why is it so hard to let the father of your child go, even when your the one who left them?

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Nikki - posted on 11/30/2010

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Such a great question Ashley , I think it's because of the obvious and that is we have a child with them and for some reason (in my case) my son's father does not seem to "get it" . He thinks it's still about he and I and our failed relationship so he left and never looked back. My son has not seen or heard from him in years . Totally abandoned him. I stay resentful because of what he is doing to our son . I have told him (when I could contact him , can't anymore cause he would never answer his phone!!) that it's not about us at all anymore and he has a son I am raising whom loves and wants to see his father. His father has never paid child support either and I still allowed my son to call him to try to at least speak with him yet he ignored his message . Sad huh ? The simple truth of the matter is we need them in our child's life for every reason so that is why I have not "let go" of "trying" to pursue support and I still send a email from time to time and I probably always will because I won't allow him to simply move on with his life as though he never had a child and a wife !!! I have friends who have said "just let it go" but I can't for the honor of my son's life. He does exist, he is human with feelings and he is REAL !!! LOL , so my point of view works for me as I am doing all I can for our child while he simply ignores us. It's against the law too !! The other thing people don't understand is when a father abandons his child , the responsibility is 100% on the mother , not just financially but the caretaking as well !! I have been nowhere in 4 years !!!! Seriously!!! I have not a soul to keep my son for me to even go to the store !!! So everyday is groundhog day and it seems to me like yesterday his father and I parted / were together because my life stopped . It's all raising our son now and I don't mind cause I love my son but again I don't think people really get it . It's not like his father picks him up every other weekend !!! I would love a break but it's not going to happen !!! I just wish my son's father would grow up and be civil towards me at least and I would be in return !!! As it stands now I am not so nice to him BUT I have tried being nice and it didn't work!!! I have tried every angle actually but nothing worked. I am working on accepting the fact he is the way he is but it's still hard. I couldn't imagine walking away from your own flesh and blood . I guess as alot of the other Moms have said it takes time to heal and move on yet we don't ever get to move on for good as again we have their child :) It's a situation that will never change in that regard. I am trying to make the best of it yet life is still life and once we are put in this situation it is forever. I understand how you feel and for me I do pray alot and hope for a better future for my son and I and I know God will send us a good Dad and husband one day :) I have faith and once that takes place I know it will be better . I would love for my son to have a male figure in his life to be supportive of him , love him, and do guy things with him . I hurt when I see Dads and their sons at the park, mall etc. In the end it is their loss . GOd Bless

Jannell - posted on 12/30/2009

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I agree with you ALL!!!!!!!! My sons father went on"vaction" 6 months ago and got "stuck!" My son crys ALL the time for his daddy!

We split up before he left. It was much easier to just raise him alone, and not have the extra conflict of how to raise a achild. I do EVERYTHING in my power to allow his father to be in his life. My son is only 3 so I also cover for his father. When he gets older he will be able to make those chocies and options about his father. And I will know I did the right things! Good LUCK ladies!

Emilie - posted on 12/29/2009

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Being alone is not much fun. However bad it was (and for me it was pretty bad), it's very normal to feel this way. There a strong biochemical reasons why. It gets better with time. Just remember to take care of yourself, your child needs you. If there are particular situations that are really tough, try to find a way to change them. For me, it is that my ex NEVER sets foot inside my home. His supervised visits are either in a public place or at the home of a mutually trusted person. Having him be in the home we shared for so many years was just too confusing at the beginning. I found that this helped my son adjust as well. Just keep making the effort and eventually, it will start to feel different.

Kristen - posted on 01/05/2010

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The father of my son was a totally jerk. Wasted 2 years of my life. We had a wedding and everything. I think because of everything he did, like abusing drugs and stealing ans threating to hurt me I was afraid. It was just a matter of time. Once my son Christopher was hospitalized thanksgiving of 2008. He was never there. I just totally had enough and I knew I wanted a healthy relationship and more children and I couldn't see him in my future anymore. So I told him I was leaving and he got upset but then once I left it only took him a couple of months to move on to the next woman. That hurt because i was stuck with all the bills and debt, and this jerk is living life to the fullest. But once we started to go to court and everything kept turning out better for me I felt less stress and no more anxiety over this man. So dont stress over him it's not with it and just take care of your beautiful child...

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Khumsi - posted on 05/25/2012

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That's exactly how I feel. For a long time I was unhappy being with him and i knew that leaving was the best thing for me and my daughter. But it is hard to just let go because at the end of the day, we once loved each other. We have good memories and have a child which will forever bind me with him. That's why its not easy to let go.
Im working on just seeing him as the father of my daughter and nothing else.

We are good friends but its not easy because I have moments of weakness where I think something will happen but then it doesn't. Which then takes me back emotionally because its then that I get a wake up call that Im not over him. Well its only been 2 months so its still early days for me.
Good Luck and God bless... We are all going to be fine.

Lynn - posted on 01/04/2010

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You will always have feelings for him even though you are the one who left. I am guessing you just recently broke up. It gets easier as time goes on; but I'll tell you...I left my daughter's father when she was an infant, moved on with my life and now 15 years later, he is showing me that he has not and does not want to let go by his negative behavior toward me. Stay true to yourself, do right by your child. You'll be okay. God bless!

Bonnie - posted on 01/04/2010

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in the same boat... i fell in love with a life long friend then we crossed that line and had a relationship, we have a son who is 2 1/2 i want a commitment. but he doesnt, its a long story i have finally come to realize its not going to happen and the best thing for me to do is to move on... but im so in love with him and want us to be a family but how many years are you to wait and keep and giving chance after chance and nothing ever happens or changes it breaks my heart... daily... my son loves his daddy but daddy plays games he wants to date mommy and see baby but no commitment no child support etc... : (

Ashley - posted on 01/03/2010

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I know how you feel. You will always have feelings for them no matter how hard you try to get rid of those feelings. It's like everytime you look at your kids you will see some part of him but you will always love him

Clare - posted on 01/02/2010

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Well it took 10 years to properly leave mine and i put it down to old fashioned traditional values of family,and putting my sons needs before my own. He's not a nice person and has been abusive but has always been there for his son. If I could have left him for good without this link i definitely would have done long before now!

Lisa - posted on 01/01/2010

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No matter what ever happens between a couple, that bond of the babies will carry on forever. It's something you can't change. And I agree that with carrying part of your ex inside you for 9 months (in my case twice) it does make it tougher because the bond is stronger. Take care and God bless

Tomekia - posted on 12/31/2009

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It is kinda hard to let go.I've been there.We have been together for six and half yrs.had 2 children and at times you have to listen to your heart.See I left him for all the right reasons.But letting go;you will always have something to hold on to like your lil' one.You all shared a connection and it is with your child.Sometimes I do say I miss him but the only thing I can do is keep him in prayers.Life goes on and he have to forgive you for that.It will take some time to heal but always listen to heart and what's best for you.Everything will be alright and if you have faith in God he will make a way for you get through it.Stay strong maybe it was the best I don't know.I hope everthing work out for you.

Rachel - posted on 12/31/2009

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Kinda going through this right now. My son's dad and I kept getting together and breaking up for a few years. Definitely an unhealthy cycle. Our last break up was in October and I finally said enough was enough. Even though he asked me to try again to work things out a couple weeks ago, I told him no. I don't think he's right for me and don't want to continue being unhappy. In spite of this I still miss him and sometimes get emotional when I know he's coming to pick up our son. It's so hard to let go of someone who has shared some of the most important experiences of my life. I wanted to be a family and feel sometimes like I have failed. But I'm hopeful that someone or something better is on its way. All we can do is let it go, trust God and move forward.

Brandy - posted on 12/30/2009

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If I knew the solution, I wouldn't be in the same boat. There's no way around it, I guess. It sucks but I hope everyone posting is right and it will get easier with time. *hugs*

Stefanie - posted on 12/30/2009

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It just takes time. Just think you are better off or else why did you leave?

Time heals all wounds

[deleted account]

It's mainly hard because you have 1)have a child together and 2)despite not being with him anymore you still have to interact and communicate with him because of this. I understand where you're coming from, my daughter is 2 1/2 and no matter how bad I want to be I'm not over her dad. You will learn to put your feelings aside and focus on the well being of your child. Just keep in mind, there was a reason behind you leaving him in the first place, so focus on your child and his/her well being as well as your own. Make sure that everything you do is for the best for you and your child first before you consider anyone elses thoughts or feelings.

Kim - posted on 12/30/2009

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Ashley you have to think about yourself and your child/children and if that relationship is not healthy then you must think of what is best for you because it is your sanity and peace of mind that is important. make plans to establish what is needed for your child or children and take all appropriate steps to financially secure yourself every way possiable. Prepare yourself to be a single parent for the time being because most times the man is so angry about you leaving they dont think of the childs well being and about the importance of providing for the child because they are so busy worrying about what you are doing. Do not stay in a relationship because of your children, because it will make matters worst.....

Latania - posted on 12/29/2009

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just be strong it takes time! But you will be able to cope, especially when you start dating again.

Denise - posted on 12/28/2009

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im going through the same thing. my babys father is a drug addict and it was time to leave. now that i am alone raising a baby i find my self wanting to go back. but then i do and realize the same reason i left him in the first place is making me leave again. there will always be someone better then the last i learned you just have have to endore the pain before you get there. i hope this helps!!!

Patty - posted on 12/25/2009

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I am dealing with the same thing. I left Nov 6th 2009 we have been married for 14 yrs and have 2 kids 12yr old boy and 9yr old girl. I find my self crying all the time.

Felicia - posted on 12/24/2009

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it will be hard cuz you have a child with him and part of you will always love him no matter what but the one thing is that he stills needs to be there for his child

Alyssa - posted on 12/24/2009

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You carried a piece of him inside of you and no matter what you're always gonna have feelings for him. Its going to take a long time for it not to affect you as much but you'll make it. I'm goin through the same thing with my son's father. My situation is frustrating because we're really good friends but I want to take it further and he doesn't. So we just have to be strong together.

Kristina - posted on 12/23/2009

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You will always have feelings for him no matter what he did for you to leave him, you have a child together. I left my first husband and it was the hardest thing I thought I had ever done. It does get better as time goes on, that is the only advice I can give you. Listen to your heart, it will lead you to what is right. Take care and god bless you.

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