When is it ok to keep the father away.

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Beth - posted on 11/04/2010

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When they harass you or threaten you, don't help out with the child, and are not supportive.

Stephanie - posted on 11/05/2010

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Totally agree with Christina, if you go for child support and he has a dna test done then all he has to do is fill out paperwork and send it in for visitation. He doesnt need an attorney. If u dont get child support, he will have to pay for the dna test first! Not the courts. Which makes it more work for him. If hes a deadbeat, he probably wont go threw all the trouble. Only you can decide if the father is whats best for the baby, but i dont think you should feel guilty, you are only doing what you think is best for your baby, and thats only being a good parent. Goodluck

Amber - posted on 11/07/2010

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I have been through this. The thing is, lots of women feel that they don't want the father of their child around the child, but have no legal grounds to do so. If you don't put him on the birth certificate he will have no rights. BUT, if at any time he decides to file for his rights, he can do so. He would most likely get an attorney and file, but could also file on his own. It would then go to a commissioner who would make decisions based on the case. If he decides to do this, even if it has been years, you would have to prove that he is a danger to the child in order to keep him away from the child. Dangers could include physical or sexual abuse to the child. Sometimes, if there has been abuse to you or someone else in front of the child, that is considered abuse, but in a lot of cases, it's not. It depends on the decision of the court. You could fight letting him see the child, but unless you have proof that he is on drugs, has abused or neglected the child in the past, or is now, he would most likely get visitation. You could ask for supervised visits, and someone is appointed by the court to supervise. That can be a great thing because they serve as a witness to anything that happens and that could be helpful. I know how frustrating this situation is. I also know that even things that we may think are reason enough, often are not in the eyes of the law. Make sure you document every single thing. Every interaction. Keep a journal. Most of all, be nice. The last thing you want is to be overly upset or 'seem crazy'. Keep us updated on what happens. Such a difficult situation. I hope it sways in your direction. :)

Christina - posted on 11/04/2010

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The only legal reason to keep the father away is if being with the father could cause harm to the child. If you are pregnant and do not want the father around, do not put him on the birth certificate. Beware though, if you receive any kind of assistance through the government, they will force you to file for child support, and by doing that, the father is going to go for visitation rights.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/04/2010

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my sisters and I have talked about this bc I have to make some decisions for when my baby gets here. I decided that if the dad doesn't fulfill his responsibilities first whatever that may be, money, a safe way of living for the baby or at least when he's around the baby and a bit of maturity and civil-ness towards me then he doesn't deserve his parental rights. Things you expect may differ from other people depending on the person...basically it's just think about what's best for the baby bc that's all that matters.

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Julissa - posted on 11/05/2014

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I recently stopped my ex from seeing his daughter. He hasn't paid child support in a year and a half and he expects me to drop her off and pick her up when he wants to see her. He never helps with anything she needs. He has her lie to me about him having a job so i won't tell child support. He has her lie to me about him having a car so he won't have to pick her up or bring her home when he wants to see her. My daughter has told me so many disturbing things but i kept letting her go with him until recently because I've finally had enough. I just feel alone in all this.

Marcella - posted on 07/27/2014

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I am sorry about your situation. It sounds to me like your ex is mad because you have moved on and have other children. You can go to court for joint custody if you would like to. I think it is wrong for a mom to keep a child away from their father, if the father did nothing wrong. When this is happening the ex is usually jealous because they know they lost a good man or woman. It is hard enough to get some fathers to participate in their children's lives, and if one wants to the mother should allow it.

Laquandalimbrick - posted on 07/27/2014

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Going through the same thing my ex walk in on him smoking crack kick him out then came to c the kids ran off with them went to the police went to jail got out want to c the kids may tryin to to the kids through me

Rebecca - posted on 06/18/2014

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Can anybody help me at all.
I got caught pregnant quite quickly with my ex and he was never there for me during pregnancy. He hit me once and also sexually abused me. The police are aware and he has been arrested and on bail. I just want to know legally if anybody knows if I can keep my daughter away from him or is there any help any previous mums have got with similar issues to help them in court. He is taking me to court to get access to my 14 week old baby that he stopped seeing himself. he always said if i let him see her or not he will always take me to court. If he had changed and apologised and begged for forgiveness after what he did then he would have had more chances but he has pretty much let my baby girl down since the day she was born as his new girlfriend was more important. Nt once has he tried to see her - He just thinks that because he cant get hold of me that he doesnt have to try and make an effort to see her. We had our own arrangement of supervised access so me and baby was not on our own with him but he failed to carry on coming, What do I do. I feel like I am being backed in a corner and I cant protect my daughter because I do not have any money to get a solicitor for court against him.....

Cara - posted on 02/15/2014

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I left my sons father a year ago, due to him using heroin and hitting me with a clothes horse whilst I was heavily pregnant with my daughter and I had my son in my arms, he got a fine and hasnt seen his son since, now he has contacted a lawyer for contact, what should I do

Ldy - posted on 04/19/2013

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I have two children with two fathers. Father number one is a raging alcoholic and "serial impregnator." Any contact he has with my daughter always causes her distress. He's pretty poor about keeping up contact, though, so I lucked out. I don't have to keep him away, he stays away on his own.

Number two's father is a complete sociopath who snapped one day when I was three months pregnant. He ran me down with the car (literally hit me with it,) and then informed me that he had fantasized about cutting the baby out of me while I watched and bled to death.

He has no rights, and god help him if he ever comes looking for us.

Nora172 - posted on 04/18/2013

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hello fellow moms,
It has been a year since i left me ex, we were never married, but we did have three kids together, it took 8 times in attempting to leave and finally one stuck when he threw me down the stairs. we met when i was 19 and he was always very controlling and such and by the end of the relationship had me doing cocaine with him (i have not touched it since i left him) what concerns me is that i have now been hearing from people that not only is he using cocaine and getting others to do it with him but now he is using steroids as well. He also drinks everyday. I am trying to fight for primary residence of my children but it seems like it's not going anywhere and i am getting more and more concerned with my children's safety. I have had to cut off all direct contact with him since we have split up because every time we did have contact police were involved. I am also afraid that if i contact the social workers that he will retaliate and come after me or hurt the children, since he has anger issues to being with and is now on steroids as well... any advice as to what to do?

Nora172 - posted on 04/18/2013

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hello fellow moms,
It has been a year since i left me ex, we were never married, but we did have three kids together, it took 8 times in attempting to leave and finally one stuck when he threw me down the stairs. we met when i was 19 and he was always very controlling and such and by the end of the relationship had me doing cocaine with him (i have not touched it since i left him) what concerns me is that i have now been hearing from people that not only is he using cocaine and getting others to do it with him but now he is using steroids as well. He also drinks everyday. I am trying to fight for primary residence of my children but it seems like it's not going anywhere and i am getting more and more concerned with my children's safety. I have had to cut off all direct contact with him since we have split up because every time we did have contact police were involved. I am also afraid that if i contact the social workers that he will retaliate and come after me or hurt the children, since he has anger issues to being with and is now on steroids as well... any advice as to what to do?

User - posted on 12/06/2012

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Im not mom im a father of a 4 year old boy and my ex is keeping bim from when I done nothing wrong. I have visting rights and im married and have other children. My ex moved from where she was and wont let me know where they are staying. On top she wants me to spend more time with are son we had together and dosent want me to do nothing with my other kids cause she wants me to spend time with him everyday. So I told her why do we do joint parneting to where I can spend more time with him. But she wont do it cause she wont let him leave her side when he ask to go home with me. What do I do in this problem im having

K - posted on 09/27/2012

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I have an intervention order for 12 months against my ex, we are still legally married and have 3 young kids. He abandoned us for 2 years(I was just happy I finally got him to leave) and moved to another state during that time. He gave no financial support and had no contact with the kids during this time. Then he moved back about 12mnths ago being Mr Nice guy who'd learnt the error of his ways and I gave him the benefit of the doubt and attended COMPULSORY mediation with him each month giving him visitation under my supervision each Sunday. I would not let him be alone with our kids so we where given the Certificate saying we couldn't work things out by Family Relationships. They told me to get a good lawyer. Which is hard when you're supporting a 3 yr old a 5 yr old and a 6yr old by yourself on a single parent pension 70% of my money just goes on rent in Melbourne! I don't even have a car! (He took it when he left) I don't want ANYTHING from him at all just to leave us alone. It's so sad for the kids not to have a Dad but after 10yrs of Physical, phsycological abuse & him spending all our money on drugs(Once I had no nappies for my baby cause he spent our last cent on them!) I finally got my life back & had a safe happy normal life for my kids. A lot happened in my kids lives when he was gone like my daughter starting school etc recently he attacked me in my own home after his Sunday visitation in front of my kids, police came & I spent the whole next day in court for the intervention order which they would not give me for the kids only me so I complied as they are always with me. I have to hide the bruises while I try to maintain my normal routine, it's hard to explain to people your ex is a violent, sociopathic drug addict who loves to have power & control over you. After not seeing or living with him for so long. I AM now the one who has to prove what he's like to a court to get sole custody of my children. This guy is 40 yrs old he's not going to change. What can I do to continue my life with my children without his constant threat. My parents are helping me raise my kids and they treat my Dad as their Dad( He's only 56yrs old) and have a great role model, caring uncle, male teachers at school, so I really do not feel like he has ANYTHING to offer them. I will be OK if my kids hate me when their older because I KNOW it is the best thing for him to stay out of their lives completely. Why is the law OK with these guys having visitation & disrupting happy kids lives. When they are just playing these horrible power games and being so selfish!

Pr1ncesslissa86 - posted on 05/31/2012

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Victoria, if you believe he is still doing drugs, you can request that he submits to a drug test before being granted unsupervised visitation. I also left my ex because I caught him doing drugs in the bathroom of our apartment with our then 6 month old son. I didn't trust him alone with the baby after we split up because of the drugs and the way he treated my son. I wanted him to pass a hair follicle drug test in order to be granted unsupervised visitation and I was willing to pay for both him and myself. He knew the short period of time most drugs are detectable in urine, so thats why I wanted hair because it goes back for up to 3 months. He ended up admitting he had a drug problem in court a week later, before we were supposed to take the tests and he was only allowed supervised visitations.

Victoria - posted on 05/31/2012

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i didnt know he was a drug addict he kept that well hidden untill i caught him thats why i moved away with my son but i wanted to give him the chance because he said e was clean but hes not and ive had no further contact but hes saying hes going to take me to court let him im going to tell them everything

Pr1ncesslissa86 - posted on 05/29/2012

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I agree with Angela Heess. That pretty much describes my son's sperm donor to a T... And by that I mean selfish. Hasn't seen his 2 and a half year old son in 19 months, moved to another state for his new significant other 9 months ago, and now expecting a new baby. I feel like he's playing the role of the "happy dad-to-be" just like he did when I was pregnant, only to turn around and neglect the baby after its born. Really sad but I'm glad to say that my son is so much better off without him.

Jen - posted on 05/23/2012

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First of all, why are you ladies having babies by drug addicts with violent histories? Just askin.



Second of all, I moved out of state to get out of an abusive situation. He was not abusive nor did he show signs of the potential of him to become abusive before we got married. I was 19 when we got married. I knew that I didn't want my girls to grow up seeing this behavior as acceptable. I removed all three of us and started over somewhere else entirely.



If you are concerned about the safety of you or your child, obtain a restraining order. These are at no cost to you and will protect the both of you. All my contact with my ex-husband goes through his parents. We talk, we fight. So we don't talk. My oldest's father is a total douche. He has 6 kids by 4 different women and doesn't pay child support except to send $50 to be split among all the kids once a year to keep him out of jail.



It happens. We have kids by men we don't think will be total jacks, then we live with the consequences. If he is violent, remove yourself from the situation and/or get a restraining order. If he is a drug addict, he probably won't want to be around anyway.



I strongly suggest though that you keep some sort of line of communication open because when that child is old enough to know what is happening, you do not want to be made out to be the bad guy.

Kimmy - posted on 05/22/2012

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I went through this when I was pregnant with my son. The sperm donor threatened to kill me and my then unborn son so I decided he didn't need to be in our lives. Shortly after my son was born he showed up at my house wanting to be able to see my son and I told him he would have to get a DNA test. He never did and I haven't seen him since that day. So if you feel as though you or your child may be in danger if the father is around then try your hardest to keep him away!

Victoria - posted on 05/21/2012

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SORRY ABOUT MY SPELLING =( BUT am in the same situation my x is a drug user and drinks all time, he got his x pregnant the same time i got pregnant, i left him because of his drug use and cheating and beating ways, after my son was born, i thaught i would give him a chance thinking what he was saying was true HE CHANGED AND DRUG FREE, but while my son was 4 month old he was sat in my house HOLDING HIM and i noticed needle marks!!!! TOLD HIM TO LEAVE, so he strangled me on my kitchen floor and repeatedly punched me in the head because i said i was going to call the police but i marked his eye with my hand while i was waveing them about because he had old of my neck and blocking my airway and he turned round after he did it and said do u have any marks noticed i didnt , then noticed his eye and said he was going to call the police and say i assaulted him so it looks like im unstable after that he made me a coffee like it was normal n started huggin me saying SORRY I WAS IN UTTER PANIC because he was thretening to beet me WHILE MY SON WAS SLEEPING UPSTAIRS he left after that for me to wake next morning in complete FEAR AND HAVE NOT LET HIM HERE AGAIN THE BEST BIT WAS AFTER HE LEFT HE TEXT ME A DAY LATER SAYING LOOKS LIKE IVE BEEN BEETEN UP WITH MY EYE WHAT YOU UP TO YOU OK ,now cos he knows e gone 2 far he sends me messages threts with court saying i stopped him seeing his son because i have met some 1 else WHEN I HAVE NOT, its only me n my son and thats how its staying, THATS HIS EXCUSE AFTER WHAT HE DID, he lives 68mile away from me THANK GOD because if i still lived with him i would a been beet and i would a lived in fear with my son and him cheating all time,, im going to go through with court because am now on a program with domestic violence and they know his track reccord HE HAS 5 CASES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BUT I STILL GET SCARED thinking court will give him visitation, my son to him is just another 1 of his 8 children he only sees 3 and used to see my boy his OTHERS he says e not that bothered about because they was 1 night stands n there mothers chose to keep them SICK, he only hurts the wonen he cared bout well bullyd my son deserves better i feel sorry for his next victim who gets sucked in because he is he perfect man at first its months later when you started to care it all shows, I HATE HIM

Samantha - posted on 02/28/2012

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i have a 3 week old baby, the dads a voilent drug addict whos been in and out of prison all his life and lives between homeless accomadation and his mothers house, he has a bad bad anger problem and is heavy on drugs, but he wants to take the child off for weekends or for access alone with her, i know shes not safe with him, and he never paid a penny twords anything 4 her n she screamed the 3 times he came out here to see her... i live in a very good area with a respectable family and he has been out threathening us all, making a show of the family and frightening us all.. we let him into the house to see her (out of fear) but hes haressing me cause he wants her to take with him... i am thnking maybe going to court to let a court decide but im terrifiedd they would give him access, because you see when i got with him a few years ago i started taking drugs with him but then i got clean... but because i done that im scared they will think ive lost the moral high ground... the only time he was alone with her for 5min while i made a bottle he gave her a spoonfull of pasta, at 1 week old, i wouldnt know what he'd do if he had her for the day! im in ireland

Theresa - posted on 05/27/2011

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I can feel your pain going thru the same thing be strong and hang in there hopefully hell get distracted and move on

Kimberly - posted on 11/11/2010

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**Not judging you** just cant comprehend. How you can even contemplate having anyone around your child who abuses you in any way. If someone is physically or sexually assaulting you they have some serious issues.

Angela - posted on 11/11/2010

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Okay... my honest opinion... And i have answered a few questions around the boards today so you may have some idea of my thoughts... but I'll put them down anyway...

If the father is selfish... and I don't mean that he wants to buy a video game instead of a treat for ur chid lol... I mean selfish in that the father chooses what is better and nicer for his lifestyle over his child's... for example: moving interstate for a new partner or their career (if I had a job that expected me to move away from my child, I would get myself a new job), if they are selfish in their lifestyle choices - drugs, excessive drinking, living with people who also take drugs, who have a very extreme mental illness that effects others, violent etc etc. If they choose to want to spend time or contact their child, but then decide not to cos it doesn't suit them.... then come back how ever much later (and I am meaning many months for younger children, to years even for older children). If they are irresponsible or harful when caring for the child, and I am not meaning giving them lollies before dinner, lol. In my mind, leaving them alone in the house when they go out (younger children), purposefully feeding them foods which are against their religion (kosher etc), neglect, abuse, violence, emotional, mental and spiritual harm, harm to animals or people (showing a pattern of abusive behaviour that will one day spill over onto your child)...
If they wanted the mother to abort the baby before it was born... one must take time to think if the father would rather have had the mother abort, but then now the child is here says that they love them, much long and deep thought must be taken.
Sexual abuse to the child, parent or others in the community - whether in sight of the child or not.

Previously neglectful, selfish, abusive etc fathers can change... but many do not. Out of the ones that 'have changed', many only seem to have done so, they are holding together a facade in order to manipulate others around them. I applaud loudly the small percentage of fathers that truly do make a deep and lasting change, I believe if they can prove long term and true change, then by all means, they should start reunification with their child as they no longer pose any mental, emotional, physical, sexual or spiritual harm.

I think that is what it boils down to - potential harm. No-one can know for sure if someone will do anything harmful to your child. HJowever we need to look at the POTENTIAL for any kind of harm, and base our decisions on that. I believe that if there is a surety or a very high chance of any aspect of harm coming to the child (again, physical, sexual, mental, emotional or spiritual), then someone needs to step up and protect the child - even if it is sadly from their biological parent. The right for the child to be safe, and live a safe, stable and enriched life DEFINITELY overrides any parental rights (whether they are maternal or paternal).

There is a spectrum, courts do not allow for this. Children can be more or less sensitive, more or less emotional, more or less... (insert here). Courts do not allow for any of this. You know your child best, and their father as well. As long as you are making a decision for the well being of your child without involving your personal feelings about their other parent towards you, then you are doing the right thing. There will always be people that agree with your decision, and there will always be people that disagree. Noone knows what it is like to have to protect your child from their father, unless they have been in the same situation. Again - it is a relative question, with a spectrum of different answers. This is some of my thoughts - and some of them are not fully defined. I hope u can understand my jibber jabber, lol.

Jeni - posted on 11/11/2010

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I've been through a lot with my sons dad. I've gone through physical and sexual abuse. Especially when our son was in the room or even while i was holding him. Anyone have suggestions on THAT? Or am i just losing my mind...He is currently in DOC (prison) right now and claims to wanting to be with me when he gets out and wanting to be in our sons life. Help? I am 19 with a 1 year, 1 month year old son.

Kimberly - posted on 11/10/2010

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Isee a lot of "if you get support that means dad gets to do what he wants" Not the case, not the case at all. In fact solely by being the mother you are entitled to custody unless you are deemed unfit. In family court Support ($$$) is a completely seperate matter that custody and visitation. And if your child's BIO dad is harming you or the kids, that is enough justification to warrant keeping him away (or der of protection. You need to talk to someone in your state and county/ city it varies all over as to the procedure for all these items. Start with a phone call to the clerk of courts in the county where you live they will be able to direct you.

Lisa - posted on 11/09/2010

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Hi, well I right now let the father come and go as he pleases but it has recently causes some emotionally reactions from my son, accidents that don't occur otherwise and tears, so we are going to talk about either have a schedule or I don't know, I don't want my son not to have a father but I don't want him to be affected emotionally either.

[deleted account]

My baby is 2 months old and I have court this month. I haven't asked for a dime and don't even care about child support. I just want him to stay away. He's not on the birth certificate either... anyone gone to court in this situation? He's a sociopath and I have some proof That he is mentally unstable and some other things.

[deleted account]

I'm wondering too!!!! I got pregnant by a crazy sociopath and don't know what to do!! Going to court soon

Leanne - posted on 11/04/2010

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When you feel the child may come to halm or distress with the father!

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