What do you think about my situation?

Whitney - posted on 08/08/2009 ( 29 moms have responded )

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Ok, so I am 18 going to be a Freshman in the fall. I had my 13 month old baby girl when i was a senior in high school. Me and the father were together for 3.5 years....We were doing good. I still live with my mother and after my daughter was born I found out that the father was cheating on me. I do not tolerate cheating so I broke up with him....

Let me back up some....before I even got pregnant, I realized that the father was mentaly abusing me. I was not allowed to talk to any other guy and He wold constantly need to know where I was. My mother even told me not to be with him. There was even a time for about a year that I went behind my moms back to date him. My mom told me he was possesive....

Oh and he is an illegal alien from mexico.

Through out my whole pregnancy he was there for me and we would go out and buy stuff for the baby.

When she was born he was there for about 20min and then left.

because our baby was 2 months early, she was in the NICU. He never went up there...we didnt see each other much and He wasnt really around...I had to be at the hospital for 4 weeks like all day ..

after she was 2 months old i found out he was cheating on me.. and he addmitted that he have been cheating on me even when i was pregnant and he cheated on me the night our daughter was born. I broke up with him and he didnt come around.

I told him he could come over and see his child if he brought some money or even a pack of diapers....He never did.

I havent seen him since she was 2 months old. Last i heard was that he was deported from Mexico. He is now back and going to my friends house looking for me saying that he wants he "baby girl".....

And I dont want to tryto get child support from him b.c i dont want him to get any rights to her. He is dangerous ....He has threatend my life and told me before that he would take her to mexico....My own mother has told me that she is scared of him....When I talked to my friends about him being back and him going to their house they have even told me that he is crazy...

I am going to school in the fall to get my degree and I am trying to get support from the state to get daycare vouchers.....they said i have to go through child support first...

So Now i will be going to school more than full time 15 hrs....and I am going to have to work as much as possible because now i am going to have to pay for daycare and that is like 150 a week....and working minimum wage that is every cent I make is towards daycare....hopefully I will make enough. I will find out shortly.

What do you think about this?

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29 Comments

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[deleted account]

Call INS and child support recovery. I'm not sure how much they can actually do since he is here illegally. They should be able to help you. With him being here illegally I think they will restrict his visits if he ever takes you to court for visitation since child support and visitation are 2 separate things. You can also call the domestic abuse hotline or whatever and get help through them. I am working with the promise jobs office here and they are paying for my daycare for my kids while I'm in school no child support order needed even though there is one for both kids. Good luck. I wouldnt allow him anywhere near you or your child.

Cinthia - posted on 08/12/2009

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Just because you are awarded child support does not mean you will have to give him rights. You can request that he have supervised visitation. He does need to take responsibility for his child and you need to make him do that. He played a part in the conception too. I encourage you to contact your child support prosecutor and start the motion for child support but with visitation restrictions. They will make sure that the child is protected. You have to open and honest with the prosecutor about his threats and "promises". Hope this helps...

Hope - posted on 08/12/2009

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i received help from the state for school and daycare for 2 years without childsupport enforcement. I just kept blowing it off and telling them I was working on it. Play it smart and get help now, work and save it up for when they say they are no longer going to assist. You can get around it just try!!!

Kelly - posted on 08/11/2009

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Listen to Vaunda above. She gave great advice. Get legal advice. File a protection order. The courts will take care of his legal status here in the country. You need to worry about protecting yourself first and foremost. Document every conversation and every threat. do not under any circumstance allow him near your child. As far as child support, since he is not a citizen I don't think you can get it anyway if he is working illegally or at all. But a side not on child support. Whether you need it or not, is not the point. A man has a child and should be financially responsible for part of that child's care. In a way, it isn't our money. It is our childrens. If you don't need it, put it in a 526 college fund or in trust for your child. They deserve it and in the end, it will help them feel angry about their father's lack of paricipation in their lives.

Amanda - posted on 08/11/2009

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No matter what kind of help that you want from the state you will have to go through child support its no way around that. When you go before the judge have some proof that he is dangerous to you and your child's safety, you should be able to get an protection order. But in order for the state to help with daycare you have to be in school at least 25 hours a week. I hoped I helped just a little bit and good luck on everything

Becky - posted on 08/11/2009

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Hi,
I am a single mother of 2 boys. My ex has run and run from his obligations and played "games" to get out of paying CS. Until finally my lawyer got it thru the courts. But one thing I was always told is, according to the law, the CS and his rights to see the boys are 2 very different things. Which I never agreed with! I don't believe he should have any rights if he won't help support his children! One time I tried to say he couldn't see them until he paid CS and his lawyer called my lawyer and she told me I couldn't keep him from seeing the boys just b/c he wasn't paying CS....
But if he is here illegialy he should have no rights! I agree w/ all the other people...Go and get an order of protection ASAP! And then talk to a lawyer.
I feel for you, it is so hard being a single mom w/o having to put up with the dad not taking care of his responsablitities.
But at the very beginning of my "ordeal" I was told to go thru DSS(which I did) but ended up getting a lawyer b/c DSS took sooo long! I was lucky I had my parents to help pay for a lawyer. Then some time later I went and got daycare assistance. I didn't have any problem getting it though... But the whole system is sooo messed up!
Good luck to you!

Teresa - posted on 08/11/2009

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i feel your pain! im going through something similar, like you my daughters father was abusice physically and mentally abusive, very controlling. i am also afraid to go after him for child support in fear of my daughters saftey. my advice to you is to stay strong, i know its hard but when you look at your beautiful child its all worth it! i had talked to a lawyer and he said you can request supervised visits, the state should help out with child care costs then... i agree with what candice mccalsky said... good luck and think positive!!

Sondra - posted on 08/11/2009

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I think you should go to child support recovery. That has nothing to do with child custody. They are there to make sure the dad's/mom's pay when they are supposed to. They will not grant any rights for him to see your daughter. Trust me I went through this, only I paid $600 to meet with a lawyer about this and really all I needed to do was go straight to child support recovery. Don't go to a lawyer. Just go straight to child support recovery.

[deleted account]

I hate when they tell you that you have to get child support first. My daughters dad has two other kids where he lives and he can barely support them.. why do i want his money when i don't really need it?! I live with my parents too and i'm also in college.. But I had to go through so much crap just to get medicaid for my daughter because i don't get child support... eh that is so lame! Maybe we dont want help from our ex's so they don't have rights! that was my initial reason for not asking for it... I just didn't trust him to be responsible... you can work the system though. just tell them the truth... they should work something out for you

Lashawn - posted on 08/11/2009

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Quoting Whitney:I am a single parent of four and God has always made away for me. My oldest daughter will be a freshman in college this August(fall). Try looking for another program like Early Head Start it is free if it is in your state. You sound like a good mommy and it sounds like u have your moms support. Your baby's safety is very importment to me. Try that and keep me posted.

What do you think about my situation?

Ok, so I am 18 going to be a Freshman in the fall. I had my 13 month old baby girl when i was a senior in high school. Me and the father were together for 3.5 years....We were doing good. I still live with my mother and after my daughter was born I found out that the father was cheating on me. I do not tolerate cheating so I broke up with him....
Let me back up some....before I even got pregnant, I realized that the father was mentaly abusing me. I was not allowed to talk to any other guy and He wold constantly need to know where I was. My mother even told me not to be with him. There was even a time for about a year that I went behind my moms back to date him. My mom told me he was possesive....
Oh and he is an illegal alien from mexico.
Through out my whole pregnancy he was there for me and we would go out and buy stuff for the baby.
When she was born he was there for about 20min and then left.
because our baby was 2 months early, she was in the NICU. He never went up there...we didnt see each other much and He wasnt really around...I had to be at the hospital for 4 weeks like all day ..
after she was 2 months old i found out he was cheating on me.. and he addmitted that he have been cheating on me even when i was pregnant and he cheated on me the night our daughter was born. I broke up with him and he didnt come around.
I told him he could come over and see his child if he brought some money or even a pack of diapers....He never did.
I havent seen him since she was 2 months old. Last i heard was that he was deported from Mexico. He is now back and going to my friends house looking for me saying that he wants he "baby girl".....
And I dont want to tryto get child support from him b.c i dont want him to get any rights to her. He is dangerous ....He has threatend my life and told me before that he would take her to mexico....My own mother has told me that she is scared of him....When I talked to my friends about him being back and him going to their house they have even told me that he is crazy...
I am going to school in the fall to get my degree and I am trying to get support from the state to get daycare vouchers.....they said i have to go through child support first...
So Now i will be going to school more than full time 15 hrs....and I am going to have to work as much as possible because now i am going to have to pay for daycare and that is like 150 a week....and working minimum wage that is every cent I make is towards daycare....hopefully I will make enough. I will find out shortly.
What do you think about this?


 

Lashawn - posted on 08/11/2009

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I am a single parent of four and God has always made away for me. My oldest daughter will be a freshman in college this August(fall). Try looking for another program like Early Head Start it is free if it is in your state. You sound like a good mommy and it sounds like u have your moms support. Your baby's safety is very importment to me. Try that and keep me posted.

Dawn - posted on 08/10/2009

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Ok, To make my very long story short  my name is Dawn and Have 3 kids my two youngstest are with my x-husband whom is a drug addict and dealer. listin to me very carefully i dont need to tell you what i what throuh.you need to get fullcustodyof your kids in writing which means going to court. This is a must and they will probaly issue child support and if he pays great and if not ... that between him and the courts. If he is real alian there is no way he will get any type of custody. and he probaly wont show up in court. Now is not the time to protect him either what ever kind of dirt or record he may have YOU NEED TO take that to the courts that is the only thing that hlep me and my x has no visitaion rights what so ever and he does have to pay child support that is duty Iam not getting it but just think when and if you ever get that money I am sure it will come in handy.

Kathleen - posted on 08/10/2009

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i am almost in the same situation i found out about a month ago that my sons father was cheating on me the whole time i was pregnant up until i found out and my son is 18 months old!! i feel so stupid for not realizing what was going on. he told me he would take my son away from me because he thinks im a bad mother because my son throws tantrums and he doesent realize that thats what all babys do!!! i had to apply for child support so i could get some money and daycare benifits from the government but it didnt cause me any troubles.it didnt give my sons father any rights to see him. why dont you go to court and apply for full custody maybe get your friends to go in and say he has abused them like yelled at them etc.. they wont take your baby away from you you are its mother and you have been there from the very start!!!

Sharon - posted on 08/10/2009

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I think you're very courageous - and I admire you for still wanting to continue your education which will ultimately benefit yourself and your daughter. Good luck.

Latonya - posted on 08/10/2009

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Go ahead and get the assistance that you need for you can go to school and get that help for your child. you need to go to family court and get full custody of your child and get an order of protection against him, also if you go to the county and get that assistance from the county they can give you a voucher to pay for daycare for your child.

Danielle - posted on 08/10/2009

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Please Whitney, go to the police and get a restraining order for you and your baby! At least that way if he comes near you or your child, you can take legal action against him. I would also contact an attorney (many will give free consultations) and ask what you can do to try to have his parental rights taken away since he is not in this country legally. Good luck girl! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Sara - posted on 08/10/2009

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Go to the YWCA they have a battered womans task force, or call the United Way, both have resourcs for abused women. At theBWTF you can gewt a restraining order counseling, and if need be a safe place to stay till he is picked up and his ass is shipped back to Mexico. And if hr is threatening you then he should have a "bad record" . I'm not sure where you are located but I will aski my Uncle what the Federal Laws are...hr is an INS agent.

Loraine - posted on 08/09/2009

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can i just say that u sound like a young woman with her head screwed on the right way, u sound like a great mum, im over in scotland and things and laws are so different from urselfs, im also a single mum with 3 boys and i work 20hrs a week, i would just like to say good luck to u and ur daughter and plz get a restraining order against this man, and protect urself and daughter. i wish u all the luck in the world. all the best love loraine xx

Kendra - posted on 08/09/2009

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i dont think he deserves to see his child.i was also cheated on by my childs father so i know how painful that is.my solution to childcare was to work in a school so im off in the holidays.luckily i now work in my daughters schhol too.would a friend not look after your child while you work it would be cheaper tp pay them to help you.good luck.!

Kristi - posted on 08/09/2009

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My situation is alot, and i mean ALOT, like yours. I am much older than you are but i just recently went back to school to get my degree. I now raise my daughter in a single parent household, work 2 jobs and go to school full time. I am busy...I went to the state to help get her day care paid for...I too encountered the same sort of issue. So, here is what i did. I went to a lawyer, (who took my case pro-bono) and gave me a signed afidavit saying that it was best not to pursue child support. The only difference is that I did have proof of my issue with my ex...and it is extremely important that he not know where we were. Also I applied for federal student aid. I went to the FASFA website and got grants and subsidized student loans. They don't start incruing interest until 6 months after you graduate. That pays for my school books and i have at least a couple thousand left over to help me with bills and travel. Another website to check out is Fastweb.com, it has lists and lists of scholarships you can apply for....they will give you the money out right and you can use to for bills as well.

Gayle - posted on 08/08/2009

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You have asked the right people for advice on here. I can tell by what you wrote that you are going through alot. You are doing the right thing about the father issue. As an alien he has no rights in the USA to your daughter. He can see her and that is it. He cant leave the country with her. Nobody can take your child away from you legally unless you are doing something majorly wrong to the child, but it sound like you are an awesome mom. Being a single mother is hard at any age. I am 29 and had my son at 27. You need to think about what is best for you and your baby girl. If I were you I would get a restraining order since he has threatened you. You may have to move to an unknown location that is only for you and a few people to know that wont tell him. There is special housing for that.

The state should step in and help with child care wheather you recieve child support or not. I have a friend that she gets no child support and she is a working mother plus going to school, and she gets child care. I know that in Iowa that you can recieve it if you are working, going to school, or both.

I know how you feel with being left. My son's sperm donor (as I call him right now) has never seen his son. My son with be two in October. He left me when I was 6 weeks pregnant with my son. He has chosen a life of drugs. I have no clue where he is. I am like you I really dont care where he is, My son's donor has never paid one dime of child support. I really dont care if I get it or not. My son and I are doing fine with out it. Child support recovery cant even find him. I am in a different situation than a lot of single mom's because I am a single mom with a disability. I have a heart condition, but I make due. I know that you will make it. If you need any advice or questions feel freel to contact me on facebook, or my email queentkd@yahoo.com

Sophie - posted on 08/08/2009

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I was in a similar situation in as much as the father was dangerous, broke into my house, threatened to take my son etc. I have forfitted child support so I can have some peace of mind and it has been worth it. I am older than you and in a better financial position but if you can make it without the financial support, I'd say do it. Can you get help from your parents? Two other things to keep in mind, many Universities have inexpensive child care as part of their education dept. Also, if you could work at a daycare you could be there with her and usually get a break on tuition. Just a couple of ideas.

Best of luck and keep that little one safe.

Vaunda - posted on 08/08/2009

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Legal Aide provides free legal services to those in need. You need to get a Protective Order against him right away. You need to file papers to have permenant full-time legal custody of your child. He does need to be held responsible financially for his child. That can be accomplished without him being in the child's life. My son's father has to pay the state every month for his son that he never sees. I got the Protective Order, the permanent full-time custody. The protective order will include whatever addresses you frequent, your school, your parents home, etc. It will cover your phone number, your place of work, etc. If he is demanding visitation rights demand that they be supervised for the safety of your child. There is legal assistance for your child too in the form of a Guardian Ad Litem. This individual is a lawyer for your child. He/she will gather documents from both you and the baby''s father and then make recommendations to the judge. His/her reccomendations will weigh heavy with the judge. If you go into court showing you are working hard to make a better life for yourself and your child through education/employment and providing a safe environment for your child while you are gone that will count for a lot with the judge. If the baby's father is not a legal resident of the US that sinks his battleship hands down. Whatever you do, make sure you document EVERYTHING! This was so very important in my situation. My son's father repeatedly violated the Protective Order. He never one time was awarded anything he asked for in court. If he ever violates it you can call the authorities and have him arrested.

Michelle - posted on 08/08/2009

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Just because he is paying child support, does not mean he has the right to see his child. First things first, you need to march your tushy down to the police station and tell them that you fear for your safety and the safety of your child. If you have it documented that he is a threat, a judge will be WAYYYY less likely to give him any form of custody. Especially if you are actually given a restraining order or even a temporary one vs a permanent. Also, judges don't take it friendly on people who bully others so they will probably slam his ass with child support.
I never once went through the state for paternity or child support with my son but i did get daycare assistance, wic and medicaid. my son is only two so it's not like it was 10 years ago. If you just ignore the paternity or tell them "it's in the works" then they will most likely let it slide, unless things have changed.
At the end of the day, you and your daughter are deserving of each and every single dime that your daughters father can give. The fact that your mom told you not to date him then lets you live in her house with his child means that she has your back. You're not alone and you're in a shitty situation so fight through it. Fight that jerk for $$ and repeatedly tell the lawyer, judge and police that you are scared of him and that you fear for the way he'd treat your daughter. Get it in writing from your friends that he's shown up at their houses and stated that he's going to get his daughter. Document, document document. No prick can argue with written proof. Voice mails, text messages, e mails, anything. just document it all. Every bit of it. But don't for one second think that because he's fearful that you should not go after him for every penny that you deserve.
You seem strong, you seem smart and you seem like you know what's up. So use that strength and fight him just like you're fighting the daily battle of being a single, working mother. What my mom always tells me, things find a way of working out and you can do this!! :)

Whitney - posted on 08/08/2009

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I have done it before.....They said he has to have a bad record....
My parents tried to after they found out he was crazy....
I dont' care about the child support...I dont want hes money I just want him to leave me alone!

Mel - posted on 08/08/2009

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Girl call INS and have his ass deported. And be done with it. You won't be able to get child support anyway if he is an illegal alien but at least you and your child will be safe. Send him home! Call INS

Candice - posted on 08/08/2009

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call legal aid in your area and get some legal advice. they will be in the best position to tell you what you should do about support or custody. if you go for support, he may go for custody rights. document EVERYTHING...every threat, every violent act. if he comes to your house to threaten you, call the police and file a report so that it's documented. if he texts you, save it and print it. keep a journal of his crazy acts with dates and times. if he is not here legally, i don't know what the law is on custody rights...you really need to speak to a lawyer. quickly.

Candice - posted on 08/08/2009

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go thru child support and get an order, and also get an order for protection against him, if you go into court and have any kind of proof about his mental status he could get visitation with your little one but you could ask for supervised visits so he will not be alone to take off with her, then you could go thru the welfare program and get the day care paid for and if you are going to school full time they will not make you work on top of school and maybe even get money for bills ect. Paying child support does not mean he has rights to that child follow the steps to get child support get your court date and state your case good luck with school

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