What to do about bio dad ?

Jessica - posted on 05/04/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My son will be 5 on Aug 29 , here is the pickle I am in. I don't know how to explain to him , that his dad is not his biological father, or when to do that. He biological father has meet him once in almost 5 years. His bio dad has wanted to remain out of the picture. And go so far as to walk the other way when he has seen me and his son together. I don't want to hide the fact but I also don't want to have my son get hurt by the fact his bio dad is playing daddy to his girlfriends 3 kids.

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[deleted account]

I've been through the clingy stages with all three of my girls. I know that they will be in safe hands as I only leave my girls with my family, school and/or friends - basically adults that I know and trust.

Even though my girls are older than your son, they still have their clingy moments. I inform them of upcoming things that aren't in our normal routine (e.g. when they're sleeping over at Grandparents house when I have a meeting to go to etc.). They may not always like it, but they know that they will see me the next day and they're in safe hands. I always make a point of giving them a kiss and cuddle then go. Normally when I'm out of sight, the performance gets switched off and they get on with something else.

Certainly if you keep the information relevant to your son and reassure him that just because his biological Dad doesn't factor day by day in his life, that you will still be there every day and that he isn't going to lose you anytime soon.

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Jessica - posted on 05/07/2012

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Thank you for the wonderful advice ladies and Bryndis thank you that is a great explanation

Bryndís - posted on 05/06/2012

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I had "the talk" with my son when he was 6. (and again the other night just to make sure he was ok, he is almost 12 now).
You really don't have to tell him anything about his father, just that he is absent by choice and a man who does that is never a real father.
A real father/dad is the man who plays catch with you, teaches you to ride a bike, takes you fishing and goes to get icecream when the weather is good. A dad is the man who is there for you when you fall, who watches cartoons with you when your'e sick, who comes to your school play and is there with you on christmas morning :)
This is what I told my boy and he was more than happy to accept this explanation :)

Charmamine - posted on 05/05/2012

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I think if I was in his shows and his dad has been on the scene along time and is happy to be dad I would probably wait most children for one reason or another will eventually ask if you are their real parents usually when they become aware that a friend has two dad's at school if they are asking than I would suggest they are ready to be told.
Otherwise maybe find some books that have multiple parents in them and fetch the discussion up around the books. There is always the question of why doesn't my real dad want to see me and I think if you cannot answer that honestly at this point he may well be too young to talk to him about it

Jessica - posted on 05/04/2012

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Thank you so much for the advice. I think the clingy stage is just a stage. Because I know when I am gone he is just fine, I think he is doing the same thing as your 7 year old :) thank you so much

[deleted account]

I'm assuming that his biological Dad is on his birth certificate? You could explain that he is 'lucky' to have two Dads, where most children just have one Dad.

Explain that his biological Dad is x, but at the current time can't or won't be part of his life. When this changes you will let your son know. Then there is your bf who is his day by day Dad - the one that does all the Dad/boring things with him - e.g. baths, clothes shopping, playing games with him.

At age 4/5 children see everything black and white. It's either right or wrong, few shades of grey.

You gave a good example of this - you were having a meeting with some clients in a restaurant, which was explained to him. To your son, this is probably the lines he was thinking along - Mum's work is in an office, restaurant is where you eat. The two don't mix - you couldn't possibly doing work in the location that Grandma had suggested. In his mind you were at work (at your normal location) and not having a meal at location B.

As being over protective/jealous - make sure that you spend quality time with him, and also reassure him that it is OK to let you out of his sight, be with other people. He may be going through an insecure phase (my 7 year old is having one of these phases, but as soon as I'm out of sight, she gets on with having fun with who she's with and doesn't 'need' me. The clingy/I need Mum is for my attention purposes, to make me feel bad. I know that I leave her in safe hands.) Could be worth having play dates between him and his friends - visiting each others houses, so that he knows that it's OK to be with Mum and also somewhere else. He'll learn that you will come back and do all the normal things that you do with him.

As for the information - keep it to the level that he can deal with. It could be worth sitting down with him and your bf and giving your son the basic information. Basic information is that biological Dad is x and that the man in front of him is also Dad, but the day by day Dad. Both men are important to him (in different ways). Be prepared for questions. Some of them you can answer straight away and others you could say, when you're older I will let you know more. Don't make any promises to him that you don't know if you will be able to keep and keep to the facts. If he asks why his biological Dad isn't in his life you could say something along the lines of 'I am not sure why, but I am sure there is a reason why he can't or won't be part of your life. It is something that I cannot answer for your biological Dad.'

Jessica - posted on 05/04/2012

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Thank you for the advice. My son is very sensitive, and very into what I think is law....as much as he wishes .. For example : I had to work late last night on a business meeting. My mother told him I went to a resturant for work with a couple clients. He then proceeded to argue with her that no I did not go to a resturant , I went to work. Its been an issue I have been struggling with.Bio dad walked out on him at two months and until recently had no want to see him. I think he still doesnt, he met him for two hours then canceled our next meeting, and has not rescheduled. I am just afraid at this point it may not be the right time as much as I want to tell him , the bf aka dad and I have had many talks about when to tell him.... My son is very jealous and has a hard time sharing me, with anyone, but he is also very protective of me... so I am worried if Itell him he has two dads he may not react very well or argue the point of no I only have one dad

[deleted account]

Take it slowly and carefully with no distractions and at home. Your son, at age 4/5 can be made aware that Dad who is everyday Dad, but your ex is biological Dad. Keep the information relevant to his age/development level. He doesn't need to have the full facts.

You could maybe explain to him that he has two Dads - his biological Dad who doesn't live with you/feature much in his life, then his day by day Dad - you're partner.

Try to stay neutral about your ex (I know it's difficult). Also worth noting that it is better coming from you and your partner than your son finding out when he's older from someone else and/or when he looks on his birth certificate and realises that the names of the Dad doesn't match up with the man who he's believed to be his biological Dad.

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