What should I tell my son about his father?

Sabrina - posted on 06/12/2011 ( 36 moms have responded )

33

14

2

I'm very stressed out and hoping somebody can shed some light on this matter.

Here's the situation...my 15 month old baby's father only seen him 4 times in two month's time, and that's only because I made him. My baby had his baptism and birthday on the same day and his father didn't show up at all when he said he's going to be there. Not even a word from him until I called him later that night because I was so mad. I have been so nice to him even when he wasn't there for the first 10 months of my baby's life. But after what he did, I never wanted to see him again. He just doesn't care about his son. He never made an attempt to see him at all. I don't want him to be around only when he feels like it.

I know I can raise my baby all by myself. I'm just worried when the time comes that he'll find out his father doesn't care about him at all. I have no problem with his father not being around, but his father's mother and sister wants to be around. I think that will just remind him that his father doesn't care about him every time he sees them. They are nice people but I want to do what is best for my son.

So, what should I tell my son about his father? What I want to tell him is his father is dead or lost in la la land or something like that. I know I can't protect him from everything, but I'm sure as hell going to try...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kayla - posted on 06/13/2011

70

17

16

You surround him with people that love him.

Forcing his father to be there when he doesn't love him isn't going to be any better than him not being there at all. He will feel that more so than he would his absence.

You don't have to keep the other family members that want to be involved away because of him. Like Angela said, don't punish them for something they didn't do.

I strongly believe it's more about how much they are loved rather than who they are loved by. You don't need to lie to him to protect him when he's older, he'll be angry at you if you do. You can tell him his father just wasn't prepared or capable of taking care of him. Chances are that's the only answer he'll want until he's older anyway.

Angela - posted on 06/12/2011

40

1

2

Just tell him that things didn't work out with you and his father but that doesn't mean he isn't loved. and even though he doesn't get to see his father, he thinks about him. just make sure your son has a strong male figure in his life. whether it be ur dad or an uncle or anyone. it doesnt have to be his father. sure, he's gonna ask ques. you'll know the right things to say when the time comes. and i think you should let the grandmom and aunt see him. it's not their fault the father is a low life...



oh, and if his father is really that bad of a guy, as your son grows older he'll realize that he's not worth his time. it'll take time for him to get to that point, but he will.

Kristina - posted on 06/15/2011

19

12

0

Yes, you can raise your son by yourself. But he DESERVES as much love, support, and encouragement as he can get and witholding family members who WANT him, who WANT to be involved, who WANT to show him love is imo cruel.

I have the same problem with my daughters dad, he's in and out of her life. His dad however is interested, and while he isn't able to be involved in her life because he lives in another state he does keep in touch to ask about her.

As for what to say you can be honest, but remember your childs age. "Single parenting with purpose" by Kevin Leman is a great book to read and it devotes an entire chapter to this. One thing I loved is the way it doesn't trash the other parent, because like it or not our children have an inborn desire to be loved and desired by both their parents and they can create fantasies about who they are and why they're not there and trashing the other parent can end up turning them against you. Also telling your son how uninterested he is, etc only hurts him not the absent dad. In the book he mentions saying something like your dad isn't able to be involved right now because he's not in a good place in his life, why don't we pray about him and hope he's able to be there for you someday. Or something like that.

I think sometimes we can turn our feelings towards the absent parent inward and blur our vision while we parent. We think we're helping the child for them to know what kind of person the absent parent is, or to keep them completely away from someone who was absent but then begins to show interest, or away from the absent persons family who can offer our child the extended family that can give them more than what we alone can offer. While it's true the other parent is currently scum, we can't allow their actions to dictate our reactions not when innocent children are involved. Because like it or not your son will grow up look back and see both what you did, and what his dad did, and how you respond and respect his dad will make you either look good or look bad in his eyes. I want my daughter to grow up, see for herself her dads behavior and look at me with respect not sadness for what I pushed on her with my words, or withheld by keeping her away from people who love her.

[deleted account]

you use an age appropriate answer. Chances are your son won't ask about a father for several years. My son is three and still hasn't made the connection that other kids have a daddy and he doesn't. We read mommy and daddy books, and have plenty of friends with "Daddys" - he just thinks a lot of guys have the name "daddy". Just like a lot of women have the name "mommy". he doesn't know that he is SUPPOSED to have a Daddy. Children aren't born with the knowledge that they need to have a daddy and a mommy.

When my son asks eventually I will tell him that his daddy is far away. That works even if the daddy is in the same town because his daddy is emotionally far away. Not lieing to my son, just simply giving him an answer that he can understand. Age appropriate.

Over time the questions will be more difficult. Do not hesitate to work with your pediatrician or a child therapist to help you find the right words.

But for now, you have plenty of time to relax. It won't be an issue.

Ironically my son's favorite movie is Finding Nemo - a movie about a daddy fish who will do anythign to find/save his son. And my son's own daddy can't even bother to pick up the phone. irony.

Renee - posted on 06/14/2011

16

17

3

I was in the same boat as you, my son is 7 now and his father walked out when he was 4 and hasnt seen him since he asks about his dad all the time and i just tell him i tryed to organise for them to see each other but i never get a reply and then i show my son how much i love him he has photos of his dad in his room so he will never forget him and i make sure he sees his fathers side of the family even though they live in a different state to us, we go and stay with them and they come and see us i will never deny that to them we are going great now but i do still get the questions but i dont think they will stop but they do get easier to answer

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

36 Comments

View replies by

Kammom - posted on 06/19/2013

1

0

0

I have a 7 month old son who has a 5 month old sister and a 1 month old sister and my son's father already has a new girlfriend and will hang with the girlfriend and tell me he been too busy working to ask about his son. Not even send a 2 second text message to say 'how is my son?' I will never understand how a person can be so detached from all of his babies AND how can Another single mom, who already has a dead beat babay daddy, date a guy with four children, four different baby mamas and cares nor sees none of them.
It's a pure cold heart. I worry everyday what im going to tell my son when he is old enough to ask but i cn only hope i get the right answer or i plan to just tell my son, "hold on lets call your dad and ask him"

Marcia - posted on 09/14/2012

5

1

1

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. My daughter is close to 5 and is aware that her daddy isn't around. His parents take her one sometimes 2 weekends a month for awhile he was living there and he would tell her how much he loves her and he's her only daddy, no one else will love her as much as he does. Meanwhile he never has spent a holiday or birthday with her. He's either in jail or in rehab. We tell her he's away at work. As she is getting older she has more questions and I am finding it more difficult to tell her he's away at work. Lately, she doesn't bring him up as much since it's been nearly 2 months since he saw her. She used to cry to me 'I miss my daddy, I want my daddy' and it breaks my heart.



You never know what the future will bring, perhaps your son's father is immature like my daughter's. Maybe he'll come around and want to be a part of his life. This is why you can't tell him he's dead. The good news is that he's young enough that there's still time to see how this situation will unfold. If you know for sure without a doubt the father will not be a part of your son's life but, his family will- talk to them and ask what they think you should do. Please make sure you all are on the same page in terms of what is being told to your son otherwise he will be confused and upset. Does he ask about his father?

Charla - posted on 09/09/2012

5

0

0

I would advise to not ever say a bad or cross word about his father.

My son does not know his father I have raised him with the help of my family. However the one thing I did not ever do is speak ill of his father he has grown up to know that his father is not around nor does he want to be. He is struggling to deal with it at 13 however I have made sure that he knows that he was wanted and loved by me and someday there will be a man in our life who will love us both.

If you speak ill of the father he will grow up to think it is because of you that his father is not around. Whereas my son knows that I tried to get his father to be a part of his life and he has learned that his father is a dead beat and worthless person on his own without my ill speaking.



I hope that this helps you and the other thing is don't ever keep him away from his grandparents even the father is a dead beat sometimes in most cases the love a grandma gives can make up for that. And maybe when he is older he will understand that his mother and grandparents loved him enough to be a part of his life and he will realize just as my son did that his father is the one who is missing out.

Chelsea - posted on 09/04/2012

58

0

4

I'm soon to be in a similar situation, my baby's father is not planning to be around either. My sister, who's also been in a similar situation gave me good advice: just tell the age-appropriate truth - that his bio-dad wasn't ready and it doesn't mean he isn't loved. She said kids know when their dad's a loser, especially as they get older. But they'll appreciate you and the people who really love and help to take care of him. Definitely allow his grandmother and aunt to be a part of his life because they do want to be involved with their family after all. Their relationship is separate from that of the bio-dad's and it is better to surround your children with as much loving and nurturing people as possible.

YOLANDA - posted on 09/04/2012

14

0

7

Hi Sabrina. I can imagine how you feel. My son is also 15months old right now, the age where they recognize people and start bonding with them. This is a very crucial point in your lives. I know you are a great mother and your number one priority is for your son to have a complete life. However, there are times that we end up doing harm instead of good to our kids.



Bringing your baby's father around involuntarily will only hurt your son in the long run. He will become attached to his father and will be hearbroken if his daddy stops coming around altogether. At that point, trust me, you will feel a lot worse (with yourself) than right now that you have to fight with him for him to see his son. Let his father makes his own bad decisions and mistakes. And let him also deal with the consequences that will come with those bad decisions.



Be glad and also proud of yourself because you are able to raise your son by yourself. Many of us have had to struggle. If you are in good standing, financial, focus on your son and yourself. Do not use your energy on someone who has issues with himself and is not fit to set good examples for your son. Detaching yourselves from him altogether might give you the results you have been wishing for. In your absence He might realize he is messing up and atleast try to be there for your son more. If not, accept he has done you both a favor by walking away.



Welcome the love and care of your baby's grandmother and aunt. With them being there, your son we'll know he is loved and will grow with nothing but positive role models. Good luck to you two. Btw That is a cute picture of your son - Your ex should feel privileged to have that little angel in his life

[deleted account]

Forcing his dad to be involved will hurt your child. My middle son has not seen his dad since he was newborn (he's 5) and I say it's better that way! Forcing a man to be involved with his own kid ultimately makes him a negative influence (since the kid feels unliked by a parent and forced upon the dad) AND puts the kid at risk (how many dads with forced visitation end up killing the kid?) What I do is I just don't mention his father. The end. I have the pics and whatever tucked away but I don't want him to feel abandoned so until he gets old enough to understand, I just don't say anything. He won't act like something is missing if YOU don't.

Angelique - posted on 08/30/2012

5

4

0

Well for starters, nothing right now. When he is older he may ask and all that you can do is gently tell him that you and his father did not work out. If he prompts further, you can explain that sometimes people cannot handle the huge responsibility of being a parent. DO NOT tell him that his father is dead, that would be a huge mistake on your part. You should NEVER EVER speak ill of his father to him or around him. No matter how mad you get, it's just not worth it. If you do, I assure you, your child will grow up resenting you.



As to your child's paternal extended family, I don't see why they shouldn't be permitted to be in his life. It may even help to bring the father around. His family may make him (the father) feel guilty or even jealous of all of the time that they get to spend with your little bundle of joy. I would set ground rules and speak candidly with them about your feelings and what they should and should not be doing/saying when they have your son. There is good way to approach it, but forbidding them from being a part of his life is not fair to your son. He deserves to know who his family is. If you do not allow them into his life now, he may find out later that you prevented them from being in his life and again resent you for it.



Overall you need to just remember to set any personal feelings aside and do what you know is best for your child. If his aunt and grandmother are loving and caring about your son, they too will want what is best for your son.

Monique - posted on 08/24/2012

11

1

1

Wow I am in the exact same situation. My 2yr old calls his dad to talk to him, and his dad rejects his phone calls because he wants to hurt me! My son talks to the voicemail constantly with hopes that his dad will call him back, to no avail. It's so not fair. My advice would be to continue to surround your son with love and loved ones. It's not the child's fault. In due time, your son will be able to see the truth for himself. Good Luck!

Lakota - posted on 05/17/2012

710

0

192

Went through the same thing. My son is 13 now. Be honest with your son when he is older and asks questions. Don't tell him that his dad didn't want him or anything like that. That will just hurt your child badly. Tell him that his dad didn't know how to be a father. That you love him very much and you two can make it through anything. My son still has many questions about why his father made the choices he made. I told him that he may never find out and that the only way he will ever find peace with it is to forgive his dad. He hasn't reached that point yet, but, one day he will. Time is a wonderful thing.

Tanya - posted on 02/27/2012

55

9

3

EITHER TELL HIM THE TRUTH OR JUST LET IT BE MY DAUGTHER CALLS MY DAD HER DAD SO WHAT MORE CAN I SAY...

Bonnie - posted on 02/25/2012

90

22

7

I am going through a very similar thing, only his family doesn't know me so they have no contact either. I have read some books and talked to a counsellor and figured that first I will not say anything that is not prompted by a question from my son. Second, lying will only make your child distrust you so honesty is best. Third, I plan on telling my son that he is an amazing child and that sometimes people are not ready to be a parent. There is nothing anyone can do to change that and he is not responsible for what his father does.

I have surrounded my son with people who love and care for him, and plan on being around for the long haul.

Patty - posted on 02/23/2012

1

0

0

Hi!

I have a 4 year old and facing the same situation, his dad hasn't seen him in months and usually only sees him on his birthday or christmas.

He has asked questions already and I decided not to lie, so when he asks where dad is I have told him: I don't know.

So far he has been ok with this.

My kid's grandfather (his dad's dad) has been involved in his life, he picks him up every other week and they spend an afternoon together, I allow this because my kid enjoys it! grandpa is a good guy and truly cares for mi son, so I see no problem with that, besides, that way when he has a question he can ask other people besides me about his dad, and I won't always be the one answering: I don't know where dad is.

Stay strong, and love your baby, you both will get through anything together.

Kara - posted on 02/09/2012

1

4

0

My son is 13 yo and his father and I separated when he was an infant and was divorced by the time he was one. His father didn't see him but maybe 2 times for about a year and then popped back into his life with his new wife and 2 step sons a little older then my son. That lasted for a year and then he moved out of state with no forwarding address or phone number. My son asked for his Dad everyday for what seemed like forever. I first defended his Dad and told my son that he loved him but had to go away for a while (because he was military). It was a couple of years later that I had a change of heart and was just honest. I began to tell my son that his daddy has our phone number and knows where we live and if he wants to call to talk to him or wants to see him he will. So then all my son asked me was if his Dad called or came by to see him and for 7 years I had to tell him no, but Mommy is here and will always be here to take care of him and love him and play with him. I didn't talk bad about his Dad I just kept telling him the simple truth. I didn't share my anger or disappointment with my son at all just my love, support and reassurance. So I was very proud of the son I raised when his Dad did pop up after 7 years of nothing asking to see "his little guy" and my son chose to confront his Dad on his whereabouts for the last 7 years and doing so by calling his Dad by his first name. All on his own he had realized that his Dad was a dead beat and made the decision that he isn't going to be his son now that he wants to be his Dad and it was to late the damage had been done. Now my sons Dad is the one waiting for the phone calls which rarely if at all come and my son has never visited him since he popped into town almost 5 years ago. I never had the opportunity to get visits from any of his family being they all lived on the other side of the US but if I did I would have certainly welcomed any part of my sons family to be a positive part of his life if they wanted to. Good luck to you and anybody else in this position. If you stay focused on the Lord and what is best for your child and yourself you too will survive to give advice to others :) God Bless

[deleted account]

The truth. Thats what I plan to do at least. I will tell her as shes older that he was a deadbeat, when it came down to it, he had no interest in being a parent and had a long time drug addiction and liked to party. And that that was what he placed importance in.

Robyn - posted on 09/15/2011

15

11

0

I know how you feel, cuz lately my sons father has done a disappearing act as while although my son see his dad maybe once or twice in 2 weeks. His mother and family still play a big part in my sons life and they r very disappointed in my son's father for how he barely sees him. But my son knws that his dad loves him but just cant see him as much as he wld like and although my son gives me a hard time when daddy wants to come get him and he doesn't go i kind of force him to go. just so he can have tht time wit his father. I can suggest to you that if ur son doesn't really ask then dont stress it about it until u really need to. But for now juts explain to your son that his daddy does love him but he can't be around rite now and if he ask where is or what he is doing just saying daddy has his own life and other respondsabilities that he cant be here rignt now. i dunno if my advice is good but i tried

Lori - posted on 09/09/2011

26

10

1

My boys have not seen or heard from there father in a little over 3 years, and as much as I also would like to tell them he is dead I cna't because knowing what a POS he is he will pop up one day with a big sob story about how I kept him away which is further from teh truth. My boys are 7 and 5 and my 5 year old does not remember him but my 7 year old does and as he started asking when he was about 4 I started telling him his dad loves them but cant be with us right now which was good enough for awhile but as he has gotten older not enough so I have slowly and without name calling or try not to bad mouth I have slowly explained that there daddy loves them but was just not ready to live the family life and maybe one day he will be but never think he does not love you and it seems to work fro now, my 5 year still barely ask about him. It is hard I know exactly how you feel my ex was liek that as wll poping in and out and its very confusing to little ones so when he fianlly decided just to leave us alone I was very happy, as for his family if they can respect you and your wishes onhow to handle the situation and promise not to say anuything that you dont approve of why not let them be involved but they have to understand that if theywant to be then they do have to go aling with what you decide on how to handle the situation

Charlotte - posted on 09/07/2011

10

0

0

Its always good to keep the fathers family involved, even if the father isnt very interested at the moment, it is always good to have family around. but just because the father isnt ready now, doesnt mean he definitely wont be ready in the future. i know this may seem "a little too late" to some mums, but you never know, the father may strick up a bond with his son when he is older. dont rule it out, you never know what the future may hold! but as the other posts have suggested, just have to be honest, but not go into too much detail, just have to say it hasnt worked out with his father. plus, you never know, you may meet someone new in the future ;) and they will love you and your son so much he would want to fill in as the daddy. heres hoping! (cant you tell that im optimistic!)

Minique - posted on 07/19/2011

47

36

9

I would tell him that he has a father but right now his father isnt ready to be a daddy. But when he is ready he is going to be the best daddy ever. But until then its just going to be him and mommy.

I wouldnt worry about it until he brings it up. Dont stress yhourself until you have to. Besides you have a beautiful baby boy. You're to blessed to be stressed. From now till whenever you never know what may happen you may find the man you are suppose to be with that can support love and honor you and your child and he may take on the role of Father instead of Sperm donor to your child but until then that is what I would tell my son.
My daughter never asked about her daddy until she went to school and saw all her friends with one and by then she had, had a special man in her life whom she decided she was going to call daddy despite my disapproval. This is when she was two she is only three now and he is still in her life as her Father.

[deleted account]

I gree with the other mom's about never speaking poorly about the father to the child. remain nuetral and point out the good parts when you can. for example, I tell me son all the time, "you got the best part of your daddy, his smile!" because it is true, and it is a doozy of a wonderful smile.

Shayla - posted on 06/21/2011

4

0

0

This is tough, and I am having the same issue as you. My son turned two mid May and is very aware of things around him. he knows something has changed in the mommy/daddy situation as daddy is no longer around. I have a hard time getting dad to come see him, too. Luckily I dont have his family around to remind my son that his dad doesnt come around, so I am as honest as I can be for his age when he asks for his dad. Like you, I want to protect my son, so I protect him with the truth as much as he can handle for his young age.
You're lucky his family wants to be part of his life. Take comfort in that. At least he will know his father's family. My ex-husbands family, whom I've gotten along with very well, have stopped contacting me simply because we're getting divorced. So they ignore my son too. I think that's lousy, but, hey, they're missing out on a great kid! If I were you, I would tell my son that "daddy loves you, but he just doesnt know how to show it, so he stays away. Maybe someday he will."

hope that helps, good luck.

Tina - posted on 06/21/2011

7

20

0

WOW...we have the same situation.. i have been trying to be understading too about not getting any financial help from baby daddy! ?? ava is almost 2 and he sees her once a month and i call him and ask him to take her..i need a break too! im so fed up and now he has a new job and still lies and tells me he can help out more..but no he is just telling me lies..should i write him out of our lives.???? i need help on this matter too so maybe we can help each other or just to talk about this issue! i love my baby girl so much and just want her to be happy and not go thru this back and forth thing with her daddy..a baby girl needs her daddy and she just doesnt have that.. i pray to god everyday for us and to get us thru this and put a wonderful man in our lives! so just pray and im here too! so do i just keep her from seeing him---because he isnt any help just in the way!

Alexandra - posted on 06/21/2011

5

16

1

I'm stuggling with this one too! I want to reassure my daughter that it is in no way her fault that her father can't be a part of our lives, I want her to know how much she is loved. I don't want to talk about my ex-husband as "Your father" because I don't want her to feel responsible for him or his actions or my anger at him. I can't call him F-ing crazy (although he is) becuase I don't want her to think that since he made half of her, she might be crazy too! What I have come up with so far, and I hope this helps, is that once upon a time, there was this man who helped mommy make you (with sugar and spice and everything nice) but he was not able to stay with us and be a forever part of our lives. And when she asks why not, I will simply tell her that I don't know, that would be a question only he could answer and he is not here to ask. I'm hoping that will hold off until she is older and able to understand a little more about the whole thing. I do know that several people have told me not to ever speak badly about her father because she will wonder if she is bad too. So I have started trying to speak neutrally about him. You don't have to make stuff up and sing false praise, but trying to keep the hurt or anger or disappointment our of the answers is good. And when they are young, simply short answers are the best. I really hope this helps. Good luck with your beautiful baby boy! :)

Bryndís - posted on 06/21/2011

64

49

1

Tell him the truth. My son has never even seen his father and he is 11 yrs. When he was 6 he was asking what he had done so that his father did not want him. I told him that this man was not a real father. Real fathers help raise their kids, teach them how to ride a bike and fishing and lots of other stuff. And I told my son that this man was just missing out on not knowing him. After this talk he never asked about his father again. It's been 5 yrs.
But you should let him see his grandmother and aunt.He is going to enjoy having the connection with his fathers family. They may be the only link he will ever have with his father. And maybe, trough them, the father will find the will to get to know his son.

Lana - posted on 06/20/2011

3

20

0

I really sympathize with u on this matter. My daughter is 4 and her father hasnt been around since she was 15 months old. His family doesn't ask about her or anything. As of right now I just tell her that he is a bad person and is missing out on a wonderful child. As far as the family goes that sounds like my family when I was younger. My mom let my grandma take me and my sister for the weekend and we eventually developed our own opinions of our father. The main thing is to say as little about him in front of ur child as possible and don't talk badly about him with ur child present. I'm sorry u r goin through this but trust u r not alone v

Tiffany - posted on 06/18/2011

76

0

6

Honesty and love are the two words that come to mind. Let in all his family that can provide love, because that will be the best for him. It will give him a sense of family even if it isn't the conventional standard. You want to model honesty to your son, so be honest yet loving when it comes to discussing daddy (but as Hannah mentioned before in an age-appropriate way). Deal with things as they come, but be aware that children are egocentric and make everything about them. In a child's mind it's very easy for them to assume the situation as their fault. I've thought about this a lot, because I'm in a similar situation. I plan to convey that we will always love daddy, but HE has shortcomings that make it hard for him to be the man and daddy that God intended him to be. It's not my boys fault, but he just doesn't know enough about love yet to be there for them like he should. I even think I will point out the good things about their father (his intelligence, his physical beauty, his work ethic, how he does help to support us, and so forth). That way I can tell them how they got the best parts of him.

Amanda - posted on 06/18/2011

155

6

9

Be honest, but don't talk trash about Daddy.

My kid's father was abusive, and I left him when I was 5 week pregnant with our second child. I'm honest with my kids, I say "Daddy and I did not get along, so we don't live together. I am a better mommy without daddy around, but we both still love you." ( I tactfully leave out that Daddy is a jobless, worthless abuser, who would rather get high and go fishing than be respected by his children.)

Sabrina - posted on 06/16/2011

33

14

2

Thank you, ladies, for the feedback. You made me more open to his family being around even if he's not around. Yeah, I guess I can't tell him his father is dead ;) It was just a thought...Besides, I have a feeling that he's not completely out of the picture yet. I wasn't going to disrespect his father in front of him, but I'm not going to say his father is a good man, either. Whatever happens, my son will be emotionally strong since I will teach him. My own father was never around either and I never cared. My dad adopted me and he's all the father I needed.

My son does have A LOT OF LOVE from me and my family and he has male figures in the form of his uncles and his grandpa. So, no worries there :)

It's still awhile before the questions starts, but I just wanted to make plans now, so when the time comes it won't stump me.

Thank you :)

Rebecca - posted on 06/16/2011

38

22

3

Let him know where he came from. You can't change biology and you can't force his father to love him the way you do. When he asks about his father, tell him his father can't be there for him like you are. But let him know he has one. Never bad mouth his father to him, or in his hearing. He will only resent you for it. Surround him with love. He will not truly realize the difference until he is closer to his teens or in them. My mother was the one who abandoned me when I was only weeks old and I was raised by my dad and eventually my step-mom. I was well into my teens before I ever felt the abandonment of my mother. My son is five and we are in a similar situation with his father. And as he grows, remember, there is a difference between a father and a daddy. If his father can't be a daddy, that's okay, because you will make sure that the people who surround him, love him. Don't try to force the father to be a daddy. If he hasn't shown the capability or desire to be a daddy to your baby, then he probably never will. And trying to force him will only your hurt your baby. If someone loves your child, like his fathers family, then let them. If your son feels loved, than he will be protected.

Nikki - posted on 06/15/2011

265

68

11

I completely understand as my son's father abandoned him when he was 8 months old. He saw him a few times until he was 16 months old then he moved to another state where his family lives as he relies on his oldest brother to "provide" for him. I know how it hurts for you as a mother of a child with a absent father . In fact my oldest daughter's father passed away when she was 16 months old. (Something about 16 months old bad luck for me I have thought and my children of course- just a strange thought I have had from time to time) -- So as she grew up it was hard BUT I could tell her all about her father and how much he loved her as he did so much and he was a wonderful father to her and sad as it is to say it was far less emotionally trying on her as her father was deceased and that was easier for me as a mother to relay to her and handle myself as opposed to now having a son who has a LIVING father who chooses to IGNORE HIS SON ! It has been so awful for my son. I would say follow your heart if your child's father wants to be around and hopefully he will step up to the plate for your child . I know it's hard. As for his family , In my humble opinion I think it's great they want to be in your child's life and hopefully that support structure will help your child's father really realize he is wrong and will eventually do right by your child. In my son's case his father's family ignores him too. They have met him only once and since his father ignores him they DO TOO!! Sad huh ?? AS for what to tell your child , I was always told to keep it age appropriate of course and never say a bad word about his father and I never have and I never will. My child can make up his own mind when that day presents itself. Also my son's counselor told me to always say "And it's NOT YOUR FAULT" at the end of everything I say regarding his father. I wish you blessings in your journey and God Bless you and your child, Nikki

Julie - posted on 06/15/2011

10

20

0

I grew up with a dad that didn't come around ever(he was too busy raising his younger 2 kids. One thing I can not stress enough is do not talk negatively about his father around him and 2nd do not keep his family away. I was very close to my fathers family and it did not remind me that my dad sucked. I never thought of it that way I just thought they were my family. My sons father is an abusive addict I would never tell him that when he used to ask I would just tell him that daddy isn't ready to be a daddy and reassure him of how much I love him and I'm not going any where

[deleted account]

You can only tell him the truth. I took a parenting class and they told me the same thing when I had asked about something similiar. (my sons dad comes and goes whenever he pleases and is also never there when it matters)

All you can do when the time is right, is tell your son that his father wasn't ready for such a joy and didn't want to be responsible, wanted to live his own life. But No matter what He says, He will always love his son. His blood and genes...But lying to your son will only make things complicated and teach him that lying is good.

Maybe his father will come around...maybe not.
But if he wasn't there from the beginning, then it will make alot more sense when you tell him that his father wasn't ready, since obvikously he wasn't around.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms