Where's My Daddy?

Ayana - posted on 12/18/2011

The truth. I don't believe in lying. I have a 5 year old son and I tell him everything. His father would rather be with me in order to be in his son's life but I'm not going.

Sherry - posted on 12/15/2011

Do you have the book, "Do I have a Daddy?"

Katherine - posted on 12/15/2011

My son is 4 and his father has been in and out of his life....the sad fact is if a man doesn't want to see their child its their lost.....and when it comes to telling ur daughter just tell her that her father doesn't want to be there....u would be surprised how much children understand.....my son understands I'm not happy with his father and that i can't be with him anymore

Olivia De - posted on 11/14/2011

I read all the replies and I realize there's a bunch of us battling with this problem. I chose to leave my abusive husband never thinking that he will ignore our son. He gets periods were he wants to come and fetch him (his 21 months old). I refuse because he's suicidal. I've started writing letters to my son, explaining (not too much detail) why I had to leave and when he is old enough he will have the choice to see his daddy. Our kids knows that something is wrong, even from a young age. They sense our sadness and worries. I try and be honest without bad-mouthing his dad even after he called my son names. So far, he refuses to come see him if he is not allowed to take him - that's his choice. My son's safety is 1st and foremost in my mind. When they get older the best thing is be honest without hurting them. I explain to mine even at this age that daddy is not well and that's why I left. If he gets better he can come and fetch him. That's it. When he gets older and asks specific questions I'll deal with it. I've blamed myself too long for my husbands' actions - no more. He chose to be abusive and adulterous and I chose to give myself and my son a future. The best thing is be there for your child when the questions come and when they feel alone and sad because they don't have a father in their lives. I try and do what is necessary to keep him happy. If your child is happy and secure with you it lessens the hurt and rejection they experience through something like this.

Antoinette - posted on 11/13/2011

I was worried about how I was going to deal with this when my son was born, he's only 2 now so it's still not an issue yet but I stumbled across a book at the library called "Do I have a Daddy?" A Story about a Single-Parent Child written by Jeanne Warren Lindsay, printed by Morning Glory Press, Buena Park, California.
It's an actual story that you can read to a child with an extra section for the parent. Basically be honest, but you don't have to go into the details.
The cover synopsis is (hopefully I'm not breaking any copyright here): Erik feels bad when his friend, Jennifer, taunts, "You don't have a daddy." "Wheres my daddy? Do I have a Daddy?" he asks his mother.
Erik's mother explains that he, like all children, has a daddy, but that she and his father never married. His father went away soon after Erik was born, she says, adding "The important thing is I'm here for you."
In the Special Section for Single Parents, young single parents and several professionals discuss such critical issues as the never married parent and the totally absent father.
The story also suggests the child may like to spend more time with male relatives. Which is something I encourage with my son. I live with my parents so it's easy to get some time with my dad and he gets to see his cousins and uncles regularly.
The story also discusses whether or not he will have a daddy one day. I'm not looking to find a daddy for my kids (I also have a foster daughter who is 8mos older than my son, I've had her since birth), but if (REALLY BIG IF lol) I do ever get into a relationship that guy will know that it's a package deal, all or nothing. My kids are more important to me than any man. And I don't need a man.
I personally am of the view that 'Daddy' is earnt but appreciate that children aren't likely to differentiate so in time I may have to get over that.
I also agree not to bad mouth the father in front of the child, let the child form their own view over time.
Hope this helps :) Good luck.

Puja - posted on 11/13/2011

Hi haven ! I;m going through exactly what your are going through..though it's helpful to know that my child is not going to be alone dealing with this dilemma..it's quite heartbreaking as well.
When my daughter asked me the first time where her Daddy is..I told her that she's specials and doesn't need 2 parents to take care of her..some children are very naughty they need 2 sometimes even 3 parents and sometimes when the child is gifted God gives them 1 parent cuz they are a delight to handle..i've tried to expose my daughter to different set of families...adopted children , other single parents and I make sure I take her to orphanage and talk to her about being fortunate enough to be born to me (hehehe) ...cuz i love her to death (I know all mothers do...but SHE doesn't know that yet !!)..well the idea is to give her a positive outlook and tell her it's ok to be surrounded by different kinds of people (in my case my parents n me) but what is important is that they love you.
Though have to tell you that trying to resist bad mouthing your ex is one of the most difficult things that I do but it's easier to eradicate all the links linking your child to your ex. Hope I could be of some help

Sherry - posted on 11/12/2011

Just be honest. My daughter, 7, has never laid eyes on her sperm donor. I have always been honest with her. She now knows the reason he isn't around is because he doesn't want to be around. She knows he left when I was pregnant. There really isn't a reason to try to sugar-coat it. It is what it is. I did put my daughter in counseling for awhile when she was 6 just to make sure she was ok.

Alana - posted on 11/11/2011

I made the mistake of sugar coating to my 5 year old when he father was no long in the picture. I kept saying he was away a while for work etc.

I finally told her that same year hes not going to be around he doesnt want to be and he isnt interested in seeing her. It was hard to tell the truth but she doesnt question it.

You daughter at 5 is alot more perceptive than im sure you give her credit for. Children are very preceptive and she will be able to tell you are hesitant.

If you arent comfortable i suggest going to see a child counselor. My daughter saw one that was at her school during the day so it was at no extra cost to me. It was helpful for her to talk about how she felt and not dump it on her mom that she knew was already stressed. See if your childs school has some sort of program that can help her get thru this.

Michelle - posted on 11/10/2011

Hi there, I totally sympathize with you, I have a 5 year old son, who is the absolute love of my life. James last saw his dad 4 years ago. And yes he asks about him, I have never bad mouthed my son's father in front of him and never will (although I could think of plenty) I myself grew up without my biological father around and my Mother just gave us the best answerers she could and as my brother and I got older we came the our own realization who and what our father was and still is. I always tell James that his dad lives far away and that he loves him. Sure enough I don't want to lie to him but at that age there is certainly nothing worse than hearing one of your parents don't give a damn about you and I'm not willing to break my child heart at this stage. As he gets older he will (Like I did) except the fact that his dad chose not to see him or take any interest in his life, unfortunately it's a fact of life and I will most certainly be there for him when it gets a little tough to handle. My advice is, make your answers short and sweet, true not harsh, lots of love. Purchase a book on the subject, there are also plenty of childrens books that explain on their level. I will keep you in my prayers and trust and hope God provides you with all the right answers

Lydia - posted on 11/10/2011

I have a 4 year old and the same thing is going on. Except when I ask her, she simply says she doesn't have a daddy. It broke my heart to hear her say that, but it was true. I have always been honest with her. When she asks where her daddy is, I tell her I don't know. When she asks why, I tell her I don't know. Because I don't and he won't tell me why. After trying so hard to get him to see her or talk on the phone, I gave up. She has spoken to him once on the phone, and I think that was enough for her. This will probably be the hardest conversation to have but it is the most important. It shows that mommy is always honest with her and loves her. She slowly learn that where ever daddy is, it's not with her and it is his choice. Nothing that she or mommy did made daddy leave or are keeping her from seeing him. Children understand more than adults give them credit for. My daughter is happy and knows that her family are the ones who love her and see her daily. She will soon learn that people have to put in an effort. It will make her sad, but she will feel like a big girl after having such an important conversation with mommy.

Haven - posted on 11/10/2011

thanks Ashley, you were helpful. Maybe I do need to be completely honest, even if she is only 5. I can't just say he lives far away, or that he's too sick cause she might get scared to tell me if she is sick cause she would think she would'nt be able to see me either.

Ashley - posted on 11/10/2011

i wish i could be more helpful

Ashley - posted on 11/10/2011

I know my daughter is only 11 months old but i still think about what im going to tell her when she is older and asks about her father and i keep telling myself that ill tell her the truth when she is old enough to understand the whole situation but i never thought about what to tell her if she asks at the age of 5 u cant really expect them to understand to the fullest at that age or maybe they would i feel that honesty is the best policy so maybe just be honest

Haven - posted on 11/10/2011

Oh, and I've tried the "some familly's dont have daddys" but she doesn't buy into it.

Haven - posted on 11/10/2011

Thanks for your responses but I'm not looking for someone else for her to call daddy. I want to know what to tell her that happened to her daddy, why can't she see him. I can't say he's dead cause he's not and cant keep saying he lives to far away cause she asked why cant we drive there,and so on. Who else is dealing with this and how do they explain in a way that makes their kids "happy" with that answer.

Ashley - posted on 11/10/2011

Id have to say the same thing my daughter is only 11 months old and her father hasn't seen her since she was like 5 months old i used to beg him to come see her but he seem to not care i gave up with him i got tired of begging him so luckily i found someone who is willing to love the both of us and be there for us etc. i really hope you find someone who you wont have to beg to see and be there for your beautiful daughter there are guys out there that would love to be there for the both of you good luck :)

Feyikemi - posted on 11/10/2011

I say any Man can be a father ( I mean any man that can get a lady pregnant can be called a father) but it takes someone special to be called a Daddy, if he doesnt want to see her then its okay that means he's just a father, what your daughter is asking for is a Daddy, someone special, someone she can look up to, someone she can trust, someone that would love and appreciate her and show her affection. Pray that God will bless you with a man that will be there for both of you, someone she will grow to know as a Daddy. A special one at that. All the best.