be just us and we are lucky to have the love we have from friends and family and such thank you so much ♥♥

Sandy - posted on 03/09/2010

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Be Honest- You have to be for if you lie to your children at a young age,whenthey get older and learn of the truth they can be devistated or worse. They question your love. My sons father never wanted any part of his or our lives. So with my head held high thats how it is, has been for over 9 yrs.-No regrets-for when he 1st inquired why no father, I simpley stated it was meant to be just him and me. We are family and how much I love him,and that in this world of ours there are many forms of family,single parents,seperated parents,adoptive families,extended families,dual families-all kinds. Reassurance is a great way to show your love-they will eventually(all too quickly) know all the truths.

Joy - posted on 03/09/2010

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Tell him the truth hun, it don,t make sense going around corners as he will find out the truth when he gets older. Just give him all your love and support as he grows and you will reep the benefits when he gets older. All the best hun. x

Taneesha - posted on 03/08/2010

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Just let your son know, whatever you know about his dad. Never talk bad about his dad around him. Kids keep alot of hurt. Be as honest as you can.

Kimberly - posted on 03/08/2010

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that is really tough. with my daughter her dad was in prison before she was even born and i chose to keep him out of my life. i was 16 and he was 28, yea not a good situation. but now rosa asks about him and i was really unsure what to say at first. i just decided to be honest. i told him he wasnt a very good person. i dont sit and bang on him tryin to make him look bad. i kept it simple and honest. and for my son his dad see's him maybe twice a year. i haven't really had to explain too much. he knows he has a dad but he has been so use to him not being around that he doesn't even miss him. i think its too early to worry too much about it. as he gets older you will be able to better judge the best way to handle that topic. every child is different. im sure you will figure out whats best for your child

Cristina - posted on 03/08/2010

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Wow thats a tough one. My son's father isn't around because of his new girlfriend so I usually tell my son that daddy is busy or that i don't know where he is at the moment but he still comes around sometimes so thats why i say that. I'm sorry that is has to be like that with you guys when your son gets older he will see his dad for who he really is for now try to just avoid the question or tell him that daddy lives too far or something like that.

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