Why do I still cry for what my ex has done to me and my kids! How can I move on?

Iiz - posted on 08/01/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Ok so Im 25yrs old and a single mom of a 7yr old boy and 6yr old girl. Their dad split when my son was 5, he would talk to his ex on and off until I was finally fed up! I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. He was emotionally abusive at times. We had our moments where I thought we could really be happy but this girl kept creeping around even though we lived states apart. She had the nerve to look for him knowing we were together and expecting our 2nd child. Not to mention she was a single mom at the time from a deadbeat dad (one of my ex's excuses to talking to her was because he felt sorry for her, yea right!) so why would she dare step into someone else's relationship. Anyway fast forward since then I've been doing great! I have a good job, I'm living with my parents just because I really can't afford my own place, I have my own car, I learn to become Independent to a point where I'm able to support my kids. I'm dating a great guy(: but i sometimes find myself crying at night. I don't know if it's just that I'm overwhelmed or because I haven't completely gotten over what my ex has done. He left his kids to be with that girl which he's now living with, has a daughter with her, and is taking care of a daughter that is not his!! He will not see his kids, he will not call them. He even tried getting out of child support by saying our son was not his!>:( he would always try to make himself the victim. I honestly tried to put everything behind me for the sake of saving a relationship between him and the kids, I tried to be a "friend" his response was that he couldn't. He was around for the first 6months. He verbally agreed with me to help with their expenses, the month he was suppose to start he completely bailed. Since then it's been a battle. I've been looked at like the crazy baby mamma when I haven't done anything to them!! They were the ones to make up stories to make me look bad and he tried to say I'm the reason he won't see his kids when I'm the one that wanted to keep some peace so he can be there for them I was the one being civil. I can't say I hate him. But I do hate him for what he has done to our kids. I just can't seem to completely get over it all. I feel so stressed out at times. It's hard to find someone to relate so I keep so much bottled up which I know it's not good.

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Jade-Michelle - posted on 08/01/2012

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You're crying because you're human. Your ex betrayed you and the children you had together. He's playing happy families with someone else and rejected his own children, he's an idiot and you cry cos that idiot is the father of your children and you want better for them. Ask any single mom dealing with an absent father and they'll tell you they wished the father of their child(ren) was a great guy who would do anything for the kids. It's sounds like you are angry about the situation, which is completely understandable. I haven't been in a relationship since my daughter was born, I have vowed to never have another one either because of how things turned out with her father. I sometimes cry too, I wish he wasn't her dad, I wish it was someone who adored and cared for her. As you said, you are supporting your kids and you're dating a good guy, you're in a good place. It's okay to be sad about what your ex has done to your kids. So have a cry every so often, if it helps. As for the stress, I feel the same often, my best suggestion is once the kids are asleep go have a nice long hot bath, stick a dvd on, pour a glass of wine and have a bit of chocolate. You're perfectly normal, and as time goes by you'll cry less over him. x

Louise - posted on 08/01/2012

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You have moved on my friend. You have a lovely fella in your life, but the feelings of betrayal and hurt will linger for years to come. You have to think differently that your ex is a pig and you are better off out of it than stuck in a relationship that was abusive at times. You have a great opportunity now to do something with your life. You have the future to look forward to without answering to him. Think positive and get invloved in finding a good job to support the kids and to move out. Only then can you really move on. The best revenge on your ex is to show him he is not missed and live a happy life with your kids. It is his loss and one day when it is too late he will realise that he was a dick and missed out on so much with his kids.Think yourself lucky from now on. You have got the treasure and he is empty handed!

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Kristin - posted on 08/01/2012

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Ahh hun you will be fine i promise. My ex left me when our son was a year old than 3 years later he came waltzing back in our lives promising that he wanted us to be a family and he loved us and he had changed. Needless to say I wanted my son to have his father so very badly that I put the past aside and decided to give him another chance. It lasted 6 months and I wound up pregnant with our second child. He bailed the minute I told him I was pregnant. thankfully I still had my house but here I was a single mother with 2 kids pregnant with a third and laid off from my job. I managed to make it through and gave birth to my one and only beautiful daughter. Her dad has not bothered to come see her even once nor does he pay support for our 2 kids. It hurts that they will never know their father but I also know that they are way better off without him as he is mentally abusive and immature. I have a wonderful man in my life now (an old flame) who has taken on my kids like they are his own. He is especially close to my daughter and my 6 yr old son, and my daughter who is now 16 months old has started to call him dada. As hard as things may seem sometimes I know that everything happens for a reason and the way they are meant to happen. Never feel guilty for taking mommy time we al need time for ourselves and it keeps us sane. Keep going in the path you are going and one day you will realize that him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to you and your kids.

Iiz - posted on 08/01/2012

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Jade I'm the only single mom I know.. I know theres millions of single moms out there but no one that I'm really close to. My sis in law might be the closes I have to that, she had her first boy before meeting my brother, but my brother has raised him like his own since my nephew was 1yr old. So she somewhat understands the pain but she has always had my brother to help and support her and loves my nephew just as much as he loves his biological son. You can't tell the difference! I hope one day I can say I have someone like that. How old is your daughter now? It is very difficult to even consider dating again after going through something like this. Honestly Im glad I never married my ex and sometimes I just can't imagin ever getting married because of what I have been through. It took me a while after my ex left to even consider dating. I used to think no one would take me serious and most importantly I thought that no one one love my kids as their own or love them as much of they had their own biological kids so therefore no way in hell would they deserve me! I'm ok with it being me and my kids. And if I can't have a relationship or get married until in 40 or 50 so be it! Lol as long as my babies have a great life they deserve. II understand what you mean that you wouldn't want another relationship. But I learned that I can't let what he did to me change my life and blame everyone else for it, there's some good guys out there and you'll know once you meet him. I'm very causious about the guy I'm dating, he's been there even when I ignored him for a month because I thought he wasnt going to take me serious. And turned out I was wrong. Hes very understanding and doesn't push my limits or cause me stress, I'm suprised how understanding he is. He never asks for more time then I can actually spend with him, he knows my kids come first. He actually helped me not to feel guilty about having some time to myself. When he met me it was always work, and be home with my kids. I was extremely overwhelmed and never took a moment to myself. I felt guilty to even go have diner we with friends. But he gave me some encouraging words that helped me. It's ok to have sometime to yourself. It's better for your kids as well, you have a moment to unwind and give 110% to your Lil one.

Last night I saw a quote online, it said something like "you can't laugh over the same joke over and over again, so how can you cry over the same thing over and over again"
I took it as laugh more and cry a lot less.. I hate having that pain, and having to cry about it even though it's been 3yrs. But your right it's ok to cry, it lets a lot of stress out and it helps

Suzie - posted on 08/01/2012

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Thats all you can do... it seems like you are doing as good as can be expected given your situation. I think its times like you mentioned in regards to Father's Day that shows how resourceful and dedicated you are to your children's happiness.

Iiz - posted on 08/01/2012

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Sarah, I've been dating this guy for about 8 months. We are seriouse but not exclusive yet. I want to make sure I know what I'm getting myself into before commiting to a relationship but so far things are good. He hasn't met my kids, just because I want try to and be sure enough of him to meet my kids. My kids love quickly and can get attached to someone if they see good in them. So I want to be sure his in it for the long run. I did file for child support about a year ago. He just started paying a few months ago so eventhough it's not much it's something that's helping my kids.

I'm trying to get back into school and it's hard because I don't want to lose time from kids. I'm already working full time but I really dislike my job and the way things are its hard to get another job. So im goiing to enroll to online classes and work full time to get me going.

I'm very thankful to have my parents support. My kids love them so so much and eventhough their dad isn't in their life they have my brothers and dad as male figures to look up to. For a day like fathers day I thought my kids that they get to have uncles and grandpas day so at school they make gifts for them and won't feel left out I hope (: I try to be the best I can for my kids and give them twice the hugs, kisses, and I love you's. Thanks for your response it's greatly appreciated and I'm glad I found this site. It helps to have someone to talk to that understands where your coming from

Iiz - posted on 08/01/2012

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Thanks this was was helpful, I now looked at my situation from a different point of view. I truely em happy and I know I'm doing way better without him. Sometimes it gets so tough and i keep things bottled up inside until I reach breaking point. It's stressful having a full time job that I really don't like. But I can't complain too much because it helps me pay my bills and Im able to buy my kids everything they need. This healing process takes longer then I thought. And maybe it never completely goes away. Like you said the feeling of betrayal may always linger in the back of my mind. I wish that my children can have their father in their life because everyone says its so important, and the time he was with us he was a good dad to them but it all changed once he left. He had a bond with our son and daughter I can't deny that he was bad to them at that time in our life, but at the same time he was hurting them by the things he'd say to me. I'm grateful to have my families support and my kids now have a strong bond with 2 of my oldest brothers which gives them someone to look up to.

Suzie - posted on 08/01/2012

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I think you need to focus on what you do have.... don't focus on what you have "lost" or what your kids have "lost". Seriously, you have lost an abusive person who didn't respect you. Why would you be upset at losing that?! haha And your kids have "lost" somone who doesn't care the way he should. I know its hard because you want the best for your kids and whats best for your kids is having a father that cares about them enough to be involved in their lives. But unfortunately, the reality is tough. And you are going to have to let that image go. My daughter is 3. My exhusband and I separated when she was 3 months old and divorced when she was 1. I grew up in a completely normal dysfunctional house with 2 parents and 2 sisters. I wanted her to have that... But at some point, you realize... thats never going to happen for her... no matter how badly I want that for her... So, that's when you have to make the conscious decision to give your kids the best with what you have.

Focus on what your kids do have. They have a strong relationship with you, they have a strong relationship with their grandparents and that in itself is rare as so many grow up seeing grandparents on occassion. You say you have a nice boyfriend who is good to you and the kids. One of the advantages of a nuclear family is that children are able to see how to have a healthy, sustainable relationship with somone. It doesn't take the kids biological dad to show them this and from what you say... it wouldn't have been possible. I don't know how serious you are with your boyfriend but at some point you will find someone and be able to give your kids this. You will be able to show them how to "fight" the right way, how when you do argue, it doesn't mean the other person will check out, how to show the other person you care, etc. It will also provide your kids with the role model they need. But I am sure your dad also fulfills this for them.

I know it is much better for my daughter to grow up in two homes that are happy then one home that isn't. Its also better for your kids to grow up "without" bio dad, then to have a horrible dad in and out of their lives. But whether he chooses to see your children or not, he is financially responsible to providing for them. If you don't have child support, call your state office. It doesn't cost anything to get it set up through the courts. If he doesn't acknowledge the kids are his, then they will do a partenity test. But either way you will end up getting something every month. And if you want the best for your kids, a little extra money each month to ensure they have everything they need, wont hurt.

Let the other girl have the mess and issues that comes with that guy and be grateful that you are in a position where you can have so much better.

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