What do you think about missing fathers?

Chris - posted on 04/29/2013

I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. Her father hasn't seen her since she was 5 months old. I've been doing a lot of reading about cognitive development and long term outcomes for children of single parent homes. Shockingly, all the research in the last 5 years seems to indicate that living in a stable dual parent home or in a stable single-parent home yields the same results. The more sporadic interaction of the father the worse the outcomes appear.

This has really changed my perspective. I was lead to believe my daughter was missing out when actually we're not so bad off. If he wanted to be a part-time inconsistent parent we'd be in much worse shape long term. If you're providing your child with a stable single-parent home, then your efforts will pay off. Hang in there and God Bless!

Angie - posted on 07/20/2009

i don't miss my son's father cuz he certainly doesn't miss my boy. but whenever court time comes around, he throws around the fact that he's in the military and he'll get his way no matter what. so, of course, i have to remind the court that he wasn't in the military until our son was 2, so that doesn't apply to our case. he hates me and that's the way i like it. he's a p.o.s. and he has another son 10 months younger than mine and another on the way, so he can be daddy to them and leave us alone.

Kerri - posted on 07/20/2009

My children 's father always reminds me I watched them (the twins) for 15 months.. so I could go back to because he didn't have a job....They are 4 now....OK enough!!!!! Ya we split up (2 years ago)

Stephanie - posted on 07/20/2009

hi my name is stefi im from winnipeg, the sperm donnor and i still talk, and he comes "when he can", but something that came to light a couple weeks ago made me question our whole relationship. what do i do if the so called "daddy" hasnt even told his family about his son. his excuse is he is from another culture and his mother would kill him. but when we first started seeing each other he told me she past away back home, sierra leone africa? i dont know what to do, i know its wrong of him to expect any recognition, but how do i get him to see it for him self?

Kara - posted on 07/19/2009

I feel like one should only be given credit where credit is due. end of story

Celeste - posted on 07/19/2009

Remember people, we are doin this for our kids, not to spite our exe's!

Heather - posted on 07/18/2009

I think it is crap. My husband was an amzing father and he was taken to be with the Lord. It really ticks me off that some "dads" are unwilling to be there when he was so willing just now unable. That's the end of my statement, I don't want to get flagged!!!

Tasha - posted on 07/18/2009

I think that is a bunch of BS. I feel if we as moms have to put in the work and take all the mess from our kids and fix all the scrapes and brusies then y can't they. Men r always trying to escape something. Now don't get me wrong there r some good fathers out there. But as for those some timey want to be dads, they can get a gassface.

Greta - posted on 07/18/2009

who needs them? LOL, now serious, its important for our kids to know what happens, and i say: if a person (any person) doesn't play a positive in my life me or my kid´s, go away!!!

Julia - posted on 07/18/2009

Hello, I understand this kind of situation because my daughter's father has not seen his daughter since she was 9 years old, and then left and has not seen her since. he used to call her every day and then all of a sudden stopped. To me it is sad that your own dad wants to be a part of their lives but then vanishes again. Kids don't need that. My daughter is 15 years old now. But she has had some male role models like my dad, my brothers, and uncle's. I don't understand why men are like they are. they would rather see a women in the kitchen cooking dinner, cleaning dishes than themselves. They are the ones who got them dishes dirty in the first place. My thing is trust. i just don't don't think I can trust any man anymore. They cheat behind your back while you are tending to the baby. To me if a father doesn't play a role then he is out of luck, they are missing out ontheir kids growing up and their habits. Thanks, Julia Harris

Michelle - posted on 07/18/2009

Valerie, I agree, my Dad and Brother in law are K's male figures and she loves them to bits - I have always said that I will never hide the truth from her.. when she is older she will know that he was never there and even now knows that "Dad" is with someone else somewhere..I also had her registered on my name so there is no come back from him one day..

Valerie - posted on 07/18/2009

My daughter's father has seen her a total of 4 times once a year since she has been born...He didn't come to the hospital the day she was born he came the day after....He refused to sign the birth certificate so we had to have DNA test done...so his name is not on her birth certificate..He seen her a few days after her first birthday....he actually came to my house for her 2nd birthday.....He seen her the summer in between her 2nd and 3rd birthdays....and seen her the other day.....He has never been involved....we were only 16 when she was born but we are both 21 now and he still isnt involved....He has another child that is less than a year old that he has nothing to do with also..... My daughter has my Dad and Grandpa as her positive male "father figures".... and i think thats the best thing for her! I just hope when she gets older she realizes what a jerk he has been and how much he hasnt been there for her!

Michelle - posted on 07/18/2009

I threw my ex out when our daughter was 3 days old...sowing wild oats 5 weeks before she was born. He did the Super Dad thing whan he tried to impress all the girlfriends and eventually when she was 2 and ahalf - I had enough. He saw her when it suited him and the money was a hit and miss... since then I have forgiven him, even though we have not heard or seen him in 5 yrs. I feel sorry for him, missing out on this amazing creation God gave me. She refers to me as Mommy and Daddy and I do not put him down in front of her as maybe in yrs to come, she will make the decision to try reconnect with him. I pray that God will hold her in his arms and stear her in the right direction. I do not for one day regret my decision and am loving being a mom.. Keep a clear head and just listen to your heart..xxx

Jasmine - posted on 07/18/2009

HAHAHAHA ya right, my son never had his dad around, he left the day i told him i was pregnant. And he has another son as well and takes care of him but refuses to help with our son. look at it this way if the fatherdoesnt play a role in their childrens lives then they dont deserve the recognition! you are better off not having him here to be a bad influence, yes it would be alot of help having them in our lives to help out with their children but we as mothers wants what is best for our children. i look at it that way... i hope that makes sense.

Louise - posted on 07/18/2009

i hate how they say they are always gonna be there but never are. they let u and ur baby down constantly. they deserve no recognition. my ex is a sleaze he has had the same girlfriend since me and him split 3 yrs ago and he still tries it on with me and yet thats my fault apparently? tell him where to go and that he should realise how he treats me affects our daughter as i am her sole carer. i left him cos he wouldnt even hold our daughter or feed her while i cooked dinner etc. kicked him out when she was 8 weeks old. things between me and him are constantly up and down with getting on well. given him so many chances and have stopped him seeing her as he is unreliable but then he gets really nasty and stops maintenance and even gets his mother involved. love being a mum my daughter is my world but i cant deal with him its like something of jeremy kyle!!

Allyse - posted on 07/17/2009

It's really hard to want them to be involved when they dont really care. When your stuggling to make ends meet. And then, their's his family who want to be involved and talk about him like hes the greatest thing on earth and think you should do everything to make it possible for him to see his daughter. It's bull if you ask me. Why should I be nice when he doesnt give a crap. It's very hard. If hes going to be a dad, he needs to be one, not just say he is one and not care.

Diane - posted on 07/17/2009

My daughter's father has seen her for two hours out of her entire 4 years. I used to try to get him to come see and even volunteered to take her a couple states away (where he moved after her birth) so they could see each other, but although he claims it breaks his heart not to be in her life, he has excuses for everything. He always had but I didn't see it until it was too late. At this point, I'm not the one who goes after him for support. I know he won't send it of his own free will. Every 6 months or so the state takes him to court and threatens to put him in jail if he doesn't pay. He pays what he has to in order to get out of going to jail, but that's it.

For the first year or so, on the rare occasions he sent a card or gift, he would sign it from daddy. His mother still refers to him as daddy. I got really angry one day and told him that he doesn't deserve the title of Daddy. It takes more than knocking me up to get the privilege of being my daughter's Daddy. He is her biological father. I often refer to him as the "sperm donor." She doesn't know what it means, so it's a way for me to talk about him to other people without her understanding what's going on.

She is in love with my stepdad so at least she has a positive male role model in her life.

Yolanda - posted on 07/17/2009

Please believe I don't blame anybody. I have been doing this for ten years and yes my daughter is very smart, not to mention intelligent, I don't run behind her father and never will because if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't know him. I think you read the question wrong, don't come trying to chastize me and explain something to me, because I'm not looking for any handouts it was just a simple question. Everybody else answer was on point your answer was lame. Don't write on my page anymore.

Nancy - posted on 07/16/2009

My daughter is now 22. She is also special needs (ADHD, PTSD, etc) Her dad was in & out of the picture when it was convenient for him. I prided myself on never saying anything bad about him in front of her (which at times killed me) but knew that one day she would grow up to realize the man (or lack there of) that he was. (and he thinks he's been the best dad in the world!! lol) She doesn't see him very often. If he calls she tells him she's busy (which she is) but there's still that little girl that wants him to be her Daddy. And there's the big part of my that knows it won't happen & harbors much resentment. I have to say, it takes extreme tonque biting and alot of pillow punching when she's not around. We've been divorced for 22 yrs and it's still not easy but I ask God all the time to help me to forgive him for how much he's hurt my daughter. He's the loser, and she feels the pain. I just comfort her & let her know that she has TONS of others that love her for who she is.

I'm not sure if it helped but sometimes just knowing you're not alone and they can & do grow to be wonderful young adults despite some of what they've been through is a big help. I wish I had someone to tell me when she was growing up.



Nancy

Juana - posted on 07/16/2009

I have a 21 month old Daughter. Her father is in the army. Well we parted when my daughter was about 1 month, I could not make it work. He wants attetion from everyone because he is in the army. He wants people to feel sorry for him because he doesn't get to see her. Sorry but you knew what you were getting into when you joined the army. He is serving over in Kuwait where your not even allowed to have ammuniton in your weapons!!! That is where the people who actually go to iraq & afghanistan go for R &R it's a rich freakin city where all he does is sit in front of a computer!!!!!! he wants to think that since he sends child support(which i have to beg) that he is a good father~1~~ it's so aggrvating

Stacy - posted on 07/16/2009

My son doesn't even know his father. He left when Ethan was only months old only to get someone else pregnant. He actually had the nerve to deny Ethan was his then try to fight for visitation. I feel that my son is much better off as his father was abusive and basically a waste of space. Last I heard he was in prison, which is where he belongs. Maybe he'll learn what it's like to be abused.

Leticia - posted on 07/16/2009

if i hear im a good father one more im im going to barg lol... my ex has not been in my little girls life since birth no child support nothing and when he dose see her its for 2 min then he leaves.. my imput is forget them our children are better off without them they just turn lives upside down.

Lisa - posted on 07/16/2009

I struggle with this. Because I married their father although he never was much of a help, my children still want a relationship with him which is my fault because I tried really hard to forge a healthy relationship with them. Once I moved away I was done. He calls occasionally and his mother is still the one who sends for them but he basically has no significant role in their lives and I ask God why should I even allow them to see him when he's not even helping take care of them or being a good role model. Basically I do it for my boys. Being single for 6 years hasn't helped but I guess they feel like some male role model is better than none.

Sheila - posted on 07/16/2009

I think that it is sad...that some father's don't want anything to do with their children....I am divorced....my 2 kids are by my ex and he now doesn't want anything to do with them. his family is very upset with this and really I am too, the only thing that I am getting is child support. he is supposed to have the kids every other weekend but he doesn't want them. but yet he says that he is a daddy....it takes more than just sperm and money to be a daddy

Tanya - posted on 07/16/2009

I've been there my daughter doesn't really know her dad and he tries to tell everyone that he was the best dad ever, when he really did't do anything. My partner now has done more than he has and will ever do and we are all happy, and don't you worry there will come a day when it will end and he will get tired of continuing to make himself look stupid.

Sharell - posted on 07/16/2009

I think sometimes it can be a blessing! Think about, what would the add to your child if they were there. We as mothers always want that balance for our child with both parents contributing but we also have to ask ourselves, what would he contribute to your child? I know some men who in my opinion would do their child a huge honor NOT to be in their live because the child is seeing all the wrong things; drugs, violence, in/out of jail, and sometimes physical, emotional and psychological abuse. No matter what happens always remember...God loves your child more than you do and there are blessings in things we don't understand.

THEODORA - posted on 07/16/2009

Hi Yolanda!As my partner sais,it needs lot more than 2 seconds of sex to be a real father......i always thing how to face my son"s behaviour the minute he comes back from his bio-father....I thing one day their children will take the courage and face them without our involvment....so,until then lets be patient.Trust me this will hurt more...

Carla - posted on 07/15/2009

The hardest thing is not talking negative about him to, in front of, or anywhere that the child may hear. My son went so far as saying he wanted to stay with him because of the fantasy he had of the ideal father. After he became a teenager, he realized his father was never there for him on his own and formed his own opinion. That's the short of it. His donor was never able to say I turned his son against him even though he still finds way to blame me. But I feel good about it because his own actions prevent the recognition he desires. HA! I WON!!

DaQuanna - posted on 07/15/2009

well as for me && my child...personally i dnt trust him so leavin my son with him is not an option, maybe its because of the fact that he hasnt been there...and now its more of this thing where he wants to be with me but thats the only way he'll comminicate w/ his child..."his loss myy gain"/ I'M THE BEST DAMN MOTHER&&FATHER MY SON COULD'VE ASKED FOR

Lisa - posted on 07/15/2009

I know from expierince it is their loss ultimatly. Mom should bite her tounge and realize that saying harsh things about what a deuche bag dad is infrount of the child will only hurt them and their self esteem. They will grow up fast enough and realize who was there and who was not. Untill then, I know it is hard, but it is not a contest and only your child will pay the price. Be strong, be positive, be the best person you can be and set a good example for your child so they can grow up emotionally healthy and happy. If they do not it is as much your fault as the sperm donor who is not around, move on and be a parent.

Shannon - posted on 07/15/2009

I know this situation but I think in the long run my child is going to be a better person because his Dad cannot quit doing stupid things and I do not want my child to think that is the norm.

Melony - posted on 07/15/2009

I'm with Krystal on this, my little girls dad also has another daughter with he's first wife, and is only interested in her, he hasnt even seen Meegan (my little girl) and let me tell you, he is gonna wake up oneday and realise what he has lost and it will bve too late!! I do feel sorry for him too!!

Krystal - posted on 07/15/2009

I have 2 kids with the same guy, my daughter (who lives with her father) and my son (who wouldn't know his father from anyone else). He has a baby with another woman... he sees my daughter regularly obviously but has no interest in seeing his son or this other woman's baby.... it's sad really. He's the one I feel sorry for because he's missing out on an amazing baby boy.

Deserrae - posted on 07/14/2009

My daughter is only 4 months and her biological father has seen her once... at the attorney generals office, and has yet to want to see her or be part of her life. He says maybe its better for her that way, since he may not be a positive influence in her life. But I do however have an amazing man in my life who plays daddy to my daughter, and makes up for her biological father being gone... so not sure what this helps but he doesnt deserve recognition if he is not a positive influence number one, and not wanting to be round or do whats best for baby is strike umber two.... dont let your child have a "father" like that who may only bring your child down and dissappoint them in the end

Jennifer - posted on 07/14/2009

we cant put all the blame on the men. rmember that it does take two to make a baby. we all have choices that we can make when we become pregant. keep the baby even if the father doesnt want anything to do with you, give it up for adoption so it could have two loving parents to raise it or abortion. if you choice to raise the child on your own then it is your responsiblty as the child mother to the be the mom and dad. i am a single mom of a beautiful girl and i have chosen to raise my daughter by myself. i have not go after her father for any support nor do i chose to do that. she has great male rolemodels in her life that will teach her many of things. If your "baby daddy" dont want to be apart of the child life then that is his own fault and the one thing as mother that we dont want to do is bad mouth them for not being there. money is money and yes it can buy material things but that is just things do we really need men to do that NO. Be a strong woman and step up and raise your child that God blessed you with and stop fighting with the dad to be apart of that child life. teach them everything you know and one day that child will be an adult and because you the mother raised them right, they will be great people. i am blessed everyday that i have a child not many people can say that.

Sandra - posted on 07/14/2009

My daughters' father has not seen them in seven years. They went up to visit their Aunt and saw their Dad. He lives in another state. He has provided no support over the years but my daughters are older now so they want to speak to him. I don't let him call the house but if they want to speak to him I allow it but monitor the phone calls. It is difficult and they don't understand but when they are full grown they will know why I protected them.

Charmaine - posted on 07/14/2009

It's their lost, We can raise wonderful strong children just be sure to let positive males have a place in their lives.

Antoinette - posted on 07/14/2009

i feel all of you guys on this point i told my ex as long as he called he could see my 3 but since monday is my youbgest b`day all of sudden he wants to be bother even though in may he tried to choke me in front of them what do you do ?

Vicki - posted on 07/14/2009

Why should you settle for less than 100% -100% of the time and also feel like you need to stroke his ego? Been there, done that- its a night mare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Best of luck to you!

Karah - posted on 07/14/2009

I think thats the perfect attitude and support you could possibly give her.

Celeste - posted on 07/14/2009

My daughters father puts in very little effort. His parents 'encourage' him to see his daughter about twice a year. The most frustrating part is that she adores him! (and i'm the bad guy on a daily basis) I just roll with it. My daughter is very smart and one day will be all grown up and realise just what kind of input he had in her life. Then it will be up to her to decide what kind of relationship she wants to have with him. And i will back her up no matter what.

Cherie - posted on 07/14/2009

I think they need to face reality it takes more than sperm that god bless you to have in the first place, recognition please when you step up to be a daddy not just with money but spend time with them kids need both parents boys need to be taught how to be a man and girls need to be taught how to spot these loser and have more respect for herself in reality both parents need to be there it does determine the kids fate in most cases

Shoshonna - posted on 07/14/2009

My son never had one so i dont know what my comment would be if he did. I know that i would be honest and tell him what all he does and doesnt do and what i'd prefer to have help with. If he doesnt like it well too tough for him!

Candice - posted on 07/14/2009

HAHAHAHAHA! i left the father of my daughter for pretty much that reason. if i heard him say "don't you remember how much i helped" one more time i was gonna shoot myself. "yes, i remember...IT WASN"T ENOUGH!" that's my input. :)